Feeling insecure and insane

[CuttedUpPear]

I have a BF of 6yrs standing. We live in separate houses due to DCs, work, him wanting it that way, etc.

I am finding it increasingly hard to go to his house, where he lives with his brother and two other friends, all in their late 40's/ early 50's. I get anxiety attacks and don't want to talk to anyone there except for BF, which makes me look rude. In fact I am shrivelling up inside with fear/embarrassment.

I want us to have a home together. This was on the cards (sort of) but my feelings have got so bad that I got out of bed, got dressed and walked out of his house last week. We argued and now BF wants us to have a break.

I feel like I am losing it. I don't know if I am feeling insane because of the situation (lack of privacy etc) or if I'm just having a time of mental instability anyway and my relationship is in the firing line.

For most of my life I've been gregarious and sociable. Now I just want to curl up and die.
I tried to change my name for this but couldn't work out how. People will come on and flame me because I've asked about this relationship before and I'm still here.

Your relationship is making you ill, im really sorry but i think its tme to call him on this - give him an ultimatum. He should want to spend time on his own with you, not with all these other people around. He wants to have a break to control you and have you dancing to his tune. Tell him to do one, he doesn't deserve you.

Let him live there with his cronies while you find someone worthy of your affection

Sounds pretty unpleasant for you. Is he young? Can you spend more time at yours?

I must say that BF does want to spend time on his own with me, but we both having demanding jobs with erratic hours and he has DCs abroad who he tries to see as much as he can.
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All these things mean there is hardly any time. He does try to make space for us in the house but I feel like I'm being treated with kid gloves.

He's 50, I'm 48.

How often does he come to yours?

With such complex calls on your time, I understand how difficult it can be to have proper time together. What do you mean, you are being treated with kid gloves, though?

Kid gloves as if I'm a troublesome guest who might blow off. BF has got fed up of trying to find me privacy in the house.

He came to mine 3 weeks ago and before that it was 6 weeks. I work in his town a lot so it's normal for me to go there more.

Hell I miss him. Am having real cold turkey tonight. I emailed him some positive thoughts and an apology but am stopping myself calling.

Do you have these panic attacks elsewhere or just in his house?

Elsewhere as well as at the house. I've never had them before.

Am old gimmer in new relationship with long-term friend. We live about 10 miles away from each other, neither works but we are fairly busy. We see each other a couple of times a week, evening to morning, at each others roughly equally. The only way we'd see more of each other would be to live together, but neither of us wants that. All DCs are grown, so not a problem as such, but of course seeing them also takes time up.

Is that kind of set-up what your BF wants? and you don't want? (We too have more privacy at mine, he has lodgers)

I have to ask, have you given them reason to think you might 'blow off'?

did you ask why doesn't he want to live together? You feel so insecure and anxious because you question his feelings and lack of commitment (whether you realise this or not). After 6 yrs of no commitment it's no surorise that you are distressed - fgs you only spend time as the two of you once in 6 weeks! it's not a normal close r-ship, I'm not surprised that you feel less important to him than his brothers/friends. I'm sorry OP, really think he's quite cruel, if he knows what you want of course.

Are you having treatment? Cognitive behaviour therapy is usually indicated for this. Talk to your GP properly about it and he an refer you to a psychologist.

In any case, I'm sure he could go to yours for privacy, for example you could drive together to your place.

Regardless, it makes sense for you to have your own place together. You've been together 6 years and it is normal to want to have something more permanent. Maybe these feelings are causing the anxiety?

Why doesn't he want a place together after 6 years?

Sorry, you obv mean your panic attacks by 'blow off'. beagles has it right, I think. I imagine you must feel a bit like an added extra in his life, rather than part of its core.

Beagles you do have it right. You have summed up my feelings.
I am thinking about therapy and cognitive behavioural might be good - I don't know much about it though, does it help with strategies?

OP, I just really feel for you and am with the BF.

CBT generally helps to recognise your thought patterns/habits that stop you from moving on or achieving what you want, and yes often used for panic attacks although many go for hypnosis-type therapy if it's very severe. It sounds like you've lost your strength and confidence - it may help to find out why and possibly reverse it. It's not a quick process though!

Tbh you really want to distance yourself and have a break from him, maybe even split up for good. It's not good having a partner who makes you feel powerless and 'begging'. You don't say how valuable this r-ship is to you, or genrally how important not to be single. Again, if you can't face being single, CBT may help by lookign at yourself in a different way.
I think you should go and try or discuss with GP if they aer good regarding the type of therapy you need.

I'd advise to try meditation too, as you ar too focused on him - it's also not that quick to learn, but maybe worth a try.

sorry, that sentence before the last one should have a few punctuation marks! (I meant if the GP is any good)

Beagles that's helpful. In fact I've been awake since 3.30am worrying about all this.

The relationship is important to me. And I do fear being alone.
We have been through a lot, including BF having a serious cancer in the early days of our relationship.

I do really need some coping strategies. I am a natural worrier and the last 2 years, since DB established a home away from me (he had half moved in with me previously) have been very trying for me.
I get very lonely.

He doesn't want to live with me at present because my house is in the wrong area for him and he wants to wait until my DS is independent (he's 16 now).

I'm having difficulty coping. BF won't speak to me. I've emailed him a positive letter but no reply apart from he still wants a break and is thinking seriously about whether we should continue.

I have drunk some alcohol to get me off to sleep. I feel fucking awful. Unwanted and alone.
How do I get through this, what is the point of life?

CuttedUp you need some time being just you, if you ask me. It can sometimes feel scarey and lonely, it can sometimes feel empowered and contented.

I don't know how to get through this. I think I pretty much know that he doesn't want me any more. I can't face it.

The same old answer: one day at a time. Eat, drink, sleep. Just get through tonight, with some horizontal rest in bed.

sending warmest wishes

I woke up in such a panic about an hour ago. I still feel totally anxious. I have tried to read but it's no good. In afraid to say I emailed the BF as well. I feel like a stalker but that is crazy considering that we have been together for years.

Op, when anxiety is so acute, you need a short term medication (sorry but can't remember if you already take something on a permanent basis). A GP can give you a 2-weeks worth of tablets just to help with sleep and make you a bit detached, just to take that edge off. But after two weeks you need counselling and also I'd advise physical exercise - go for long walks in fresh air somewhere nice, or the gym classes, or try yoga for beginners. You urgently need to take your focus somewhere else. Let go of him, no point chasing him at all.
If it's any consolation, yo uaer not alone - many women do feel lonely post-divorce (some get a shock divorce after 10+yrs living with their H!), or if they can't meet a suitable partner for a r-ship. Of course it's hard, but as TheSparkly says, it has good point like finding yourself and contented feelings about yourself once you settle. If you are desperated to be around people generally, then maybe volunteer - ot help friends? Is any hobby you enjoy doing? Are you spending the holidays with relatives?

Maybe you and he endured more in the first couple of years than many couples do over many years. You were his rock and saw him through a crisis. Since then the relationship is has been increasingly on his terms and now it's incredibly frustrating because he can't or won't see that you need more. That doesn't mean you are flakey or unreasonable. As an outsider it seems to me almost cowardly his unwillingness to compromise or adjust.

Perhaps on top of the stress of this situation any past difficulty in earlier relationships will rear its head again. Circumstances may be different but you feel powerless or, crudely, in a fight or flight scenario and the panic kicks in.

Apologies if I am completely off target, take care.

Reading is quite hard to focus on when you are tired - right now maybe best to watch some light hearted TV. Tomorrow also get some herbs from Boots or whatever - valerian etc, it does help to relax and sleep (unless you do decide to go to the GP for some anti-anxiety meds short term).