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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My relationship (long sorry)

637 replies

Packupyourtroubles · 10/12/2013 19:15

Hi
I posted on chat about what I now know to be 'gaslighting' that my partner does. I was advised to start a thread in relationships.
Last night I was reading a thread and went to reply thinking 'how would I feel in this situation' then realised that actually I have been many times.

Since then it's like the floodgates have opened and I'm realising just how dysfunctional my relationship is.

I met my partner 6 years ago aged 17. He was my first love, etc.
when we first got together I was confident, sure of myself and my values, and knew what I would and would not stand for. Since then I feel I have lost every element of myself.

He is aggressive in words and actions. He has shaken me at times and once a few weeks ago slapped me. Most of the time he just punches objects- the dashboard in my car for example, so not hurting me.

He will always, after an argument say 'why did you make me say/do whatever'. I always end up apologising purely so I am not making him angry any more.

If there is something I don't like, for example he talks to lots of females, has stayed the night at their houses- he will say 'I don't have male friends, do you want me to have no friends'- and I will end up agreeing with him, or I make a point and he twists it so much I have no idea what I was trying to say in the first place.

He has cheated on me but I forgave him both times and he did seem to change his behaviour but now I'm realising he probably didn't.

He has sex with me knowing I don't want to, he is controlling and insists I see him every day and wants me to do sexual things I am not comfortable with. I have sort of given up saying no so I realise I am to blame for that.

I got pregnant a year ago and he insisted on me having an abortion. I wanted to keep the baby and know that before I was with him I would not have let anyone tell me what I could or could not do but I didn't question him.

Just for some background we don't live together as I look after my DNephew full time. I care for my partners mum but not full time. We have a joint account and loans but no mortgage etc.

There is probably more that I have left out. I am not sure what I am asking. I feel like I am to blame for a lot of this. I can't see a way out, I cannot imagine a life without him, and at the same time all I want is to be by myself. Since the first realisation last night it has all been pouring into my mind- memories I didn't know I had. I feel terrified but also as if my eyes have been opened- but I can't work out what's next.

Sorry for length

OP posts:
SoleSorceress · 12/12/2013 11:09

Hi Pack

Has he contacted you?

DownstairsMixUp · 12/12/2013 11:16

you are doing so well OP, even if you think you aren't. Please try and go see the DV officer. How are you holding up at the moment?

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 12/12/2013 11:21

I haven't turned my phone on yet
I was meant to be at the station at 11 I can't go
I feel sick and shaky and he's going to be so so angry

OP posts:
Monbrow89 · 12/12/2013 11:27

But you don't need to fear or face him anymore. Your being unbelievably strong and you've come so far already.

LoisPuddingLane · 12/12/2013 11:31

Monbrow is right, you don't need to face him anymore. You've got a new lock on your front door so you never even have to answer the door to him. It might be worth, if you haven't already got one, getting a spyhole installed in the front door, so you can see who is out there. Or at the very least a chain on the door so that if it's.

He is going to be very angry, but you do not have to deal with his anger. Or explain yourself. Or engage with him in any way. I want you to be clear about this - ending the relationship means you have no further obligation to him. None.

LoisPuddingLane · 12/12/2013 11:32

"so that if it's him you can close the door" - that should have said!

livingzuid · 12/12/2013 11:35

pack so sorry about the panic attack. He can't hurt you any more. You never need to see him or talk to him again. His anger is irrelevant now to your life. Remember you have done/are doing nothing wrong.

I hope you manage to talk to someone in RL. The DV officer will understand if you feel the need to reschedule. I don't know about these things but can they come to a location you feel more secure about or can you give WA another call?

Don't be hard on yourself. You are doing so well. Try and see if there is something nice you can do such as have a coffee and slice of cake somewhere safe.

cafesociety · 12/12/2013 11:48

You need support today. Can you phone WA again for help, can a DV officer come to you?
Can you talk to your sister, or text her. Can you phone the Samaritans just to talk, or could you email them to offload how you are feeling? Keep posting on here. Can your colleague meet up with you? Don't be afraid to ask for some support. You need it, you deserve it.

You will be ok, the anxiety should ease as the days go by, if not go to the GP. Take small steps, get through the next hour, through the afternoon, through the evening. Distract yourself, treat yourself, don't forget to eat something, go for a long walk...and know there is always support here.

And that all think you have been so brave, strong and know how difficult this has been. You will come out ok, just take it steady, small steps.

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 12/12/2013 12:17

I just don't have strength to do it
I'm sorry I'm being so weak and stupid

OP posts:
FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 12/12/2013 12:20

You are not stupid and weak. You are moving mountains on little sleep and no food. No wonder you are feeling down.

Small steps. Have you stopped to eat, drink and rest?

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 12/12/2013 12:24

What can you do to make the next few days easier?

Would it be possible to take a couple of days off?

You are doing very well.

LoisPuddingLane · 12/12/2013 12:27

Also, you don't really have to do anything right now. Just make sure you are safe, warm, and that you've eaten something.

Do not, please, do not decide it was all a bit mistake and get sucked back in to the black hole of being with an abusive tit.

LoisPuddingLane · 12/12/2013 12:27

"big" mistake, obviously

cafesociety · 12/12/2013 12:32

Pack, you are tired, emotional, and still in shock, your feelings are understandable and normal. Even if you stay in and watch tv today and just use the internet, you are healing from the adrenaline rush of yesterday. You need to recover slowly, be very kind to yourself, get yourself back...gradually. And you will.

You need to nourish yourself, with some food, something warm to drink and someone to talk to. What you have done in offloading this abusive bully has been absolutely, completely the right thing to do, and no one is saying it was easy.

But you have to get some support, please do not hesitate to ask for it. Just make a phone call and reach out. It's what I had to do today - phone someone who I dropped over 2 years ago, stupidly - I had to ask her for help. She was there for me, I didn't expect it or deserve it. I feel better.

Try, if it doesn't bring results, try elsewhere, try somewhere else....never, ever give up. I have to go out now, someone else can give better advice I'm sure. I just know I've had a lot of emotional and verbal abuse/manipulation/control and just had to walk away from it.

paulapantsdown · 12/12/2013 12:42

Oh Packup - I have just read this entire thread and you are incredible! The Amazing Escaping Woman! I am in awe of your courage.

I have not much to add to the great advise you are getting here, but please know that you WILL survive this.

Stay strong x

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 12/12/2013 12:49

I spoke to the dv person she is going to meet me at my flat instead, and take a statement I think
She has warned me that it will be draining but I have kind of stopped panicking, and I'm ready to take this next small step.
Thank you all for your support.
AND.. I had tea and toast Smile

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 12/12/2013 12:50

Well done. :) Just keep walking forwards, one small step at a time.

cafesociety · 12/12/2013 12:59

Pack that is good news, and it will help you to go back to your flat and see that you can get your life back to 'normal' but without the deadweight dragging you down.

Please don't give up knowing you are on the way to a better life. The hardest path is often the best one. You have come through the last 24 hours, [and been amazing], you will get through the next 24, then the next 24......slowly but surely.

Have the times where you feel wobbly, worried...but just know it's part of the process of adjusting to major changes. Any moments you need support, come on MN, phone a helpline, meet up with a friend...

Life is a series of problems we have to solve, with good days, bad days, laughter, tears and things do change, and they do get better. Good luck today.

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 12/12/2013 13:28

I saw him on the way back. I have called the police

OP posts:
IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 12/12/2013 13:50

Hey Pack. I was working last night and so unable to post on your thread. Well done for getting through the night in the hotel and for texting him that it's over. That was a tough challenge but you met it.

Emotionally you will be up and down like a yo-yo for a while but no matter how weak you feel (you aren't weak btw) you need to stick to your guns and remember that the best option for you is to break free of this abusive and controlling "man".

When you saw him just now, did he see you? Either way you were wise to call the Police. Call whoever you need to help get through this, your safety and happiness are paramount. Good luck with the meeting with the DV officer.

LoisPuddingLane · 12/12/2013 14:20

I'm keeping everything crossed for you, Pack, which does make typing quite difficult :)

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 12/12/2013 15:03

I have given a statement to the officers
He was waiting near my flat and I walked from my car and saw him he was very aggressive, I don't know if I can go into details I've only just calmed down a little bit
But he stopped when I shouted and someone opened their front door, he ran but I called the police and they want to arrest him
The dv officer came with another policeman and she was very nice but I didn't speak to her about any of the stuff before today apart from the fact that he has Been violent and I have changed the locks she said I can go in and speak to her tomorrow or she will come to me to help me

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 12/12/2013 15:09

That's good. I'm really glad they are taking this seriously. Have a long distance hug.

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 12/12/2013 15:10

They want me to go to hospital but I really can't face it at all

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 12/12/2013 15:12

Are you hurt?