Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does anyone want to help me work out how I feel?

57 replies

christmasnamechange · 10/12/2013 07:59

Ok, so I´ve name changed I hope!

DH and I have been together 10 years, and we have 1 DD, been married for less than a year.

I don´t know how I feel at the moment, and if what I am feeling is reasonable and fair or if everyone feels like this if they are in this situation. There is a lot of back story but I am not sure what is relevent.

I´m just so miserable and tired and I don´t know what to do.

OP posts:
christmasnamechange · 10/12/2013 08:21

I´ve got to go out for a bit, when Im back I think it might just write everything down adn see if it helps me work out what i want.

I am so unhappy right now I can´t think clearly.

OP posts:
sanityawol · 10/12/2013 08:22

There are many others on MN that will offer better advice and support than me, but didn't want you to go unanswered until they find thread.

The back story would help - and getting it out may help you too.

As for the feeling miserable and tired, how old is DD? Is there a particular issue at home or work? Does your DH do his share?

sanityawol · 10/12/2013 08:24

x-posts.

Thanks could see the unhappiness in your OP

christmasnamechange · 10/12/2013 08:29

DD is 5 going 15! She´s a joy.

Dh says he does more than his share, but it seems like I´m always running and he´s always sitting down. I´ve been up since 5 and he´s still in bed. I bearly sleep, haven´t for months.

I´ve got to go and do some shopping, as I have nothing in the house to eat, when I come back I´ll write eveything down.

Thanks, you´ve made me cry just by posting thats wired isn´t it?

OP posts:
christmasnamechange · 10/12/2013 12:16

Please forgive me if some of this is irrelvant, and not very clear, My head is mashed at the moment.

When DH I met he was living at home and I had my house. MIL is Toxic and quite quickly DH moved in with me and went NC. That was 10 years ago. Whilst he has never talked to MIL since she has done all sorts to us (well me) I´ve been spat at in the street, had hate mail, she tired to get DD at nursery there is just to much tell about that. About 2 years ago, DP and I had a big row and he said that we couldn´t break up as it would give MIL exactly what she wants. He has said this after ever other row since. It feels sometimes that the only reason he is with me is to prove MIL wrong.

DH and I run a business from home kind of like a hotel. Except he´s not done anything with the business for 6 months or more. I´m the one that deals with clients, arrivals, food, etc.etc.etc. to the point that some clients have started asking where DH is. Its a 7 days a week job and I start at 5am and most days I´m still replying to emails when DH is tucked up in bed.

2 years ago on my birthday DH said he had had enough and that was it, it was over. I talked him into staying and I feel like I have kind of made my own bed. I am so miserable its unbelievable, I can´t actually remember the last time I felt happy.

When DD was born DH was just horrid, totally horrible both to me and her. No point in going into it, but he says I have been punishing him ever since. I really don´t think I have, but I just don´t know anymore I have no idea if what I think it real or what he says is real.

Dh got given an xbox about 2 years ago, and since basically every time I go up to the house even for a cup of coffee he is on the xbox playing and talking to people on his head set. I sit in silence most of the time, he barely acknowleges my exisistence. I have had to get cross with him a few times because he will sit and play on that rather than even talk to DD in the evening. Its like he can´t even be bothered with her.

about 18months ago, he got very cross with DD, he yelled at her so badly, she was terrified, then when I tried to get between him and her, he pushed me out of the way and picked DD and ran upstairs (I have a spinal condition so walking is difficult stairs are very difficult), I did managed to get between him and DD in the end and managed to get DD out of the house to my parents. But when I came back he didn´t see that he´d done anything wrong, he said he didn´t push me and I´m sure he did, I told him he had to promise me it would never happen again, and he said no one could make that promise. DD was terrified.

DD hates DH doing her bed time stories, she is such a good girl for me but she kicks and screams and crys every time I have to go to work and leave DH to do her stories she always had since she was about 2. I don´t know what to think about that, becuase DH says that she´s fine once I go and I know the DD is not perfect, but it just seems wrong to me.

DD is 5 and he has never not once got up in the night with her. DD is a pleasure but she has very bad asthama (like me) so some nights I can be up all night, but its DH that tells me he´s tired. He says he just doesn´t hear DD.

I work all day and still have to cook, and wash and clean. I´ve lost ocunt of the number of times I have almost begged for help. Bless DD she puts her dirty clothes into washing baskets and bowls into the kitchen. DH never does.

The first thing on DD christmas list this year was an alarm clock, because she dosen´t like daddy waking her up. Can someone please tell me if that is normal, becuase I don´t know anymore?

He talks to me like shit sometimes, but he says its only becuase I talk to him like something on the soul of my shoe. I feel like I´m going crazy sometimes becuase I always put him first.

I´ve not slept in out bed for months, maybe 10 times since april, I just can´t bring myself to go to bed. I´m exhuasted and not sleeping anyway. This last week I´ve had raging broncitus but I´m still working becuase there is no one else to do it. I´ve lost a load of weight and people keep telling me a look great but I feel like I´m invisble.

About 3 weeks ago Dh and I had a fight we were in the UK for work and i just told him I´d drop him off with friends if that was how he felt. So i did, I droped him picked up my cases and drove away. But he called the next day and we talked and he said it would be different. Now here I am, and he keep telling me that he´s making a real effort and I jsut can´t see it.

Oh we don´t have sex and haven´t for a long time, and thats my fault apparently. I just don´t feel like it, I haven´t for years.

I have no friends, and no one to talk to and I don´t even know what I would say anyway. Everyone keeps telling me how lucky I am.

I´m sure there is more, but I can´t think straight. I feel like I´m cracking down the middle and I can´t stop it. I´m so tired, I feel hollow, But I don´t know if thats normal anymore.

Can someone help me please, because I don´t know what Im thinking anymore.

OP posts:
christmasnamechange · 10/12/2013 12:23

OH, I got drunk back in september, Now I´m 32 and I have never been drunk before, I bearly drink I don´t know what I was thinking but I just started on Gin and Tonic one night and didn´t stop. It felt so good for a while to not feel anything. He´s been horrid about it ever since. Dispite the fact that I´ve always looked after him if he´s got drunk and I have never rubbed anyones face in the fact that they have got drunk. I´ve told him to stop it, but he says it funny becuase I was all high horse about alcahol (I´m not, I´ve just never been a big drinker)

I still got up the next morning and went to work, and cooked my own breakfast. I probably shouldn´t have had that much to drink and I don´t know why I did.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 10/12/2013 12:29

So you're a slave to a man who doesn't pull his weight, treats you like shit, and terrifies your daughter, what's in this for you?

sanityawol · 10/12/2013 12:38

Oh OP that sounds miserable. People say you are lucky because they don't know the reality of your situation.

It sounds like you're not in the UK, so I don't know what sort of support you have access to. I'd be suggesting Women's Aid and CAB for signposting to support, maybe some sort of counselling or Relate (for you, not as a couple) so that you have somewhere you can talk if friends or family are not an option.

My only experience is that I stayed in my first marriage too long. He was also a gamer, interested in DD while she would stay put on his lap while he played... no longer bothered once he had to talk to / watch her. For me, admitting to the outside world that everything was shit was the hardest part. Leaving and being a single parent was far easier than trying to live with an abusive, uncooperative, manipulative, lazy lying cheat. (There was quite a lot to it).

Others will be along with far better advice than I could ever give.

AnUnearthlyChild · 10/12/2013 12:39

He is being a twat

You sound utterly miserable

50shadesofmeh · 10/12/2013 12:48

So you have a back condition and single handedly run a business that requires you to work constantly from 5am and also parent a 5 year old and live with a husband who pays more attention to his x box.
It makes me want to weep reading this, you sound utterly miserable and rightly so, sounds like you would be happier without him.

christmasnamechange · 10/12/2013 13:03

I don't know what I feel to be honest. I have no idea anymore if this is normal or not?

Dd seems happy she's thriving at school and everything,

I just don't know what to do I feel like everything I do is wrong

I'm not easy to live with, I probably should make more of an effort to put nice clothes on, but I jus can't face it. Every time I do something nice or go somewhere nice it gets ruined anyway.

It like trying to think my way through mud I just can't do it.

OP posts:
sanityawol · 10/12/2013 13:35

This is not normal.

DD may appear happy at school, but she is picking up the atmosphere at home.

You sound exhausted OP. You are single handedly running a business, looking after your DD and a home with a hinderance rather than a help.

We can all be difficult to live with, but the situation you describe is much bigger than you making an effort with nice clothes.

You aren't sleeping, and I've no doubt that the stress of this will be making other health issues worse. And your H is not helping you at all.

Perhaps talking to your doctor would help. I am not suggesting in any way that this is down to you, but you really do need some outside support.

It is bloody hard running a business with your partner, especially one that involves such long days (been there, done that with now DH). However, your H seems to be working against you rather than with you.

And as for MIL, if she is that toxic then it really doesn't matter what she thinks, she'll twist the situation to suit herself.

Please try and find yourself some RL support - I've seen it said on other threads, but do you really want your DD to grow up seeing how you are treated and thinking that this is 'right'?

christmasnamechange · 10/12/2013 13:44

I don´t wnat dd to grow up thinking that this is normal.

I want dd to grow up thinking that relationships should be about team work. And I don´t think DH and I have been a team for a long time.

I think I want to ask him to leave, for a bit anyway because its impossible to think when he´s here all the time. I never get even a few seconds to myself to think. BUT I think if I ask him to leave that will be it.

Got clients here. Got to go for a bit

OP posts:
WhatHo · 10/12/2013 13:53

To answer your question, no, this is not normal.

You say DD is happy… but she's living with a man who she can't even bear to let him put her to bed. She's clearly not that happy.

So: you won't miss him, she clearly won't miss him, it doesn't sound like he's happy either…….

In the nicest possible way, this is a no-brainer. This relationship is dead and you need to put it out of its misery. I'd put money on the fact you will ALL be happier if you separate.

He might even be a better father if he's not relying on you to do absolutely everything.

christmasnamechange · 10/12/2013 14:00

Whatho thats the thing I think he is miserable, but when you ask him and I have asked aLOT, I get told his fine and happy and wants to be here.

After the row recently I told him that if he is happy he needs to start acting like it.

The problem is if we seperated even for a time he would have to go back to the UK, and would probably move back in with his mother and then I would have the fight of my life to keep dd safe. I just don´t know what to do. Most of the time, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.

I don´t think I take being this unhappy for much longer but I am worried to death about DD being unhappy, and I just want to turn the clock back and never let it get this bad in the first place. I am sure we used to be happy but I can´t for the life of me remember when.

OP posts:
sanityawol · 10/12/2013 14:09

If that was 'it' would it be such a bad thing?

You're already doing everything by yourself. Your life would be easier if you weren't also trying to keep him happy.

I went through this around 10 years ago, and without MN as somewhere for support or to vent. My biggest fear was what 'everyone' would think as I didn't have a 'reason' to leave. And actually, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, and as it turns out I had lots of very good reasons (as do you). The problem is that when this is your day to day life you can't see this for yourself.

Take care of yourself and your DD.

Twinklestein · 10/12/2013 14:13

Why would you have such a fight to keep your daughter safe if your husband went back to the UK?

christmasnamechange · 10/12/2013 14:14

My biggest fear was what 'everyone' would think as I didn't have a 'reason' to leave I feel like this!

Oh why is my head such a mess

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 10/12/2013 14:14

Currently you're running this business on your own, it would be a lot easier without his dead weight and insults.

Twinklestein · 10/12/2013 14:16

You've got ample reason to leave OP! I don't know how you've stood it for so long. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, they don't know the reality.

christmasnamechange · 10/12/2013 14:18

Well Im not 100% I would but his mother is very toxic, he´s been nc for 10 years with her, but I suspect she would soon work her way back into his life if he went back the UK. She is toxic bloody nightmare and I suspect would "help" dh get fair visitation with DD (which i would never prevent) but I do think DD needs to be kept safe, 5 is too young in my opinion to be flown back the uk (a country she has never seen) to a place she has never known on her own. I´m not sure legally over here what would happen with visitation. Maybe thats something I need to look into first, before I make a decision?

I went out today and got myself a post box, I´ve hidden all evidence of this (I´m not even sure why I did it in the first place) But atleast now I have it I can get letters etc. without DH knowing.

I don´t know why, he´s never been violent (kicked a door once during a row) but I there something in the back of my head saying that this is not going to the easy option.
I can´t think straight

OP posts:
christmasnamechange · 10/12/2013 14:23

Sorry I didn´t make that very clear did I? MIL is emotionally very toxic shes Narcasistic and probably a bit more. to be honest.

Money wise I would be ok, it would be tight, but there would just be me and DD, I might have to pay someone to help out but I think I could managed mostly. Worse case DD would have to catch the bus to school. Shopping etc would be a nightmare (someone has to be on site, but I think I could find someone to help in the interim at least whilst I got things in place)

I really don´t know if asking him to leave is the right thing. I have no confidence left in any decsion I make or myself right now. its such a mess

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 10/12/2013 14:33

You need to speak to a family lawyer. I know nothing about it, but I'd be very surprised if a 5 year old would be expected to visit another country. I would imagine there's every chance he'd have to come to visit her. He could of course stay in your country after the split, but he sounds highly dependent and I'm sure you're right that he would go home.

From all that you've said here, I've no doubt asking him to leave is the right decision, however, you need to build courage and confidence to feel able to make that choice.

christmasnamechange · 10/12/2013 14:41

There is one lawyer i could speak to, but not till the new year. She is very good and I am sure would tell me the truth etc. It would be mid jan before I could speak to her though.

He´s have to go back there is no work here.

I just need some space to breath, maybe then I can make the right decision.

Is there anything I else I need to find out about do you know?

OP posts:
sanityawol · 10/12/2013 14:41

OP - without outing yourself, can you give a hint of where in the world you are and nationality?

EU or non-EU? Would visas be involved. I am completely useless on this front, but there may be others on MN who can help. If you wanted to keep it separate from this thread you could try the 'Living Overseas' or Legal sections of MN.

Would he HAVE to go back to UK or would it be a choice?