My relationship (long sorry)

[Packupyourtroubles]

Hi
I posted on chat about what I now know to be 'gaslighting' that my partner does. I was advised to start a thread in relationships.
Last night I was reading a thread and went to reply thinking 'how would I feel in this situation' then realised that actually I have been many times.

Since then it's like the floodgates have opened and I'm realising just how dysfunctional my relationship is.

I met my partner 6 years ago aged 17. He was my first love, etc.
when we first got together I was confident, sure of myself and my values, and knew what I would and would not stand for. Since then I feel I have lost every element of myself.

He is aggressive in words and actions. He has shaken me at times and once a few weeks ago slapped me. Most of the time he just punches objects- the dashboard in my car for example, so not hurting me.

He will always, after an argument say 'why did you make me say/do whatever'. I always end up apologising purely so I am not making him angry any more.

If there is something I don't like, for example he talks to lots of females, has stayed the night at their houses- he will say 'I don't have male friends, do you want me to have no friends'- and I will end up agreeing with him, or I make a point and he twists it so much I have no idea what I was trying to say in the first place.

He has cheated on me but I forgave him both times and he did seem to change his behaviour but now I'm realising he probably didn't.

He has sex with me knowing I don't want to, he is controlling and insists I see him every day and wants me to do sexual things I am not comfortable with. I have sort of given up saying no so I realise I am to blame for that.

I got pregnant a year ago and he insisted on me having an abortion. I wanted to keep the baby and know that before I was with him I would not have let anyone tell me what I could or could not do but I didn't question him.

Just for some background we don't live together as I look after my DNephew full time. I care for my partners mum but not full time. We have a joint account and loans but no mortgage etc.

There is probably more that I have left out. I am not sure what I am asking. I feel like I am to blame for a lot of this. I can't see a way out, I cannot imagine a life without him, and at the same time all I want is to be by myself. Since the first realisation last night it has all been pouring into my mind- memories I didn't know I had. I feel terrified but also as if my eyes have been opened- but I can't work out what's next.

Sorry for length

Oh Christ, I just got in from work and read what has happened to you today. The utter utter bastard. You poor thing.

Well that's it now though, he will never be allowed within 50 feet of you now that the cops and the court have a record of his arrest for assaulting you.

I really hope that you can take some time off work now and rest and get well. I am thinking of you and sending love and strength. This day was terrible for you, but it's the last day that he will ever hurt you.

So glad you went for help. What a waste of space he is.

Thank you all x I'm afraid I've been very weak but I can't change it now

Don't be daft. You've been amazing.

To put it into perspective, my mum was regularly beaten up by my dad over a period of at least ten years. She tried to leave him once when I was eight. She couldn't cope and we ended up going home again. I remember being really sad to go home because we had escaped.

She never did leave him

You did it.

What a horrible man. What a courageous lady you are. I am so glad you called the police.

Rest tonight.

This is an abusive relationship.

It's emotionally abusive by the things he says to you and by making you have an abortion or leaving you with no choice but to have one.
It's physical abuse because he has slapped you and hit you and he has thrown things towards you.
It's sexual abuse because he has sex with you without your consent.

This is not a relationship anyone should be in. Get out now.
It doesn't matter what friends or family will think, it has to be about you.

He has cheated on you and used the most popular abusers phrase 'look what you have made me do'.

Please let it stop now and find someone (eventually) who will treat you right and not use and abuse you. He is not right for you and he doesn't deserve you - he doesn't deserve anyone with such disgusting behaviour.

I sincerely hope you can make a plan to have him out of your life. Make some phone calls to some organisations and see what they can do. He obviously knows where you live and you are carer of your nephew, so I understand you can't upsticks but perhaps there is something you can to minimise the damage he can do.

Feel free to PM me at any time but I hate to think of you staying in a relationship with such an abusive cock as this man and he is abusive in every which way; gaslighting is the least of your worries here.

Be strong and please, please listen to what myself and others have said on this thread.

Thinking of you

You are not weak. You have done the bravest thing by calling time on him. He is weak, utterly reliant on you, incapable of providing for himself and incapable of having a normal relationship with any other human being. He must be shitting himself at the thought of having to manage without you. Good fucking riddance to him.

I am glad you went to the hospital and that it will strengthen your case. What you have been through today is horrendous but You will come out of this and it will make you stronger.

I can't do anymore I want to give up and I hate that I'm being like this

I'm so pleased you got checked out at the hospital. You are the opposite of weak. You have been so brave today.

Curl up on the sofa with a hot water bottle and nice mug of cocoa and some crap TV. Look after yourself, take a few days off. Keeping up good physical health is so important right now to see you through.

Talk to us on mn we don't expect you to reply personally.

He can't ever hurt you again. Let the people who can help you do so - police, DV worker, gp, etc. It is what they are there to do. You have spent so long looking after everyone else it is now time for you to be looked after.

Sleep well.

No, no. Don't give up. You've done soo much in such a short space of time. We're all here rooting for you. You've been incredibly brave and strong. Please don't give up. [sending you an unmumsnetty hug]

You need do nothing else today but rest. There is nothing you have to do but little enjoyable things like having a nice cup of tea. Is there anyone you can call? Remember if you need to talk to someone call the Samaritans.

You have had such a rough few days it is no wonder you feel the way you do. Your body is healing and your mind is in shock. Allow yourself time. Don't push yourself to do anything but recover.

Remember you have done nothing wrong. You did and are doing the right thing.

When you say "give up", do you mean go back to him? No, please don't. What he has done to you tonight will be the tip of the iceberg if you do. You've shown some spirit and tried to get rid of him, and he would up the level of control, and the level of violence, to get you right back where he wants you.

On average, two women in the UK each week are killed by their current or former partner. Do not put yourself where he can hurt you.

I'm not condoning violence here but he really does need a good beating.

Has he psychically attacked you like this before? Has no one in your family or close friends tries defending you?!

You don't have to do any more tonight. Try to just rest now. Try not to worry about what might happen tomorrow or over the next few days. Letting your mind race ahead will stress you out and won't help you deal with what might happen any better.

Have you eaten? Do try to eat something even if it is small, food and sleep will be important in helping you cope with whatever does happen in the days to come. Can you try and wind down now for bed, maybe have a warm milky drink. Did the hospital give you anything for the pain?

You might also want to consider going to see your GP at some point soon. They will be able to offer solutions to support you through this. That might include signing you off work, you might find that you don't have the headspace for work whilst you are in the process of extricating yourself from this toxic twat. The GP can also help you to manage your anxiety with meds or counselling. There is lots of help available to you when you feel ready to access it. For now though get some rest.

I do think a week or two signed off with stress would be good. How can you do your job in this state?

you have done the worst bit. you are amazing and strong and you will pull through. phone your sister if you can, and tell her you need her now.

I agree, phone your sister.

Packup, you are exhausted and shocked. How you are feeling is totally normal and understandable under your circumstances.

You don't want to give up. But you need some sleep. You must rest your body and switch off your brain. All of you needs a break.

Let tomorrow take care of itself, just rest tonight. XX

Also, as other posters have said, don't worry about responding to posts on this thread. Just keep reading and know that mumsnetters are rooting for you.

I haven't got anyone I can call, I asked my sister to call me, told her briefly what was going on and she said 'sorry, I can't call, I am busy' and I haven't heard from her.
I want to hurt myself again and I'm hating myself for feeling like this.
I don't mean I want to go back to him, he wouldn't have me now anyway. I Jst want to give up and ignore everything, I hate myself for thinking like this and being pathetic.
He has only physically hurt me 3 times before, shaking me and slapping me. No one really knows what goes on in our relationship, I haven't had anyone around to tell it to,
I have taken the painkillers, the hospital gave me codeine and diclofenac I think it is called.
I can't eat I think. The director called me today and said that he has got cover for me for the next week.
I'm really sorry that I'm being like this x

Sleep. Eat. Read the thread. Keep posting. You can do this, you've already done the hardest part!

You have tens and tens of people rooting for you, ready to listen and offer support.

Your director sounds like a star. Your sister not so much. Take the week off your boss has offered and more if you need it. You sound like an excellent employee so they will want to support you.

If I remember rightly codeine will help with the pain and will also make you feel relaxed and muzzy, take the edges off a bit. It might help you towards sleep. Take it as directed obviously.

Diclofenac is also excellent. I remember it brought me huge relief after a laparoscopy. Again take it as they have directed you.

Pack up, just read your thread.... What an amazing, amazing woman you are.

This is the lowest point. You are in shock, in pain, you are tired and overwrought. This is the worst point. If you can try to rest, take a sleeping pill, eat a little and sleep, sleep and sleep, you WILL get through this night.

Tomorrow is the first day of your new life without fear. You don't have to worry about work.

You are so brave, don't give up now. X