My relationship (long sorry)

[Packupyourtroubles]

Hi
I posted on chat about what I now know to be 'gaslighting' that my partner does. I was advised to start a thread in relationships.
Last night I was reading a thread and went to reply thinking 'how would I feel in this situation' then realised that actually I have been many times.

Since then it's like the floodgates have opened and I'm realising just how dysfunctional my relationship is.

I met my partner 6 years ago aged 17. He was my first love, etc.
when we first got together I was confident, sure of myself and my values, and knew what I would and would not stand for. Since then I feel I have lost every element of myself.

He is aggressive in words and actions. He has shaken me at times and once a few weeks ago slapped me. Most of the time he just punches objects- the dashboard in my car for example, so not hurting me.

He will always, after an argument say 'why did you make me say/do whatever'. I always end up apologising purely so I am not making him angry any more.

If there is something I don't like, for example he talks to lots of females, has stayed the night at their houses- he will say 'I don't have male friends, do you want me to have no friends'- and I will end up agreeing with him, or I make a point and he twists it so much I have no idea what I was trying to say in the first place.

He has cheated on me but I forgave him both times and he did seem to change his behaviour but now I'm realising he probably didn't.

He has sex with me knowing I don't want to, he is controlling and insists I see him every day and wants me to do sexual things I am not comfortable with. I have sort of given up saying no so I realise I am to blame for that.

I got pregnant a year ago and he insisted on me having an abortion. I wanted to keep the baby and know that before I was with him I would not have let anyone tell me what I could or could not do but I didn't question him.

Just for some background we don't live together as I look after my DNephew full time. I care for my partners mum but not full time. We have a joint account and loans but no mortgage etc.

There is probably more that I have left out. I am not sure what I am asking. I feel like I am to blame for a lot of this. I can't see a way out, I cannot imagine a life without him, and at the same time all I want is to be by myself. Since the first realisation last night it has all been pouring into my mind- memories I didn't know I had. I feel terrified but also as if my eyes have been opened- but I can't work out what's next.

Sorry for length

One of the conditions of his bail will be that he can't approach or contact you I would imagine. Don't worry about him and if he does make contact ring 999.

Pack, everything you have posted makes total sense to us, you know. None of think you're stupid or weak or shit. We all think you're pretty fucking fabulous, actually.

But what you say makes sense. Of course it does. Being on your own, everything you've known for all of your adult life gone, that's scary. I'm not at all surprised you feel frozen to the spot - you now have all this freedom to what the hell you want with your life and that's kind of overwhelming when you've been so used to being told what to do. But you will learn, slowly, to appreciate your new life, and to love your freedom. Take it one step at a time, lovely. Just be very, very kind to yourself. You are shellshocked, but it will pass.

He can't hurt you anymore, you know. As pp have said, one of his bail conditions will be that he doesn't come anywhere near you or contact you. If he does, you call 999 and he will be straight back (where he belongs). Don't be afraid.

pack I can't add any more to the excellent advice given on here. I would suggest you reread yet again whenever you feel wobbly and absorb the wisdom of wise people with experience who are trying to help your soul to heal after that piece of work has tried to destroy you body and soul.

On here we want the best for you. He only ever wanted the best for himself and is as weak and cowardly as you are brave, capable and caring.

Try and plan something to do every morning, afternoon and evening so the day gets filled with what you want and need to do, your life is your own now. Have a morning having a lie-in, reading a magazine if you want, or go shopping/have a coffee somewhere.....have an afternoon watching daytime tv or listening to music, or go for a long walk if you'd rather....watch a film, bake a cake, read a book or phone someone for a chat, or invite someone round....make a little structure for each day.

Rely on WA, the dv officer, the police, CAB, the Samaritans, your relatives [whoever shows empathy], MN, GP....all are happy to listen, help, advise you. People care. They want to help.

Your N is going to help you get your structure back and now you and him can have a happier life, there is a lot of fun awaiting the 2 of you. Can you take him to a Christmas film or the pantomime, then do something to celebrate the new year?

If we knew where you were you would have enough MN visitors, and hugs to last you a lifetime! But we are here for you in this forum.

I feel like I need to go far away to make sure I don't see him but I don't want to have to run, I want to be in my flat because I need to get it nice for my nephew, I want my nephew to have a happy Christmas with good memories not of the shit he's been living with (flat is a mess, partner took lots of furniture/broke lots of stuff, I want it back on track)
I am so scared of the fact that he's out. I am just imagining what he is planning to do.
I haven't eaten yet but I need to, am very light headed.
There's lots I need to sort out and I need to wrap my nephews presents but I just can't get myself to move.
I am meant to be taken him to a community thing on Tuesday, he's so looking forward to it but I can't move, I can't imagine going somewhere with that many people.
In short, I am a mess, I have no idea and I feel so stupid because the advice I'm getting on here is amazing yet I can't connect properly. It is though still giving me a lifeline. I have never felt so supported.

Why does he live with you if he is able to spent time with his mother?

It's ok. Baby steps, yes?

Get yourself something to eat; you won't be able to think straight if your blood sugar is low and you'll feel cold, lethargic, etc. So, eat something, anything, something warming like soup maybe? Even tea and toast would work right now.

You could wrap the presents for dn after you've eaten. Put the radio on, or the tv while you do it. A bit of mindless background chatter often helps!

Don't worry about Tuesday right now. That's three days away. Put it on the back burner for now and just focus on the next few hours. We are all here whenever you need us.

It is natural that you are scared that he is out, but think about it. You were OK yesterday, and he was out then too. The only difference is that today you know, and yesterday you didn't know. So today, make sure your phone is always charged and be ready to call 999. You will probably find that you don't need to use it.

You are coping - you think you can't but you're are actually doing it, so you can see that you can. Every day it will get a little bit easier to be who you are really, and do your own thing. You will findmout what you like and dislike - you, yourself, not the things he allowed you to like and dislike. A bit like a portrait by an Old Master. He painted over what was there when you met so fiercely, but now his daubs have been sponged off and you can set about restoring the original.

Not kowing what to do or how to plan your day is normal when the controlling FW is gone. Start with small things. Do you like your bedroom how it is? How about new bedlinen? Or move some furniture around a bit in the sitting room to see how it looks. Maybe not while your rib is healing but perhaps change some ornaments around. Just to see what it's like. Change things about.

Have you eaten anything? You can get sipfeeds from the chemist - they're expensive but you do have to eat something. Natural yoghurt if you're on abs.

I remember a time in my counselling when I suddenly realised I was an empty shell and , like you, what I no longer waned was all I had in my life. I have spent the last few years starting from scratch and finding out what I do and don't like and almost developing the adult Cjel.

If you see or hear from him just ring the police, I'm sure it will be part of his bail that he can't come near you or contact you.

Remember - keep posting thoughts here and use Dv unit. Womens aid or samaritans of you want to 'talk'xxx

So 72 hours ago when you were taking this huge step, you were so terrified that you didn't think you would survive the night. And here we are at Saturday lunchtime!

You keep saying 'I can't, I cant', but you already are!!!

Baby steps today, eat a bit, rest a bit, doss about a lot. Be kind to yourself and make it from one hour to the next. Give your mind and body time and peace and fuel. X

I have cleaned the kitchen and I feel a bit happier with that now, I will think about bed linen that a nice idea,
I am just proud that I have managed to move.
Thank you all for your support you are amazing.
I can't remember who asked but my nephew lives with me because he had an unstable start, his mum and dad had no money and couldn't look after him, they have been getting better and better over the years but I can provide more consistency than they could at the time x

I think I just saw him across the road but I'm not sure and now I can't see him

Hi Pack I posted the other day and didn't see the progress you were going through, but didn't want to read and run.

You are doing extremely well. I am sure your nephew is so lucky to have someone as loving and caring as you. He's a lovely boy because you have given him a stable start and treated him with love and attention, so he is a credit to you completely.

I can't imagine how scary it must be to know he's out, but he has bail conditions and he has to stick to them. Most likely he will not be allowed to go anywhere near you and if he does you must call the police. They will arrest him and it's unlikely he will be released again if he breaches his bail conditions. Any sign of him messaging you too, let the police know.

I know it feels so uncertain at the moment and that's understandable, but you really are doing the right thing. You don't want to be in this situation anymore because it wasn't healthy and it would also begin to impact on your nephew on a more conscious level now he's getting older. You are definitely doing the right thing.

My ex wasn't half as bad as yours but he did initiate and do sex when I said no and just carried on and he'd hit furniture and other things, but not me although he did nearly do it once. He was more emotionally abusive than anything else. He was a not very nice man. I found after we had broken up I just wanted to see him. I wrote about how sad I was without him and how my life wasn't worth living. I was with him at 16-17 and honestly it was the worst 18 months of my life, but I just didn't realise it at the time. It was always treading on eggshells and if another bloke gave me any attention I'd have to apologise to them later, as he'd start getting aggressive to them or blaming me. I know how horrible it is to feel like you need someone who is a complete asswipe, but you really don't need him.

It's the familiarity that you miss, not him. It's knowing what is going to happen tomorrow that you miss, not the way he treated you. I also found that I felt a little bit of affection was better than no affection at all. Now I have an amazing partner who treats me amazingly, it was worth waiting for that affection that was appropriate and right.

Thinking of you today and hoping you stay strong.

Please try and not hurt yourself, because it isn't your fault.

Cross post.

If you aren't sure keep an eye out. If you DO see him then please call the police, as he's likely to be breaching bail conditions.

Don't let him get in the position where he can hurt you again.

Thinking of you. x

(Another one de-lurking) you are amazing pack. You have managed to change your life in a single day. Try and do something to make you happy today, and keep safe( he cant get you in your flat). Well done on cleaning the kitchen(that's what I need to do). Listen to the advice of the others. You are being brilliant!

You're probably a bit jumpy and think you see him when maybe you don't. So don't look. he can't get in. Don't answer the door unless you know who it is.

You don't have to play his game. But if he turns up, or you are certain you have seen him, then call the police because he is out on CONDITION that he doesn't go near you. If he does, back to a cell. He won't risk it. because it's scary, and he's a little coward.

Put a DVD on (if you have such things -I see he took the furniture and broke the rest.) A comedy would be good for you. No romances. Kids films if you have any.

I think, if you didn't have your DN living with you (and who is already seen as a treat by your ex) then your ex would have either moved you in with him, or moved in with you. I am surprised he didn't get rid of your DN. You have had such a lucky escape.

And all the control: wear this; take that off; no make up today; what, you've got no make up on?; you look fat in that, don't eat any more; your arse looks big, don't eat that cake. Oh...the little shitbag. It would have got so much worse. the more you say about him the worse he becomes.

Be confident that you have the upper hand now -if he turns up you call the police and he gets banged up.

I seem to recall that earlier in these posts someone gave you a list of all the things that would follow when you eventually got rod of him. Look back at that, so you know what to expect.

Hope you are warm and cosy, and have eaten and are pain free.

X

I just want to be gone I can't cope with this I am so weak and stupid, your lovely messages and support are so undeserved and I can't do it anymore,
I'm sorry to all of you I really am because it's unfair of me to come and ask for advice and then end up like this

Hi Pack,
this is my first post on your thread, but I am here too to hold your hand. Try not to doubt yourself - you are letting his thoughts take over what you think about yourself. You have proved yourself to be strong - you have come so far in just a couple of days, so give yourself full credit for that.

It will take time, but you will heal and see the sun again. It took time for him to take the confidence away, and it will take time for you to give it back to yourself. But you can, and will do it, and we are all here to help as much as we can.

Have faith, sweetie x

What do you mean, you can't do it any more?

You are doing it, every minute is a success.

I can't do it I'm no good and it's stupid to try and do this I'm nothing without him in reality and I can't be by unused

Myself* not unused

Pack please call the Samaritans again.

It is very early days and you will go through many emotions. There is grief that you invested in a relationship that was unhealthy and abusive. There is anger at yourself that you allowed it to happen and refused to acknowledge the abuse. You also feel a fear of the unknown because now you have to make your own decisions and have choices in your life.

Do you want to go back to the man who broke your rib 2 days' ago?

Would you trust him around your DN?

You CAN do this Pack. You are stronger than he gave you credit for.

Phone the Samaritans again if you are having dark thoughts. Did you manage to contact your brother? You said that another family member had his number. You need some RL support if you can find it.

You have done really well so far. Try to keep moving forward rather than looking back.

You can do this pack. You are doing it. You are doing brilliantly. You are an amazing strong woman.
Believe us! Don't believe that voice in your head which is really his voice. Don't listen to that one. Listen to us. You are brilliant, you deserve freedom. You are a strong capable woman.
Now. When you feel strong enough. Make one decision which is totally to please yourself. Put on your favourite clothes or have a long bath or watch your favourite program. And revel in the ability to choose your own things now. One step at a time.

Have a google for Stockholm Syndrome. I think it might explain how you are feeling.