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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My relationship (long sorry)

637 replies

Packupyourtroubles · 10/12/2013 19:15

Hi
I posted on chat about what I now know to be 'gaslighting' that my partner does. I was advised to start a thread in relationships.
Last night I was reading a thread and went to reply thinking 'how would I feel in this situation' then realised that actually I have been many times.

Since then it's like the floodgates have opened and I'm realising just how dysfunctional my relationship is.

I met my partner 6 years ago aged 17. He was my first love, etc.
when we first got together I was confident, sure of myself and my values, and knew what I would and would not stand for. Since then I feel I have lost every element of myself.

He is aggressive in words and actions. He has shaken me at times and once a few weeks ago slapped me. Most of the time he just punches objects- the dashboard in my car for example, so not hurting me.

He will always, after an argument say 'why did you make me say/do whatever'. I always end up apologising purely so I am not making him angry any more.

If there is something I don't like, for example he talks to lots of females, has stayed the night at their houses- he will say 'I don't have male friends, do you want me to have no friends'- and I will end up agreeing with him, or I make a point and he twists it so much I have no idea what I was trying to say in the first place.

He has cheated on me but I forgave him both times and he did seem to change his behaviour but now I'm realising he probably didn't.

He has sex with me knowing I don't want to, he is controlling and insists I see him every day and wants me to do sexual things I am not comfortable with. I have sort of given up saying no so I realise I am to blame for that.

I got pregnant a year ago and he insisted on me having an abortion. I wanted to keep the baby and know that before I was with him I would not have let anyone tell me what I could or could not do but I didn't question him.

Just for some background we don't live together as I look after my DNephew full time. I care for my partners mum but not full time. We have a joint account and loans but no mortgage etc.

There is probably more that I have left out. I am not sure what I am asking. I feel like I am to blame for a lot of this. I can't see a way out, I cannot imagine a life without him, and at the same time all I want is to be by myself. Since the first realisation last night it has all been pouring into my mind- memories I didn't know I had. I feel terrified but also as if my eyes have been opened- but I can't work out what's next.

Sorry for length

OP posts:
nauticant · 14/12/2013 21:29

Another one posting for the first time to say that I want to hold your hand along with all the rest.

We realise that you want to say sorry because you don't value yourself at the moment. The reality is that everyone reading this thread thinks you genuinely are a person of real worth and someone who deserves to have her life given back to her. If you can just grimly get through the next day or two there's a real chance you'll see the odd chink of sun through the dark clouds.

I think you have done amazingly well against things stacked horribly against you.

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 14/12/2013 21:29

Thank you sad x I want to be sure of what I am doing and show him I am secure for him
I'm taking him to a show and I'm taking him to winter wonderland

OP posts:
Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 14/12/2013 21:35

I ordered some books for him and an annual actually I forgot I dot know why they haven't come
He doesn't really like drawing he is very good at writing so I could get a notebook and nice pens, he likes sport but I just bought him trainers and some hoodies
I keep having overwhelming feelings of needing to be gone

OP posts:
sadwidow28 · 14/12/2013 21:36

Those plans sound really thoughtful. It will give you a chance to share the wonderment of a small child at Christmas and know that you made it possible for him.

I used to look after my DN a lot when his Daddy died when he was only 7 years old. I have loved taking him to the cinema, to firework displays, to adventure parks - oh so many places. He's a lot older now (13 yo) but we still do fun things when I have him for school holidays or weekends. I took him on a steam train 4 weeks ago - now that was real fun for an older DN.

It is great when you can give your DN an exciting and entertaining day out isn't it Packup? More importantly, to give them time and attention so they feel valued and loved.

sadwidow28 · 14/12/2013 21:38

I keep having overwhelming feelings of needing to be gone

It's okay to feel like that. Can you try to keep typing and we will hold onto you?

This is very early days yet. But you have come so far in such a short space of time.

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 14/12/2013 21:42

Nauticant I'm not at all nice or good but thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 14/12/2013 21:42

I'm trying i don't want to do this

OP posts:
PeresteckBalveda · 14/12/2013 21:47

Hi Pack, another person here delurking to say how much I admire what you have done.

Tell us about your DN. He sounds like a great kid, and I imagine you both have a lot of fun together.

My DN who is 5 describes himself as a Big Strong Kid, and is convinced he will be a superhero by the time he us 10.

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 14/12/2013 21:52

He is very tall, and very good at looking after people. He is good at basketball and football, and he loves gymnastics I take him every week and he competes too. He is kind, and has difficulty with his hands but is good at school work. I am so proud of him and he deserves so much better than this

OP posts:
PeresteckBalveda · 14/12/2013 21:59

Than this? how do you mean?

sadwidow28 · 14/12/2013 22:00

Gosh - he sounds very sporty and athletic. So many children want to sit with technology these days. That is so refreshing to hear that you have encouraged him to experience team sports.

If you keep making good progress Packup you'll be able to get him back home in a week or so. That will be a great day for both of you.

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 14/12/2013 22:00

Than me

OP posts:
PeresteckBalveda · 14/12/2013 22:04

I bet he really really really loves you Pack, and I would guess you are a very important person in his life.

PeresteckBalveda · 14/12/2013 22:05

Tell us about your favourite thing you both like doing together?

sadwidow28 · 14/12/2013 22:06

In the New Year, you will be able to take him to school rather than drop him off at the child-minders. That is something you have always wanted to do. Well, you will be able to do it now that you are free of your XP.

Without you, who knows what would have happened to this precious little boy. You have been his salvation.

BillyBanter · 14/12/2013 22:06

Hm, an auntie who loves him and took him on as his carer and takes him to after school sports.

He deserves an auntie who is not living under the cosh of an abusive relationship. He is going to be a much happier DN when he sees his auntie become happier.

You are a good person, packed. I'm sure you've said some things that aren't nice some times. I'm sure you've been in a bad mood sometimes, made mistakes. EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the world does, no exceptions. Nelson Mandela was not perfect. He was a good person and so are you.

Madratlady · 14/12/2013 22:09

Your DN sounds lovely. You've raised him from such a young age (I mean you being very young), you should be very, very proud of him and of yourself too.

Dinkydoos · 14/12/2013 22:17

Hi pack , been out so just caught up.
An aunt who goes to the bother of getting their nephew a canvas print of his family is a truly great person. Really.
By getting rid of the twat, will give your DN the best lesson he will ever learn, that bad behaviour gets it's true deserts in the end, and that you are a strong great person.
Minecraft! Who would have thought it?!! I wish I had that's for certain. All kids esp boys it seems of that age are obsessed with it, but it confuses me as isn't it just like building houses?? Sort of cute though!!

AGypsiesWife · 14/12/2013 22:38

Happened upon this and spent the last couple of hours reading from start to finish. Pack, I have seen you doubt, wake up and take action. The age of my own younger daughter, you are a very brave woman and I completely understand the courage this has taken and I completely understand the fear and doubt you now feel. I do understand that you feel you have ruined his life. (You haven't.) Please just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will continue to go forward. No magic wand will be waved and you have a journey in front of you that won't be easy. But it will get better - it can only get better. Not much could be worse than the life you have been living. Bit by bit, there will be rays of sunshine and bit by bit you will learn to live without him - although you may not feel like that now. You are supported by all these wonderful posters and have some sound advice and experience to call upon and take comfort from. You are a beautiful, caring person and I would be proud to bits if you were a member of our family. Take heart. Take care of yourself. Heal with time. x

PeresteckBalveda · 14/12/2013 22:45

Pack, I'm off to walk my dopey greyhound and then go to bed. I hope you sleep ok. Please read all the messages that have been written here. There are women here who have gone what you have gone through and who understand how you feel, and we all think you are amazing, and a wonderful aunt to your nephew.

itwillgetbettersoon · 14/12/2013 23:25

De lurking here Pack to say how strong you are.

My 9 and 11 year olds love Minecraft - completely obsessed with it so your nephew is a lucky boy. I bet he adores his lovely aunt. You are the stability and constant in his life - such a special role. As he gets older you will be able to do so many fun things with him. Does he like roller coasters? Mine love Chessington but by next summer will be tall enought for Alton towers.

Keep posting on here.

Jux · 15/12/2013 00:13

Pack, you really are a lovely person; we can tell from your posts. Another day has gone by; you can be really proud of yourself. I know we are proud of you Thanks.

When you feel a bit panicky or lost, confused, and your brain seems to empty itself so you don't know how to do anything or what to do, then you do deep breathing. This really does work.

Breathe in to a count of 3 through nose.
Breathe out to a count of 5 through your mouth.
Do it 3 times - more if you want.

Try it. It helps.

cjel · 15/12/2013 00:51

Hey pack, I had grandchildren for the day today while their mum and dad got some stuff for them for christmas. You seem pretty sorted for your DNs stuff. who is in the canvas you got him?
When are you going to see him again?

Just realised what the time is so I hope you are fast asleep by now. I'm impressed you even managed to clean and cook today.xxx

Slugslasher · 15/12/2013 02:26

Hello Pack!

I am in awe at your bravery.

I am following your story all the way from New Zealand.

Your nephew needs you, please think of him when you have your dark thoughts. There IS light at the end of your dark tunnel. Think of his little face when he opens his presents.

Look into the mirror and smile at yourself and all you have achieved!

YoDiggity · 15/12/2013 06:33

Hi Pack, how old is your nephew?

Have you done anything about your joint bank account yet? You can't risk having your salary going into it while exP still has access. What has happened about you caring for his mother? Does she know that you what has happened yet?