Does anyone want to help me work out how I feel?

[christmasnamechange]

Ok, so I´ve name changed I hope!

DH and I have been together 10 years, and we have 1 DD, been married for less than a year.

I don´t know how I feel at the moment, and if what I am feeling is reasonable and fair or if everyone feels like this if they are in this situation. There is a lot of back story but I am not sure what is relevent.

I´m just so miserable and tired and I don´t know what to do.

Im in the Eu, not too far from a british overseas terratory thats been the news a bit of late.

Theres no work here, I think he would go back to the UK, infact I´m pretty sure he would.

Legally I think I´m ok in terms of DD and being a single mother but I would need to find out exactly what would happen first.

Sorry for all the clock and danger stuff, DH knows my normal users names and is NOT a MN fan, infact he hates me coming on here. So I am being ultra careful. As I know he has acced my MN account before.

I could manage ok, with just me and DD. I´ve been managing ok for about 5 years any way. I just can´t decide if I am being totally unrealistic about what a relationship should be. iyswim

Not like this, that's for sure.

Of course he hates MN, because he knows people would tell you the truth about how he is. Same as to why he is fine/happy why wouldn't he be, you would be if you had some waiting on you hand and foot and doing your job why you sat on your backside all day doing what you liked.

What would happen if you just loked after your dd and yourself and did no cooking/cleaning or washing for him.

I don't think you would know realistic if you fell over it to be honest.
He has you so conditioned it's quite unbelievable.
He sounds awful and you mention he once kicked a door - what about the time he pushed you!? Not acceptable on any level I'm afraid!
This is NOT normal.
You can't even think clearly.
Some of things you have written have me thinking you might be depressed.
Could you visit your GP?
I also have no doubt that if you are depressed he is the main cause of it all!
Your 'D'H is a total cocklodger!
If I were you I'd kick him out sooner rather than later.
So what if he has to go back to his mum. Let her deal with it all.
You just don't need it at all.
Your DD doesn't even like him. Doesn't want him to wake her or put her to bed. NOT GOOD - NOT GOOD AT ALL!
Get rid and do it soon, for your own sanity!

Hells I don´t think I am depressed more I feel helpless. I´ve been depressed in the past, and I know what it feels like. But I don´t know I could be, I have no idea what I feel at the moment. Its almost like I don´t feel anything any more.

I don´t know if he did push me, I think he did. But he is so confident that he jsut put his hand out to stop me getting closer that I don´t know.

This is what his mother is like, she tells you the sky is blue you look up to check. But its so confusing, I don´t know what true anymore. I think one thing, but he tells me another and I don´t know if I am losing my mind.

I did try not doing anything for him for a while, or cleaning up after him a few years ago (actually before DD was born) I ended up living in a house that was like the end of the world rubbish everwhere.

I know I would be able to think clearly if he was gone even for a bit. Its like my head is full of junk when he´s here. Does anyone understand what I mean?

If I asked him to leave evne for a bit, he would have nothing and I don´t have anything spare to give him in terms of money etc. I could pay for him to fly back to the UK but thats about it.

I don´t how I got into this mess, and I really can´t see anyway out of it at the moment.

I used to be full of confidence and these days I don´t even know where I´ve gone. I have no confidence in myself anymore. I don´t know whats wrong with me, I feel like I live on my nerves.

christmasnamechange - a good friend of mine has just been through this, albeit in Germany (I get the impression you are in a country beginning with S), but they certainly didn't expect her three children under 6 to be ferried back and forth between Germany and the UK. If you think about it logically it's obvious really. Your DD has no links to the UK other than her father and that will most certainly be taken into consideration.

My friend was the primary earner in the relationship so she does have to pay for her slacker dickhead of a DH to fly out for visits. Oh and for what's it worth he threatened to 'take her kids away' and go for full custody before he realised, hang on, he'd actually have to look after the children… then he asked for enough money to pay for a day and night nanny. All of this was just to frighten and upset her, it was all utter, utter BS and the courts laughed in his face.

Anyway, you are getting ahead of yourself worrying about the toxic MIL swooping in and grabbing your DD. Ask him to leave and go from there.

I don´t think I take being this unhappy for much longer but I am worried to death about DD being unhappy - can I just remind you again that his presence is not what is making her happy? You and her school friends are.

Explain to us what happiness he brings when you and him are so miserable and he never engages with her?

If I asked him to leave evne for a bit, he would have nothing and I don´t have anything spare to give him in terms of money etc. I could pay for him to fly back to the UK but thats about it.

He's a British citizen I take it? Then he's entitled to benefits even if he's not in the country. He's not going to starve in the street. You've just got into the habit of thinking you have to be responsible for him.

Well he can be a lot of fun with dd but its always on his terms. He can do things with her that I can struggle with like putting he on his shoulders, or running about with her but its always on his terms and he flip on a dime. Just as a point my 5 year old is in 11 year old clothes be sues she is so tall and I do have a spinal injury which means its very difficult to throw her up over my head. But I do do it sometimes. Not even sure why I'm telling you that

He can be great fun but its never guaranteed what sort of mood he's going to be in. He's very self cantered and to be honest I think he treats me like a live in baby sitter some of the time. Don't miss understand I love speeding time with dd, and I never think of it as baby sitting her. But sometimes I've had to take her to work with me because he won't engage with her to even watch her. She often in the kitchen with me whilst I'm trying to cook and do a million other things at once becuase he's on the bloody xbox again

I'm not sure if he would get any benefites as he's never paid any national insurance contributions.o

Yes I do feel responsible for him. I often feel like his mother

Yes I do live in that country begining with S

Some studies of how childhood affects adults point out that inconsistency is the worst thing. Children who knew their dad was always going to cuff them round the ear had better life results than those who never knew if they were going to get a cuff or a loving word. This is why the children of alcoholics have such difficulties - they never knew whether they would get a decent mum when they got home from school or an abusive nightmare. It's having to flip between the two states that causes dissonance in a child's emotional health.

My point being, if she never knows whether she's going to get fun daddy or 'my xbox is more important than you' daddy, it's quite stressful for her.

Not sure about benefits if he's not contributed but I'd think he'd get some anyway - what about all those people who've been on benefits all their lives?

But sometimes I've had to take her to work with me because he won't engage with her to even watch her. Words fail me.

You've taken the first step to getting out by posting here. I know that you feel in a mess, but from your posts it seems as though your thoughts are a bit more ordered.

Living in this situation will have wrecked your confidence and make you question yourself. If he is gaslighting (it appears he may do this) you'll also question your sanity as he tells a completely different version of events to the one you recall.

As you're within the EU there are no barriers to visiting DD even if he returns home. It is unreasonable to expect a child to trek across Europe to go to him. For what it's worth, I know that I didn't have the complication of living in different countries, but I can share experience of contact between exH and DD over the years after he chose to move several hundred miles away. I'll only post this if you want it though as it's a bit long winded.

Given what you've just posted, I think that you may be able to worry less about keeping DD safe from being taken to the UK.

He would have to care for her full time then, which would be a massive inconvenience to his way of life.

I think what you are talking about re your state of mind when he is there is called spaghetti head mess.

You need space to get some clarity

Spaghetti yes that's what it feels like, just a mass of notts and lose ends and everything is in a tangle. I think it's helping write it all down and you all telling me it's not normal to feel like this. For a first time in a long time to dont feel alone.

I've lied sometimes just to be able to have a cup of coffee and ten whole minutes to tr and clear my head. I have mn and a set up an email address a while ago that he doesn't know about just so I've got some space if my own. I have one friend from years ago that I got back in touch with a few months ago. He's just a friend (he's old enough to be my father) but I know dh would hate me having a friend so I've kept it a secret.

Sanityawol i would like to know if you don't mind telling me.

Part of me thinks he will try for a while and then just give up, he doesn't like to put anyone else first.

I'm supposed to be happy in my 30s and I feel like I'm in my 60s I'm just so tired.

I know dh would hate me having a friend
SERIOUSLY!!!!?????
This sounds like abuse to me.
Isolating you.
Re-writing history all the time.
Look up EA water torture (I think that's what it's called?)
You need him out.
You know you do. It's just getting the plan in place to do it.
Send him home. He will be fine.
And if he wants to see DD he gets a flight - not her!

Maybe hate me having a friend was the wrong word he would just make it difficult, he'd sulk and be unpleasant if I was talking or going out with a friend. He has couple of fiends I get on with very well, but I'm not supposed to spend anytime with them out. It's started to be noticed by them too, it's just easier to not have any friends I can't go out anyway as I'm always working. I can't have friends round here as I'm working, and I'm made to feel like crap if I spend anytime with a friend or talking UK a friend etc.

The thing is he's just not abusive at all. I think it's more a problem I have than him being abusive. I think it's probably all my fault.

He is abusive. My exH was abusive although it wasn't until I found MN three years ago that I came to realise that.

Abuse doesn't have to be violence or shouting and screaming at you. It can be far more subtle, but achieve the same aim of controlling you, isolating you from your friends and family, 'breaking your will'. This could be through sulking, and this was a technique that my exH used. In the end I didn't speak to anyone, go anywhere or do anything other than work because it was easier not to.

I'll post about his contact with DD in a minute.

It is possible to pick yourself up and have a normal relationship after this. Last night I had to go to a late meeting. When I got home at 8pm DH had fed both DC, got DS to bed, had done dishwasher and had cooked tea for us which was waiting in oven. These are usually 'my jobs' because I only work part-time. I didn't ask him to do this, didn't have to leave instructions, and most importantly DH didn't expect some sort of award for doing this. He's not perfect and neither am I, but for the most part we work together for the benefit of the family.

This is not a problem you have caused or created.

It certainly sounds like an abusive relationship.

Also, I have never known a five year old want an alarm clock for Christmas because she doesn't like Daddy waking her up. This would, pardon the pun, set off alarm bells. I'm not suggesting he's being inappropriate with her, but how scared is she of him that she would rather ask for an alarm clock for Christmas than be woken by him?

Fucking hell OP, your situation sounds hellish.

You keep asking if it's normal and - as many posters have told you - the answer is no, it's not. But even if it was normal, even if everyone else did put up with this kind of situation, the fact is that you are very very unhappy, so it's not right for you, and IMO that is enough. People split for an awful lot less! I know you've asked your DP if he's happy and he always says yes and that he wants to stay, but frankly I think he says that because staying is much, much easier for him than going. He doesn't sound happy either, so it would be best for all concerned if you split and he left.

Sanity I'm so pleased that you've found a good man now! You dp sounds lovely

Does anyone know I'd what sort of signs dd may show if anything inappropriate had been going on?

I think maybe I need to make a plan, to ask him to leave for a bit. Could someone help me because I'm not thinking very clearly at the moment?

Thanks ladies I'm feeling slightly less like I'm going crazy, honestly thought you'd all tell me to get a grip and that this what everyone else's relationship was like

As promised... we finally split when DD was 4yo. When he left the family home he was more concerned about who was getting the TV and laptop. I don't remember him asking about contact with DD once.

initially he would take DD out every other Sunday from 10am to 4pm, although he wasn't always reliable and I had several occasions when I had to deal with an upset DD because he had not turned up. I learnt to not tell DD he was coming until he actually turned up. He started to complain about the cost of petrol to come and see DD (when living locally) which grated more than a bit as I received no child maintenance from him.

He then suddenly moved several hundred miles away. He didn't bother to stay in regular contact, didn't call DD and came to see her no more than 3 times in two years. He hasn't seen her since 2007. There was a two year period when he didn't call or text DD despite me getting her a mobile so that he didn't have to go through me.

Now, he calls her every Sunday. DD is now 12, and is more often than not 'too busy' to speak to him. I have deliberately never bad-mouthed him to her. She has formed her own opinion and he has done this to himself. I can say with a clear conscience that I have always facilitated contact, and put DD first in that respect.

Not sure if this is useful but I hope that it helps.

I would say key signs that something inappropriate going on are to be found on this thread:

1. about 18months ago, he got very cross with DD, he yelled at her so badly, she was terrified, then when I tried to get between him and her, he pushed me out of the way and picked DD and ran upstairs (I have a spinal condition so walking is difficult stairs are very difficult), I did managed to get between him and DD in the end and managed to get DD out of the house to my parents. But when I came back he didn´t see that he´d done anything wrong.... I told him he had to promise me it would never happen again, and he said no one could make that promise. DD was terrified.

2. DD hates DH doing her bed time stories, she is such a good girl for me but she kicks and screams and crys every time I have to go to work and leave DH to do her stories she always had since she was about 2.

3. The first thing on DD christmas list this year was an alarm clock, because she dosen´t like daddy waking her up.

This is not remotely normal: he yelled at her to the point that she was terrified and you had to get her out of the house to protect her. She kicks, screams and cries when you leave her with him, and she has such a strong aversion/fear of him she wants an alarm clock to avoid him in the morning. This is not ok.

Don't get me wrong OP, there are some days when I could cheerfully throttle him

Seriously, I am very lucky. I met him after I had been alone for some time and I was sworn off men. I was quite happy single and didn't 'need' a partner. If it had been just me and DD for a lot longer then that would have been absolutely fine.

Others will have better advice than me when it comes to the practical side of getting him to leave.

Am I the only person who wonders why the OP's child is terrified?

I would NEVER leave him alone with her again.

Why do you have to wait so long to see a lawyer? See another one. Seriously, you cannot wait until January.

OP, this is so far beyond normal that I am completely horrified that you and your daughter are putting up with this man. Why is he still there? You do all the work. Your daughter clearly is terrified of him. He's a horrible, horrible man from a really awful family.

Here's a test for you. Say to your daughter, "I'm going to tell Daddy that he should go and live in England with his mum. I don't like him here and I want it to be just us two."

I'll bet my house she cries with relief.

little kids can be over dramatic about things, but you said two things about your daughters feelings about her partner that gave me the creeps a bit, both involving things that take place in her bedroom (stories, being woken up). maybe she is just frightened because hes an aggressive wanker and her room is her haven away from that, but dont assume that.

obviously your priority is getting him out but once you have done that id strongly recommend you had some kind of therapy with your daughter to help her verbalise her feelings and fears and work out whether anything has happened; hopefully you can do this prior to any access visits which i have to say i would be very concerned about in your shoes.

little kids can be over dramatic about things, but you said two things about your daughters feelings about her partner that gave me the creeps a bit, both involving things that take place in her bedroom (stories, being woken up). maybe she is just frightened because hes an aggressive wanker and her room is her haven away from that, but dont assume that.

obviously your priority is getting him out but once you have done that id strongly recommend you had some kind of therapy with your daughter to help her verbalise her feelings and fears and work out whether anything has happened; hopefully you can do this prior to any access visits which i have to say i would be very concerned about in your shoes.