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Relationships

Am I dating a sociopath?

142 replies

deepbluewave · 08/12/2013 07:33

Morning....

Ok- I broke up with my exh in February this year, after quite a difficult relationship, but one that was full of love & a very deep connection.
In September! I met an older man, whom I got on with very well. He was quite literally a whirlwind in my life. He booked weekends away, brought gifts for me & my son. In the first 3 weeks together, he booked a trip to Rome in April. I was a bit confused by this, as how could we say, it was going to work out. He went overboard for my birthday and said he didn't buy me enough- he is planning similar for Xmas- as he keeps telling me every day, things he has ordered, have arrived. We now have 3 weekends away booked in the calendar. I offer to pay half of these, but in fact, I can't keep up.

I've started to feel trapped. It's all gone very quick. It was me who broke up with my exh and although I now realise I do want to be with someone- I was looking forward to healing time on my own, to just focus on me. There is some kind of spark missing. But I feel he is trying to control me with kindness. He has presented as Mr Perfect,he had a bad childhood, ( que, I feel sorry for him)he doesn't know why his ex wife broke up his marriage, at first he said they argued twice a year, I asked him again yesterday and he said, it was every month. He lives 3 hours away and always comes to me, his phone is always kept face down. I'm not suspicious at all, he rings me all the time,too much- he never lets me breath in fact. He gets upset if I don't answer , or I go to bed early, without speaking with him. He woke up the other day, said he wasn't speaking to me, because I didn't sleep cuddled into him all night!

Writing all this down, is sounding like he is a crazy man?
He is a Police sergeant, so I think he is used to getting what he wants and I have been warned me many people, they can be controlling men. I want to break it off, but he has planned to take me and my son and his, to Thomas land, next week and stay in a hotel, the whole thing has cost him £200. I plan on paying him half, in the N Y.
I am probably feeling uncomfortable, because I think I can see through I all, but then I wonder, am I just very bitter. I'm not used to this kind of spoiling, but it doesn't feel like it comes from the right place.
He also now and then, say hurtful things to me. I look tired, or old. ( I'm 33, he is 46- I bloody don't! When he pisses me off, I pull away and then he overloads me with compliments. ....??.?WTF!

What is going on!!!!!! I feel like I'm going mad.

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Selks · 08/12/2013 11:33

There will be more to follow. I predict he will not take you seriously at first. Then will come the declarations and pleadings. When those don't work expect other tactics.

Stay strong, OP. Remember that whatever he comes out with now is just part of his emotional manipulation and controlling behaviour.

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ExcuseTypos · 08/12/2013 11:35

I may be going against the grain here, but I think you SHOULD email/text him once more.

I would say "I do not intend to respond to any of your messages and I do not want you to contact me again."

Then he is 100% sure that it is over, and you have evidence that you have asked him not to contact you.

If you say nothing today, it may give him an excuse to pester you. He could say 'well is she getting my messages?' 'is she just ignoring me today, but start talking again tomorrow-I don't know, so I'll keep texting her'

As I said, if he does pester you and you have to go to his bosses, you have evidence and he has no excuses.

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AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating · 08/12/2013 11:41

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laughingeyes2013 · 08/12/2013 11:43

If you do email him (and by the way I'm not saying I think you should, because usually they take that to be a green light and dig their claws in further!) then I would make it clear you consider any further contact as being harassment. Being a police officer he will know a clear warning would count against him if you reported him for harassment in the future.

I had a stalker (not an ex, a neighbour, so it might be different), and the police had to hand deliver him a letter stating that contact with me would constitute harassment and be dealt with as such. They said without that letter he couldn't easily be nailed for harassment as he could claim "no one told me, I thought she liked it, she led me on" etc etc.

So if, and like I said only IF you're going to email once more, then I'd really recommend you spell it out to him and use the "perceived harassment" terminology.

But hopefully you won't need to contact him again and hopefully he will see any pestering you won't work. Good luck with that.

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feltpaperchains · 08/12/2013 11:43

He also, may not have had love modelled for him correctly if at all.
He may be unaware that he is an abuser, which doesn't mean go back to him, you need to protect yourself and your son.

Don't feel silly. Abusers are wolves in sheep's clothing they are as unaware that they are dysfunctional as you are and showering people with gifts is sometimes something which happens in the giddy first stages of a relationship.

It's just that when you write it all down and take the whole picture into account it becomes clear that some unhealthy patterns are forming.
He needs therapy, maybe Co-dependants anonymous meetings and to get his head straight if he is ever to enjoy a healthy relationship.

Well done for being such a strong woman and not letting this nonsense deplete you entirely.

Good luck, enjoy your 'you' time and the right man will be just around the corner.

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DollyTwat · 08/12/2013 11:49

DeepBlue I have a friend on fb like this. I know all about his failed relationships because he goes out with someone, showers them with gifts, becomes too controlling because he feels like he owns them. They then dump him and he slags them off all over fb saying they liked the gifts, money grabbing bitches etc

It's car crash. I've seen him do it over and over Again

Bullet well and truly dodged

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NotNoah · 08/12/2013 11:51

My Dad is like this, my mum stayed with him for 14 years till she found the strength to end it and take us with her. Then took her a few more years to finally get away from him. It drove him crazy that he no longer had control of her. He has done the same in all his subsequent relationships. My sister and I had to eventually cut him out of our lives as he causes so much emotional devastation. Definitely listen to your gut feeling and don't let him make you feel obliged to him.

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maras2 · 08/12/2013 12:11

Sorry if this has been asked before but do you know for a fact that he is a police officer?He's sounding odder by the minute.

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deepbluewave · 08/12/2013 12:14

I don't think he really, really realises it. I don't think, he is soooo bad. He is a great dad and does the right thing most of the time.

He does have keys the house......he came up,when I was at work and it made things easier...ie, he would cook tea, for when I got in...he'd come up early in the day to beat traffic.

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bragmatic · 08/12/2013 12:18

Oh dear. Have you arranged to get them back?

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OddFodd · 08/12/2013 12:20

Sounds like you've had a very lucky escape.

In future don't give keys to your house to a man you've known for only 3 months (and it is only 3, not 4, if you met him in September) nor introduce them to your child. It's too soon, especially if they turn out to be a controlling loser like this guy.

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Hissy · 08/12/2013 12:24

Keys? Ffs!

You MUST change the locks!

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deepbluewave · 08/12/2013 12:26

Yeah,defo in Police. I've called him at work, seen his
ID and he comes in his uniform. Please realise, you are getting the very raw shit of the storey.

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LizzieVereker · 08/12/2013 12:27

I think you sound really sensible OP, and I'm sorry this has happened to you. (mean that nicely, don't mean to sound patronising).

I would be inclined to send on last e- mail along the lines of "I need you to be clear that our relationship is over, permanently. I wish you well, but think it would be best if you do not contact me again."

I don't want to be overdramatic, but would also seriously consider changing your locks.

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NigellasLeftNostril · 08/12/2013 12:27

second that, change the locks tomorrow as a matter of priority, he sounds like a headfuck and potentially dangerous

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deepbluewave · 08/12/2013 12:28

We met in August, started dating in Sept

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FairPhyllis · 08/12/2013 12:37

I agree that you should change your locks.

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Lizzabadger · 08/12/2013 12:39

This is a person who may well stalk you.

Agree change the locks, filter emails, delete texts unread. No contact.

Keep a record of any "incidents".

Don't hesitate to involve the police (although they may not be helpful unfortunately as he is one of their own).

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OddFodd · 08/12/2013 12:46

Sorry to be a pedant.

I would also change the locks if I were you. I think he might come round to try and persuade you to change your mind. That post where you said he hadn't actually driven home would freak me out a bit.

I've been out with men like this on a couple of occasions, both for much shorter amounts of time. They both got very angry and verbally abusive when I ditched them.

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LizzieVereker · 08/12/2013 12:47

I understand what you mean OP, you have had to come on here and explain the worst bits so that people can understand, and then you worry that this reflects badly on your judgement. But other posters will realise that you sound really level headed, and therefore there must have been good bits too. I think you've been very wise to see through him this early, and to do something about it, it's not easy to do that.

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OneMoreThenNoMore · 08/12/2013 12:50

Hmm, comes to your house in his uniform? I used to work in a police station and they all took their uniforms off before leaving. Or at the very least, took off all identifying items- epaullettes etc. Did you speak to him on a direct line at work or did you have to go through a switchboard?

Anyway, that's irrelevant now as you've already dumped him. Sounds like you've had a lucky escape! Thanks

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deepbluewave · 08/12/2013 12:52

I think everyone is getting a little carried away. I get that he ain't right, it was me that worked it out. But all he has actually done is give me gifts & made me feel uncomfortable. I get he is a controlling character, but he is quite high up in the police, with a family of his own. I don't think he will bust in my house & start stalking me. You may read that as my naivety or think I'm a simpleton, but I also work in mental health & spend my working life assessing other peoples.

It's hard to get all the points across, when writing to strangers. I can't give you ALL the details of the last 4 months, so you have a very bullet point version, which your taking to be the only picture.

I really appreciate you all supporting my gut feelings & yes, it's crazy how other people seem & come across. We did have a very passionate love affair that took off very quickly on both sides & I can't say I didn't encourage some of his behaviour.

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Anniegetyourgun · 08/12/2013 12:53

You're "always destroying 'our' things" but you've only been going out for three months. What a busy little destructive soul you must be.

Every woman deserves a good pair of boots!

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deepbluewave · 08/12/2013 12:55

Cheers LizzieV

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/12/2013 13:02

"I think everyone is getting a little carried away. I get that he ain't right, it was me that worked it out. But all he has actually done is give me gifts & made me feel uncomfortable. I get he is a controlling character, but he is quite high up in the police, with a family of his own. I don't think he will bust in my house & start stalking me. You may read that as my naivety or think I'm a simpleton, but I also work in mental health & spend my working life assessing other peoples".

I do not think you had him fully worked out to begin with because you were asking other people's opinions. From that you have come to your own conclusions and have dumped him by e-mail. This I daresay will not the last you will hear from him, these men do not let go of their victims easily. I hope I am wrong but I would not be surprised if you were contacted again.

Do not assume that he will not try to reel you back in, it is precisely because you work in mental health and spend you working life assessing other people that this person somehow regards you as a challenge to break you down!!!. These inadequate types do not like (outwardly)
strong and independent women and hone in on vulnerabilities. Concentrate your efforts now on you and your child; you need time and space away from men and dating.

"We did have a very passionate love affair that took off very quickly on both sides & I can't say I didn't encourage some of his behaviour".

You were indeed flattered and such men can be very plausible but its still a red flag all the same. Early protestations of love and intensity is all designed to hook you right in there.

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