My relationship (long sorry)

[Packupyourtroubles]

Hi
I posted on chat about what I now know to be 'gaslighting' that my partner does. I was advised to start a thread in relationships.
Last night I was reading a thread and went to reply thinking 'how would I feel in this situation' then realised that actually I have been many times.

Since then it's like the floodgates have opened and I'm realising just how dysfunctional my relationship is.

I met my partner 6 years ago aged 17. He was my first love, etc.
when we first got together I was confident, sure of myself and my values, and knew what I would and would not stand for. Since then I feel I have lost every element of myself.

He is aggressive in words and actions. He has shaken me at times and once a few weeks ago slapped me. Most of the time he just punches objects- the dashboard in my car for example, so not hurting me.

He will always, after an argument say 'why did you make me say/do whatever'. I always end up apologising purely so I am not making him angry any more.

If there is something I don't like, for example he talks to lots of females, has stayed the night at their houses- he will say 'I don't have male friends, do you want me to have no friends'- and I will end up agreeing with him, or I make a point and he twists it so much I have no idea what I was trying to say in the first place.

He has cheated on me but I forgave him both times and he did seem to change his behaviour but now I'm realising he probably didn't.

He has sex with me knowing I don't want to, he is controlling and insists I see him every day and wants me to do sexual things I am not comfortable with. I have sort of given up saying no so I realise I am to blame for that.

I got pregnant a year ago and he insisted on me having an abortion. I wanted to keep the baby and know that before I was with him I would not have let anyone tell me what I could or could not do but I didn't question him.

Just for some background we don't live together as I look after my DNephew full time. I care for my partners mum but not full time. We have a joint account and loans but no mortgage etc.

There is probably more that I have left out. I am not sure what I am asking. I feel like I am to blame for a lot of this. I can't see a way out, I cannot imagine a life without him, and at the same time all I want is to be by myself. Since the first realisation last night it has all been pouring into my mind- memories I didn't know I had. I feel terrified but also as if my eyes have been opened- but I can't work out what's next.

Sorry for length

Packup, if you are feeling really bad and need to hear a real voice call the Samaritans. They are 08457 90 90 90 or emial them [email protected]. They are set up to help people like all of us, not just you, cope when we are having trouble.

Call them.

I am sorry about your sister. She's just not made of the good stuff that you are. What more can you say? You tried and now you know. She might come round in her own time.

You are clever and kind and strong and so brave. And you are exhausted. Hopefully the pills will kick in soon. XX

I am at my flat I want to stay here I can't face going out again,
I have really stupidly self harmed again and regretted it almost straight away, but I can't change it.
I'm sorry for all my negativity tonight. I honestly feel like this thread and all you posters have kept me sane and alive, and have helped me to understand that I don't need to be treated that way.
Thank you for all your posts I will think about Christmas although I think I could go to mum and dads.

Thank you tuhlulah I nearly called them before I will try to call them next time.

You don't have to apologise to us. Just be kind to yourself.

Next time?

Because you self harmed doesn't mean you failed but it also doesn't mean that your need has gone away. It's only a temporary release. You mustn't be pushed into doing what you don't want to do, certainly not by me (my DS and HD call me Adolph behind my back). But don't be shy to call them. They were created for people who are feeling like you feel right now.

Don't stress about the self harming. It's not good, but if it's what you need to get you through this, I won't say don't do it. You have to do what you have to do. But try to remember there are other things to try. (And what about the elastic band thing? Have you ever tried that?)

And you're not scared of trying things are you -you called your sister. You tried that. It's a whole new world out there full of things for you to try.

You're doing well.

I expect you feel a bit overwhelmed because you are now in control of what you do, where, how, with whom. Because you had all those choices taken away from you and made for you, or rather imposed on you. It was decided for you when and how you had sex, to whom you spoke. You have had a lucky escape from what would most likely have been a lifetime of pain and misery. It may hurt now but it will be worth it. It takes a while to get confidence back. But you make decisions every day at work, so you can do that. Imagine you are making them for someone else, for someone else's benefit.

Take every day as it comes. You've got some time off, and soon DN will be out of school. There are lots of free things to do in London. Museums, places to walk. Check that out. You might even enjoy it. Have you vere been to the Transport Museum in Covent Garden (not free unfortunately) but the RAF Museum at hendon is free and I bet DN would love that. And the Imperial War Museum, which is also free. Do some nice things with someone who really loves and appreciates you.

XX

Sorry PackUp, I meant calling the Samaritans, not my DS or DH -they wouldn't be much use to you!!!

XXX

Oh yes, I second the museums.

I meant next time I want to self harm sorry x
I have tried the elastic bands in the past but I find that holding ice cubes or running my wrists under really cold water helps a bit better, but cutting is the only thing that has ever really calmed me.
I like the idea of museums, but I'm very scared to be outside, I hope that will calm down soon.
I have just thought that I can eat whatever I like now, I am going to be able to be free to do those things, which Is scary.

Scary and good.

Pack* I've been following your thread. I'm just so sorry about what happened today, but on the positive side you're safe now. You have no idea how many people on here care about what happens to you. For now, just take one day at a time and please be kind to yourself. You have no idea, but we can really tell you're a lovely person from your posts and please believe you didn't deserve to be treated like that by him or indeed anyone. Look after yourself, sleep well and I hope you can see things are a bit brighter with fresh eyes tomorrow.

Maybe its exciting not scary. Are you ok have you self harmed safely? Have you anything in that you'd like to eat now?

Not scary! WONDERFUL! FReedom. You are free.

Did that little prick control your eating as well? Oh my gosh! What an inadequate little tosser. You do realise, don't you, that all of these things he did say just exactly how inadequate and weak he is.

Glad you have found some coping mechanism for the urge to cut. But don't stress about that. When things calm down you can go to your Gp and get referred to a psychotherapist again (was it a psychotherapist or a psychologist, sorry, I can't recall). In reality I expect that the coping mechanisms you learn from CBT/therapy simply put a plaster on an amputation (if you get my drift). I wonder if you have started to address what was causing you to self harm in getting free from the little prick? How much of your self harming is down to the stress he created in your life?

Just take it steady. If outside is too much then try getting a really nice kids' film to watch with DN. I watched Babe at the weekend, and wept buckets at that bit when Farmer bottle feeds Babe and then sings and dances for him. And ET. I have never watched that and not cried (DH cries more than me). Do nice things with DN. Make a pizza together. Make some cakes using a box of cake mix.

As Arthur Daley in Minder used to say (and now I am showing my age): the world's your lobster.

I am going to bed Packem. Tomorrow is another day. he who fights and runs away lives to fight another day. That's you, living to fight another day.

Goodnight. X

Maybe it is good ? I can't work it out though. I tried to do it safely but I haven't looked at them and I'm a bit scared to. I don't think I could eat x
Thank you for that lovely message x

Tuhlulah you have given me lots to think about but I see what you mean about how much of the self harm was because of stress from him or other things.
I want to see my nephew but I don't want him to see me like this, but I have a few things that I want to do with him when he's back, he loves building a big den in the living room and eating snacks and watching power rangers! So we will do that together, that has made me smile. Thank you

I suppose safe self-harming is making sure you don't use something that will give you blood poisoning. And of course not cutting into arteries, that helps.

It doesn't sound like you've eaten at all in the last day or so. Please make sure you have some breakfast in the morning. Low blood sugar can affect your mood too.

Tomorrow is another day. Don't worry about things tonight. You've had an eventful few days - understatement of the year!

Do you like soaking in a bath?
Do you like sitting on the floor, eating pizza and watching a film?
Do you like putting the music on loud?

Whatever it is that floats your boat, do it. Do things which make you smile. Do things you like that you haven't done for while. Give yourself treats.

You deserve to have a good life, to have fun, to see friends if you want to and to lock the world out if you want to.

Hope you sleep tonight. Hope the pills are working. I will be thinking of you. (((big hug)))

Good morning how did you sleep? Just wanted to check in.

Reach for the ice cubes or call the Samaritans every time you feel the urge to cut. Someday when you feel strong enough you can go to a gp and get referral to a clinical psychologist who will work with you, but for now take each hour as it comes.

I hope you manage some breakfast today please try and eat something - tea and toast :)

Every hour you manage on your own is another hour of freedom. All your hopes and ambitions that you dreamt of can now happen because you are free of that swine. Make a list of all the things you would love to do, no matter how wacky!

And be easy on yourself. It takes time but you are doing so well. Are you seeing the DV officer today?

Hi everyone I ended up going to hospital I needed to get stitched up, I spoke to a psychiatrist while I was there but because I'm known by mh services in another borough she's going to speak to them today, and I should be able to start seeing a psychotherapist again.
I'm going to see the dv officer today, I am a bit worried, does anyone know what happens ?
I feel kind of calm which worries me a bit because I don't know why.
Thank you for replies x

Packup

There's no need to be worried. It's all onwards and upwards now. Your ex has been detained, the powers that be have/are being kicked into action, you are safe.

I assume the DV officer will just want to take a statement of the abuse you've suffered over the years and the intense kick off that happened last night.

Call your family again. Tell them what happened. At least advise your sister (Dn's mum) that you have been both physically and mentally hurt by this sad excuse of a man. It'll interfere with your den making!

It sounds like your young nephew brings you joy. Enjoy it.

Pack you are amazing. I'm sorry you got hurt and hope you recover from these physical injuries soon. The psychological ones are gonna take some time but im sure you know that. You can do it though, you WILL get through this. You have been so brave these past few days. We are all rooting for you.

I am thinking of you today.

Just get through every day. If your mind can't cope, then at least service your body by giving it food and fluid and rest. You are going brilliantly.

take care. XX

If you're finding it hard to eat, mashed banana is very good, as is mashed avocado. Both contain everything that you need in terms of nutrients, and you could survive eating nothing else!

Alternatively you could get some Complan, any of those meal replacement things (I find them vile, but only have them when I'm too ill to eat which may have a bearing!). More expensive than a straightforward banana though.

Live yoghurt would be better than nothing.

I'm glad you went back to the hospital, and things are moving towards getting you help. Of course the bastard stopped you seeing the psych before. He wanted you off balance as much as possible. Such a little shit. My contempt for him knows no bounds!

Hope you are getting some rest now.

I'm going to eat in a moment I think I will make some toast and I have put some cupcakes in the oven for my sister to pick up to give to my nephew.
I have text her about what's been happening but I haven't had a reply from her, my other sister didn't call back but my cousin should have my brothers number so I will try to get in touch with him. I turned on my personal phone and I wish I hadn't now, the amount of messages he sent is crazy,they were so aggressive and scary. I have al these texts saying I have a missed call from his number.

How about listening to the calls only when the DV officer is there - it'll certainly strengthen your case!! What an arse. You are one brave babe.