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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My relationship (long sorry)

637 replies

Packupyourtroubles · 10/12/2013 19:15

Hi
I posted on chat about what I now know to be 'gaslighting' that my partner does. I was advised to start a thread in relationships.
Last night I was reading a thread and went to reply thinking 'how would I feel in this situation' then realised that actually I have been many times.

Since then it's like the floodgates have opened and I'm realising just how dysfunctional my relationship is.

I met my partner 6 years ago aged 17. He was my first love, etc.
when we first got together I was confident, sure of myself and my values, and knew what I would and would not stand for. Since then I feel I have lost every element of myself.

He is aggressive in words and actions. He has shaken me at times and once a few weeks ago slapped me. Most of the time he just punches objects- the dashboard in my car for example, so not hurting me.

He will always, after an argument say 'why did you make me say/do whatever'. I always end up apologising purely so I am not making him angry any more.

If there is something I don't like, for example he talks to lots of females, has stayed the night at their houses- he will say 'I don't have male friends, do you want me to have no friends'- and I will end up agreeing with him, or I make a point and he twists it so much I have no idea what I was trying to say in the first place.

He has cheated on me but I forgave him both times and he did seem to change his behaviour but now I'm realising he probably didn't.

He has sex with me knowing I don't want to, he is controlling and insists I see him every day and wants me to do sexual things I am not comfortable with. I have sort of given up saying no so I realise I am to blame for that.

I got pregnant a year ago and he insisted on me having an abortion. I wanted to keep the baby and know that before I was with him I would not have let anyone tell me what I could or could not do but I didn't question him.

Just for some background we don't live together as I look after my DNephew full time. I care for my partners mum but not full time. We have a joint account and loans but no mortgage etc.

There is probably more that I have left out. I am not sure what I am asking. I feel like I am to blame for a lot of this. I can't see a way out, I cannot imagine a life without him, and at the same time all I want is to be by myself. Since the first realisation last night it has all been pouring into my mind- memories I didn't know I had. I feel terrified but also as if my eyes have been opened- but I can't work out what's next.

Sorry for length

OP posts:
chaosagain · 11/12/2013 20:52

He has no reason to knock at all. I've stayed in hotels for years for work, sometimes 3 or 4 nights a week for a month at a time and no random other guest ever knocked on my door.

Well done on the admin. Do whatever you need to feel as ok as possible and that helps you rest.

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 11/12/2013 20:52

Cjel it is kind of mind numbing if you know what I mean? It is something I do every day and so is easy on my mind, it is calming me down x thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 11/12/2013 20:53

Thank you chaos It is just the voice being so close but I can also hear a woman's voice now so it feels a bit safer

OP posts:
cjel · 11/12/2013 20:55

Yes I do, I find I put the tv on and then read!! I get through a couple of hours an hadn't realised it. You sound so much better alreadyx

MerryFuckingChristmas · 11/12/2013 20:55

Never mind the loan money for now. A small price to pay in the big picture. You can get some advice on that in the New Year. Just look after no.1 for now.

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 11/12/2013 20:56

Yes I feel positive actually still a bit shaky and it all feels slightly unreal again but I feel better that I haven't had to be at his house again tonight

OP posts:
cjel · 11/12/2013 20:58

Right - now you say you feel a bit better, I'm going to put on my bossy mummy hat and be firmer about the fact you haven't eaten, What are you going to do about that????

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 11/12/2013 21:02

Haha that made me smile :)
I will maybe get some toast, I have never used room service though and not sure how although there is a book which would probably have stuff like that in there?
Thank you x

OP posts:
cjel · 11/12/2013 21:04

Yes usually, or I think you can just pick up the phone and they can put you through?

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 11/12/2013 21:06

Ok I will try it,
I am having stupid thoughts about self harm, I am going to run cold water onto my wrists it usually helps a little

Sorry I am finding it helps to write what I am thinkng and what to do next and then I can read back what I've written when I can't think straight, and feels like I have 'told' someone iyswim

OP posts:
cjel · 11/12/2013 21:08

I have books and books of journals, I used to spend hours writing everything down,what did room service say? Have you self harmed before?

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 11/12/2013 21:10

I have a diary atm but I am struggling to write properly in it fr some reason,
I will try room service in a bit at the moment I'm trying to calm down again, I have been self harming for about 12 years now but I'm trying to stop it, I was seeing a psychotherapist but I wasn't allowed to go to appointments

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 11/12/2013 21:10

I slept in a B&B one time and the only other guests was a party of blokes who had come for a fishing trip. Boozing and fishing. All night I could hear them snoring and farting, it was rank.

Men do make a lot of noise, and they probably don't even realise it.

Your ok, Pack, you're safe. And so far from pathetic - one day when you are a grandma you can tell your grandaughters about your big escape.

chaosagain · 11/12/2013 21:12

You are telling people, there's lots of us here. We're with you. I'm also in London and am beaming you thoughts of strength wherever you are.

The book will tell you about room service but you can also just ring and ask reception (usually dial 0).

Distracting yourself from self harm sounds good. Might a mantra help? Something positive and simple to say over and over to yourself? Something like 'This is the first day of being free' or 'I'm doing fine and soon I'll feel great'. It can be anything, but make sure it's positive. Say it out loud, even if it's just a whisper. Repeating it is really important. Keep repeating it.

You're doing amazingly and you are going to be more than alright, it will just take a little time. Keep breathing and think about what food you might be able to eat..

cjel · 11/12/2013 21:12

Is it the book that you can't write in or the fact that you couldn't write in anything at the moment? Do you have a safe way of self harming? (And I haven't forgotten your foodSmile)

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 11/12/2013 21:17

I think I am having an asthma attack, I can feel my chest tightening and I didn't bring my inhaler
I am going to go to reception if it doesn't get a bit better and see if they can help so if I stop posting I am still ok
Sorry and thank you so muc again

OP posts:
Tuhlulah · 11/12/2013 21:18

Hi Packup,

You have done so well. What a woman!

Call reception -it's usually 0- and ask to be put through to room service; then ask them what they can send you up. Eat, you'll feel better because an empty stomach won't help you.

The guy next door is just a guest in the hotel, no threat to you.

You are safe for tonight now. Relax. No forced sex, no being scared, no anger, no pandering, no being told that what you throughout/heard/said was different to how you really thought it was.

Will be not be scared when he reads text and sees you have contacted the police -would that not make him keep his distance. After all, we have established that he is a little cowardly bully who can't even cook food for himself or his mother. God help his next victim but you are free.

Dont worry about the loans. You were always going to pay them anyway. Don't worry about the money because however much he has had from you it was cheap at twice the price to get rid of the little prick. Worry about that after the NEw year, as someone else said.

Distract yourself from the self harming if you can. If the urge gets bad can you try the rubber band thing -putting the band tight on the wrist and twanging it? It's not nice but better than cutting?

Have a nice bath -did they give you toiletries? Long hot soak. Think about something nice you can do with DN over the Christmas holiday. About something you can buy him.

Or text your sister.

But don't feel pushed to do anything you don't want -you have come such a long way today. You saved your own life. You are entitled to have a rest. XXXX

TheHammaconda · 11/12/2013 21:19

Not stupid at all. Try contacting the loan company/ies and let them know that the relationship has ended and that you no longer want to act as guarantor. Ask them if they can help you out at all. Tell them that you will not guarantee any further funds on that loan.

They might be able to help. You won't know unless you ask.

LoisPuddingLane · 11/12/2013 21:19

Take care. The hotel should have details of out of hours doctors.

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 11/12/2013 21:23

Am going to try to sleep instead, as I thin it might be part of the panic attack, (I am so indecisive right now!)
Thank you all again
I hope I can keep posting in this thread, I don't want to be annoying to anyone x

OP posts:
chaosagain · 11/12/2013 21:24

Great that you have a plan to get help if you need it. Focus on breathing as calmly as you can and see how you're doing.

LoisPuddingLane · 11/12/2013 21:26

You aren't annoying anyone. We are all amazed at your courage.

Tuhlulah · 11/12/2013 21:27

It's your thread lovey, you post as often as you want. You have a secure fanbase now. 'Packup, the incredible escaping woman'.

Try to slow doen the breathing. If you think it's asthma, you can go to A and E. Do you have a paper bag to breath into slowly?

XXXXX

chaosagain · 11/12/2013 21:28

You're not being annoying to anyone. Rest sounds like a good plan, lovely, but keep posting if it helps you.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 11/12/2013 21:38

You are not remotely annoying