Today my husband told me he'd been sleeping with someone

[Felixio]

Hello. I don't come on here very often, but it was the first place I thought of. Think I may still be in shock, as feel quite numb and strong feelings only bubble up every so often.
I found some Viagra-type drugs in the bathroom and I asked him, quite jokingly if they were for us, and he just came straight out with it!
I didn't know how to react as it was just before I was about to teach a yoga class. I guess I just bottled it up and got on with the day.
We have 3 children and I felt immediately it was very important they didn't know anything was the matter. It was only when they went to bed a few hours ago that I really felt sick and started crying. Millions of questions and horrible scenarios in my head at the moment.
He's a guilty mess (quite right) and has been in tears saying he doesn't want to lose me, massive mistake, etc etc. Blaming it on work stress (it was a colleague).
I don't know why but I wanted to know all the gory details, and he told me...stuff i think is pretty intimate sex stuff and 'special occasion' without going into TMI. The nice cherry on top is he was taking the Viagra because of 'confidence' and he doesn't like condoms. FFS!
Apparently it was over 3 weeks, 3 overnight stays in Premier Inn (classy). So that got me enraged and I slapped him properly across the face. But that was it. Nothing else. We're talking gently, calmly...I'm just very scared about carrying on as normal. How do people do it? There's loads of family gatherings building up to Xmas and we'll all have to turn up and pretend nothing's wrong. I guess today was reassuring in that I can 'contain' it and keep occupied.
What happens next? I can't talk to anyone we know -I don't feel I want to burden anyone with it or cause more drama. A big part of it, is I don't want to turn our friends and family against him - the wounds are big enough as it is. So I guess my question is: who can I talk to and has anyone come out the other side with their marriage still in tact?
Thank you xx

Work stress?

My work is stressful and I don't shag my colleagues. Please don't buy that one.

Oh Flexio, hope you are ok this morning.
I was reading this thinking the same thing and Fanjo........I am super stressed about work and other things at the moment, but I'm definitely not shagging (or even thinking about it) my colleagues

it is also possible he wanted to get caught because he wants OP to actually throw him out so he can legitamately start a new relationship with OW

his "I want to stay" words just now may be because she has knocked him back, hasn't told her own partner yet or they they are simply biding their time until all the ducks are in a row

in which case, now you are going to STFU and keep up the facade of a functioning marriage, that suits him mighty fine and it's just a matter of time until he actually leaves

fgs, don't be one of those "ducks" and do not try to compete for this booby prize

Believe me - you won't be able to put up this facade of everything being ok.

You are in shock but once this numbness wears off, it will hit you - his betrayal, his lies and his deceit.

Please do tell someone in RL - you will need their support.

Get tested for STIs - you cannot take his word for it and condoms do not protect you from all STIs anyway.

Morning everyone.

This morning is pretty weird. I feel OK, but I had no sleep and am knackered. I'm trying to box it off again as we have to go to my aunties for lunch...something I cannot cancel unfortunately.

Really interesting reading - I appreciate your comments. I also understand the anger, especially from those of you who have taken things to their natural conclusion or it hasn't ended well.

I'm a trusting idiot, but also an optimist. It's very soon I realise and I should take it day by day. I believe he's being honest. I also believe he's a bit of a doofus and probably didn't know he'd left evidence (at least consciously). He's very relieved to have told me and I can tell he feels better about it..whereas I am a mess of course.

I do think there were a number of reasons he did it. He says work stress, but also 'companionship' apparently. He was also undergoing a disciplinary at work. All bollocks but that's what he's using to justify it I guess.

It's not my fault I know, but he was definitely harbouring resentment towards me. We have no money at the moment and I'm just starting my new business...which he outwardly supports but I know it pisses him off. We've always had a joint income, but since we've had number 3 working full time isn't a viable option for me. I looked up the classic signs of having an affair and quite a few were there: working away, getting angry really quickly, change in sexual behaviour (he was hornier than normal with me).

So today is another day. I will probably cry, get angry, feel worthless/unattractive, but I also have to be a mum, someone who's sociable and someone my children can still rely on. I know it will get harder as the day wears on. I can tell I'm burying it - if i think about it it hurts too much. So I just let my mind pass over it just to get through the day.

We will need to work it out more formally eventually, and I'm already investigating my own healing/counselling options, but I believe (at the moment) we can still have a marriage, but it will be a new one. The old one is dead.

Thanks again - this is really helping me x

same old story, my ex was the same. I would "catch" him with yet another "friend", then he would cry, and declare undying love.haha, lasted until the next one. if you can, get out as soon as possible, as your life will be totally screwed up. no more " chances" it will only happen again. poor you, begin to make your arrangements and build a new life for yourself. he won't change, only your reaction to him must change.i know how painful it is for you, but be brave, think logically, it is YOU who must change, a few months down the line, you will think, why oh why did I put up with his lies and abuse. go for it, make your escape plans.

I understand that you want to try again but he needs to be doing all the hard work in helping you recover.

He needs to work on himself to understand what was in him that gave him permission to have an affair and work on these flaws/issues. Until he does this, how will he stop himself from shagging a colleague next time he is stressed?

You may find reading Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends helpful. He needs to read this as well.

Remember that its very early days and there is no way you will be able to make long term decisions - you need to process your emotions first.

And remember that the only thing that motivates cheaters to change is loss...loss of his family, his wife, his home comforts etc. He needs to realise what is at stake here.

You're not a trusting idiot,you're entitled to believe dh us faithful
I have a stressful job but don't sleep with colleagues,nor do most others

As someone who works in a Hotel which is full of corporate regulars, I am confident in saying that he is not shagging her due to stress. He is shagging her because he CAN. Access. Away from home, noone ever need find out. Its easy. Its invisible, in as much as they can separate it from.their home life.

I have very very regular guests who request interconnecting bedrooms, have women call their rooms each evening (usually an hour after Ive already transferred Mrs Guest through to the room). We have guests who check in alone and without fail call down for champagne and two glasses. You get the picture.

Before working in a Hotel, I wouldnt have had a second thought about DH working away. Now.....well, much as I trust him, I see a LOT of lovely business men who no doubt love their families (they often bring their families up for the weekend) byt who sleep aroubd because they think/know they can get away with it.

Your.DH is sleepibg with her because he can - not because he is stressed

I just wan to say that it is ok to be optimistic and trusting and have a 'normal' run up to christmas if you want. You can leave it in the background until you wan to look at it late. You can do whatever you want to. There is no right and wrong, just the same s there is no set outcome. We may only know about the marriages that didn't get through because the successful ones never told about it.

Just make sure that you are doing what you want so that you are being genuine to yourself and taking care of what you need. Don't 'put on a show' if YOU would really rather blow it out in the open and let everyone know.

There is no 'need' to be angry I never have been, but have been separated 2yrs. But if you have anger don't internalise it work with it.

Look after yourself and be gentle to yourselfx

So sorry you are going through this.

He needs to put in the work to help you through this. He needs to work out why he gave himself permission to duck someone else.

I would second the recomendation of the Shirley Glass book. And he definitely needs to read it too.

Sadly I have had a similar experience. I did tell a few close family members and wished I hadn't as I often feel judged for staying and giving my marriage a chance and ny children a father. Time does heal, to a point but trust will probably always be an issue.. You could make an appointment with relate for someone anonomous to talk too. X

Cattie, I am sorry for your experiences but I have to pick you up on by you staying with a cheating man you are "giving your children a father"

They still have a father. He has been a shit husband but he is still their father. It may be your choice to stay with him, but it would be a poor one if you did it for the sake of the children. If he opted out of "being a father" if you ended your relationship, he is no "father" at all.

Your priority, now that you have found out that the person who you thought you could rely on most is a lying, cheat who doesn't give a shite about what is best for you, should NOT be protecting him.

If people think badly of him because he's behaved in a despicable way towards you, so fucking what?

Why is it your job not to access the support of people who actually DO put your interests first?

Seriously, for you to heal and him to genuinely come to some actual realisation of what a complete wanker he's been, you need to be able to talk to your friends.

He CAN'T help you deal with this trauma, since it was inflicted by him deliberately.

I am wondering if he has been seeing her a while, and has been under pressure to 'tell you' about them so that he can leave and be with her - as he has no doubt been telling her that he will.

Xmas is approaching and he probably told her ages ago that they would be together for xmas. But he still wants to have his cake and eat it, and the deadline looming made him panic. She may very well have said that if he doesn't tell you, then she will.

Instead of telling you that he is leaving, he leaves a thumping great clue in the bathroom for you to find so that he can 'confess' and then claim to feel relieved that its all out in the open etc etc.

If this is the case then he will not have to fear her 'telling' any more and that might be what he is relieved about - that and the fact that you have not thrown him out. Meanwhile he can keep stringing her along saying that he told you, but you are threatening to take the house, using the kids against him, taking him to the cleaners etc etc and that its not all as straightforward. He will be making out to her that he is complete martyr because he is being forced to live a lie and sacrifice his own happiness for the children's sake.

Of course while all this is going on, she will have been told that they'd better lay low for a while, but that she needn't worry, they will be together by easter/summer holidays/next Christmas.

Others are right. He should be begging and pleading and doing every single thing he can to prove that this was a mistake and he regrets it and won't do it again. But he isn't is he? He's expecting you to carry on as normal and brush it all under the carpet.

OP I get that Plan A is to try and work on your marriage. I hope you have a Plan B in the event you make further discoveries which reveal more. Because there is always more.

He's only sorry he got caught. Sounds irretrievable to me.

He's not even sorry he got caught.

He's relieved, which is a pretty odd reaction to devastating somebody you're supposed to love.

OP I am so sorry you are having to face this.

Yes it can work out if you stay together but be warned it is a very long road and maybe staying isn't the best thing. I know it has cost me more of myself than I wish to admit. I wish MN was around all those years ago.

Be kind to yourself and tell someone in RL you should not have to go through this alone.

Living is right in that there is often more than what comes out in the first big "reveal". Usually they tell us exactly, and no more, what they think they can get away with. We know they have been sending texts and emails, so it was just flirting. Then you find out he stayed in a hotel with her, so he admits that but says that they didnt have sex. Then you find out that they did in fact have sex, but will swear it only happened once. And so on....

I agree that it would be advisable to steel yourself for more revelations, and possibly contact from OW. Dont assume at this stage that you know everything, it is very likely that you dont.

Am so sorry that you are going through this, those of us who have trod that same path are here with you.

Thanks everyone again. I can't tell you how helpful this is.

I literally have to box it off all day as I teach in the mornings, and then I have my 2 year old, and then I do the school run and then it's dinner time and lifts to dancing classes. You get the picture. It's only now this time of evening that I can even contemplate thinking about it.

Today I got angry. Today I was pretty fucking angry and felt a great sense of injustice. I can't leave the house whenever I like. I have no real freedom to speak of...I'm never on my own. It was doing the laundry. I just thought - she doesn't have to sort his bloody socks out.

I totally understand talking to someone in my family or close friends would be a good thing, but I just don't feel ready. I still have this overriding feeling that I don't want to cause a fuss - you know bother anyone else with it. And yes, there's a part of me that doesn't want him to be reviled and rejected as despite everything I still love him. God I sound like one of those women who I always shout at when they're on the TV.

It's quite bizarre. I always thought I'd react differently - you know throwing plates, chucking his clothes onto the front lawn, but I haven't. I don't feel at the moment like I want to. I have to be 'normal' because for one thing I don't want to ruin Christmas for everyone else.

I'm on my 2nd martini, and I'm going to take a sleeping tablet tonight. Just one don't worry. But I don't like my dreams, and I'm not sleeping well so I just want some complete rest. I'm not on self-destruct. I wanted to practice my yoga today as I know that really helps, but Thomas the Tank Engine on repeat won out.

I'm so flattered that anyone is even replying, despite whether I agree with what you're saying at the moment. It's a good feeling. Thanks again.