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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can marriage survive if MM is still contacting OW?

30 replies

talksomesense · 08/12/2013 13:49

I'm the OW. He is still sending friendly messages despite choosing his wife and deciding to go NC. Just 'How are you/what are you up to' type thing. I have blocked all modes of contact but these are coming from somewhere else. What is he playing at and why is he still trying to contact me? I have been to hell and back with this but I have started to reply, initially thinking what could be the harm but now starting to think AGAIN that it's me he wants if he's willing to risk it all by making contact again - please don't flame, I'm know I'm stupid and selfish.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/12/2013 13:55

He's 'keeping you warm' I'm afraid. Making a big show of doing the right thing and choosing the DW but, at the same time, keeping you ticking over so that he has alternatives. What does he want? BOTH... He's greedy. You'd only be stupid if you started to think this man would ever be able to commit 100% to anyone.

DoingItForMyself · 08/12/2013 13:56

He's not Nc if he's still contacting you, so he is keeping you on the back burner while trying to convince his DW that he is trying to make things right with her. Both you and DW deserve better than a cheating lying scumbag, but I have a feeling that one or both of you will settle for him.

Anniegetyourgun · 08/12/2013 13:56

Flame yourself then, dear. You know what he wants. Cake in one hand (wife), cake in the other hand (mistress). He's not "willing to risk it all" because you as a person are so important to him; he just likes the sneakiness of it. You know this. You're just trying to convince yourself it's something more significant. He lied about no-contact because he is a liar and he is lying to you just as he is lying to his wife. If he were not a liar this situation would not have arisen in the first place. Were he by some unlikely turn of events to decide to leave his wife after all, and were he by some even less likely turn of events to decide to move in with you, it would be beyond the bounds of all likelihood that he wouldn't get another bit on the side within about 5 minutes, because having a bit on the side is what he does.

Toasty enough for you?

YouStayClassySanDiego · 08/12/2013 14:06

Change your phone number then he won't be able to contact you.

You may have been to hell and back but his wife is probably still in hell and it isn't getting any better for her is it?

scaevola · 08/12/2013 14:07

He's worried that his W might kick him out after all, so wants you keeping a bed warm for him. Not because he wants you, just minimal interruption to the domestics.

NigellasLeftNostril · 08/12/2013 14:09

"been to hell and back"?
get yourself a new man, not a used one.

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 08/12/2013 14:12

He's still hoping for the fuck on the side while keeping the happy home maid service.

His wife is worth far more than to be saddled with a man who can't keep it in his pants and you are surely worth more than being a warm place to stick his cock/Plan B?

queenofthepirates · 08/12/2013 14:21

If I was the wife, I'd want to know. If you have the courage, tell her.

str8tothepoint · 08/12/2013 14:22

Tell him stop or you'll tell her he's been contacting you but then again you probably love the fact he's back giving you attention. But WAKE UP it is never and I repeat NEVER going to be a happy ending. So save yourself, your emotions, your sanity and take a zero tolerance stance. He'll never chose you over her and that hurts more than anything but I see it as a I'm better than you because your weak enough to cheat and even weaker to think I'd give you another chance after the hell and shit you put me through. Dream on matey you made the decision so go away. Don't hurt yourself more than already and don't kid yourself that their marriage is not going to survive sitting waiting hoping one day he will come be yours because its not going to happen. Sorry sound harsh but I've just been in same position as you but I stupidly believed him and fell for his bullshit for a year having now seen his gfs Facebook and emails from her I realised it was just lies lies lies and it hurts. Please protect yourself if he wants you leave her first and not just split but divorced.

FolkGirl · 08/12/2013 14:26

OP, I have been the wife in this situation. Except that in my case I kicked him out - it wasn't his 'choice' to make as far as I was concerned. He's now living between his parents house and the OW's house.

I suppose she must feel like she has won. But in reality, she hasn't. In fact, no one did. We are amicable for the sake of the children. I have no romantic feelings left for him at all, but he often tells me how much he regrets what he did; how he wishes he hadn't done it; how I'm the first person he wants to tell when he has good news; how there are things he sees in the news/in the world and I'm the only person he knows will 'get it' and it kills him that he can't email/text/phone me about it; he tells me that he still thinks I'm beautiful and that he still loves me (and always will, and can't imagine there ever being a time when I'm not in his life)...

I'm pretty sure she wouldn't like to think he's saying those things to me! He's with her because he has no where else to go. He's making the best of the situation because otherwise they both threw away their marriages for nothing. He has said that he owes it to himself to try and 'salvage' something from the situation.

Is that really what she would want for herself?
Is that really what you would want for yourself?
Because I largely suspect that everyone else is right and that he is keeping you as an option in case she comes to her senses and kicks him out. He won't want to have no where to go.

Get some self respect. Don't respond to him.

FolkGirl · 08/12/2013 14:27

OH and just to be clear, he did 'choose' me to begin with and begged me to give him another chance.

LivingWellNow · 08/12/2013 17:18

How dull your life must be to get so energised by this person.

That's my (lukewarm) appraisal of the situation.

redundantandbitter · 08/12/2013 17:40

It's up to you talk . You let him niggly and chat away while living at home with DW or you go back to NC. You can choose how it pans out. He had the chance to commit to you and he didn't. Take that as a very big signel. I didn't. I let him back in. DON'T do it unless you have a lot of time and energy to waste and little regard for your self esteem. Been there done that. Walk away, if you can. I wish you luck .

ohtobemeagain · 08/12/2013 17:42

If you want him, then ring the wife and let her know he is still contacting you.

If you're my DH's "OW" then I would really want to know now, as the pain of reaching this point has been immense, if it's all going to come crashing down again, I would rather it happened sooner rather than later.

Thants · 08/12/2013 17:49

Does the wife know he has cheated?
Basically he wants sex from you. He chose her to be in a relationship with her but still wants sex from you.
Tell her about the affair if she doesn't know. It's the right thing to do. She doesn't deserve to be living a lie with a cheater. Other than that ignore him. Do not be his booty call.

mammadiggingdeep · 08/12/2013 17:53

Been to hell and back??? Really? You knew he was married though yeah?

mammadiggingdeep · 08/12/2013 17:54

Oh and you still know he's married. Change your number and consider counselling to look into why you started a relationship with somebody else's husband.

str8tothepoint · 08/12/2013 18:12

It really shocks me that people like kicking people when they are down, people use these messageboards for help, advice, a direction to go to not to be flamed over and over again for a cheap thrill. The OW/M do suffer you know yes we did wrong but we are still human with emotions and feelings regardless of what has happened.

Whatnext074 · 08/12/2013 18:21

Then the moral of the story is not to go with a MM.

The OP is asking if MM's marriage can survive, it shouldn't be a concern for her as it is over with the MM. Don't respond, leave them to it to try and work things out, if it's not to be with them then that is down to them, not a 3rd party who should not have gone with somebody else's H.

LivingWellNow · 08/12/2013 18:48

I don't see any kicking here. I see a variety of views and experiences which challenge an OP's hope that a MM still has 'feelings'. That's not kicking and the OP posted knowing what they'd get.

Having said that, the OP has not responded at all - and we can only speculate as to why.

mammadiggingdeep · 08/12/2013 18:49

Nobody's kicking anybody. I don't agree with lies and deceit. I don't agree with knowingly engaging in an activity that will absolutely destroy another human being. We all have self control. Even now the op isn't staying clear, even after the hurt has been caused. Instead she's musing at what might be and wondering if the mm marriage can work (none if her business I'd say).

mammadiggingdeep · 08/12/2013 18:51

And u think the point us, the ow/m suffers but often they entered into it knowingly. The wife/husband dies haven't that choice. Their hurt isn't self-inflicted.

mammadiggingdeep · 08/12/2013 18:51

I think the point is... Typo

ProphetOfDoom · 08/12/2013 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatnext074 · 08/12/2013 19:09

Some MNers who have been the OW have come on here asking for advice as they are hurt when it all goes pear shaped and that is what they get, good advice and support even from DWs who are suffering the effect of deceit. Most of us don't judge.

I have supported those threads as they are remorseful, in pain themselves and don't go out to further hurt the DWs.

If you have been the OW / OM, then knowingly question whether to tell the DW, respond to communication from MM then I would question motives. The OP isn't getting a kicking.

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