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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Today my husband told me he'd been sleeping with someone

68 replies

Felixio · 07/12/2013 22:55

Hello. I don't come on here very often, but it was the first place I thought of. Think I may still be in shock, as feel quite numb and strong feelings only bubble up every so often.
I found some Viagra-type drugs in the bathroom and I asked him, quite jokingly if they were for us, and he just came straight out with it!
I didn't know how to react as it was just before I was about to teach a yoga class. I guess I just bottled it up and got on with the day.
We have 3 children and I felt immediately it was very important they didn't know anything was the matter. It was only when they went to bed a few hours ago that I really felt sick and started crying. Millions of questions and horrible scenarios in my head at the moment.
He's a guilty mess (quite right) and has been in tears saying he doesn't want to lose me, massive mistake, etc etc. Blaming it on work stress (it was a colleague).
I don't know why but I wanted to know all the gory details, and he told me...stuff i think is pretty intimate sex stuff and 'special occasion' without going into TMI. The nice cherry on top is he was taking the Viagra because of 'confidence' and he doesn't like condoms. FFS!
Apparently it was over 3 weeks, 3 overnight stays in Premier Inn (classy). So that got me enraged and I slapped him properly across the face. But that was it. Nothing else. We're talking gently, calmly...I'm just very scared about carrying on as normal. How do people do it? There's loads of family gatherings building up to Xmas and we'll all have to turn up and pretend nothing's wrong. I guess today was reassuring in that I can 'contain' it and keep occupied.
What happens next? I can't talk to anyone we know -I don't feel I want to burden anyone with it or cause more drama. A big part of it, is I don't want to turn our friends and family against him - the wounds are big enough as it is. So I guess my question is: who can I talk to and has anyone come out the other side with their marriage still in tact?
Thank you xx

OP posts:
DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 07/12/2013 23:00

God OP, so sorry you're going through this.

I don't have much advice to give, but wanted to know youre not alone and someone will come along soon.

Are you sure you want to forgive him?

Will all be well with him working with her?

And I would go for a STI test - absolutely despicable that he put YOUR health at risk in his selfish little sex nights

ImperialBlether · 07/12/2013 23:02

I'm so sorry. I've been through this and tried to protect him, too. I don't know why I did that.

This is just the start, as I'm sure you know. You don't know the whole story now. You can't make decisions now.

I'm so sorry; the next few weeks will be really hard for you. Take care of yourself.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 07/12/2013 23:03

he didn't use protection ?

and there was anal sex ?

go for a STI test and fgs don't touch him with a barge pole. all this "calm talking" you are doing is not pillow talk is it ?

why are you carrying on as normal ? this is very far from normal

InTheRedCorner · 07/12/2013 23:07

Sadly been there. Please do ask him to book an STI test.

You will go through many phases of sadness and anger and such a shit time to be told something like this.

Original poster
Felixio · 07/12/2013 23:09

Thanks everyone - I really appreciate your reponses.

I believe he did use a condom, but from personal experience I know he finds it difficult...hence the drugs.

It could all be bollocks of course. He knows I won't be going anywhere near him for..well who knows?

He works away a lot (cliche cliche) and she's in one of his regional offices, so the contact will be minimal he tells me...oh and that it wasn't emotional or deep (so just screwing right?).

But for the most part, I'd rather talk than shout...although I'm sure there'll be days when I'll completely lose it again.

OP posts:
DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 07/12/2013 23:10

I tried the nice 'talking it through' approach. I thought it worked, I thought I was being mature and doing the right thing. I was wrong :(

ImperialBlether · 07/12/2013 23:12

OP, please google 'hysterical bonding.' It's the passionate sex that occurs after a revelation such as this. You will want to make your mark on him.

Knowing about this would have helped me in so many ways.

LifeMovesOn · 07/12/2013 23:33

Lord - it's like me all over....client in Devon, Premier Inn, doesn't want to lose me blah blah.

I too didn't want to tell our friends and family as didn't want them thinking bad of him Shock Dillisional was the word.

You really do need someone to talk to, or you will go mad.

I hope you work it out, if that's what you want.

Take care of yourself

HoneyandRum · 07/12/2013 23:47

I wouldn't try and keep a brave face or carry on a facade, the pressure will be too great over the Christmas period. I would bow out of as much as you can that would make you feel fake or anxious right now. You are in shock and will be for weeks if not months. Is there anyone you can talk to IRL?

mammadiggingdeep · 07/12/2013 23:55

Give yourself time is all I can say. From experience I can tell you you'll feel a billion thoughts and emotions over the next few months. Sometimes you'll swing from one thought to the polar opposite though in 3 minutes. It's tiring. Give yourself time to reflect on it all.

lizziesiddall · 07/12/2013 23:56

It's my first time posting on here, so please be gentle with me...my first thought is 'why did he leave his Viagra type meds for you to see in the bathroom?' Surely he would hide them somewhere if he didn't want to get found out; maybe I'm being too lenient on him here but as an attempt at infedelity it was pretty hamfisted and/or attention seeking.

He's still an idiot, obviously, but at least not a very cunning one.

I echo all the advice above... look after yourself.

Bogeyface · 07/12/2013 23:56

Imperial is bang on with Hysterical Bonding. Its like a Tom Cat pissing on its territory. I did it, I didnt know then that thats what it was, I just thought that we had reconnected. Of course, we hadnt.

Can marriages survive this? Yes. Did mine? No. We are still together out of necessity (v v long back story) but the marriage I am in now is not the marriage I entered into. It isnt even a marriage, it is a legal agreement that we are continuing because we must.

Your H is currently following the Cheaters Script. They all say the same things. One of 3 things will happen next. Either you are so grateful that he "chose" you (go to www.chumplady.com and go to the "pick me dance") that you will brush it under the carpet in which case it will never be mentioned again. Or you will dump him in which case it was all your fault because you didnt care enough, didnt pay him enough attention, didnt have sex often enough, didnt have the sex he wanted, paid too much attention to the kids...blah blah. Or you try and make it work and when he realises that he has to face up to what he did and the repercussions, it will be your fault because you didnt care enough, didnt pay him enough attention, didnt have sex often enough, didnt have the sex he wanted etc etc.

Knowing now what I didnt know then, I would walk away. This is one of those times when once chance is one chance too many. Forgive once and you will be shit on all over again because they assume that you will forgive again.

Sorry xxxx

Bogeyface · 07/12/2013 23:59

lizzie makes a good point.

He left them to be found and then 'fessed up straight away. That is where he has deviated from the Cheaters Script, normally they lie through their teeth!

I just wonder what he was hoping to achieve by being found out, if he doesnt want to lose his marriage?

Distrustinggirlnow · 08/12/2013 00:11

What is it about fucking Premier Inns....?Blush

So sorry this has happened to you. It is unusual for him to tell you everything at this stage. You may discover or he may reveal more meetings or sadly more ow, in the future.

It doesn't necessarily mean your marriage is over, but it will always now be different.

You will experience many different emotions over the coming weeks and months, some as you would expect, but others take you by surprise.

I talked it through with a counsellor whom I had access to. Personally I didn't feel able to talk to any of my friends about this. But I did need to talk to someone or I would've gone mad!!

Take care and PM me if you'd like to

CleopatrasAsp · 08/12/2013 00:13

Bogeyface I suspect he left such obvious evidence as he was trying to get the OP to indulge in 'special occasion' sex on a more regular basis - sort of: 'if you won't do it I'll have to find someone who will'. What a selfish tosspot.

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this, you must be so sad at the moment and so shocked. I honestly couldn't forgive this but if you decide that you can then I genuinely wish you luck. This man does not deserve you.

Mrscaindingle · 08/12/2013 00:25

He's not just deviated from the cheaters script by leaving evidence lying around, he also fessed up immediately which is unusual, almost as if he wanted to be found out.

Are you ok with him continuing to see this ow at work even if the contact is 'minimal'? It's a really shit time to find out all this but from my own experience if I hadn't had people to turn to in RL I would have gone mad and wouldn't have been able to keep myself together for DC.

Be kind to yourself as you will be in a state of shock Flowers

beaglesaresweet · 08/12/2013 00:28

some people can't live with the guilt, so he may have wanted to be founbd out and maybe punished in some way, to relieve the guilt. That's the best explanation. The worse option - some sort of resentment on his part towards OP so he wanted her to be hurt.

saffronwblue · 08/12/2013 00:30

You don't have to 'contain' this. You may do yourself damage by holding it as a secret. Poor you- it is very hard when it the mad run up to Christmas. Think about how you can take control of events.

Whatnext074 · 08/12/2013 00:35

some people can't live with the guilt, so he may have wanted to be found out and maybe punished in some way, to relieve the guilt. That's the best explanation

I agree with beagle. My H denied it for months and kept his phone close to him at all times but then I 'suddenly' found a diary he was writing in. I do think some men want to be found out to relieve their guilt.

So hard for you, I know. You will draw strength from people here but also in RL, are there a couple of friends you can confide in who won't judge?

Bogeyface · 08/12/2013 00:38

some people can't live with the guilt, so he may have wanted to be founbd out and maybe punished in some way, to relieve the guilt

Sorry but I disagree. After a one night stand then yes, I could see that. But several encounters over a few months? No sorry, I dont buy that.

lizziesiddall · 08/12/2013 00:55

Does he have erectile problems? To put it bluntly can he only get it up if it is to the arse? I say this because I am living with it, or rather working through it, or trying to, or something.

To be fair to my dh he has worked out for himself that four packets (no exaggeration) of Marlboro Red per day might have something to do with it and as we type is going through cold turkey.

Whatnext074 · 08/12/2013 00:58

I believe he did use a condom, but from personal experience I know he finds it difficult...hence the drugs.

Lizzie, OP explains the tablets use up thread.

Absolutelylost · 08/12/2013 01:34

*OP, please google 'hysterical bonding.' It's the passionate sex that occurs after a revelation such as this. You will want to make your mark on him.

Knowing about this would have helped me in so many ways*

Me too. .

hotblacktea · 08/12/2013 01:56

Sorry this is happening to you OP. Don't just buy the "maybe used a condom" line, go ahead with the STI test, you will need all your strength in the coming period and should at least have peace of mind about that.
It wasn't just a one night stand, it was a series of encounters; this man has shown nothing but contempt for you and your family. It's time to get angry !
What is your housing and work situation at the moment ? At the very least he should leave for a while and give you the space you need to think about the future of your marriage. I also think hiding this from everyone should not be your priority, he fucked up and you're the one that needs help and support now. So think about telling your closest friends or family, they may be able to help a great deal.

Vivacia · 08/12/2013 07:16

I'm also concerned about your plan to put up a front of a happy relationship over the next few weeks.

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