Does anyone want to help me work out how I feel?

[christmasnamechange]

Ok, so I´ve name changed I hope!

DH and I have been together 10 years, and we have 1 DD, been married for less than a year.

I don´t know how I feel at the moment, and if what I am feeling is reasonable and fair or if everyone feels like this if they are in this situation. There is a lot of back story but I am not sure what is relevent.

I´m just so miserable and tired and I don´t know what to do.

ImperialBlether: Am I the only person who wonders why the OP's child is terrified?

Absolutely not, that was rather my point at 19.40.

What the OP does know is bad enough. In her situation I would fear the worst when she is gone, and work from that basis.

I have posted about h and dd in the past several times actually and all I got was that I was causing the problems, that they needed to bond, that dd was acting up. Etc

I try very hard to never leave dd and h alone, and yes the thought has gone through my head what if something else has gone on.

The country I live in is very catholic and everything is starting to close down for Christmas, it will reopen after epiphany. They are 5 lawyers in my nearest town but only one I would trust. Most of the lawyers here don't deal with child custody etc. The one I want to speak to does. It's not like the uk here there is not the same level of services available to women trying to leave a partner.

It just such a bloody mess.

Imperial I brought it up too.

Trust your instincts on this one OP. It could just be drama (and as the mum of a 4 year old I know the drama can be huge) or she is really very frightened and you need to look at what the hell is going on.

Either way your New Year's resolution needs to be to speak to the lawyer you trust and get him out of your life asap.

I am not a Leave The Bastard type but I can't see that this relationship is salvageable in any way at all, and I cannot see why you would want to save it. So, Leave The Bastard. Or better: kick him out right now.

2014 can be YOUR year.

I can't answer for why you got a different response previously, I cannot imagine a way in which you could tell your story where it wasn't clear that your husband was the problem.

I understand that you don't think of your husband as abusive and you believe that everything is your fault, but the isolation enforced on you, the bullying after DD was born, the intimidation and terrifying of your daughter, the talking to you 'like shit', the fact that you are not free to post on here, that you have to lie to sit down for 10 mins, your anxiety and confusion around this man, the 'not knowing what's true anymore' - these are all key elements of abusive relationships. You've lost touch with normal relationships to the point that you have to ask if a child being terrified of her father is 'normal'? No it really isn't and it's a huge sign that there is something seriously wrong here.

I know what catholic countries are like at Christmas, so I can see you may have to wait until the new year to get on with the legal side. What would you like to do in the mean time? How can we help you?

I don´t know what I want to do in the mean time, its be so long since I even thought about what I want.

I have to keep to DD safe. I tend to doze on the couch for a bit every night so there is no way DH could get to her overnight without me hearing. Christmas I am so busy with work that my parents come up each day to help, so my mum is normally in the house with DD during the day anyway.

I need to see a lawyer but that will be after new year.

What else do I need to do? I just don´t know can someone tell me?

I´m in a right mess today

As Twinklestein says, you have been so conditioned into thinking that this is a normal relationship the realisation that his behaviour is abusive may be hard to process.

I am not in any way minimising, but DD not wanting to be around him and appearing to be scared could be as simple as not wanting to be away from you. His lack of interest and unpredictable moods will mean that she has no idea what 'type' of dad she will be getting from one day to the next. You are consistent with her and she is secure with that. I must stress though that I have no real knowledge of how to tell whether there is something more sinister, and I'm sure that other posters will be able to advise you on how to help DD feel safe in speaking to you. I seem to recall seeing something about the types of secrets it is OK to keep?

As you can't see a lawyer for a while yet, you need to be very aware of keeping yourself and DD safe, especially as he becomes aware of your plans. Remember to clear your internet history or use the 'private window' option that some internet browsers have. Don't forget that although you might not be able to access the services, you can still use some of the information that is on Women's Aid or NSPCC websites.

From a quick google, I believe that the country you are in may have an branch of the UK's Samaritans. I know that it might be difficult for you to be able to find time to make a call, but they are there for anyone experiencing distress. They might be able to put you in touch with other sources of support.

Please could other posters correct me if I've got anything wrong?

It sounds like your daughter will be well looked after over Christmas.
I would spend the time gathering together all the paperwork you'll need for the split, photocopy important documents etc. I don't know how your bank accounts are organised, but obviously you need a separate one if you don't have one already.