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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I dating a sociopath?

142 replies

deepbluewave · 08/12/2013 07:33

Morning....

Ok- I broke up with my exh in February this year, after quite a difficult relationship, but one that was full of love & a very deep connection.
In September! I met an older man, whom I got on with very well. He was quite literally a whirlwind in my life. He booked weekends away, brought gifts for me & my son. In the first 3 weeks together, he booked a trip to Rome in April. I was a bit confused by this, as how could we say, it was going to work out. He went overboard for my birthday and said he didn't buy me enough- he is planning similar for Xmas- as he keeps telling me every day, things he has ordered, have arrived. We now have 3 weekends away booked in the calendar. I offer to pay half of these, but in fact, I can't keep up.

I've started to feel trapped. It's all gone very quick. It was me who broke up with my exh and although I now realise I do want to be with someone- I was looking forward to healing time on my own, to just focus on me. There is some kind of spark missing. But I feel he is trying to control me with kindness. He has presented as Mr Perfect,he had a bad childhood, ( que, I feel sorry for him)he doesn't know why his ex wife broke up his marriage, at first he said they argued twice a year, I asked him again yesterday and he said, it was every month. He lives 3 hours away and always comes to me, his phone is always kept face down. I'm not suspicious at all, he rings me all the time,too much- he never lets me breath in fact. He gets upset if I don't answer , or I go to bed early, without speaking with him. He woke up the other day, said he wasn't speaking to me, because I didn't sleep cuddled into him all night!

Writing all this down, is sounding like he is a crazy man?
He is a Police sergeant, so I think he is used to getting what he wants and I have been warned me many people, they can be controlling men. I want to break it off, but he has planned to take me and my son and his, to Thomas land, next week and stay in a hotel, the whole thing has cost him £200. I plan on paying him half, in the N Y.
I am probably feeling uncomfortable, because I think I can see through I all, but then I wonder, am I just very bitter. I'm not used to this kind of spoiling, but it doesn't feel like it comes from the right place.
He also now and then, say hurtful things to me. I look tired, or old. ( I'm 33, he is 46- I bloody don't! When he pisses me off, I pull away and then he overloads me with compliments. ....??.?WTF!

What is going on!!!!!! I feel like I'm going mad.

OP posts:
deepbluewave · 08/12/2013 10:32

Ok, I never replied. He has sent another email,saying,that he is go smacked,but he can't make me love him. He hopes to see me again one day and to take care of myself, my son and my cats!

OP posts:
snowtunesgirl · 08/12/2013 10:35

Chip, chip, chip OP. He'll make a full attack soon.

themidwife · 08/12/2013 10:39

Red Flags I'm afraid. Read Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" He's a stage 1 controlling man (before they get their feet under the table completely) - they sweep you off your feet, but you loads but in return start to monitor your behaviour & require total devotion or else the start to cause rows or worse case scenario become abusive. Run for the hills!

deepbluewave · 08/12/2013 10:42

It's so transparent, once you know what you're dealing with.

OP posts:
NoArmaniNoPunani · 08/12/2013 10:43

Can you block his emails?

happytalk13 · 08/12/2013 10:44

Ignore. ignore. Ignore.

He's trying ot reel you in. When these "nice" emails don't work (which are actually thinly veiled attacks on your character and primers for more stringent attacks) he'll start to bring out bigger guns - much stronger guilt tripping than he's already tried will be first on his list!

Anniegetyourgun · 08/12/2013 10:45

Either that or he will cut his losses and start investing in the next woman he's got his eye on. You will have had a lucky escape if so.

flippinada · 08/12/2013 10:45

Just started reading this thread acc like others the red flags just jump out. I'm very glad you've dumped him already.

Be aware that he'll probably launch a full on charm offensive so you take him back. Of course ignoring a clear "no" and pushing at boundaries is also red flag behaviour so keep
that in mind.

flippinada · 08/12/2013 10:47

Like others I would also recommend blocking emails and his phone number.

deepbluewave · 08/12/2013 10:51

Thanks ladies. I feel quite proud of myself Smile
He has emailed again...oh so nice. I was perfect for him, made him open up and discuss his feelings. All he wanted to do was make me happy and I got in his heart. Blah blah blah.

OP posts:
deepbluewave · 08/12/2013 10:52

I know what will come, I've broken him, why did I accept and take his gifts. All people are the same, hurtful and greedy. He will try and make me feel like I'm like all the 'others' that have hurt him!

OP posts:
themidwife · 08/12/2013 10:53

Sorry I was a bit late with my advice as everyone else already gave it brilliantly!!Grin

ItsBiggerOnTheInside · 08/12/2013 10:53

Just keep strong and clear in your mind what it is you want.

Hissy · 08/12/2013 10:54

I had this. But after about a month.

He stonewalled me for some reason, I (stupidly) let that one go, but told him i'd not tolerate a second time. he did it again. I ended it.

I got the same text sent every so often 'thinking of you'

I never replied. Then eventually he texted "HELP" late one Sunday night. so I called 101 and told them that I thought he was trying it on.

They went to see him. A week or so later a gift I gave him turned up on my windscreen - despite him never having been invited to my home.

101 dealt with that again. I went out with a guy for a year, ended it just about 7m ago, and even though i'd had no contact in all that time with Mr Help, I got a FB message telling me that he'd handed in his notice and was going to Australia.

Erm.. wha..? Delete, blocked and no reply.

My advice is to not reply at all, to just ignore, ignore and ignore some more.

If he crosses a line, call the police, don't ever reply directly to him.

Clobbered · 08/12/2013 10:54

Well done. Stay one step ahead of him (as you are) and ride it out.

deepbluewave · 08/12/2013 10:56

Hissy- what do you mean, by stonewalled you..?

OP posts:
Hissy · 08/12/2013 10:56

Set up a Nutter filter on your email, and have all his emails go straight there.

Hissy · 08/12/2013 10:57

Stonewalling is 'the silent treatment'

Refusing to reply to any message, take your calls or hear you.

One of the worst forms of mental abuse actually.

scratchandsniff · 08/12/2013 10:57

I hope you don't get too much hassle off him now you've told him. If he does get nasty I think you should get in touch with his boss at the police station. Any kind of harassment would (hopefully) be taken very seriously. Let's hope he fucks off and leaves you alone.

FunkyBoldRibena · 08/12/2013 10:58

yada yada yada...

Hissy · 08/12/2013 10:58

You have ended the relationship now, you don't need to reply to him.

Stonewalling is the silence as a punishment.

Anniegetyourgun · 08/12/2013 11:03

As a matter of interest (and don't say if you'd rather not), what happened the other times you tried to break it off?

deepbluewave · 08/12/2013 11:19

Ok, this is really weird....and I don't know, why it didn't see this, it happened 2 weeks ago. We had the weekend in Chester, it was really really nice, but I bought myself some boots and spent a bit too much money. When we got home, I freaked a bit and said to him that with Xmas, other debts and things, I probably, shouldn't go to Thomas land, so I didn't have to owe him£100 ( I never accepted him paying for everything) obviously I could've taken the boots back, but it was the first thing I'd treated myself to all year and really loved them!
He was pissed off, because he said I was always destroying 'our' things. I just said, I can't do it all, financially. And as the money for Thomas hadn't left his account,it could be cancelled.
We didn't speak all night or the next day, but he lingered round, while I was doing housework, washing etc.
About 16pm, I exploded and said if he wasn't going to speak to me, there was no point in him being at my house. He took all his stuff and left for home (3hours drive away) and we had a few 'farewell texts' I got my son back from his dads, we had tea, got into bed. About 8.30, I apologised for being rude and we began talking. An hour later, he turns up at the house. He had never driven home. He said the traffic was so bad, he had to pull over somewhere....I believed that, because he never knew I would start communication again in the evening.

OP posts:
bragmatic · 08/12/2013 11:25

Bullet well dodged then.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 08/12/2013 11:33

Hi OP - that is well weird - have you actually been to his house? Do you know for sure that he lives where he claims to live?