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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My relationship (long sorry)

637 replies

Packupyourtroubles · 10/12/2013 19:15

Hi
I posted on chat about what I now know to be 'gaslighting' that my partner does. I was advised to start a thread in relationships.
Last night I was reading a thread and went to reply thinking 'how would I feel in this situation' then realised that actually I have been many times.

Since then it's like the floodgates have opened and I'm realising just how dysfunctional my relationship is.

I met my partner 6 years ago aged 17. He was my first love, etc.
when we first got together I was confident, sure of myself and my values, and knew what I would and would not stand for. Since then I feel I have lost every element of myself.

He is aggressive in words and actions. He has shaken me at times and once a few weeks ago slapped me. Most of the time he just punches objects- the dashboard in my car for example, so not hurting me.

He will always, after an argument say 'why did you make me say/do whatever'. I always end up apologising purely so I am not making him angry any more.

If there is something I don't like, for example he talks to lots of females, has stayed the night at their houses- he will say 'I don't have male friends, do you want me to have no friends'- and I will end up agreeing with him, or I make a point and he twists it so much I have no idea what I was trying to say in the first place.

He has cheated on me but I forgave him both times and he did seem to change his behaviour but now I'm realising he probably didn't.

He has sex with me knowing I don't want to, he is controlling and insists I see him every day and wants me to do sexual things I am not comfortable with. I have sort of given up saying no so I realise I am to blame for that.

I got pregnant a year ago and he insisted on me having an abortion. I wanted to keep the baby and know that before I was with him I would not have let anyone tell me what I could or could not do but I didn't question him.

Just for some background we don't live together as I look after my DNephew full time. I care for my partners mum but not full time. We have a joint account and loans but no mortgage etc.

There is probably more that I have left out. I am not sure what I am asking. I feel like I am to blame for a lot of this. I can't see a way out, I cannot imagine a life without him, and at the same time all I want is to be by myself. Since the first realisation last night it has all been pouring into my mind- memories I didn't know I had. I feel terrified but also as if my eyes have been opened- but I can't work out what's next.

Sorry for length

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 13/12/2013 09:27

That's a good idea.

I'm just checking in to make sure you are ok. EAT SOMETHING.

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 13/12/2013 09:30

I made toast but I can't face it arghh

OP posts:
Tuhlulah · 13/12/2013 09:43

Don't delete the messages, you may need to show them to the police.

If he comes near you call the police immediately. Ask Women's Aid about applying for an injunction. That's a court order saying he cannot come within a certain distance of you and if he does he can be arrested. The injunction must have powers of arrest attached to it though. To do this you'll need to go to court. You have sufficient evidence to get one but WA will advise you further. Call them today.

And you called all your siblings! Can you see how far you've come in just a few days, from saying you can't and relying on MN support -to doing all this for yourself. You are already coming to terms with everything and getting confident.

Don't let him scare you into being that person you were this time last week. He is angry because he has lost his source of making himself feel better. Doing all that shit to you made him feel powerful in the world, when really ha has nothing else to make him feel powerful. I suspect bad things have happened to him too -but it happens to lots of people who don't go on to abuse. That's why it's so important you are getting away from him, so you don't have children who learn how to abuse others or who also live in fear.

Well done my sweet.

Bananas would be really good for you, as long as they are nice and ripe. Peanut butter is also good (high in protein). Soup. Try to eat today. Look at your body as a machine that needs to be serviced regularly. It needs fuel, fluid, warmth and rest periods.
XXX

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 13/12/2013 09:47

Thank you tuhlulah,
Does that mean he might have been released? I don't think any of the messages were from after he was arrested but I don't know, I am scared to check.
I'm going to the police station to see the dv officer.
Thank you all x

OP posts:
Tuhlulah · 13/12/2013 09:50

Good for you, get down there!

The police won't be able to hold him for very long. If they are going to charge him he will appear at court to be charged then released on bail, and he will have to stick to the conditions on his bail. One of them will be not going near you (I think). The DV officer will explain everything to you, and about how to get an emergency injunction. Today is Friday -you need to get it into court today if possible. It is possible, you have time.

Go girl!

Jux · 13/12/2013 09:52

Good luck at the station. Tell them everything, no matter what, and show them the texts and so on.

Hold your head up. You have nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to blame yourself for. He did all this, all his own work.

cjel · 13/12/2013 09:57

MOrning PACK, Another day over and you did well. Try and buy yourself something you would be able to eat. Maybe some soup or something? Complans great for nutrition but doesn't always taste the bestSmile

Hope you feel even better after you've been to see DV officer.xx

LoisPuddingLane · 13/12/2013 10:00

EAT SOMETHING.

You cannot survive on adrenaline, sweetpea. Soup is good.

You are doing so well. xx

custardo · 13/12/2013 10:02

not eating will contribute to you feeling low. please eat something.

Preciousbane · 13/12/2013 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

43percentburnt · 13/12/2013 10:38

Try and eat something small at least, maybe a few nuts and dried fruit if you cannot manage much.

Keep posting for company. Maybe put the radio on at home, I find radio 4 keeps me occupied. Try family again, any old friends? I would be there like a shot for a friend in this situation, even if I hadn't seen them for years.

paulapantsdown · 13/12/2013 11:36

Morning Pack, well you survived the night and today is a new day!

Please eat something, even if it makes you gag. I have been in that situation where the thought of food is unbearable, but you MUST eat if you are to face the days ahead and heal.

It's amazing that in the midst of all this, you are baking cakes for DN and thinking of ways to make his life nicer. You really are inspirational and worth SO much more than that scumbag made you believe. Think of the great times ahead, freedom to do, say, eat, go wherever and whatever you like, with money in your pocket not his, and a great job to go back to when you are healed, a car and a flat.

These are though days, but once you have recovered from the stress, your life is going to be great. Keep telling yourself that.

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 13/12/2013 11:51

Hi everyone am taking a moment to get myself together and wanted to update you
I have been speaking to the dv officer. She has taken a statement, and we listened to the messages, they were threatening and he was being very verbally aggressive. I was finding it hard to take in information.
She has referred me to a sexual assault referral centre (I think that's what she said) and she is going to come with me there in about 10 minutes. They took photos of my injuries from him.
I'm not sure what else there is to say but they have DNA from my clothes from yesterday I think she said.
It is a strong case apparently. She was so lovely to me and gentle

OP posts:
Preciousbane · 13/12/2013 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoisPuddingLane · 13/12/2013 12:24

That's brilliant, Pack. I'm glad they are being kind and supportive. I think you really had a narrow escape. That man is evil.

When you feel a bit better, maybe it would be nice to plan a little break for you and your nephew. Something to look forward to. xx

cjel · 13/12/2013 12:32
Flowers
IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 13/12/2013 12:33

Thinking of you Pack.

I am glad you have made contact with MH services again, take full advantage of them especially the psychotherapy. You will find it invaluable as you re-establish yourself and learn to enjoy your freedom.

Good luck with the DV officer appointment.

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 13/12/2013 12:48

Thank you IrishBlood, precious and Lois,
I have left now, I have had a full check for stds etc, they said they can arrange counselling for me if I need it too.
It was all a bit embarrassing but it is over now and I'm proud that I went and did all this today, I honestly thought I couldn't.
Sorry cjel I don't know why but I can't see what you wrote x

OP posts:
livingzuid · 13/12/2013 12:51

Well done you, what progress. Keep us up to date. And eat! :)

alli1968 · 13/12/2013 13:47

Hi Packup

I have just read your posts and i just wanted to send you a note to say well done for what you have achieved in a few days. Be kind to yourself and take every offer of support and help. There are many on here with much better advice and better words than me but remeber there is a community of women here that do care and amazingly are online 24 hours if you need a hand to hold.

keep going with baby steps - your life will get better - it already has.

You deserve to be happy xxx

BananaRaces · 13/12/2013 14:29

Have only just read this, I think you have got some very good advice on here already but I didn't want to read and not respond.

You are doing SO well. Look after yourself, you deserve every kindness you can give yourself. I hope you are proud of yourself for what you have done, I am proud of you and I haven't even met you!

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will get where you want to be.
x

LoisPuddingLane · 13/12/2013 14:46

Did they let you know what was happening with the Ex? If he's out on the streets it would be useful for you to know.

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 13/12/2013 15:50

I can't do this anymore I don't want to deal with it anymore

OP posts:
SuburbanCrofter · 13/12/2013 16:10

[Delurks] Yes you can pack, you've done so much already. Please stay on the thread if you can so we know you're OK.

Breathe.

SoleSorceress · 13/12/2013 16:11

But you are dealing with it x