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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My relationship (long sorry)

637 replies

Packupyourtroubles · 10/12/2013 19:15

Hi
I posted on chat about what I now know to be 'gaslighting' that my partner does. I was advised to start a thread in relationships.
Last night I was reading a thread and went to reply thinking 'how would I feel in this situation' then realised that actually I have been many times.

Since then it's like the floodgates have opened and I'm realising just how dysfunctional my relationship is.

I met my partner 6 years ago aged 17. He was my first love, etc.
when we first got together I was confident, sure of myself and my values, and knew what I would and would not stand for. Since then I feel I have lost every element of myself.

He is aggressive in words and actions. He has shaken me at times and once a few weeks ago slapped me. Most of the time he just punches objects- the dashboard in my car for example, so not hurting me.

He will always, after an argument say 'why did you make me say/do whatever'. I always end up apologising purely so I am not making him angry any more.

If there is something I don't like, for example he talks to lots of females, has stayed the night at their houses- he will say 'I don't have male friends, do you want me to have no friends'- and I will end up agreeing with him, or I make a point and he twists it so much I have no idea what I was trying to say in the first place.

He has cheated on me but I forgave him both times and he did seem to change his behaviour but now I'm realising he probably didn't.

He has sex with me knowing I don't want to, he is controlling and insists I see him every day and wants me to do sexual things I am not comfortable with. I have sort of given up saying no so I realise I am to blame for that.

I got pregnant a year ago and he insisted on me having an abortion. I wanted to keep the baby and know that before I was with him I would not have let anyone tell me what I could or could not do but I didn't question him.

Just for some background we don't live together as I look after my DNephew full time. I care for my partners mum but not full time. We have a joint account and loans but no mortgage etc.

There is probably more that I have left out. I am not sure what I am asking. I feel like I am to blame for a lot of this. I can't see a way out, I cannot imagine a life without him, and at the same time all I want is to be by myself. Since the first realisation last night it has all been pouring into my mind- memories I didn't know I had. I feel terrified but also as if my eyes have been opened- but I can't work out what's next.

Sorry for length

OP posts:
smudgedgraffiti · 11/12/2013 20:10

Hi OP I don't usually post on the relationship threads as other posts are much better at giving advice than me. But I just wanted to come on and say you are being amazing, and strong, and very brave.

So let him get mad - you are safe, and he can not get into your flat.

Please try to eat something - get a chocolate bar, anything - and try to get some sleep tonight. Do one nice thing for yourself - a big hot bath, some tv, pop out and get a trashy magazine?

Then tomorrow morning start the first day of the rest of your life - you are free, and you can write down what you need to do next.

Continue deep breathing for now.

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 11/12/2013 20:22

I'm really scared to move or turn on the tv
There's a man in the next room
I don't know my breathing is better though
I feel so shaky and like I need someone to talk to so I can hear someone say it will b ok but I don't think I can face calling my sister
I don't know how to make it better but I have written down a list of why I am doing this and reading it when I get wobbly and it is helping the breathing I think

OP posts:
Matildathecat · 11/12/2013 20:23

Well done! What a long way you've come in one day.

Quick thought, have you transferred your money out of your joint account and called them to ensure no money can be removed from the account?

Also, just beware that he will now, in all probability turn on the tears then a charm offensive. Please, please anticipate this so you can mentally check this off as typical Abusive Shit behaviour. Of course hopefully you won't have further contact but just in case do keep this in mind.

Have a bath, a glass of wine and relax. Sleep well. Breathe.x

CookieLady · 11/12/2013 20:24

Well done. What you did takes courage.

On a different note, Op, do you have an iPhone? If so, check that you don't have find my iPhone app on it as he could locate you using that. Don't mean to scare you but better safe than sorry.

SoleSorceress · 11/12/2013 20:25

Lock the door, put the TV on, enjoy your room/space. Just breathe in and out deeply, listen to some music on Youtube.

Why are you scared of the man next door? x

cjel · 11/12/2013 20:25

Would it help to have the radio or TV on in the background so you don't hear the man next to you?
Get up and walk towards the tv -it will be ok.

TheVermiciousGrinch · 11/12/2013 20:26

You are doing brilliantly, really. Take it one day at a time. You are safe for now - I assume he has no way of knowing where you are? Try and get a good night's sleep, you will feel better in the morning.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 11/12/2013 20:28

Well done. You are in a safe place now. Do whatever may help you now: warm bath/TV, make sure you get some food, liquid or solid, watching some numb TV, check online for yoga/meditation video, make a list of what you'd like to do, etc.

Keep talking to RL people. Concentrate on people who help you, not bring you down.

Breathe in/breathe out.

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 11/12/2013 20:29

I have an iPhone but my personal phone is off at the moment and he doesn't have the work phone number even though it is an iPhone but it doesn't have that app
He moved the money out of the joint account when I put it in there on 29th of November so I don't have it anymore anyway, I won't put any more in there and I will close it if I can . The man is loud it is scaring me a bit but I have locked the door
The man has no reason to come and knock does he ?

OP posts:
chaosagain · 11/12/2013 20:30

Try not to worry about anyone next door, he'll probably never see you and he probably isn't paying any attention to who is next door.

Breathe deep and slow. Count to 4 as you breathe out, then 4 while you breathe in. Keep doing just the breathing and counting. When you can, make it 5 or 6, always the same for the out and in breath. Think about nothing else but making your breathing as slow as possible.

Try and have a hot sweet drink (hot chocolate or tea) and then try something to eat later. You are doing so well to have come this far..

Keep posting. There's lots of us with you in spirit tonight.

TheHammaconda · 11/12/2013 20:32

Packup, well done. You've done brilliantly.

Google 'progressive muscle relaxation'. It helps me calm down when I'm tense.

You have done so, so well. Be proud of yourself.

cjel · 11/12/2013 20:34

You are not in danger from anyone where you are. There is noone who is coming to harm you You are safe.
The fear is a trick of your mind, it is not the reality.
Have you spoken to anyone in RL yet?

TheHammaconda · 11/12/2013 20:37

Just one thing to add. Do you have the details for the loans? Can you let them know that you are no longer liable for payments?

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 11/12/2013 20:37

I tried to call my sister she sent my ca to busy I'm not going to try again
I am breathing a lot better now thank you for the tips
I want to be able to hear what's happening so I don't want to put any sound on I have made tea
Sorry I am being so pathetic

OP posts:
Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 11/12/2013 20:39

I looked at the loan agreement and I (really really stupidly) signed as the guarantor, so I am liable for future payments (if he doesn't make them, which he won't and hasn't been)
I know how stupid I am for doing that

OP posts:
SoleSorceress · 11/12/2013 20:40

You are not being pathetic I guess you see all men as a threat. Totally normal and IT WILL pass x

cjel · 11/12/2013 20:42

There is no way you are pathetic, You are amazing!!!Flowers from me hereSmile. Well done for the tea. Have a biscuit dunked in it!!!! put something on quietly in the background. You will still be able to hear whats going on and the distraction will be good for you.

Send your sister a txt and she will get it when she ready. It'll be your first step to letting them all know how brave you arexxx

SoleSorceress · 11/12/2013 20:42

Not stupid, paying back the loan is the better than paying with your soul to be with a 'man' that treats you like you are nothing

something2say · 11/12/2013 20:43

Why not put the Telly on with the sound off? And just sit there wrapped up in bed and write stuff down about what he did, stories you have, things that bothered you. You will eventually get tired.

I don't like the sound of that man at all. Can you ring reception and ask someone to speak to him? Don't answer the door at all tho. If it gets worse ask to be moved to a new room.

But just also, you have done so well. It will all be ok I promise. What will happen now is that one day will stretch onto the next and you will get a new version of normal. You will go out more, have more money, more friends and more fun. Spring will come and then summer. You will look back on this one day. You have so done the right thing, the only thing. Men like that are bad news. How dare he? But don't expect to be over it quickly. It is so important to find a way of processing it, mainly thro getting it out there and thinking it all through. X not yet tho, for now just get through the night x we are here x I am not far away from you x

chaosagain · 11/12/2013 20:44

Your door is locked, you are safe. You might find that listening to all the sounds around you is feeding your fear. Perhaps try the telly on low, you can turn it off again if you don't find it a helpful distraction.

You 're not pathetic at all. You've been brave and decisive today, you've done huge things. You must be exhausted.

Did you think any more about talking to your colleague?

cjel · 11/12/2013 20:47

Something - The man next door is just loud!!! He is not a danger at all< Probably just that the walls are not soundproofed. Its common in hotels!!

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 11/12/2013 20:48

I don't know if I was clear sorry I didn't mean to be a drama queen I got a bit scared when I realised it was a man next door he hasn't done anything I was just worried in case he knocked or something.
I don't think I can talk to my colleague , I just want to forget this happened I know that's probably a bit unrealistic though.
Sorry about my typing I am not seeing very straight atm. I am in bed doing some work admin to calm me down a bit as it is normal, everyday stuff.

OP posts:
NettleTea · 11/12/2013 20:49

try to talk to the loan company - explain what has happened. SOMETIMES they are really nice. OR later, CAB sometimes can intervene on things like this. dont pay any company to do this though, you are bright enough to sort it yourself.
and a HUGE well done...
second texting your sister.
also now is time to draw up your 'Break Up Bingo' chart in bright neon colours, ready to tick off all his abusive tactics - it distracts and makes a mockery of what he will try to do, and stops you listening properly and being drawn back in.....

cjel · 11/12/2013 20:51

thats good to hear that you are able to do work. Its sounding as though with tea and work you are really doing well for your such a short start to your new life.xxx

Original poster
Packupyourtroubles · 11/12/2013 20:51

Nettle I think I will google that again and make the chart ., I kind of hope he won't talk to me but I know that he will try at least

OP posts: