Please forgive me if some of this is irrelvant, and not very clear, My head is mashed at the moment.
When DH I met he was living at home and I had my house. MIL is Toxic and quite quickly DH moved in with me and went NC. That was 10 years ago. Whilst he has never talked to MIL since she has done all sorts to us (well me) I´ve been spat at in the street, had hate mail, she tired to get DD at nursery there is just to much tell about that. About 2 years ago, DP and I had a big row and he said that we couldn´t break up as it would give MIL exactly what she wants. He has said this after ever other row since. It feels sometimes that the only reason he is with me is to prove MIL wrong.
DH and I run a business from home kind of like a hotel. Except he´s not done anything with the business for 6 months or more. I´m the one that deals with clients, arrivals, food, etc.etc.etc. to the point that some clients have started asking where DH is. Its a 7 days a week job and I start at 5am and most days I´m still replying to emails when DH is tucked up in bed.
2 years ago on my birthday DH said he had had enough and that was it, it was over. I talked him into staying and I feel like I have kind of made my own bed. I am so miserable its unbelievable, I can´t actually remember the last time I felt happy.
When DD was born DH was just horrid, totally horrible both to me and her. No point in going into it, but he says I have been punishing him ever since. I really don´t think I have, but I just don´t know anymore I have no idea if what I think it real or what he says is real.
Dh got given an xbox about 2 years ago, and since basically every time I go up to the house even for a cup of coffee he is on the xbox playing and talking to people on his head set. I sit in silence most of the time, he barely acknowleges my exisistence. I have had to get cross with him a few times because he will sit and play on that rather than even talk to DD in the evening. Its like he can´t even be bothered with her.
about 18months ago, he got very cross with DD, he yelled at her so badly, she was terrified, then when I tried to get between him and her, he pushed me out of the way and picked DD and ran upstairs (I have a spinal condition so walking is difficult stairs are very difficult), I did managed to get between him and DD in the end and managed to get DD out of the house to my parents. But when I came back he didn´t see that he´d done anything wrong, he said he didn´t push me and I´m sure he did, I told him he had to promise me it would never happen again, and he said no one could make that promise. DD was terrified.
DD hates DH doing her bed time stories, she is such a good girl for me but she kicks and screams and crys every time I have to go to work and leave DH to do her stories she always had since she was about 2. I don´t know what to think about that, becuase DH says that she´s fine once I go and I know the DD is not perfect, but it just seems wrong to me.
DD is 5 and he has never not once got up in the night with her. DD is a pleasure but she has very bad asthama (like me) so some nights I can be up all night, but its DH that tells me he´s tired. He says he just doesn´t hear DD.
I work all day and still have to cook, and wash and clean. I´ve lost ocunt of the number of times I have almost begged for help. Bless DD she puts her dirty clothes into washing baskets and bowls into the kitchen. DH never does.
The first thing on DD christmas list this year was an alarm clock, because she dosen´t like daddy waking her up. Can someone please tell me if that is normal, becuase I don´t know anymore?
He talks to me like shit sometimes, but he says its only becuase I talk to him like something on the soul of my shoe. I feel like I´m going crazy sometimes becuase I always put him first.
I´ve not slept in out bed for months, maybe 10 times since april, I just can´t bring myself to go to bed. I´m exhuasted and not sleeping anyway. This last week I´ve had raging broncitus but I´m still working becuase there is no one else to do it. I´ve lost a load of weight and people keep telling me a look great but I feel like I´m invisble.
About 3 weeks ago Dh and I had a fight we were in the UK for work and i just told him I´d drop him off with friends if that was how he felt. So i did, I droped him picked up my cases and drove away. But he called the next day and we talked and he said it would be different. Now here I am, and he keep telling me that he´s making a real effort and I jsut can´t see it.
Oh we don´t have sex and haven´t for a long time, and thats my fault apparently. I just don´t feel like it, I haven´t for years.
I have no friends, and no one to talk to and I don´t even know what I would say anyway. Everyone keeps telling me how lucky I am.
I´m sure there is more, but I can´t think straight. I feel like I´m cracking down the middle and I can´t stop it. I´m so tired, I feel hollow, But I don´t know if thats normal anymore.
Can someone help me please, because I don´t know what Im thinking anymore.