Feeling insecure and insane

[CuttedUpPear]

I have a BF of 6yrs standing. We live in separate houses due to DCs, work, him wanting it that way, etc.

I am finding it increasingly hard to go to his house, where he lives with his brother and two other friends, all in their late 40's/ early 50's. I get anxiety attacks and don't want to talk to anyone there except for BF, which makes me look rude. In fact I am shrivelling up inside with fear/embarrassment.

I want us to have a home together. This was on the cards (sort of) but my feelings have got so bad that I got out of bed, got dressed and walked out of his house last week. We argued and now BF wants us to have a break.

I feel like I am losing it. I don't know if I am feeling insane because of the situation (lack of privacy etc) or if I'm just having a time of mental instability anyway and my relationship is in the firing line.

For most of my life I've been gregarious and sociable. Now I just want to curl up and die.
I tried to change my name for this but couldn't work out how. People will come on and flame me because I've asked about this relationship before and I'm still here.

JaceyBee I'm really interested in your comment: Depression is largely existential rather than purely about neurotransmitter imbalances. If someone is depressed, often it is a normal, healthy response to crappy life situations

I have always thought that the way I'm feeling wasn't depression because it was due to my problems with relationships. To be honest I have had suicidal thoughts for a long time. It has seemed like the only solution for me. My little secret fantasy to placate myself when all seems too much.

You might like to know that I only have a small amount of sleeping tablets and my doctor wants to see me next week. Unfortunately I can't see the counselor til Tuesday.

I feel awful today. I woke up in anxiety. I did manage to get 6hrs sleep last night (without meds). I am on the edge of collapse/crying. I'm going for a dog walk with DS in a minute, I am worried I can't keep it together in front of him. I have taken a beta blocker. I took one yesterday but couldn't take another as I had to go to work.

I'm really sorry you're struggling so much, do you have someone who can come and be with you, a friend or family member? I think it's great you've booked a counselling session and are valuing yourself enough to do this for yourself. I think it will be a hugely positive step for you.

I do believe that the way we feel is linked to our relationships, both past and present. That is why therapy can be so helpful, it helps us to learn healthier ways of relating to others and to ourselves.

Please take care of yourself, and please call the Samaritans if you feel desperate over the weekend 08457 90 90 90
Thinking of you xx

Cutted you helped me with my rl a lot,a long time ago now, thankyou I ditched him and am now much happier! Its not you it's him! I think codependants anonymous is a great group to attend, it changed me and I haven't been depressed since.
I hope you get some resolution and peace.

Hello, had a busy day but back home now.

Just after my last post I emailed BF to ask how long he planned on not speaking to me. He replied by saying that because he is very busy with his family over xmas and New Year he still wanted us to have space from each other. But that in January he wants to take me away somewhere nice for a few days to talk.

Well you could have knocked me over with a feather. My first reaction was relief and I was pleased. But also am not so impressed with the distance being kept effectively for a month, and that over xmas too. I haven't replied yet.

However this small mercy, no matter how tenuous it may be, has stopped me from feeling down all day. I feel a bit guilty that I am clutching at this straw; because I have been so unhappy in the relationship before, I feel that maybe I should go cold turkey and get out now.

Felt did I really help you? What did I do? Anyway codependants anonymous sounds interesting, I've never heard of it.

Oh, Cutted - I never post on relationship threads and I'm very reluctant to gatecrash into an established discussion. But I don't usually, genuinely continue to worry about a poster for days afterwards, wondering if I really have no practical help to offer and concocting elaborate plans for rescue.... (If I could rescue myself the world would be a very different place )

If you could only read what you have written from the outside.

You may both have your reasons for the way things are - but after six years you are still considered extraneous to his "family" life? He has forewarned you that you will be virtually ignored over Christmas - but that's ok because he'll give you a treat afterwards?

So much of what you have written here seems horribly familiar to me; that awful sense of clinging on to something that really isn't there. The "more important" family; the "more important friends"; the "more important job"... It's no wonder you're ill, you're constantly being shown that you matter far less than everyone and everything else.

Cutted there are 7 billion people on this planet. At least half of them, given the opportunity, would treat you better than this.

Your dp should put you first, last and always.

Find someone who will treat you well. Even if that person is you, for a little while. You don't need this nonsense.

It's Christmas, for God's sake. He should want to spend it with you, but instead he expects you to stay away until he clicks his fingers in the New Year?

I'd tell him to take a long walk off a short pier and spend his present money on nice things for the most important person in my life - myself.

The cheeky sod.

I've just read the rest of the thread and must add that I agree with Jacey's assertion that often the feelings of anxiety and depression are to do with a person's life situation and not because there is something 'wrong' with them.

That was me. I was depressed, I had anxiety, I was a hypochondriac, I was on beta blockers...except I wasn't.

I was in a controlling, EA relationship with an emotionally distant fool of a man who made my life worse every day. For years I couldn't see the wood for the trees, and it took years of therapy for me to understand what was going on.

I marvel at how different I feel today. I was with that man for twenty years and I don't miss him one tiny bit. He left and the sun came out.

Just do it.

Sorry, but I wouldn't read too much into the whole "taking you away somewhere nice in the new year to talk" thing.

If he was planning a nice outcome I'm sure he wouldn't string you along for what, a month? I think he's stalling to end it :(

Please do not clutch on to the tiny pathetic crumbs this nasty selfish man is throwing your way.

You wouldn't treat a dog the way he is treating you.
End it with him, he is no good for you, and you will go on from strength to strength.

Thank you for your kind and wise responses.
I still haven't replied yet.

I'm not sure if I have said so upthread, but for quite a long time I have been feeling that I wanted to call a break on the relationship myself. The day when BF did it, we had argued and I asked him if that was what he wanted. I think that if he hadn't done it, I would have done (I would like to think I would have anyway - the words have been on the tip of my tongue for ages).

I wanted a break to see how my feelings about him were objectively, and to see if he missed our relationship and wanted to come back to it after some time and discussion. But I was too cowardly to do so. And when he called the break it sent me into a dark spiral - an amplification of my anxiety.

So this break is not entirely unwanted. I wonder if I had posted here "I have decided to call a break with BF for a month while I think about my feelings about him, this encompasses xmas but I'm actually relieved not to be patronised by his DM on xmas day" - whether people would have responded with approval for my actions.

Not that I am rejecting the sound words you are all posting here and I very much appreciate everybody's kindness and concern.

"I have decided to call a break with BF for a month while I think about my feelings about him, this encompasses xmas but I'm actually relieved not to be patronised by his DM on xmas day"

This in itself, no. You ask for time alone to think things through and that's fine. He would have the option to agree or to say no and end it. It's the whole "I'll take you somewhere nice" that I don't like. He's been keeping you at arm's length but is also dangling a carrot in front of you.

I think you should take the lead and say "No thanks, I don't need a month of worry about what you're going to say so I'm putting an end to it now".

Sorry, I made it sound like I wouldn't agree with what you said. If you did post that line I out in bold then yes, I would agree that would be an ok thing to say.

I think the somewhere nice thing is not entirely negative.
Because we have separate households (and neither of us want to live in the other's) there isn't a good neutral place for us to be for nay length of time.
Whenever we have gone away together on our own it has been the best time for us. We have used times like this to mend fences before and come back with positive feelings.

Cutted I am in a similar position to you with a man who has his DPs and adult DCs living with him and I have my DS. But we are close and loving and work through the lack of privacy. One day we will set up home. You are with someone who is not emotionally available and keeping you at arms length. You deserve better!

Oh and I second everything JaceyB said. And I am a GP. She talks good sense!

I concur with the others here, rather than suggest a break which smacks of tidy CuttedUpPear away someplace else so he can get on and enjoy Christmas, your partner could have urged you to come over or - hold onto your hat - make the trip over to your place.

I get what you mean about an occasional trip away if not for pure romance then to recharge batteries, get peace + quiet etc perhaps but to mend fences sounds like it's an ongoing struggle.

Do you ever get the nagging sensation you're not reacting as he expects you to? Like your timing's off or your not quite following the script? You shouldn't feel like that. I think you should ad-lib, follow your gut.

Aww thanks KouignAmann!

You must be one of the switched on GPS! seriously, you guys do an incredibly tough job and I totally understand the pressure to just write a script rather than make a referral, especially when the client is asking for it!

Actually I often tell my patients to come on MN and read up about their problems. I have learned so much here from so many wise people. I include you among them.

But back to OP. It sounds as though your head is saying "This man is not good for me" and knows to end the relationship would be in your interests. But the pain of doing that is stopping you. I liken it to having a rotten painful tooth pulled out. You know it will hurt to go through it but afterwards you can heal and recover and life will be better.

Why not take this chance he is offering you to part with him and make your life how you want it? There will be someone out there for you who will shares you life as you wish. But not until you are whole and ready. Fear of being alone is no reason to stay in this twilight zone. Can you do it?

Thanks KouignAmann I appreciate your words, but I don't know. I just don't know.

Long term doubt, uncertainty, and perhaps worst of all, unfulfilled hope can erode your sense of self and reality. You've had six years of it, and that is enough - I had it for decades, please do not risk that.

I thought I would come back and update here.
I have seen BF briefly and he has emailed. Basically he does seem to want us to be together and one part of him would just rush into it.

Now that I know that, things are on a more even level. My counsellor believes that I am in a parent/child relationship with him (with BF being the teenager and not taking responsibility for the relationship or the results of his actions).

Anyway I'm starting to feel like I am needing the break and I'm really thinking about things. BF suggested that I come over a few nights ago but I declined as I felt that it was too soon and we hadn't time to talk about things properly.

This was major progression for me!
Anyway I'm not taking any meds at the moment but have them on hand. And will see my counsellor for the third time after Xmas.

Some progress....

Other people will put this better than I can - but surely it was spectacularly tactless to ask you to "come over" to a place that he already knows makes you extremely unhappy.

I agree you need to take plenty of time to think hard. And re-read this thread.