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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure how he feels. Wwyd?

63 replies

Santaclaws · 07/12/2013 09:21

What do you do if you have been seeing a man for a few months and feel you have fallen for him but don't think he is in the same place as yourself. He's nice to you, time together is enjoyable, you see eachother fairly regularly, but you just know he's not falling for you as much or as quickly as you are him.

I am new to dating again after a long marriage and a relationship lasting several years and I hate this teenage feeling of being insecure and not quite knowing where you stand or if it will lead anywhere. I'm no spring chicken and tbh I don't want to waste time if somebody's never going to feel that way about me.

So do I give it time? Can things grow slowly? Or do I move on? ( not that I really want to )

OP posts:
Mrswellyboot · 07/12/2013 09:26

I do believe in going by your gut. You seem to think his heart is not in in. I was with someone for five years who deep down I knew he wasn't going to go the distance.

However ' months ' is not long. I would busy myself, get out with friends and play it causal. If you start asking where it's going this early he will run for the hills.

akawisey · 07/12/2013 09:26

How many months is a few? And what makes you think you're not on the same page emotionally, what clues has he given you?

Monetbyhimself · 07/12/2013 09:32

How many people have you dated since your split? Is he the first ?

Original poster
Santaclaws · 07/12/2013 09:35

Four months. I think it's things like he is not so affectionate towards me as I am him. I like lots of touching, hugging and kissing, he seems to holdback a bit from me sometimes. I might be wrong but sometimes I feel I'm invading his space so I now find myself holding back. I'm not sure if my previous relationship has influenced the way I am because even up till the day we split up we were always touchy, feely.

I could happily see him every night but I know he wouldn't want to as he has said he likes time to himself. Thing is I'm pretty sure he doesn't go out, he just stays in alone, so we are both sitting at home alone but i dont feel he is not trustworthy.But again i might be comparing it to my previous relationship where we spent every spare minute together pretty much.

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Original poster
Santaclaws · 07/12/2013 09:37

Yes he's the first since the split. But as I really like him and we have nice times when together I don't see the point of dating loads of people. I don't think he would actually see me anymore if I saw other people and vice versa

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/12/2013 09:40

Giving it time is just wasting time. Expecting someone to change is a vain hope. You either take it on face value and treat it as casually as he does or you cut your losses and move on. Don't stay in a relationship where you've got far more invested than the other person and simply hope they eventually see the light. It's a vulnerable and miserable position.

Aeroaddict · 07/12/2013 09:41

What you have described could mean he is not as keen as you, or just that he is more reserved and doesn't show it as much. Four months is very early days.

As I think someone else said I would try to make sure you have other things going on in your life so everything doesn't depend on this relationship, then relax for a bit and just see how it goes. If it is just that he is less demonstrative are you going to be OK with that long term though, or will it always leave you feeling insecure?

Thymeout · 07/12/2013 09:49

I don't know how he feels about you emotionally, but it does sound as if you're two very different personalities. I think he'd find the degree of togetherness you need would make him feel hemmed in, and you would always feel a bit insecure in the relationship.

Nothing wrong with either of you. Just different.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 07/12/2013 09:52

There is a 3rd option. Ask him, then make your decision to give it longer or hop off

Original poster
Santaclaws · 07/12/2013 09:54

Yes it's difficult to really know. I mean he treats me well and it could be I am just expecting him to behave in the same way as I do, or in the same way as my ex did. I stayed at his house all last week as I was on a course in a nearby town. I was quite nervous about asking him and (in my view) didn't look overly enthusiastic at first, but he did say it was ok. He made me really welcome, buying me some nice bubble bath, lots of choice of food to make sandwiches for my lunch. Cooked for me each evening and made my breakfast. When I left last night he said he didn't think I'd enjoy staying there( not as comfortable as my house) but that it had been nice week and now he knows I'm ok there we could stay at his at weekends more often, rather than mine every time

So why am I worrying??

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Anniegetyourgun · 07/12/2013 10:05

I must admit to being more like the gentleman in this case, liking space and not (what I see as) excessive physical contact. I would feel a bit smothered with someone who wanted to be hugging all the time. You are not smothering at all but showing consideration for his preference, which is nice. However, you are in turn feeling a bit rejected through lack of it, so I hope he is meeting you half-way at times. I doubt he is ever going to turn into octopus man however much he loves you, but if he is constantly pushing you away it is understandably hurtful.

Supposing he does fall for you too in time (and four months is early days for many), but just is not a touchy-feely person and there is always that reserve and need for time out, how do you think you would manage? If you are the sort of person who needs a lot of physical contact, this is unlikely to ever be the relationship for you - no disgrace on either side - just two nice but different people with incompatible desires. The best thing in this case would be to walk away, painful though that would be, before you fall for him even more.

However, could it be that you are expecting the lots of cuddles etc because it is what you are used to - what you think relationships ought to be like - and could you get used to, even enjoy, a slightly more distant one? It doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care, just that he may not show it in the same way.

Anniegetyourgun · 07/12/2013 10:07

Ha, took so long tweaking every word that I cross-posted with you saying the same thing about your expectations.

I couldn't tell you whether he cares or not, but the effort he went to to make you welcome does make him sound very nice. No wonder you are smitten.

Original poster
Santaclaws · 07/12/2013 10:17

annie yes I think it might be because its what I think a relationship OUGHT to be like. Me and previous partner never sat separately always had arms round eachother, it was very physical. But he didn't always treat me very well in other ways and I didn't always feel over because of that.

I guess what I'm asking is, can somebody love and care for you and want you yet not be so physical? Does it always follow that they don't feel much for you if they are not like that?
That sounds really silly now I've written it down. I suppose I'm wanting the secure feeling you get in a long term relationship but its too new to have that

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Original poster
Santaclaws · 07/12/2013 10:19

Yes annie he's lovely and I can't help falling for him, plus he does all this and doesn't expect anything in return unlike previous relationships I've had who will harp on about what they've done all the time

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Original poster
Santaclaws · 07/12/2013 10:22

Just gotta say that the fact he even thought about sandwiches for me because he knows I take them everyday really impressed me

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nitrox · 07/12/2013 10:24

I'm not a cuddles person, my boyfriend is.. It doesn't bother me too much but I have to "remember" to cuddle him but for him he seems to do it all the time because he wants to, not because he feels he has to. I do love him but I'm more practical in showing my affection, rather than emotional.

I like my own space too.

I think you are just different types of people, try not to see it as him not liking you.

If I didn't like someone I wouldn't be able to kiss/cuddle etc at all, so maybe he's doing his best/what's normal for him.

On the other hand, if it's making you insecure then maybe it's not the right relationship for you? My boyfriend is a little needy and insecure and sometimes I think cuddly people are like that to get constant reassurance that everything is ok.. more confident people don't need that affirmation. (No offence intended there).

nitrox · 07/12/2013 10:25

Oh, and my boyfriend can be a very hurtful twunt in an argument, so cuddly and kissy people don't necessarily make the best partners ha.

Original poster
Santaclaws · 07/12/2013 10:32

nitrox yes my "affectionate" ex was a hurtful twunt quite often and quite controlling

I think you are right that cuddly people are that way to get reassurance everything is ok. He rarely instigate a hug or kiss it usually me. Sometimes I wish he would just grab me, I have t o physically stop myself grabbing him all the time as I don't want invade his space too much

I don't think he is overly confident as a person though, but I think he is confident about how I feel about him so maybe therein lies he difference

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nitrox · 07/12/2013 10:49

I like that my boyfriend is a cuddly person, as odd as that sounds.. my ex wasn't and we drifted apart as neither of us made the effort to initiate cuddles and kisses. At least this way at least you are keeping things going Smile

If it helps, my lack of cuddles doesn't go hand in hand with how I feel in a relationship. Look out for the little things, like the sandwiches you mentioned for affirmation of his love for you.

They do say, opposites attract Grin

He sounds like a keeper to me, might just take you both time to relax into a new situation.

I know after nearly 5 yrs I'm slowly starting to open up and be more affectionate on impulse.

Anniegetyourgun · 07/12/2013 10:54

Hmm, maybe, but the sandwich thing could be just a sign that he is a very good host (which is, of course, a good thing in itself). If he's still doing it when you've been living together for 5 years, have put on weight and got your curlers in, that's love!

Twinklestein · 07/12/2013 11:01

I dunno, I wouldn't want to stay with someone who didn't look 'overly enthusiastic' about the prospect. When he said he didn't think you'd enjoy staying there I reckon he was talking about himself. Now he knows he's ok with it you can stay over more, he obviously enjoyed it more than he thought.

Honestly, I think he's always going to be lukewarm and distant. He's likely always been a bit of a loner. Some people just struggle being around other people.

Staying in a relationship hoping for change is a waste of time imo, this is as good as it's going to get.

Original poster
Santaclaws · 07/12/2013 11:09

He asked me last week if I saw us as just something for a few months or was I wanting something longer term. I didn't give a straight reply because if I'd said longer term I was scared he would think I was too serious and if I said short term he might worry bout being hurt ( he was badly hurt in last relationship) so I said I couldn't win whatever I said

I asked him and he too then tried to skirt around it. I eventually said I wasn't thinking of only a few months and I think he said neither was he, but it was all quite confusing because I had it it my mind he was trying to warn me that he wasn't serious about me but I could have been just panicking. What worries me is that although he said he wasn't in for short fling he also said he'd be mad to tell me if he was because I'd probably leave then. Then again I had virtually said the same thing to him first

Is he also wondering about the relationship? Would he even bring it up if he was just enjoying a fling? He has told me he's not the type that just has flings and bed hops. I'm getting my knickers in a twist because I really like this man

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Original poster
Santaclaws · 07/12/2013 11:12

twinkle I stayed there because if I'm honest for selfish reasons it helped me out no end with the travelling but also nice to be with him of course.

Also I did have my doubts when he didn't jump at the idea but the next day he came round and was saying he had been planning things for us to do, meals out ect so I felt better about it

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CajaDeLaMemoria · 07/12/2013 11:16

It sounds like neither of you know where you stand - and you made that a lot worse by not answering his question!

He wouldn't have asked where you saw things going if he didn't intend it to be longterm. To be frank, he wouldn't care, in that scenario. He'd just enjoy it while it lasted.

I think this mainly comes down to him being different to what you are used too - less visually enthusiastic, less physical, but perhaps more thoughtful and caring? And you'll get used to that.

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie · 07/12/2013 11:18

After a relationship which left you disillusioned and hurt I would normally say, allow yourself the freedom to cut loose before things get complicated if you see any repeated pattern.

In this case your new partner sounds thoughtful and considerate. He's not physically demonstrative, he might be 'old school' in terms of big gestures and superficial fuss, but solid, trustworthy. If he's not setting your world on fire he may not be the man you expected you were looking for but he might be a better bet.