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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My relationship (long sorry)

637 replies

Packupyourtroubles · 10/12/2013 19:15

Hi
I posted on chat about what I now know to be 'gaslighting' that my partner does. I was advised to start a thread in relationships.
Last night I was reading a thread and went to reply thinking 'how would I feel in this situation' then realised that actually I have been many times.

Since then it's like the floodgates have opened and I'm realising just how dysfunctional my relationship is.

I met my partner 6 years ago aged 17. He was my first love, etc.
when we first got together I was confident, sure of myself and my values, and knew what I would and would not stand for. Since then I feel I have lost every element of myself.

He is aggressive in words and actions. He has shaken me at times and once a few weeks ago slapped me. Most of the time he just punches objects- the dashboard in my car for example, so not hurting me.

He will always, after an argument say 'why did you make me say/do whatever'. I always end up apologising purely so I am not making him angry any more.

If there is something I don't like, for example he talks to lots of females, has stayed the night at their houses- he will say 'I don't have male friends, do you want me to have no friends'- and I will end up agreeing with him, or I make a point and he twists it so much I have no idea what I was trying to say in the first place.

He has cheated on me but I forgave him both times and he did seem to change his behaviour but now I'm realising he probably didn't.

He has sex with me knowing I don't want to, he is controlling and insists I see him every day and wants me to do sexual things I am not comfortable with. I have sort of given up saying no so I realise I am to blame for that.

I got pregnant a year ago and he insisted on me having an abortion. I wanted to keep the baby and know that before I was with him I would not have let anyone tell me what I could or could not do but I didn't question him.

Just for some background we don't live together as I look after my DNephew full time. I care for my partners mum but not full time. We have a joint account and loans but no mortgage etc.

There is probably more that I have left out. I am not sure what I am asking. I feel like I am to blame for a lot of this. I can't see a way out, I cannot imagine a life without him, and at the same time all I want is to be by myself. Since the first realisation last night it has all been pouring into my mind- memories I didn't know I had. I feel terrified but also as if my eyes have been opened- but I can't work out what's next.

Sorry for length

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 12/12/2013 21:36

You don't have to apologise. If you knew just how many people were cheering you on here. You are doing fine. You've had a very stressful 24 hours. Nobody expects you to feel on top of things.

When I feel that I hate myself, I try to think how I would care for me at five years old, if that makes sense. I try to envisage that little child and how much she needs love and kindness. It's all the same person - be kind to yourself as you would to a little child.

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 12/12/2013 21:36

My head is just saying no more, I feel I need the control the relationship gave me in order to function but I know that's not right, but I can't see what is.

OP posts:
Tobermory · 12/12/2013 21:37

He's an utter bastard for the damage he's caused, the physical damage of course but also how he's made you feel.

Could you contact your brother-tell him what's going on?

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 12/12/2013 21:37

Try to fight the urge to hurt yourself. If you have had support before from the Crisis Team or the Home Care Team you might want to contact them again direct or via your GP.

LoisPuddingLane · 12/12/2013 21:39

It's not surprising you miss the feeling of being controlled - that's been your reality for so long you don't know how to be you without it. You'll find out, but it will take time.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 12/12/2013 21:41

You won't be able to see anything clearly right now. Everything is up in the air. You will need time and space to let things settle and before you can rebuild your life with healthier control systems to support you. You need to go through this awful period of flux before things get better. They will get better, do look at counselling or therapy to help with this.

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 12/12/2013 21:43

My brother is not around and I don't have a number for him
I'm sorry I'm all over the place I can't think properly

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 12/12/2013 21:44

Don't worry. The important thing is to look after yourself.

eddielizzard · 12/12/2013 21:50

ok don't worry about contacting your family. in time but not worth stressing about.

keep posting here.

Tobermory · 12/12/2013 21:51

I'm not surprised you can't think straight. Look at what you've been through in the last 24 hours, what you've achieved.

Why don't you start yourself a sparkly list?
A list go things you want to do? Or things you like? Places you'd like to visit? Films you want to watch? Things you'd like to eat or buy?

A way of forcing yourself to think about things that are less stressful.... Nicer.

alphabook · 12/12/2013 21:51

De-lurking just to say that you are incredible. You may feel like you are weak but you are braver and stronger than you know. Some women never manage to get away. You have achieved so much already and although it may be a long road ahead you're on the right track. You are young and you have all the time in the world to rebuild your life. You have already demonstrated what a strong, capable woman you are and I know that one day you will look back and barely remember the girl who was controlled and abused by that bastard.

Monbrow89 · 12/12/2013 21:54

Your not being stupid or weak at all your being brave and you have a lot of people on here for support. Do you have any close work colleagues you could speak to?

Jux · 12/12/2013 21:55

Oh Pack, you poor thing. What a weasel he is. i am so so sorry you are hurt. Unfortunately they can't do much about ribs, just medicate for the pain. Bastard bastard bastard.

Don't worry about replying individually to people, remembering names etc., we don't need that.

I hope you're asleep now and comfortable.

I wondered if you're not comfortable calling your sister, how would you feel about calling your dn's mum? I got the impression you were pretty close to her?

Thank goodness you'd already been talking to the dv officer, so the police were all primed to get to you.

You will feel like shit for a few days, but you will start to feel better. Please do talk to the dv officer as soon as you can - tomorrow if you can, but if not don't put it off too long.

So glad he's been arrested, the cowardly little shit.

You're not weak. You've been hurt, have a broken bone, in pain, exhausted, in shock. It's amazing you were able to post at all!

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 12/12/2013 21:55

I will try the list I need to pull myself together and stop being silly. Thank you all for your support.
I feel like I need my mum

OP posts:
Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 12/12/2013 21:57

Sorry I didn't make it clear my dn's mum is one of my sisters, I have been messaging one of them, but me and dn's mum aren't close really x

OP posts:
Jux · 12/12/2013 21:58

No, you don't need to pull yourself together. You need to rest and be kind to yourself.

You said you weren't close to your parents. Is that because he made you distance yourself?

LoisPuddingLane · 12/12/2013 21:59

You are not being silly, sweetheart.

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 12/12/2013 22:02

He made me distance myself from everyone I hadn't understood or really seen how much until now
When my mum got ill my dad resented me for not being around much he didn't know what was going on. I still see them but mum is ill with dementia and I have never been able to really speak to anyone in my family about things anyway.
I am being stupid, I know that so many people go through so much worse yet I am feeling like I can't take anymore.

OP posts:
Jux · 12/12/2013 22:03

Sorry, x post.

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 12/12/2013 22:03

I couldn't talk to work colleagues as I have no one who is at my level they are either senior or I have to manage them and I have spoken to my director but I can't tell him all of it, and I can't speak to those people I manage as I don't see anyone enough to be close to them

OP posts:
Jux · 12/12/2013 22:06

Just because other people suffer, doesn't mean that yours doesn't count. I'm sorry about your mum, I know how hard it is when someone you love has dementia.

Monbrow89 · 12/12/2013 22:10

By him making you distance yourself from family is another form of abuse because it means you are reliant upon him as you will feel like you have no one when you leave hence why you are feeling like this now. Do you have no work colleagues you see on a regular basis that you feel you could confide in? Regardless of whether they're on your level or not.

cjel · 12/12/2013 22:12

Today isn't the day to pull yourself together, today is the day to spoil and take care of yourself. You have done amazingly so far and if you can't see a light at the end of the tunnel yet I can assure you it is there you just haven't spotted it yet. Do you feel safe at your flat or are you going back to the hotel tonight?

Tobermory · 12/12/2013 22:12

You mustnt compare your pain to others. Don't feel as if, in some wAy, this isn't 'as bad' as things others are going through. Just think about you and how you're going to get through this. And you will get through it, baby steps. One day at a time. Each day getting stronger. X

LoisPuddingLane · 12/12/2013 22:17

When you are feeling a bit more together, it might be worth thinking what you'll do over Christmas. It can be a very lonely time when it seems (and I say "seems") that everyone else is in the bosom of their happy family.

You might want to treat yourself and go somewhere nice, or maybe help out at an old people's home for the day, or a cat shelter or something.

Just a thought.