My relationship (long sorry)

[Packupyourtroubles]

Hi
I posted on chat about what I now know to be 'gaslighting' that my partner does. I was advised to start a thread in relationships.
Last night I was reading a thread and went to reply thinking 'how would I feel in this situation' then realised that actually I have been many times.

Since then it's like the floodgates have opened and I'm realising just how dysfunctional my relationship is.

I met my partner 6 years ago aged 17. He was my first love, etc.
when we first got together I was confident, sure of myself and my values, and knew what I would and would not stand for. Since then I feel I have lost every element of myself.

He is aggressive in words and actions. He has shaken me at times and once a few weeks ago slapped me. Most of the time he just punches objects- the dashboard in my car for example, so not hurting me.

He will always, after an argument say 'why did you make me say/do whatever'. I always end up apologising purely so I am not making him angry any more.

If there is something I don't like, for example he talks to lots of females, has stayed the night at their houses- he will say 'I don't have male friends, do you want me to have no friends'- and I will end up agreeing with him, or I make a point and he twists it so much I have no idea what I was trying to say in the first place.

He has cheated on me but I forgave him both times and he did seem to change his behaviour but now I'm realising he probably didn't.

He has sex with me knowing I don't want to, he is controlling and insists I see him every day and wants me to do sexual things I am not comfortable with. I have sort of given up saying no so I realise I am to blame for that.

I got pregnant a year ago and he insisted on me having an abortion. I wanted to keep the baby and know that before I was with him I would not have let anyone tell me what I could or could not do but I didn't question him.

Just for some background we don't live together as I look after my DNephew full time. I care for my partners mum but not full time. We have a joint account and loans but no mortgage etc.

There is probably more that I have left out. I am not sure what I am asking. I feel like I am to blame for a lot of this. I can't see a way out, I cannot imagine a life without him, and at the same time all I want is to be by myself. Since the first realisation last night it has all been pouring into my mind- memories I didn't know I had. I feel terrified but also as if my eyes have been opened- but I can't work out what's next.

Sorry for length

Have read this with tears in my eyes. You ARE dealing with this, Packup - am so impressed with you!

Don't think about the bigger picture, just take baby steps. Each step will take you a little bit further and eventually you'll see all this crap way back in the distance.

Sending you a big, gentle hug. Keep posting. We are all here.

You can do it pet. It is completely natural to feel like you can't, after all your life has changed radically in a short space of time and you have been physically attacked. Your poor little body will be in shock still and your mind will be racing. It will start to ease up though and you will start to decompress and find a new equilibrium.

Every time you hear the voice in your head telling you that you can't do it, challenge it, tell yourself that you can do it but it will take time. I have recently finished a few months of CBT and simply challenging negative thoughts with positive affirmations can be quite powerful. It can break the negative thinking cycle. I didn't believe it would in the beginning but it does.

So, can you just try and forget everything for tonight. Put your PJs on, get under the duvet and stick the TV on or whatever helps to distract your thoughts - I download audiobooks to my ipod and lie in bed listening to stories and plays.

I think she said they are detaining him, but I'm not sure what she meant.
I feel bad because I was the one who put up with it, I didn't even do anything about it until two days ago and now he's been arrested and it's my fault. It was my fault that I put up with it. My fault that I stayed.
I feel sick and tired and I don't know what next.
Thank you for your message but I'm not brave or amazing or any of it.

It is his fault he was arrested for not being able to control his anger

It is his fault this whole situation has arisen for being a controlling and manipulative bully who left you no choice but to walk away

He has broken the law, he chose to do that and he deserves to be arrested/detained.

There is no need for you to feel bad. Nobody has the right to attack you and get away with it.

You feel sick and tired because you have been through a major ordeal, not just over the 24 hours but over the period of your relationship with this cruel person. You don't know what to do because life as you know it has just crashed and needs to be rebooted.

What happens next is that you try and rest, heal and readjust. The key things to do in my book would be (1) take some time off work to avoid overloading yourself physically and mentally (2) get to the GP on Monday morning and talk about support (therapy and/or meds).

I am so angry that he has isolated you so much that you have nobody to come over and be with you. He is the one to blame, not you.

What Irish said.

You are not at all to blame for any of this.

You have done nothing wrong.

It is not wrong to be bullied and raped and beaten psychologically and physically.

It is not wrong to be scared. It is not wrong to feel unable to cope. It is not wrong to feel you are weak.

BUT:

It is wrong to bully someone one.

It is wrong to rape someone.

It is wrong to intimidate someone.

It is wrong to slap, kick, punch and kick someone UNLESS it is in self defence or in defence of someone you love.

It is wrong to make abusive phone calls.

It is wrong to borrow money with no intention of ever paying it back, to allow someone to guarantee a loan you never have any intention of paying back.

It is incredibly brave to face up to what is happening even though the easy way is to bury your head in the sand and pretend it's not happening.

It is incredibly brave to stand up to a psychological and physical and sexual bully.

It is incredibly brave to go to the police and call Women's Aid and deal with the DV Officer.

It is incredibly brave to contact your siblings when you fear they may turn their back on you.

It is incredibly brave to live with this fear but still go on with it, and not back down.

Now, PackUp, tell me, which of these things have you done?

hand on heart, I couldn't say that in your shoes I would be so brave and tenacious. You put many of us to shame. It's easy to be a keyboard warrior and urge a complete stranger over the internet to do what we feel is right but might not have the courage to do ourselves in your shoes. (No criticism of anyone specific intended here, by the way, just a general observation of life in general).

You will manage because you are managing.

He broke your rib, I don't think that was your fault was it? You didn't provoke him you simply ended your relationship. A normal person would talk through their problems, not resolve them with violence.

Tuhlulah fab post

You have nothing at all to blame yourself for. Did he tell you when you first met, got to know each other, that his aim in this relationship was to isolate and control you and to beat you up? I bet he didn't. Do you have powers hitherto only ascribed to god(s) that you could foretell the future and got together with him anyway? . No, of course you didn't.

Sadly, these abusive twunts are all too plausible. Many many people are taken in. You're not the only person who hasn't noticed that slow drip drip drip that takes away choices, self-determination, self-esteem, confidence. Those inhuman bastards will twist things so that you think that black is white and right is wrong. They will always make you feel like things are your own fault, when it's them, always them. They are dishonest, manipulative and cowardly.

One thing you can be really really certain is that he had a choice. He could have chosen to respect your wish to end the relationship. Respect it, because you are an equal person with the right to say "this isn't working and I want out". Did he do that? No.

He could have chosen to ask you (nicely) why you wanted to end it, and acted on it, changed things, changed his attitude. Nope, didn't do that either, did he?

No. What he chose to do was show himself unequivocally as the revolting bullying abuser that he is. That was his choice, and he is justly beginning to feel the consequence.

Make no mistake, Pack, this is all his own work. He has done it to himself. You bear no responsibility; none at all.

What you are responsible for is your recovery, though! Eat and sleep for a few days (please eat, please. Mashed banana goes down easily, you barely notice it, just have a bowl of it by you and take a spoonful, then another. Read while you're doing it, or watch a film, so you're a bit distracted and notice it less, hoodwink yourself into eating).

Dear OP,

If I've read between the lines correctly, your foul ex did more than break your rib yesterday..

If you have no one in RL to talk to this evening can you call either

the Samaritons 08457 90 90 90

Or Rape Crisis 0808 802 9999. They are open 7-9.30pm.

Please, please don't sit alone feeling desperate. We are all thinking about you and there are lovely people on those phone lines who have given up their time in the hope that you will call them.

(((((((((((((Hug)))))))))))

Pack, just wanted to echo what others have said, you ARE amazing, you have achieved so much in the last 48 hours. Your whole world has turned upside down and you're still standing. We are all rooting for you, and in awe of how far you've come in such a short time. Stay strong, you can do this my lovely xxx

I don't know what to say,

Don't say anything. Eat something, drink something. XX

I don't really have anything helpful to add, I just wanted to add my voice to the support you are receiving here. You have done amazingly already, finding the strength to get this far. Take it one step at a time and it will get easier.

You are amazing.

If you mean you don't know what to say on the phone, you really don't have to say anything. But you can if you want.

Yes, do eat and drink something. Keep snug. Cherish yourself. And if you do want human contact, the numbers above will be there for you.x

Evening PACK, Sorry you are wobbling again. It is ok to feel up and down and not know whether you are coming or going.
This is probably one of the hardest times of you r life and you can lean on all the people you can to help you through it.
If you feel like posting here again and again and waffling on then do it.
If you can't think of anyone you know that you can speak to then ring one of the two numbers above.
The people there will be sitting there waiting and they too want to have a chat thats why they are there. You will not be bothering them they would like you to call.

Just dial the number and say you feel crap and don't know what to say - it will be ok, they will help you/listen to you/ talk to you- whatever you want.

You don't need to be on your own feeling crap reach outxxx

I just want to end it all I'm so exhausted and I can't believe in doing this to him I'm nt a bad person but I'm doing a bad thing taking away his freedom
I feel sick i can't think and I hate being like this
I have read your messages and they are all so lovely

No, HE is not a nice person. If he can't control himself then HE is compromising his freedom. You have done the right thing. You sound like a lovely person.

Please call and talk to someone in RL, call the Samaritans or someone.

Stay strong.

You are not doing anything to him. This is ALL his fault. He has brought ALL of this on himself; his revolting, abusive, violent behaviour has finally been found out and he is simply getting what he should've got a long time ago.

Pack, he broke your bones. Go back and read your OP. He did all that, for all those years. and when you finally said you'd had enough he waited for you outside your home and broke your bones. I know it's so hard, everything is upside down for you but please believe this man isn't fit to walk the streets and you have done the right thing.

I think ringing the Samaritans would be a good idea. You don't need to say anything, they will just be there for you. Please believe, your new lovely fear-free life is about to start. You can do it.

You have done nothing wrong.
He abused and assaulted you, and now he is being rightfully punished for those actions.
You ended the relationship, which is not a bad or wrong thing to do. Couples break up every day, rejection is an unfortunate part of life. The vast majority of people do not respond the way he has to a break-up, physical and verbal abuse is not a normal reaction to a break-up. He has chosen to act this way, and therefore he deserves to be punished for those actions.

Your not taking away his freedom. He did that when he assaulted you.

I'm sorry x

It's not you taking away his freedom, it is him, through his actions.

What are you sorry for lovely?

You have all of us behind you. You have nothing to apologise for, nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to regret. We all understand that it doesn't feel like that now, but you're in shock, physical and emotional shock.

Please keep talking here.

Don't let this man get the better of you, pack.