Not sure how he feels. Wwyd?

[Santaclaws]

What do you do if you have been seeing a man for a few months and feel you have fallen for him but don't think he is in the same place as yourself. He's nice to you, time together is enjoyable, you see eachother fairly regularly, but you just know he's not falling for you as much or as quickly as you are him.

I am new to dating again after a long marriage and a relationship lasting several years and I hate this teenage feeling of being insecure and not quite knowing where you stand or if it will lead anywhere. I'm no spring chicken and tbh I don't want to waste time if somebody's never going to feel that way about me.

So do I give it time? Can things grow slowly? Or do I move on? ( not that I really want to )

allofaflumble it's hard isnt it to know this early on whether it is going to lead anywhere. I am not young anymore and don't have time to waste four or six more years with something not leading anywhere. I will give it a bit longer though as its very early days

I think what has set alarms ringing in my head is that the first few weeks he appeared to be head over heels over me and telling me so then it's almost like he has scared himself and calmed down a lot. I'm not really sorry about this because it needed to slow down, I just hope he's not a commitment phobe

I really wish you the best of luck. Just make sure you take your happiness as seriously as his. I could write a book about the "strangeness" of my relationship! Like you I am an older lady and I have sadly wasted a lot of time.

I think because my man was nice in comparison to the other people I have had relationships with, that I felt I should hang in there and he would come to find me worth committing too. In the end I did not want him anyway.

I strongly recommend a book called "Get Rid of Him" by Joyce Vedral. You can prob get it off Amazon for a penny or not much. How I wish I had taken her words and acted on them! Even if you don't the book is very amusing when you read about all the "interesting" men in it!!

Take care and big hug x

Thank you and I will have a look for that book. This man appears to be really nice as well, but he doesn't appear to have committed to anyone properly since the end of his marriage well over 14 yrs ago. He's had relationships even lived with someone for a while. Wish I didn't like him so much as its scary

I think his behaviour is just fine- often times you do end up a bit giddy for the first few dates then back off a bit while you think 'is this the right person' and then move forward- I think it is too much to have expected him to have decided how it is going to work out, I certainly hadn't decided my husband was the one after four months, more like a year and a half when I'd seen him in lots more situations, more at home, and when I got ill- the everyday stuff of life.

If you are still wary after another few months, that's different, but at the moment, the proof you should be together is whether you are together and happy with it- if that's true then I wouldn't push anything as he may be working out how he feels (which seems positive and caring and moving forward) and you can also do the same and take your time to decide if he's right for you.

Is playing hard to get an option..?

Thank you mumsy you've helped put things in perspective a little. We both got a bit carried away in the first couple of weeks it was so exciting that we both really liked eachother, now it's a lot calmer but its good when we are together. We normally see eachother for most or all of every weekend and one or two weeknights depending on when I'm working. Which really is perfectly reasonable as we live half hours drive from eachother

The way you have described it and spending quite a lot of time together (I think) considering it has only been four months, it all sounds pretty positive to me.

Maybe he is just a little reserved and quite likes you being the cuddly one?

Either way, it is early to be making a decision about anything. I would have thought 18 months would be a more realistic amount of time to have to make a decision between you. Easier said than done!

Try and fill your life with other things you enjoy to take the focus off him. I think sometimes we just want to wrap things up so we can avoid being hurt but it is worth giving things a good chance.

I know I said I felt I had wasted a lot of time, but there was an awful lot of good about my relationship too and we are always learning.

allofaflumble I think you are right, it's a case of wanting things wrapped up one way or another so as not to get hurt. I know I wish I could jump forward a year to see how things have panned out or not. Obviously I will have to grow some patience :)

Fast forward a year and you may be complaining about his snoring!! ;)

yes I might be. At the moment all I can think is he's so sweet, I've got it bad havent I. Help its scary

18 months?

My husband asked me about a month after we first met how I felt about him because he was falling in love, and if I wasn't serious about him, he needed to stop.

My parents met and got married within a year.

I cannot imagine giving 18 months of my life to anything without having a fair idea where it's going.

twinkle he has said to me he was falling for me during the first couple of weeks and if I didn't feel the same he'd prefer I told him sooner rather than later. However as I said a bit further back on this thread it was almost like he'd scared himself in the first few weeks and pulled back ( or so I'm assuming)

Twinkle how lovely to hear both about you and your parents.

Yeah maybe 18 months is a bit too long! I was just thinking maybe it takes that long to see if you are compatible. A year max?

Would love to have had your experience, and for what it is worth you are most probably right. :)