Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure how he feels. Wwyd?

63 replies

Santaclaws · 07/12/2013 09:21

What do you do if you have been seeing a man for a few months and feel you have fallen for him but don't think he is in the same place as yourself. He's nice to you, time together is enjoyable, you see eachother fairly regularly, but you just know he's not falling for you as much or as quickly as you are him.

I am new to dating again after a long marriage and a relationship lasting several years and I hate this teenage feeling of being insecure and not quite knowing where you stand or if it will lead anywhere. I'm no spring chicken and tbh I don't want to waste time if somebody's never going to feel that way about me.

So do I give it time? Can things grow slowly? Or do I move on? ( not that I really want to )

OP posts:
Original poster
Santaclaws · 07/12/2013 11:22

caja that is what I have thought, that he wouldn't have raised the subject if he wasn't thinking long term himself. Then I looked at it from a different pov. Maybe he raised it because he can see how I'm involved and he's wanting to let me know he isn't seeing it that way

OP posts:
Original poster
Santaclaws · 07/12/2013 11:24

donkey he is what I want, he does set my world on fire in his way and that's fine by me. I want somebody trustworthy thoughtful and reliable plus I'm attracted to him physically. I'm just terrified of getting hurt if he's not feeling the same as me

OP posts:
unadulterateddad · 07/12/2013 11:25

you said he'd been badly hurt before and so is probably being very cautious about committing.
It sound like your both nervous and worrying about things unnecessarily.

give yourselves time to figure out if it works, when you've both relaxed and got used to each other it might feel different.

akawisey · 07/12/2013 11:27

Or. Can you raise the subject again in a "Hey X I thought about what you asked the other day about what I'm looking for with you…." and then re-visit it?

If you're both skirting around the subject the potential for misunderstanding is huge. It isn't necessary. Just ask, say what you truthfully feel and he'll let you know how he's feeling/what he wants if he's as considerate as he sounds.

Original poster
Santaclaws · 07/12/2013 11:29

He has been badly let down twice. First time was many years ago but altered his life regarding his children and marriage. Then his long term relationship broke down a couple of years ago and he was a bit of a wreak by his own admission.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 07/12/2013 11:32

It's perfectly normal for you to want to spend time with a bf of a few months, of course if you're working near him it makes sense to stay. It's not normal for a bf of only a few months not to jump at the chance of seeing more of you.

If you think he's trying to warn you that he's not serious, then he may well be. That tallies with your send that he's not as into this as you are. When he said that he'd be mad to tell you if he was only in it for a short fling otherwise you'd leave, I think he's telling you his MO.

I would ask him straight out if this is short term for him and ask him to be honest.

Roussette · 07/12/2013 11:34

It sounds to me like you are over thinking the whole relationship. Can you not just take it a day/week at a time without trying to put the relationship into a box marked "permanent ongoing" or "short term possibly" or something else. Sometimes things need to evolve naturally without being labelled.

Twinklestein · 07/12/2013 11:35

Sense not send ^

Twinklestein · 07/12/2013 11:39

He wouldn't have asked where you saw things going if he didn't intend it to be longterm. To be frank, he wouldn't care, in that scenario. He'd just enjoy it while it lasted.

Don't agree at all. He may be asking because he wants to know if they're on the same page. If he's thinking short term, and the OP says the same they can just carry on in a non serious way. If she said long term then he might feel he'd have to end it. You really can't tell from the question.

nitrox · 07/12/2013 11:44

I would just ask him... you won't know any other way as he's obviously concerned himself too.

Can you have a drink and then just blurt out that you like him a lot and want to know that he feels the same?

I know it's scary, but if he says he feels the same then great! If he says he doesn't then at least you know and can start looking for someone else.

Original poster
Santaclaws · 07/12/2013 11:46

I feel I might need to end it because I have a fear its only me that's serious about him and its horrible. I wish I could just enjoy it but I don't want to get hurt any more than necessary. It's so hard

OP posts:
Original poster
Santaclaws · 07/12/2013 11:51

nitrox I think he may have raised the question because we had a bit of a tiff/ misunderstanding and when we got back in contact after a few days I text and said that it appeared the relationship was over and I wanted to clear the air and maybe we should just be friends ( am I mad!) He said he would come over to chat the next night, but we never really talked about the issue just joked about the misunderstanding and carried on where we left off. It was a few nights later that he asked me that question

OP posts:
Original poster
Santaclaws · 07/12/2013 11:52

He said he thought that's we were heading when we had the misunderstanding and I sent that text

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 07/12/2013 11:57

I am beginning to feel sorry for this man. He sounds cautious but that's not surprising if had past relationships that hurt him badly. The bubble bath buying and sandwich fillings is so lovely and thoughtful. He was obviously thinking of you lots.

I think you need to take a deep breath.
Stop overanalysing everything.
Stop playing games.
Be honest. Say you think you really into him and enjoy bejng with him (if you do) and makes you happy. And although its all newish that you want it to continue.
Try to actually build a relationship and have fun. It's only 4months in. If you are being too hard work and focusing on the future and not the now, it might put him off.

Anniegetyourgun · 07/12/2013 11:59

Well don't just end it out of the blue, at least talk to the man. If you don't like the answers, or are fairly sure you can't trust the answers, then it's time to walk away before you get even more attached. There are no guarantees with relationships anyway, you do have to take some risks along the way, but some bets are better than others.

Just know, though, that the courtesy and consideration with which he treats you are only what you should expect from any decent partner. He has shown you how you ought to be treated. Settle for no less in future!

Original poster
Santaclaws · 07/12/2013 12:03

pancake I did tell him that I wasn't looking short term and wasn't looking to go from relationship to relationship. I believe he knows how I feel about him. I agree I need to stop analysing, I'm not deliberately playing games, I think I'm going into a self protection mode. I don't think I've cared for anyone as much as this, certainly not so early on and I'm scared. I can't let him know too much or probably scare him off so I hold back

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 07/12/2013 12:36

I don't think you can scare off someone who is serious about you, by liking them.

It's natural at this point, 4 months in, to want to know whether to get in deeper. I would be completely honest with him and say you don't want to get in any deeper if he's not serious, and ask him to be honest with you.

It's better to know the truth now, than not say anything for fear of rocking the boat, and then being dumped further down the line, when you're even deeper in.

If it turns out that you're both in it for the longer term then you can relax and enjoy yourselves.

Original poster
Santaclaws · 07/12/2013 13:08

I think I already know that he's not serious but on the other hand surely hats not unusual for four months in. A few things have happened between us which has given me this feeling of not knowing quite where I am. I think if I bring the subject up he will be non committal or I won't see him for a few days, so really I have my answer don't I. I just don't want to admit it. I am trying to hold on to the nice things he does but I think I'm going to get badly hurt.

We had a nice week and he went on works night out last night yet when I asked what we are doing over the weekend ( we normally see eachother) and if he was coming over this evening he just said I will ring you tomorrow and see how I'm feeling ( presumably after his night out) hence I feel a bit rejected. I don't think he's a player or even that he thinks through what he says very carefully at times but he's not over keen to see me today

OP posts:
Original poster
Santaclaws · 07/12/2013 13:40

Well he has actually just rung and is coming over to mine later. I think I need to relax and stop panicking

OP posts:
Original poster
Santaclaws · 09/12/2013 15:48

Well we were together all weekend and had a nice time. I'm not going to start asking any questions about where I stand just yet, it's still early days and tbh I'm still sussing him out, who knows I might decide I'm not that keen when I really get to know him. I do think he's a bit of a loner tbh. Since his marriage broke up years ago he had a handful of relationships lasting a years or so and lived with someone for a few years but never gave up his own place. I don't want to live alone forever so hope I'm not on a hiding to nothing with him, but as I said its early days

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 09/12/2013 16:14

Would you describe yourself as an extrovert? You seem very dismissive of what is simply an introverted style ("bit of a loner", "sitting alone in his house"). Some people just have a nice time when they're on their own, it's necessary relaxation time for them and they don't need or want to be around others 24/7. So if you can't help but see those qualities in a bad light, probably best to move on.

Original poster
Santaclaws · 09/12/2013 16:19

No I'm definatly not an extrovert I'm quite quiet around people I don't know well and shy. I just mean I'm concerned he may have been abit damaged by his past and have been put off fully committing to someone again. I do eventually want to commit again and even remarry if I find the right person. I too spend time alone quite a lot and don't mind it although if I'm in a relationship I prefer to be with the person a large chunk of my time

OP posts:
gaygirlwales · 09/12/2013 17:20

Wow you sound just like me! It sounds like you're insecure and you seem to have this intense need to be told everything is going ok rather than just relaxing and enjoying it. If he wasn't interested he certainly wouldn't have gone to he trouble of buying you bubble baths and lunchy things.

I think you should do more things with friends and just enjoy the moment. Try not to think about the future and "what ifs"

Allofaflumble · 09/12/2013 18:18

I honestly don't know what you should do about this relationship. All I can tell you is that six years ago I was in a very similar situation, analysing whether it was going anywhere etc, being too insecure to finish it, justifying continuing but having this voice whispering very early on that I was wasting my time BUT I IGNORED IT TIME AND TIME AGAIN.

So fast forward six years, I have just had to get myself out of it as it was exactly the same, no commitment and I ended up realising that I should have got out of it a lot earlier!

I know this may be of no help to you and not what you want to hear...but it happened to me and I wish I had not ignored my gut instinct as it was telling me the truth! Of course I have to own my part in it as I cannot blame him for wasting my time when it was my decision to keep flogging a dead horse! :/

Allofaflumble · 09/12/2013 18:20

PS. I have felt such a relief to be out of it. Maybe you should give a time to it, say six months and then see how you feel about the situation?