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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I dating a sociopath?

142 replies

deepbluewave · 08/12/2013 07:33

Morning....

Ok- I broke up with my exh in February this year, after quite a difficult relationship, but one that was full of love & a very deep connection.
In September! I met an older man, whom I got on with very well. He was quite literally a whirlwind in my life. He booked weekends away, brought gifts for me & my son. In the first 3 weeks together, he booked a trip to Rome in April. I was a bit confused by this, as how could we say, it was going to work out. He went overboard for my birthday and said he didn't buy me enough- he is planning similar for Xmas- as he keeps telling me every day, things he has ordered, have arrived. We now have 3 weekends away booked in the calendar. I offer to pay half of these, but in fact, I can't keep up.

I've started to feel trapped. It's all gone very quick. It was me who broke up with my exh and although I now realise I do want to be with someone- I was looking forward to healing time on my own, to just focus on me. There is some kind of spark missing. But I feel he is trying to control me with kindness. He has presented as Mr Perfect,he had a bad childhood, ( que, I feel sorry for him)he doesn't know why his ex wife broke up his marriage, at first he said they argued twice a year, I asked him again yesterday and he said, it was every month. He lives 3 hours away and always comes to me, his phone is always kept face down. I'm not suspicious at all, he rings me all the time,too much- he never lets me breath in fact. He gets upset if I don't answer , or I go to bed early, without speaking with him. He woke up the other day, said he wasn't speaking to me, because I didn't sleep cuddled into him all night!

Writing all this down, is sounding like he is a crazy man?
He is a Police sergeant, so I think he is used to getting what he wants and I have been warned me many people, they can be controlling men. I want to break it off, but he has planned to take me and my son and his, to Thomas land, next week and stay in a hotel, the whole thing has cost him £200. I plan on paying him half, in the N Y.
I am probably feeling uncomfortable, because I think I can see through I all, but then I wonder, am I just very bitter. I'm not used to this kind of spoiling, but it doesn't feel like it comes from the right place.
He also now and then, say hurtful things to me. I look tired, or old. ( I'm 33, he is 46- I bloody don't! When he pisses me off, I pull away and then he overloads me with compliments. ....??.?WTF!

What is going on!!!!!! I feel like I'm going mad.

OP posts:
feltpaperchains · 08/12/2013 13:07

I think preaching to the converted a little.

He's in no fit state to have a RL, OP knows that and is moving on, Im sure she's wise to rescuing etc.

Sometimes these forums just give clarity, she sounds very sensible to me indeed. Some people let this mumbo jumbo go on for decades.

Hissy · 08/12/2013 13:22

I know how you may be feeling attacked, but love, he really isn't right.

We don't know him. True. But after 4m, neither do you. You may work in MH, but I know tons of MH professionals that ended up in seriously abusive relationships! I know women who work in DV services that ended up in abusive relationships themselves. It's hideously embarrassing, but it does happen.

NONE of it however is their fault, or yours for that matter.

You need to get the keys back, first and foremost, and you need to be the one to decide if you need to review your security at home.

You didn't cause this, but you do have the power to protect yourself if he doesn't go away easily.

People like him don't generally. Please don't allow yourself to think 'he's not thw kind of person who....' and please don't tack 'because i'd know if he were' onto the end.

You don't know him at all lovey, he may be ok, but he might not be, he very well could get nasty and you have your ds to protect.

Please keep posting, please let us know how you are?

(((hug)))

ItsBiggerOnTheInside · 08/12/2013 13:26

More than likely, you are right, deep, and nothing will happen.

What just in case.....

Lweji · 08/12/2013 15:25

It's not 4 months, from September, btw, it's hardly more than 3, even if from the beginning of September.

That he is showering you with gifts and booking holidays away with your DS that you then feel obliged to pay half too, after only 3 months is very worrying.

And how high in the police is he, if he's a sergeant? Do you perceive him as high, or does he try to give that image?

And what do you mean a family of his own?

Lweji · 08/12/2013 15:30

And I hadn't seen he has the keys to your house. Change the locks. Seriously.

He is being nice now because he thinks you'll change your mind as you did last time.

I suspect the next e-mails won't be so nice once he realises you won't change your mind.

50shadesofmeh · 08/12/2013 15:42

Not a sociopath but he is obviously stifling you and its clear you don't fancy him.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/12/2013 16:14

By "family of his own" Leiji I think she means he has DC of his own

NoArmaniNoPunani · 08/12/2013 16:36

No point taking the chance with him having a key to your house. Even if you don't think he'll turn up at your house it won't hurt to change the locks anyway

qazxc · 08/12/2013 16:49

Change the locks, I wouldn't like to have a spare key floating around out there, out of my control. It won't hurt, it's a quick job and at least your mind will be at ease.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 08/12/2013 17:56

Sorry you are having this situation OP. I too think you have done the right thing by finishing it. You may well be right in that he is not as weird as some of the posters on here think. I hope you are right and they are wrong but has this guy given you your keys back or even mentioned you getting them back? THAT would be the honourable thing to do I feel. You do not want to wake up in the middle of the night in a dark room with him leering down at you eh?
Even in the event that he gives them back, I would still put some stout bolts on the doors, he may have cloned them. Irrespective of you having the urge to minimise his behaviour, my gut tells me to advise you work to the worst case scenario here that it all. Good luck!

DollyTwat · 08/12/2013 18:07

My ex was an ex copper op, he thought he was ABOVE the law

AdoraBell · 08/12/2013 18:25

You need To change the locks weather you think people are getting carried away or not.

If he asks why tell him you lost your's. Bear in mind he will only ever know the locks have been changed if he tríes To use his key.

Don't wait To come home from work and find him sitting in your lounge.

Loopytiles · 08/12/2013 20:08

OP yes people might be worrying too much, but let's assume he's joe average and just not the man for you - you still don't owe him your time or further explanation.

In your shoes I would change the locks and review security, just in case.

You might want to think about your boundaries, for example why you went along with him booking expensive things, felt like you had to (a) go with him and (b) pay 50% (when you'd happily not have gone and had no say in the booking). Why you took his very frequent, disruptive phone calls, called him a lot (because he wanted you too), mollified his sulks and things. Introduced him to your DC so early. Didn't tell him that all the present buying was OTT (it would have been totally reasonable to do so btw).

TheCrumpetQueen · 08/12/2013 20:19

Yeah, because policemen have never done anything illegal

Op change your locks and don't ever give someone you've been dating for under 3 months keys to your fucking house again.

Original poster
deepbluewave · 08/12/2013 22:10

I know! I'm told!

Thanks peeps...

OP posts:
CCTVmum · 08/12/2013 23:15

deep gosh sounds like my ex at the start esp the stonewalling or accusing me of being with another man if I never replied to email within 5 seconds...stupid me thought he just cared about me! Doh! Wish I had the experience of MN back then!

However my ex did go on to stalk and attack my home lots of times over years and attacks only stopped when I got CCTV! Stalking may still be ongoing? I dont check CCTV anymore.

I do hope he takes the split well and as HerHissy says [waves] change those locks, your email, your mobile and ignore ignore ignore!
Be vigilant though for a few weeks.

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 08/12/2013 23:18

Any fans of 50 Shades could do with a read of this thread, he sounds remarkably like a certain character in it (minus the weird sex, presumably!)

Glad to hear you've binned him OP. Gut instinct is a powerful thing :)

pottytowork · 08/12/2013 23:29

you sound like you have it covered op. good luck!

mathanxiety · 08/12/2013 23:34

You sound sensible, and so does your mum.
I wish you and your DS well.

Hope he doesn't behave according to (sadly) predictable form here. I second the advice from ExcuseTypos to make it clear you do not want any further communication from him.

Going back to something you said earlier -- I don't believe that he had to pull over on the occasion you describe. I think he correctly guessed that you were going to take him back after the argument you had, and it was just a matter of waiting you out. He probably knew you would be going to pick up your DS. My guess would be he waited in his car not too far from your house, or went to the local dog track or found some other way to while away his time while watching his phone for your anticipated message.

That is why a flat and clear statement like the one ExcuseTypos posted is very important.

Darkesteyes · 08/12/2013 23:44

When i worked at a sex chatline 11 yrs ago one of my callers claimed to be a copper. He used to CRY down the phone telling me he loved me. He had phoned up for sex chat Never even clapped eyes on me. He told me he had a 13 yr old son And that son actually walked in on him mid call I heard it from the other end.
Youve done the right thing OP Hope he leaves you alone and if he doesnt ...do speak to his boss x

Original poster
deepbluewave · 09/12/2013 08:29

CCTVmum- yeah, you're right, you kinda take it as them caring for you.

I think you're right about him waiting it out too. We had a lovely weekend prior, so he would know id feel confused & bad about my behaviour & get back in touch.

I must admit, I felt really sad yesterday. More so, as this 'idea' of our future was so great- we had so many plans, which I know he would have been proactive about... The scary thing is- I told him one of the main reasons I broke with my ex, was because we never did anything- we were never making memories.
I read on this website, he will have assessed me & become what I want- hence all the weekends away & plans with my son. When I asked what he did with his ex, he said just go to USA every year?
Bloody hell. I guess without wanting to admit it, I was vulnerable. Fuck I hate that. Killed with kindness. Whatever next. I can totally see how women end up in these situations & find it hard to get out!

OP posts:
bragmatic · 09/12/2013 08:54

Well, you're out now. You made a sensible move and many don't, so good on you.

SarahPercyAndBill · 09/12/2013 09:18

I bet returning your keys will be an excuse to see you. I would change locks and prepare for him to be at your door, asking why the key doesn't work. I would have a letter in my coat about harassment and I would get a script ready in my head.
1/ why were you trying to enter my property without my knowledge and permission?
2/ this is unlawful and you know I should be calling the police right now to report you

3/ please give me back my old keys. Any further contact - written or verbal - will be considered as harassment and hand him a prepared letter.

4/ dial 999 phone in hand and tell him to leave immediately or you will ring 999.

Maoamstripes · 09/12/2013 09:26

deepbluewave,
i have also been in this situation, feeling i couldn't say no and being stalked. I haven't read the full thread but please remain consistent and stay out of this relationship! How did you meet him?
Have you asked for your keys back or made plans to change the locks?
You must be vulnerable to give him keys so early/introduce him to your ds.. hard to admit I know.

Original poster
deepbluewave · 09/12/2013 09:45

I guess I wanted what he sold me. I know I was feeling bad for pulling our family apart. I know he was feeling bad, for having his family pulled apart. ( his wife left him last year- 5 year old son)
I guess he wanted a patched up version of what he had- so so wrong on many levels.

OP posts: