Look, all normal people are a mixture of selfish and selfless, of good and kind, and mean and bad -usually all on the same day. There is some Jewish joke that I can't remember about a Rabbi who says he spoke to a man who was madly in love with his wife, he spoke to a man who had several mistresses, a man who was a hero, a man who was a coward, a man who was a glutton, a man who was (the opposite of a glutton, too tired to think), a man who was a miser, a man who was generous. Hw do you see so many men in one day, he is asked. It was the same man, replies the Rabbi.
Even people who are convicted of the most dreadful crimes must be treated with respect and must be allowed dignity. So why are you not?
You are kind -you have been caring for the ex-bastard's mother for 2 years. You have cared for your DN for 5 years. You work in a caring profession? You are, I would hazard a guess, kind (most of the time, like the rest of us flawed human beings).
You are entitled to be treated with respect. You are entitled not to be hit/raped/intimidated/punched/slapped/demeaned/humiliated.
You might do bad things sometimes (I do, and to the people I love the most too) but that doesn't make you bad.
And if for one minute you are thinking you are bad because you told the police what this little wanker has done to you -you are wrong. You are not seeing clearly, and I hate to say this because as I say, I know that's how he operated on you.
Ask yourself what you would like to be in 5 years, where you would like to be, with whom. And then work on it. In the next few days you are going to find a way to move on without this little wanker in your life. It will be scary, and this is why you need to get an injunction. But then, in a short time, you can get on with the rest of your life.
Life is scary for all of us. Many of us have imperfect partners, children who can be vile and selfish, people who disrespect us or who don't love us, or who dump us even though we love them. That is normal life, that is the human condition. But this is not what you have been living. What you experienced was the manipulation of a vile little man who has made you doubt yourself. You said when you were 17, 18, you were confident and knew what you wanted and where you were going. Were you bad and shit and weak then? Or did something intervene- like meeting a man who got his kicks from humiliating you.
I once had a boyfriend a bit like this (nowhere near as bad). He ruined my confidence -for ever, actually, if I am honest. I thought his good opinion was so worth having -and when I think of him now, I cannot believe it. He's just a loser, he was intimidated by me, attracted to me because I was so confident and mouthy and cocksure, and it gave him pleasure to gradually erode my confidence and put me in my place. Hah! Survival is the best revenge. And do you know what, i am sure I saw a photo of him on CrimeStoppers, wanted for doing a robbery. THAT'S how successful his life became!!!!! He had it all, the moves and the talk -but that's all he had, talk and an insecurity complex. He talked a good fight and is probably back in prison where he belongs. And me -I eventually found a prince but I kissed way too many frogs.
After this, you can get on with having normal experiences with people. Some will hurt (as you know, but not like this) and others will give you joy. One day you will hopefully have a child. But you cannot move on to that until you get this little pipsqueak out of your life.
And hopefully having therapy for the cutting will help you with issues of esteem. But that's another conversation for another day.
I am going to bed. Good night and I hope you get some sleep.
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