My relationship (long sorry)

[Packupyourtroubles]

Hi
I posted on chat about what I now know to be 'gaslighting' that my partner does. I was advised to start a thread in relationships.
Last night I was reading a thread and went to reply thinking 'how would I feel in this situation' then realised that actually I have been many times.

Since then it's like the floodgates have opened and I'm realising just how dysfunctional my relationship is.

I met my partner 6 years ago aged 17. He was my first love, etc.
when we first got together I was confident, sure of myself and my values, and knew what I would and would not stand for. Since then I feel I have lost every element of myself.

He is aggressive in words and actions. He has shaken me at times and once a few weeks ago slapped me. Most of the time he just punches objects- the dashboard in my car for example, so not hurting me.

He will always, after an argument say 'why did you make me say/do whatever'. I always end up apologising purely so I am not making him angry any more.

If there is something I don't like, for example he talks to lots of females, has stayed the night at their houses- he will say 'I don't have male friends, do you want me to have no friends'- and I will end up agreeing with him, or I make a point and he twists it so much I have no idea what I was trying to say in the first place.

He has cheated on me but I forgave him both times and he did seem to change his behaviour but now I'm realising he probably didn't.

He has sex with me knowing I don't want to, he is controlling and insists I see him every day and wants me to do sexual things I am not comfortable with. I have sort of given up saying no so I realise I am to blame for that.

I got pregnant a year ago and he insisted on me having an abortion. I wanted to keep the baby and know that before I was with him I would not have let anyone tell me what I could or could not do but I didn't question him.

Just for some background we don't live together as I look after my DNephew full time. I care for my partners mum but not full time. We have a joint account and loans but no mortgage etc.

There is probably more that I have left out. I am not sure what I am asking. I feel like I am to blame for a lot of this. I can't see a way out, I cannot imagine a life without him, and at the same time all I want is to be by myself. Since the first realisation last night it has all been pouring into my mind- memories I didn't know I had. I feel terrified but also as if my eyes have been opened- but I can't work out what's next.

Sorry for length

I am much calmer now
I'm in bed and lying down I am listening to the sounds from outside it is a big road and the cars are calming noises
I feel bad about what I am dojng to him but I know I need to look out for myself

And thank you all so much

And thank you all so much

Sleep is a great idea. And do keep posting for as long as it helps you, there is nearly always someone here to hold your hand.

Well done and get some well earned sleep

You haven't annoyed me either. Sounds nice and cosy where you are, glad tight chest is 'only panic'!! not asthma. Am guessing its toast for breakfast not supper then?xx

Yeah, you've done a really bad thing to the raping controlling boyfriend whose mother you care for better then him, whose loan you guarantee and pay off. You have deprived him of his punchbag. You have deprived him of his meal ticket.

I think you may have breached one of his fundamental human rights there!

I just wish he was somewhere thinking about the bad things he has done to you, but he won't be.

You just take care of you. Try to sleep. X

pack oh my goodness you are amazing. Look at what you have achieved in such a short space of time.

Echo what others have said about the loan, not important right now. Cold water is a great idea to not self harm, try to keep as distracted as possible. Just keep posting here, this serves as its own form of therapy.

Focus on all the police things you have done and all the lovely things that you would like to do but haven't yet. Don't worry about the man next door he doesn't know who you are or that you are there.

Please keep us updated if you can. None of this is your fault remember. You sound like a lovely strong woman and you will get through this.

This thread is YOURS

Yes, you will feel bad doesn't mean you should or that your feeling is bad or wrong you'll feel all sorts. Tell us :) x

Oops cross posted. Sleep is also excellent! But you can post as much and as long as you like. Not at all annoying. Sleep well :)

I am going to sleep because my mind is running at a million miles an hour and I need to stop thinking now, I am starting to panic again and I'm exhausted,
I have some of my sleeping tablets with me so I will take one of then.
Thank you for all your support everyone I know I keep saying it but I feel secure,
I am just thinking that 24 hours ago I saw no way out and here I am away from him.
Thank you, I will update you tomorrow x

Late to your thread Packup, but you have done an amazing job.

In terms of thinking of next practical steps I think you need to speak to the bank very urgently about how to go about severing all financial ties- perhaps also find out whether there's a way to get some kind of severance notice lodged with credit-checking agencies so he cannot take out any further loans linked to you? You do need professional advice about this.

Hope you get some sleep.

You are safe, love. The man is doing his own thing and isn't bothered about who is in the next room. Just put the tv on and use it for company a bit and distraction. Actually, I'm hoping you're asleep now - as I shall be soon

I am angry that he wouldn't let you go to the psychotherapist, but maybe you could get that reinstated some time? You're free to do whatever you like now.

Sleep well. Keep posting.

Don't feel bad about what you're doing to him. You haven't shaken him, destroyed his self confidence, eroded his self-esteem, isolated him from his friends and family, forced him to have an abortion, forced him to have sex against his will, required him to look after members of your family while he holds down a full time job, spent a third of his income, taken out loans knowing he'll repay them. You have nothing to feel bad about.

Night, night

goodnight sweet dreamsxx

Nice things not police things doh. I am off to sleep too. Hope you are sleeping now and get a good night's rest. Everything will be ok.

I hope you're sleeping, pack up. You must be exhausted. You are free to feel and say whatever you want to - this is your space. But I sincerely hope that your guilt doesn't last long. He's done much worse to you and he is responsible for him, not you.
Xx

Night night, you are doing so very well.

Morning, Packup. How did you sleep? How are you doing?

Morning, Hope you are ok this morning.? and that you had peaceful night.(toast yet!!)

Morning I am feeling very shaky today , I didn't sleep much but I am glad I came to the hotel. I'm not hungry but I've arranged to meet the dv officer, but it means I have to go back to my area, I am a bit worried but should be ok.
Thank you everyone x

OK when you go back, have your phone in hand. If you see him, get to a public place like a shop and ring the police. They will come and meet you there. You don't have to see him, listen to him, speak to him or anything x

I'm scared,
I look so shit as well I can't make my face look normal, I know it's small but I can't stop thinking about it

You are so brave. And doing the right thing. You can always keep posting here as well. Let us know how you get on.

I can't face going to talk to the dv officer, I will reschedule it
I need to calm down