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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My relationship (long sorry)

637 replies

Packupyourtroubles · 10/12/2013 19:15

Hi
I posted on chat about what I now know to be 'gaslighting' that my partner does. I was advised to start a thread in relationships.
Last night I was reading a thread and went to reply thinking 'how would I feel in this situation' then realised that actually I have been many times.

Since then it's like the floodgates have opened and I'm realising just how dysfunctional my relationship is.

I met my partner 6 years ago aged 17. He was my first love, etc.
when we first got together I was confident, sure of myself and my values, and knew what I would and would not stand for. Since then I feel I have lost every element of myself.

He is aggressive in words and actions. He has shaken me at times and once a few weeks ago slapped me. Most of the time he just punches objects- the dashboard in my car for example, so not hurting me.

He will always, after an argument say 'why did you make me say/do whatever'. I always end up apologising purely so I am not making him angry any more.

If there is something I don't like, for example he talks to lots of females, has stayed the night at their houses- he will say 'I don't have male friends, do you want me to have no friends'- and I will end up agreeing with him, or I make a point and he twists it so much I have no idea what I was trying to say in the first place.

He has cheated on me but I forgave him both times and he did seem to change his behaviour but now I'm realising he probably didn't.

He has sex with me knowing I don't want to, he is controlling and insists I see him every day and wants me to do sexual things I am not comfortable with. I have sort of given up saying no so I realise I am to blame for that.

I got pregnant a year ago and he insisted on me having an abortion. I wanted to keep the baby and know that before I was with him I would not have let anyone tell me what I could or could not do but I didn't question him.

Just for some background we don't live together as I look after my DNephew full time. I care for my partners mum but not full time. We have a joint account and loans but no mortgage etc.

There is probably more that I have left out. I am not sure what I am asking. I feel like I am to blame for a lot of this. I can't see a way out, I cannot imagine a life without him, and at the same time all I want is to be by myself. Since the first realisation last night it has all been pouring into my mind- memories I didn't know I had. I feel terrified but also as if my eyes have been opened- but I can't work out what's next.

Sorry for length

OP posts:
Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 14/12/2013 17:28

I managed to get through to my brother and he is really angry, I think at him but he is taking it out on me, it scared me so I went off the phone but he sent me a text and said sorry. He isn't here at the moment he is away with work.
I went to the shop and bought milk for tea and then I made some pasta and ate a bit.
Im feeling a little better than I was, I called the Samaritans again.
I'm so in awe of the amazing knowledge and support you are all so willing to give, and taking such time to write messages to me. Thank you all so much.
I've cut again but I am not going to beat myself up about it because i need to take baby steps as everyone is saying.
I've got a bad pain in my stomach but I

OP posts:
Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 14/12/2013 17:28

Sorry I posted too soon
I don't know what the pain is it's on the same side as my broken rib but I don't know.
Thank you nettle I will have a look x

OP posts:
GimmeDaBoobehz · 14/12/2013 17:36

Sorry didn't come back earlier, my little girl isn't feeling very well today so was sleeping upstairs with her.

What Nettle has said about Stockholm Syndrome is very true actually, I have heard it happen quite a few times.

You can do it - because you already are. It's difficult yes and nobody will give you any rubbish that it's easy and simple, because it never is but it is something you have to do for yourself and your nephew.

It's OK to relapse sometimes, but try and distract yourself from self harming if you can with whatever makes you happy; a DVD, a call to DN, an early night with a nice book etc.

You aren't doing anything wrong and how you are feeling is completely normal. It's unlikely that you were going to find it easy, as he's been in your life for a long time so it's going to naturally be a big part of your life that's changed.

But when you are on the other side in a few months time you'll realise how great it is to eat what you fancy, wear what you want and have whatever friends you like. Freedom isn't often missed if you have never had it, but now you have the chance to have it I'd embrace it with open arms.

Keep posting as much as you need to and when this one closes at 1000 posts, create another one.

x

Dinkydoos · 14/12/2013 18:18

Hi there, just a quick one as on phone, but just wanted to let you know that everyone on this thread, plus countless other lurkers are totally behind you and wishing you well.
We are walking those baby steps with you! You are really not on your own as we are all right behind you. So many people have used mumsnet support to make a great life for themselves and you will be one of those.
Another few hours done! Pasta sounds good. Carbs are my very favourite always when I need cosiness. Look after yourself.

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 14/12/2013 18:19

Thank you Gimme, I am reading over and over the posts to help me calm down I am breathing to quickly
Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 14/12/2013 18:19

And thank you too dinky xx

OP posts:
Tuhlulah · 14/12/2013 18:29

Whoa, slow down, you're doing fine.

Yes it will feel strange that you haven't got someone controlling you. You will need to learn how to make decisions for yourself. You make decisions for others at work every day, so you are clearly capable of making all kinds of decisions.

It will be hard at first, but what thing that is worth having was easy?

How bad is the cut -have to reopened the old one? do you need to go back to hospital?

Just slow down. You are trying to run before you can walk.

And what's that with your brother -why is he angry with you? I guess maybe he could be angry at himself -I bet lots of people saw the signs but did nothing, maybe he spotted the signs that you were being abused and also did nothing, and now feels bad and is transferring the guilt back onto you. His anger is also not your problem.

When you feel the urge to cut, is it possible to leave the flat/house? Have you found the Samaritans at all helpful?

XX

LisaMed · 14/12/2013 18:39

Hope this helps...

Do you remember the Chilean miners that were trapped in a mine for months and had to come up really carefully and spend a lot of time in special rooms getting accustomed to light so that they didn't damage their eyes? They had to get used to all sorts of differences from the trapped, demanding, claustrophobic environment they had been forced to survive in and it took a lot of time and help to get them comfortable again with light and normal life.

I believe you are going through the emotional equivalent. Keep posting and keep believing and you will be fine in the light. It will just take that little bit of time. Wishing you loads of luck.

btw someone who can so selflessly care for an older woman not related to them without it being their career or employment and who can consider their nephew so carefully before their own comfort is worth a lot - really, really worth a lot. Please keep posting so that others who know a lot more than me can reach out with good advice and support.

flapinko · 14/12/2013 18:50

Yes, keep posting pack, we are all here for you and not going anywhere One step at a time, one step at a time, you CAN survive this. You are doing absolutely brilliantly.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 14/12/2013 19:54

How are you feeling now, Pack?

I hope you have had something more to drink and are relaxing doing something pleasant that you enjoy.

Don't overly worry about him turning up, but also be vigilant enough to notice if he does and if he does make sure you phone the police, don't confront or talk to him - the police will deal with him.

Hoping that every day you get stronger and stronger. x

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 14/12/2013 20:54

I am reading but I've only just managed to reply I'm sorry thank you the story about the miners helped

OP posts:
Vivacia · 14/12/2013 21:02

We're all rooting for you packed but you don't have to reply unless you want to. And you certainly don't need to say sorry. When people care, they understand that you may be too busy or not in the mood to reply. Of course we want to hear from, but we don't feel you owe us anything.

Do you have any plans for tomorrow?

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 14/12/2013 21:04

I just want to be gone vivacia

OP posts:
Vivacia · 14/12/2013 21:07

What do you mean by, "gone"? Can you describe this?

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 14/12/2013 21:08

I just want to not be Alive and I feel so shit for thinking it

OP posts:
Vivacia · 14/12/2013 21:10

I think sometimes we get thoughts of no longer being alive because it's the only way we can describe having an absence of pain/hurt/confusion.

Vivacia · 14/12/2013 21:11

If you want to type, we are here. If you want to talk, the Samaritans are waiting for your call.

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 14/12/2013 21:13

I can't physically talk right now
I want to type

OP posts:
Vivacia · 14/12/2013 21:16

Are you doing anything else whilst you type? (I'm listening to songs on YouTube).

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 14/12/2013 21:18

I've just made a list of my nephews presents so I can see if I missed any
I keep getting breathless and wantig to cut but I'm trying to distract myself

OP posts:
Vivacia · 14/12/2013 21:20

And have you missed anything? I think we got the final things we wanted this morning. Apart from food.

sadwidow28 · 14/12/2013 21:21

There are a lot of us watching your thread Packup

We are here to support you as you process things and move on. You won't be abandoned. Just type whatever you want to share - your , concerns, thoughts, plans.

How do you want to feel when your DN comes home? What are your plans for him with Christmas coming up?

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 14/12/2013 21:23

I've got him minecraft, some wall decals, a canvas print of his family and some stocking things it isn't much but it's what he has asked for but I want to get him more I feel bad
I don't even know what I'm doing

OP posts:
Vivacia · 14/12/2013 21:25

Remember the comments above about the miners. You are still acclimatising and getting used to the freedom and peace and independence. No hurry.

sadwidow28 · 14/12/2013 21:26

Is he into art and drawing? What about reading? I still think it is nice to give children a book at Christmas.

Perhaps think about a couple of extra gifts that don't cost a lot but will give him hours of entertainment and pleasure.