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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My relationship (long sorry)

637 replies

Packupyourtroubles · 10/12/2013 19:15

Hi
I posted on chat about what I now know to be 'gaslighting' that my partner does. I was advised to start a thread in relationships.
Last night I was reading a thread and went to reply thinking 'how would I feel in this situation' then realised that actually I have been many times.

Since then it's like the floodgates have opened and I'm realising just how dysfunctional my relationship is.

I met my partner 6 years ago aged 17. He was my first love, etc.
when we first got together I was confident, sure of myself and my values, and knew what I would and would not stand for. Since then I feel I have lost every element of myself.

He is aggressive in words and actions. He has shaken me at times and once a few weeks ago slapped me. Most of the time he just punches objects- the dashboard in my car for example, so not hurting me.

He will always, after an argument say 'why did you make me say/do whatever'. I always end up apologising purely so I am not making him angry any more.

If there is something I don't like, for example he talks to lots of females, has stayed the night at their houses- he will say 'I don't have male friends, do you want me to have no friends'- and I will end up agreeing with him, or I make a point and he twists it so much I have no idea what I was trying to say in the first place.

He has cheated on me but I forgave him both times and he did seem to change his behaviour but now I'm realising he probably didn't.

He has sex with me knowing I don't want to, he is controlling and insists I see him every day and wants me to do sexual things I am not comfortable with. I have sort of given up saying no so I realise I am to blame for that.

I got pregnant a year ago and he insisted on me having an abortion. I wanted to keep the baby and know that before I was with him I would not have let anyone tell me what I could or could not do but I didn't question him.

Just for some background we don't live together as I look after my DNephew full time. I care for my partners mum but not full time. We have a joint account and loans but no mortgage etc.

There is probably more that I have left out. I am not sure what I am asking. I feel like I am to blame for a lot of this. I can't see a way out, I cannot imagine a life without him, and at the same time all I want is to be by myself. Since the first realisation last night it has all been pouring into my mind- memories I didn't know I had. I feel terrified but also as if my eyes have been opened- but I can't work out what's next.

Sorry for length

OP posts:
IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 13/12/2013 20:13

It's not a bad thing to take a violent and aggressive bully off the street. You don't deserve to be hounded by him and if he breaks the rule of law by assaulting you then there isn't another decent human being on this planet who would think you were in the wrong. Believe in yourself kid. You have been so brave. So brave.

cjel · 13/12/2013 20:14

You haven't taken away his freedom, some very wise people who uphold the law of the land have taken away his freedom because he did something that society won't accept and he needs to be kept away from people he can hurt.x

nobeer · 13/12/2013 20:18

pack I wish I was in the right part of the world to pop round and make you a cup of tea. You've had a really tough day and you've done really well. Don't blame yourself for his horrible behaviour.

Tuhlulah · 13/12/2013 20:25

You didn't take away his freedom. The law doesn't work like that.

We have rules which are so important to how civilised human beings live that these rules are enshrined in law. They are there to protect all of us. If someone breaks one of those rules we have punishments set up, and each punishment is meant to be a reflection of how serious the offence committed is.

As individuals we don't really have much say in this. It is not legal for an individual to take away another person's freedom -that is called false imprisonment or kidnap/abduction.

You didn't do any of those things.

You reported a man to the police because you feared him. When he showed you there was something to fear, you called the police and they arrested him for breaking a British law. You didn't do anything other than to protect yourself.

By reporting your abusive ex-partner you did something to protect all of us, every woman who might come into contact with him. And let's hope he learns something.

Don't be scared.

You need to get an injunction against him. And against any members of his family if they are going to join in and scare you. because if you scare or intimidate another person, that is also a criminal offence.

The laws of this country weren't created to protect you -they were created to protect each one of us.

You were upholding the law. You did a very brave thing.

call the Samaritans and let it all out. They are trained to help you.

XXXXX

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 13/12/2013 20:25

Me too. I wish I could whisk you up here to Yorkshire, plop you in front of the fire and keep an eye on you.

Vivacia · 13/12/2013 21:02

If you can't write to us on here, here's The Samaritan's number again, 08457 90 90 90.

HonoriaLucasta · 13/12/2013 21:03

Pack, another person who was moved to delurk (all the way from America!) because of this thread. You seem like a very kind and selfless person - I get the sense that you always put the wellbeing of others before your own. Please, please know that by reporting what happened to you, not only have you ABSOLUTELY done the right, brave thing for yourself, but you have also helped every other woman who might be in your place someday, both by showing an example of your courage in this thread and by reporting this particular horrible, awful, pathetic "man" to the authorities.

You haven't done ANYTHING wrong. He has. By upholding the law and reporting a violent crime to the police, you've made it so that he is less likely to be able to prey on other vulnerable women. (If you'd seen this happen to someone else, you wouldn't have thought twice about reporting it, right?) If it helps, think of it like that. As a woman myself, I thank you.

SapSuma · 13/12/2013 21:10

You need to be your own best friend tonight. Take care x

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 13/12/2013 21:27

I called and spoke to the Samaritans
I finding it hard to read right now bit please know every single word is so appreciated

OP posts:
Vivacia · 13/12/2013 21:28

Lots of us here holding your hand. And hugging you.

MrsMoon76 · 13/12/2013 21:38

Delurking here. Please keep reading this thread, stay focused on it. There are people here rooting for you. You will get through this. You will be ok x

paulapantsdown · 13/12/2013 21:42

Pack my heart is breaking for you. Please take care of yourself and keep either talking here or call the Samaritians back. You ARE brave, but you have endured a terrible ordeal. Where roughly in the UK are you?

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 13/12/2013 21:46

Thank you all
I can't really move I feel frozen
I am in London
I don't want to be a hassle and I feel like the worst person in the world but I do understand what is bein said about taking an aggressive person off the streets but I still feel that he wouldn't have had the change if I hadn't stayed and put up with it
I an so weak and I am so shit. That is all I can think

OP posts:
Vivacia · 13/12/2013 21:56

You're not a hassle, and we care about you and are worried about you.

One day, when some time has passed you will look back and see just how brave you were this week. You'll be safe and warm and happy and so grateful for the brave You who escaped this week.

Please, don't blame yourself for this man's behaviour.

Jux · 13/12/2013 21:56

He's been twisting everything to be your fault for a while, hasn't he, my lovely?

thing1andthing2 · 13/12/2013 22:07

De lurking to add my weight behind everyone else's. You are doing brilliantly, even though it doesn't feel like it. You have done the right thing, even though it seems so hard.
I am astonished at your bravery and your determination. You have done so well. Just take things a minute at a time x

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 13/12/2013 22:10

I am really sorry x

OP posts:
Tuhlulah · 13/12/2013 22:12

Oh dear.

You are not weak and shit.

If you were at fault in any way, shape or form the police would have arrested you and not him. If you were at all at fault you would have been arrested.

You are the victim in this, not the perpetrator.

What you are saying is that if you sacrificed yourself -because you must see staying with him in the knowledge that your life would only have got worse- if you sacrificed yourself he would have been saved. That's not right, is it?

I don't want you to feel I am twisting your words, because I know that's what he did. I am just trying to move you off this train track of wrong thinking you are on.

You are saying that you made him this way -because you allowed him to do this to you, somehow you are at fault.

What then were you meant to do? Do you think you were responsible for changing him? For curing him? That you are so intrinsically bad that he had to do what he did, because you made him?

That is what he has led you to believe. This is just a sick fantasy. It bears NO relationship to reality.

If I took your DN and let him live with me for the next 5 years, and did to him what your ex 'boyfriend' did to you -would you believe me if I said it was all your DN's fault -he let me do it and didn't stop me, and that's why I got arrested? That if your DN hadn't let me do all the vile things to him that I did -then I wouldn't have done them, and I would still be free?

Do you see how sick and twisted that argument would be? How vile a person would I be? You'd do anything you could to stop me, to report me to the police, to get me off the streets, wouldn't you?

Well, that's how we MN posters see it. Except we see him doing it to you. You are no more at fault in ANY of this than your DN would be if I did it to him.

paulapantsdown · 13/12/2013 22:12

Then don't move, just rest and sleep. The after affects of a adrenaline rush are stiffness and exhaustion. You also have a broken rib thanks to that bastard.

HE did this, it was his CHOICE. You are not to blame and you are certainly not weak.

I am in West London, if you fancy a cuppa and a chat?

Tuhlulah · 13/12/2013 22:16

Sorry Packem, I didn't make much sense there, I'm tired (nothing compared to you).

I suggest you try to switch off. As paula said, today you are feeling the after effects of the trauma and adrenalin and a broken rib. Sleep is the best healer.

XXXX

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 13/12/2013 22:19

But it is all I deserve it really is

OP posts:
cjel · 13/12/2013 22:27

It will never stop being wrong what he has done to you. You will never ever ever deserve this treatment. You will never again deserve to feel this awfulness you feel now. At some point you will start to listen to all the voices that are telling you that you are brave and special and worth being treated kindly and with respect and love. I read my bible and have just read the words' So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you' You are living that way and have been so kind to him that you have forgotten that it is right that you get treated back in that lovely way.

Just try and rest and sleep for a few days and when your body is less tired you will start to take in the words that are being said to you here.

paulapantsdown · 13/12/2013 22:28

NO NO NO NO NO! Sweetheart you are wrong! And I mean that in the nicest possible way to try and make you see that as hard as this is, you have done the right thing.

You do not deserve any of this! You have been used, abused violated and hurt, but you have escaped.

I'm not as articulate as Irish and Tallulah, but please listen to us.

This is the darkness before the dawn.

Tuhlulah · 13/12/2013 22:31

Packem, if your DN came home from school after being badly bullied by the class psycho, would you tell him it was all his own fault, and instead of comforting him would you tell him it was all he deserved?

You KNOW you wouldn't! Come on, you are needing some sleep and food (I bet) and some tender loving care at the moment.

We are not all wrong here. People from bloody America have come on this thread to tell you how great you have been.

I think, when you can, you need to read some self help books. I don't know any, but I bet loads of other posters can suggest books which can help you with how you are feeling and how you are seeing things.

XXXXX

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 13/12/2013 22:35

My nephew is lovely he is not like me I am bad and selfish and I am shit,
I want to sleep but I can't, there is noise outside and it's scary

OP posts: