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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My relationship (long sorry)

637 replies

Packupyourtroubles · 10/12/2013 19:15

Hi
I posted on chat about what I now know to be 'gaslighting' that my partner does. I was advised to start a thread in relationships.
Last night I was reading a thread and went to reply thinking 'how would I feel in this situation' then realised that actually I have been many times.

Since then it's like the floodgates have opened and I'm realising just how dysfunctional my relationship is.

I met my partner 6 years ago aged 17. He was my first love, etc.
when we first got together I was confident, sure of myself and my values, and knew what I would and would not stand for. Since then I feel I have lost every element of myself.

He is aggressive in words and actions. He has shaken me at times and once a few weeks ago slapped me. Most of the time he just punches objects- the dashboard in my car for example, so not hurting me.

He will always, after an argument say 'why did you make me say/do whatever'. I always end up apologising purely so I am not making him angry any more.

If there is something I don't like, for example he talks to lots of females, has stayed the night at their houses- he will say 'I don't have male friends, do you want me to have no friends'- and I will end up agreeing with him, or I make a point and he twists it so much I have no idea what I was trying to say in the first place.

He has cheated on me but I forgave him both times and he did seem to change his behaviour but now I'm realising he probably didn't.

He has sex with me knowing I don't want to, he is controlling and insists I see him every day and wants me to do sexual things I am not comfortable with. I have sort of given up saying no so I realise I am to blame for that.

I got pregnant a year ago and he insisted on me having an abortion. I wanted to keep the baby and know that before I was with him I would not have let anyone tell me what I could or could not do but I didn't question him.

Just for some background we don't live together as I look after my DNephew full time. I care for my partners mum but not full time. We have a joint account and loans but no mortgage etc.

There is probably more that I have left out. I am not sure what I am asking. I feel like I am to blame for a lot of this. I can't see a way out, I cannot imagine a life without him, and at the same time all I want is to be by myself. Since the first realisation last night it has all been pouring into my mind- memories I didn't know I had. I feel terrified but also as if my eyes have been opened- but I can't work out what's next.

Sorry for length

OP posts:
Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 12/12/2013 15:20

Yeah
I just want to go to bed

OP posts:
Monbrow89 · 12/12/2013 15:24

I'm getting angry reading this, how any man can be violent to a woman and look at themselves in the mirror and see themselves as a man is unbelievable. I know people say violence is never the answer but sometimes scumbags like this need to be on the receiving end of situations like this.

livingzuid · 12/12/2013 15:35

pack oh you are so good. Remember your health is paramount. Do you not want to go to hospital because you are scared or just want to go to sleep? They will help you and make you feel better. It would be good to know physically you are OK.

Thinking of you. Brilliant that you called the police. Remember the mantra that you deserve better and you will get through this.

SoleSorceress · 12/12/2013 15:37

He verbally, emotionally and physically assaulted you?

VeniseAndMe · 12/12/2013 15:42

So in effect, he was waiting for you, setting up an ambush with someone else???

Please go to the hospital, at least so that the injuries you gave have been looked at and you have an official record of his physical violence.
Please do tell the DV officer what has been going on before that, the threatening behaviours, the sex issues etc... At the very heady so she can get a real picture of who he is.

(((Hugs))) and lots of courage directed to you.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 12/12/2013 15:49

Go to bed if that is what you want right now. But keep an eye on how you are feeling, if anything starts to feel worse go to hospital. Personally, I would go and get checked over in A&E.

I hope the police arrest the cowardly bastard. I am so sorry you are going through this. I know you are reluctant to call on your siblings but could you not explain that you gave been attacked, the police are involved and you could with some support tonight? Obviously, if you would rather be alone don't do it, but if you feel you need someone with you tonight then reach out.

God love you Pack, this will pass.

KatieScarlett2833 · 12/12/2013 15:56

Sweetheart, don't let the bastard grind you down. He is not fit to lick your boots.
Any word from the Police? Hope they lock the fucker up.

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 12/12/2013 16:04

He was waiting for me I don't think anyone else was involved to be honest I think he's been hanging around my flat since last night,
I should go to the hospital but I just feel like all my courage is gone.
I can't move I feel frozen and sick

OP posts:
CailinDana · 12/12/2013 16:07

What injuries do you have?

43percentburnt · 12/12/2013 16:11

I hope you are okay. I agree do pop to a and e get checked out and the attack on record. Do you have someone to go with you? Then snuggle down in your hotel room, plenty of people are on here throughout the evening. Maybe read some of the chat threads to keep your mind elsewhere. You are doing amazingly well, it will get better. You have done the right thing with no contact. I couldn't do that (children) so was regularly subjected to screaming, shouting and attacking. I wish I had known about mumsnet, people walk you through what to do next...

At 23 you have an entire life ahead, I stayed for another 5 years. I left when he tried to strangle me. I have a professional job, am educated etc I now realise my ability to stick at things caused me to stay (thanks MN). I also felt guilty, I was the main earner etc. when we split up and he would say how he hated me, I would say to him surely you are glad we aren't together - he would still go mental. He, like your ex, was an arse. I wish I had known about mn then, I like to think I would have escaped earlier. My life is so very fab now, I like to come home from work, I don't feel on edge at home, I am not concerned about being around someone who doesn't know when to stop drinking. I have a wonderful husband who is calm, caring and thoughtful. I am sooooooo glad I left.

He may continue to be an arse, it is NOT easier to get back with him for a quiet life, ha I did that! This 'episode' will be thrown at you too. Stay strong, you are doing amazingly well.

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 12/12/2013 16:33

I'm going to go to the hospital now because I'm in more pain than at first

OP posts:
Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 12/12/2013 16:35

Sorry I am reading but I can't think properly I don't want to be rude

OP posts:
43percentburnt · 12/12/2013 17:00

Yes go to hospital. Hope you are okay.

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 12/12/2013 17:14

They have arrested him, they have the clothes I was wearing and they said they want to charge him but I don't know if that's going to happen yet, I haven't gone to the hospital. I am too all over the place atm

OP posts:
SeptemberFlowers · 12/12/2013 17:44

If your in pain, please please go to A&E to get checked over. He's been arrested so can't come over or near you x

Please do go x

SapSuma · 12/12/2013 18:18

Just want to echo everyone else. A and E is the most important thing right now -pease do go. Get a taxi if you can afford it. Make life as easy as you can right now and splash money if you can afford it with takeaways, taxis, phonecalls to anyone supportive. Please do look after yourself, you are very important -don't forget that. If you can't sort it for yourself, do it for your nephew.

Seminyak · 12/12/2013 18:25

Wow just read all your posts pack. You are a year younger than me and 100x stronger. You have so much on your plate. I aspire to your strength! What an amazing woman you are! Please please go to the hospital and look after yourself.

Tuhlulah · 12/12/2013 19:19

Hi Packup,

Sorry I've not been around today.

I am so sorry he hurt you. You need to get yourself to the hospital to be seen. They will keep a record of the injuries and this will be useful and necessary because the police will charge him.

Come on lovey, you have come this far and you are doing so well. WE are all telling you this. What you did takes real guts. Better to suffer now and get rid of the little bastard than to suffer him for the rest of your life.

What's happening now is horrible but think of it as a necessary evil. A fence to break through to get free.

I am thinking of you and have been thinking of you all day.

XXXXX

LoisPuddingLane · 12/12/2013 19:36

What a nasty little shit he is. Thank god you've broken away from him.

I also think you should go to hospital. Get a taxi there and back. xx

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 12/12/2013 19:41

I went to the hospital and am back at my flat. I have a broken rib and a bit of bruising on my face but I am ok. they gave me lots of pain killers but said they can't treat a broken rib.
They were very good and they have given me a print out of their notes so I can give it to the police,
Thank uou all for your support, I am feeling shaky and unwell but I am ok, I am not trying to be rude by not replying to posters individually you are all helping so much, I am just having lots of trouble remembering names and reading too much. I can barely type, I am exhausted! But I am ok and I am safe while he is at the station.

OP posts:
Tuhlulah · 12/12/2013 19:43

I am so glad you are not hurt worse.

You did exactly the right thing.

Now, the ONLY thing you need to do is EAT, DRINK and SLEEP. Nothing more my dear.

No one expects personal replies on here but we are all just looking out for you, you little star.

XXX

LoisPuddingLane · 12/12/2013 19:43

Fucking hell, the shit broke your rib?

You don't have to answer our questions, just take good care of yourself, make sure everything is securely locked and try to sleep. Keep your phone by the bed.

Tuhlulah · 12/12/2013 19:47

And (please don't take this the wrong way as I understand broken ribs are extremely painful) it will add weight to the CPS deciding whether to prosecute the little prick. Bruises, and it might be seen to be a bit of a slap but broken ribs are serious. he's not done himself any favours.

Rest. You will get through this. XX

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 12/12/2013 19:52

Honestly this thread is like a lifeline. The nurse said the same thing about it adding weight to the charges. She was very angry.

OP posts:
HazleNutt · 12/12/2013 20:01

he broke your rib???

I hope you are not thinking any more that any of this was in any way your fault. What a massive, massive bastard.

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