Feeling insecure and insane

[CuttedUpPear]

I have a BF of 6yrs standing. We live in separate houses due to DCs, work, him wanting it that way, etc.

I am finding it increasingly hard to go to his house, where he lives with his brother and two other friends, all in their late 40's/ early 50's. I get anxiety attacks and don't want to talk to anyone there except for BF, which makes me look rude. In fact I am shrivelling up inside with fear/embarrassment.

I want us to have a home together. This was on the cards (sort of) but my feelings have got so bad that I got out of bed, got dressed and walked out of his house last week. We argued and now BF wants us to have a break.

I feel like I am losing it. I don't know if I am feeling insane because of the situation (lack of privacy etc) or if I'm just having a time of mental instability anyway and my relationship is in the firing line.

For most of my life I've been gregarious and sociable. Now I just want to curl up and die.
I tried to change my name for this but couldn't work out how. People will come on and flame me because I've asked about this relationship before and I'm still here.

and please don't feel guilty about your e-mails to BF, it really is NOT unreasonable to be worried and upset when someone turns your bac on you after years of thining you may have a future together. I bet he feels guilty about his lack of commitment, if he's a decent person. If he's not a good person (and I think he is cruel or just cold-hearted tbh), then you have found out and best to be free of him. If a friend was in this situation, I'm sure you'd feel compassion towards them - not think they are a stalker! so be as kind to yourself.
If your DS is 16 you may be still relatively young, so you can still find a partner once you recover (and you will).

Donkey your post was very accurate. The bit about BF being cowardly hit the spot. I do feel that way and I get angry at him. So I seem like a bitch.

Beagles thank you. I am feeling lost and confused. After years of BF making out that we had a future together, to have that door slammed in my face is shocking and hurtful.

In the email I sent last night I told him that I was shocked at his refusal to speak to me at all.
I took the step of asking him if there was someone else. I didn't really suspect this but thought it best to clear up the possibility.

He did reply this morning to say there wasn't. He says he wants time to think about how he feels about me.
This turns my stomach as I feel that I am under scrutiny. I try to be a good person but I fail so often.

I am going to the GP this morning to ask for medication.

Thanks also for your advice about exercise etc. I am trying to get out with the dog once a day.

I don't want to go into situations where there are lots of people. This brings on my anxiety.
I work in the entertainment industry and I am managing as long as I keep my head down and have plenty to do.

Tonight I have to work with one of the members of BFs household. Difficult. I am going to try to summon up my courage and speak to him about my anxiety to clear the air. I can't review the thread as I'm on my phone but I may or may not have said that BF told me his housemates think I am rude to them.

This is what BF said in his email this morning.
I know I seem like a needy idiot but could I ask you if it is a good case for giving me hope?

I just want some space and time to work out what I really feel about you. I really don't want to rush anything. I really don't want to put you through any unnecessary stress but genuinely think some distance for a bit might give us chance to get a real strong objective view of where we are and where we might go

I haven't read your other threads but wanted to post my support. It sounds to me as though the best thing would be to detach and focus on you for the time being. Much easier said than done I know.

Reply to this latest message from him with 'ok.'. Nothing more. Then everytime you want to email him it text or whatever put your phone down and make tea. Or have a bath. Or take the dog out. Or come back to this thread. Anything! Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing what's going on in your head.

Hope your appointment with the GP goes well and you get some medication. High anxiety is awful and it's not a nice place to be. This situation with your BF is not helping and he must know that. He's being cruel by dangling carrots.

You are stronger than this.

Thank you. At the doctors now, will probably have to wait an hour.
It is hard not to collapse in tears but that would be awful to do it in the waiting room.

Deep breaths.

(And this might sound really silly but have you thought of downloading a couple of games to your phone to keep your mind occupied? Sometimes something like Boggle or a Logo quiz can help pass the time.)

I have brought a notebook so I can scribble down all ny thoughts/worries. Rather than emailing or texting them to BF.

BF lives with these people, they are his friends and relatives, and he must know you have anxiety problems. Surely he has spoken to them and explained that you do not mean to appear rude but genuinely have a lot of difficulty speaking to them, so he would be personally obliged if they would cut you some slack? And then if they were decent people they'd have a bit of sympathy instead of judging. Telling you that they think you're rude is incredibly unhelpful. I'd say counter-productive, but it depends what he intended it to produce...

Annie I get what you are saying. But I didn't use to have these problems. I think they have been caused by me feeling sidelined by DB's set up. Massive waves of insecurity come over me when I'm there (and other places as well).

It doesn't seem likely that he would explain my anxiety to them as for him it's part of my rejecting his lifestyle, if that's the right word.

Cutted, he says he doesn't want to rush anything - but you've been seeing him for SIX years. I feel like his whole email is a load of bollocks designed to keep you hanging on and hoping. All this has done is pushed you back to arms length again so that you are grateful for any contact from him - when actually, after 6 years, you should be looking at a hell of a lot more commitment from him full stop.

It seems that he is quite happy with life as it it, and quite content to see you whenever he has a free evening or no plans, or needs his ego stroking. Most men that are in love and WANT a relationship will actively want to spend more time with that person, will miss them living somewhere separate and will WANT to see them as much as possible. After 6 years they would WANT to live together. The fact that he doesn't is screaming out to me that you are his ego stroker etc for whenever he has an itch that needs scratching but that he doesn't want more commitment. To keep you from seeing this and from wanting more from him he has detached completely so that you become panicked and anxious and scared to lose him and then will be oh so grateful if he deigns to agree to seeing you again.

You need to step back, get the anxiety under control and see what's going on here. Come on, wouldn't you rather be alone for a bit, get well again, and then one day meet someone who cherishes every minute with you? Who wants to build a life with you? Not someone who mucks you around, expects you to stay over in a house full of people who clearly have no understanding of privacy and boundaries. He's treating you badly, he isn't going to change and YOU DO deserve more than this.

I would say ask the GP for therapy before relying on meds as it's preferable long term to be able to manage difficult feelings without them. Panic is totally harmless and every time you avoid a situation because of it you make it worse in the long term.

Why wouldn't he explain your anxiety?

I did my ex's to family and relatives.

It feels more like he likes to create the bad atmosphere. And it's odd that you'd feel anxious about people that you have actually known a long time. Are you sure it's not him creating the anxiety?

Anyway, I'd probably be replying to him that I agree with space between us, and not reply to any other e-mail, text or phone call.

He does not want commitment at all. He's still living with housemates after 6 years, FGS!
I think you are convenient to him. Sorry.

Given how old he is, his living arrangement would not be uncommon for a 20 or 30 something but the privacy issue is relevant. Are his brother and housemates in relationships with others? Nothing wrong with the arrangement just thinking it sounds like you might feel outnumbered or mildly intimidated.

Just posted this on another thread but feel it's relevant here too x

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound so harsh! I'm a counsellor and it just makes me sad to see so many women taking psychoactive drugs with horrendous side effects and long term health implications just to chemically cosh themselves into putting up with terrible relationships in which they are treated like crap by someone who clearly has no respect for them.

I think your p is treating you terribly and you should ask him to go. Of course this friendship is taking the piss! Sorry you're going through this and feeling so down x

I'm not saying he was wrong to take into account how your DS might react to him moving in, far from it, but it must have come as a blow when he was "half moved in" to distancing himself.

I hope you get on okay at the doctor's.

The doctor gave me some sleeping tablets, beta blockers and has given me the number of a counsellor recommended by their practice. I will have to pay for the counselling though. The NHS one would have meant a long wait.
The meds are just to get me through this week.

I'm at work now and in the verge of tears all the time. I can't take a beta blocker now - I took one earlier and it really span me out.

CuttedUp youreally do sound just that

I really recohnise the feelingsyou are describing with regards to not knowing how to go on, to be alone.

I'm not sure what else I can add except to say you're not alone xx

Back2Two - why not? I think therapy is preferable to relying on ADs. Why wouldn't I think that given my profession?

The 'advice' about leaving the relationship was meant for another thread originally , I did make that clear in my post.

And thanks for your patronising inverted commas there, I have worked as a therapist/counsellor in the NHS for 5 years and am perfectly well qualified thanks

My evidence base is the overwhelming amount of women I and my colleagues have seen who have been on these medications for years when the only thing 'wrong' with their mental health is that they are living shit lives with shit men. Depression is largely existential rather than purely about neurotransmitter imbalances (although I'm speaking very generally here). If someone is depressed, often it is a normal, healthy response to crappy life situations. Sometimes it seems more appealing to pop a pill every day rather than make very difficult changes to ones life and relationships though. (And I believe some GPs collude in this fallacy, as do the MH services as it pays to foster this culture of dependency on medication. But that's maybe for another time!)

And you don't have to tell me how debilitating panic is, treating panic disorder was my bread and butter for years when I was a CBT therapist (which you may know is the evidence based treatment for most anxiety disorders). Plus I have experienced them myself and they are truly terrifying! But, they are indeed harmless. No one has ever died of a panic attack!

Also, the OP is not my patient and I am not prescribing her anything. She said she is looking into paying for counselling, I think this is a fantastic decision. I don't tell anyone not to take meds, just not to rely on them solely because they are a sticking plaster, not a cure.

I do agree that some people are unable to engage in talking therapy without going on meds first, and in these situations they are certainly valuable. But again, they should be used as an aid to therapy, not an alternative. But that invariably ends up not being the case, people are fobbed off with a prescription, not offered any therapy and then stay on them for years. I see it ALL THE TIME. And they can have horrible side effects and they can fuck your brain up after long term use.

Anyway, it's late, I could rant about this issue all night but I won't! I'm sorry if this wasn't the right place for my opinions but I stand by them 100%. OP I really hope you're able to find a counsellor and get the support you need, and of course if you find meds helpful then by all means take those too.

And (my final word, promise!) I'm sure it's fairly obvious that there is a split with opinions on medication between the medical professionals and non-medical.

For example, a psychiatrist/psych nurse and most GPs (but not all) would obviously give a differently biased opinion.

Whereas if you ask a psychologist/psychotherapist/counsellor they would pretty much always have the same opinions as me.