Today my husband told me he'd been sleeping with someone

[Felixio]

Hello. I don't come on here very often, but it was the first place I thought of. Think I may still be in shock, as feel quite numb and strong feelings only bubble up every so often.
I found some Viagra-type drugs in the bathroom and I asked him, quite jokingly if they were for us, and he just came straight out with it!
I didn't know how to react as it was just before I was about to teach a yoga class. I guess I just bottled it up and got on with the day.
We have 3 children and I felt immediately it was very important they didn't know anything was the matter. It was only when they went to bed a few hours ago that I really felt sick and started crying. Millions of questions and horrible scenarios in my head at the moment.
He's a guilty mess (quite right) and has been in tears saying he doesn't want to lose me, massive mistake, etc etc. Blaming it on work stress (it was a colleague).
I don't know why but I wanted to know all the gory details, and he told me...stuff i think is pretty intimate sex stuff and 'special occasion' without going into TMI. The nice cherry on top is he was taking the Viagra because of 'confidence' and he doesn't like condoms. FFS!
Apparently it was over 3 weeks, 3 overnight stays in Premier Inn (classy). So that got me enraged and I slapped him properly across the face. But that was it. Nothing else. We're talking gently, calmly...I'm just very scared about carrying on as normal. How do people do it? There's loads of family gatherings building up to Xmas and we'll all have to turn up and pretend nothing's wrong. I guess today was reassuring in that I can 'contain' it and keep occupied.
What happens next? I can't talk to anyone we know -I don't feel I want to burden anyone with it or cause more drama. A big part of it, is I don't want to turn our friends and family against him - the wounds are big enough as it is. So I guess my question is: who can I talk to and has anyone come out the other side with their marriage still in tact?
Thank you xx

Felixio he wanted to get caught. That is why he is relieved.

I've been on both sides of an affair and while people can get sloppy, they tend to be very, very careful about what they do in order to not leave clues behind. They do not do stupid things like leave herbal viagra in a shared bathroom if they don't want to get caught.

When they are caught they deny and minimise. It was inappropriate flirtation, a kiss, sharing a taxi, sharing a bed. Eventually after many false leads you'll get to the sex. They do not come straight out with the fact that they slept with the person three times.

What you need to do is ascertain why he wanted you to find out. Either he wants to leave and is hoping you'll throw him out or he'd worked himself into a guilty state and wanted to unburden on you.

I just thought - she doesn't have to sort his bloody socks out
Neither do you! There is no rule that says you have to do anything, and certainly not after he has admitted an affair. I suggest that step one in reclaiming your self and your life is stop doing his chores for him. He has no clean shirts? Not your problem. He is home late and hungry? He knows where the chippy is.

I'm on my 2nd martini, and I'm going to take a sleeping tablet tonight

What sort of tablets are they? Could you let me know the name on the bottle? Most prescribed sleeping tablets react very badly with alcohol, it will say in the information leaflet, so please please dont drink and take a tablet.

Yes, really, stop sorting out his socks and pants FFS.

He's just shat all over you from a great height because he fancied it, he can wash his own smalls.

And also, the self-medicating so you can continue carrying on with life as normal and not "spoil everyone's Christmas"?

WTF?!

YOU haven't spoiled ANYTHING.

The stupid, faithless, lying prick you live with has spoiled your entire life.

Bollocks to Christmas and yoga and keeping everything going.

You are a human being. You are allowed to face this crisis in your life on your own terms and not just swallow it all down and keep going for everyone else's sake.

I'm a bit stressed at work at the moment - didn't realise I could start shagging my colleagues to feel better?

How wonderful for him, that now you know so HE feels so much better about the situation!! You've done him such a favour - he probably thinks it will all be sorted in time for Xmas

Please don't put yourself last in this picture Felixio - what is he doing to help and support YOU at the moment? You know - as you try to keep running the family all the while processing that the man you love has been relaxing himself by fucking other women.

You may not want to cut the crotch out of all his pants Felixio, but you sure as hell can leave him to wash his own bloody clothes for a while.

I really think that you should let him go. Let him face the reality of owning up to what he's done, let him experience the consequences of his actions.

If he goes to her then you know the truth and, if that's the case, it's better done sooner rather than later.

If he wants to repair his relationship with you then he should really feel that he might lose you. He may sound sorry now, but not half as sorry as he'll be if you tell him it's over.

Ask him to move out to give you some space and a chance to think things over so that you don't feel pressured to 'perform' or make any big decisions too soon.

Totally agree, let him go, better still make him go.
Sod xmas, apart from the dc obviously. It is he who has ruined his family, not you.
let him look after himself for a while, let him stew, give yourself time before making a decision.
Sorry, this is happening to you, he's a shit.

Why on earth are you doing his chores for him?

No wonder he feels entitled to shag around if he gets to have his cake and eat it. He's not feeling the consequences isn't he?

Now is the time when you need to put yourself first - not him. Get some RL support - self medicating with drugs and alcohol is not the best way of dealing with this, you have DC to think of.

Good morning OP, how are you today?

I was thinking about you earlier, and your husband who thinks that now he has fessed up, his life can go on as normal.

Your marriage is shattered. He broke it into a million pieces and does not seem to be supporting you as you sit among all the broken pieces.

You need to give him hell and stop worrying about his feelings and what other people think. If you don't bottom this out now it will fester and your marriage will be in a much worse state a few weeks down the line.

Or perhaps that's his plan? Is he still in contact with this person through work? If so I don't know how he goes off for work each morning without you turning into a screaming banshee. It just seems to be only you that is suffering, while he feels relieved.

his life can go on as normal

Yes, he's been having his cake and eating it, and the only difficulty was having to keep you in the dark. Now that he's told you, it's off his chest and he can breath a big sigh of relief.

How are you feeling? What's the state of play?

Hello everyone.

I'm self-employed, so need to carry on teaching for the money and actually it really does help me forget about things for a while so I don't mind doing it. It's just when I get home that things aren't so good - pretty dark actually.

I slept fine last night and decided not to take anything as it probably wasn't the best idea. But when I woke up it's like, urgh, remembering all over again. We're still sharing a bed, and I'm sorry to say I find his presence welcome as opposed to unbearable. A hug is a hug as far as I'm concerned and I need lots of them...

I'm not getting much support or contact from him otherwise as he's still working all hours and only getting home late (it was 9.30pm last night) as he works in the Midlands and we're in the NW. So I gave him hell on the phone last night as he was handsfree!

I realise it make logical sense for me to screw Christmas and tell someone close, but please believe me when I say I don't want that yet, not because of some martyrdom, but because I don't think it will be fair on the children. In January the roof can fall in, but not now and not yet.

Tbh I don't think it's fully sunk in. I don't think my anger has reached a point where I don't want him in the house. That may well happen, but it doesn't feel like the right thing to do at the mo. I want to find out more about his reasons, and get him to understand the havoc he has wreaked, let him see what someone who has been utterly heartbroken looks like. Not doing his laundry or meals - yep I can easily sort that one :)

He doesn't have much contact with the OW apparently (everything is 'apparently' now) - she's in a different region, so think that's why Premier Inns were convenient. He says he's going to start looking for another job. Oh yes, and he's not having any more overnight stays as 'he wants to be with me'. Hmm. I'm pretty used to him not being around - for the whole first year of my youngest' life he lived in London and only came home at the weekends. So colic was fun. And then he gets a new post which is only slightly better as it's the Midlands so that's one or two nights away/week. I guess the point I'm making is that I'm pretty self-sufficient and don't actually NEED him here. One of the things I worry about it the finances - if he goes will he still have to contribute to the bills and house costs? I don't have any money really...

Thoughts for another day I guess. I'm going to try some counselling first (on my own) and see if that can help me see clearly. I don't want to make any knee-jerk decisions yet - I want to listen to my instincts and at the moment they're telling me to take it day by day.

Thank you x

I want to find out more about his reasons, and get him to understand the havoc he has wreaked, let him see what someone who has been utterly heartbroken looks like

Sorry but given he is still in touch with OW, he is so into his affair bubble and self denial means that he is not capable of giving you valid reasons and anyway the reason why people cheat is to boost their self esteem.

He will not see you as being heartbroken - he will probably see you as a deranged unbalanced bitter wife and will use this as justification for his cheating behaviour.

It sounds to me that neither of you can really sit down and talk honestly, you need to talk about your anger towards him and what he has done and him actually realising how much he has hurt you, it's almost like, I've done this, okay, can we just move on now - sounds very superficial and impossible to actually do.

I can't actually believe your sorting out his socks and not even talking to anyone, you're basically carrying his dirty secret when you are innocent, please talk to a friend, anyone who can give you some support, it's so unfair for you to suffer any more, it doesn't have to mean the kids xmas is ruined.

From your actions so far, he's pretty much getting off Scot free, giving him a really bad sign that it's ok, if he normally works away how do you know it's even the first time - bad enough he has done this but even worse that he seems to be leaving you in the shit with no support from him whatsoever - if you really think he is worth keeping at least make him prove to you that he thinks the same about you.

He sounds horrible op. he went out of his way to get Viagra so he could fuck his girlfriend. He may still be in contact with her. Nothing has changed for him at all except he probably feels a bit better because 'at least he's being honest'

I can understand how you just want to get through Christmas for the children. I also think that you are still reeling from the shock and only able to deal with a little of the emotional fallout at a time. That's ok.

The coming weeks and months will be difficult, whatever you decide to do but the most important thing is that you are now in charge. You control the pace and if you are not ready for big changes yet, you can tackle them when you are ready.

This does not mean that it is all over with and forgotten. You will need to keep coming back to this. I do think that it would be good to have some rl support though. The more you bottle it up, the harder it will be to confront the problem.

He has worked away while you had small children, he now works in the midlands while you live in the North West and is rolling home at 9.30pm?

That's utterly bonkers. I live in the northwest and don't know anyone at all who would consider commuting to the midlands. He's really had his cake and eaten it hasn't he, working away, then pretending to move closer but still having his couple of nights away during the week.

Their relationship is not over, he is seeing her after work yet telling you that he is working all hours. He must be 'working' till 7.30pm at least to only be getting home at 9.30 as the roads would be pretty clear by then.

Honestly, he has a 2-3 hour commute each way? You are a single parent already, just dump him.

HE HAS RUINED CHRISTMAS. You need to tell someone. Stop hugging him. I am in the northwest PM me I'll come round and give you a hug.
really, where are you? I can meet up with you if you want someone to offload to. I worked for 10 years in an industry where a lot of the men worked away from home because it suited them for various reasons. I've heard every reason under the sun and unfortunately every excuse they give to both the wives and the girlfriends they keep near the job.

He is living a single life while having you doing all the domestic drudge. Let him go. Boot him out on Christmas eve. I'd buy a ticket to watch that ;-)

I think its OK to take all the hugs you can if they are getting you through. I did for a few months as I waited for my new house to be ready. We are all different and OP is doing things as she wants at her own pace. There is no 'have to' about any of this, only what OP wants to do is right for her.

Hi
So sorry you're going through this. I am in a similar situation having discovered my OHs infidelities around 3 weeks ago.

I completely understand not wanting to tell friends or family. I avoided mine for the first week as i didnt know what to tell them or what i WANTED them to know as i hadnt yet decided for myself what i was going to do. Telling my friends and family would turn them against him, understandably because they love me, and i wanted to make the decision for myself.

I did see a counsellor and did alot of reading on line about recovery. Know that this is not the time to make decisions. You need to take care of yourself and your children. Over time, you will know what you want to do.

You do not need to decide to leave or to reconcile until you are ready to make those decisions. I recommend reading the book "After the affair" which was recommended to me by a therapist, it was very helpful. Please note i found it really focused on reconciling which i found a bit difficult but it was very helpful either way.

best of luck to you