Proposed but wont move in with me because of his cat :-(

[feltpaperchains]

I have had a whirl -wind couple of weeks, my trusted, long term lodger has moved out and DP and I were discussing him moving in with me (as his house is way too small for us both.
He said that he couldn't leave his cat and we could wait for a house to come up on a safer road so that we can all be together (even though his neighbours offered to have the cat)
I was happy to wait(ish) and thought Id get another lodger.
Then a week later he proposed to me in a very beautiful way. I said yes because I love him and we had a cloud nine weekend/ week.
Today I started advertising for a lodger and started to feel really resentful that I have to go through the inconvenience and vulnerability of having a total stranger live in my house whilst he comfortably enjoys me going round his house all the time and nothing needs to change for him at all.
Am I being unreasonable to have switched from being really cool about it to really scared of trying to do my degree in the house with some stranger who may or may not be cool?

Is your road unsafe for the cat?

Do you have children? That would put me off having a lodger

Does her own his house? Do you own your house? If you are both just renting, can't you rent somewhere suitable together? Why can't the cat move into your place with your DP?

No I don't have children my roads dangerous his is not, we both rent in a close village where his daughter lives with her mother.
Cats get killed all the time on this road so I feel selfish for forcing the issue, I have just left it but can feel my resentment building

You get to choose the lodger, remember!

There'll be plenty of time to live together, and tbh a cat is a consideration and a responsibility.

I wouldn't have wanted to rehome my animals out of choice.

Have you told him how you feel? Have you both decided that his house is too small for you? Does he think it will be quite a quick process to find a suitable house for you both?

Basically, are you communicating with each other clearly>

Thanks for offering another perspective hissy, I just feel so scared to have a stranger in my home, worried I wont be able to relax, I just want us to be together as a little unit.

Feeling resentful towards a man you have just got engaged too doesn't sound great.

He obviously loves his cat and doesn't want to lose him/her. Can you not keep the cat as an indoor cat until you move somewhere less by the road?

I sent him a long email whilst he was at work with all my thoughts and feelings he said he'd love to but can't because of the cat..
He told me how he feels I have told him how I feel we just look at the same situation differently

He wont keep her as an indoor cat.

Have you talked about getting married as is the engagement just a token gesture?

Feeling resentful towards a man you have just got engaged too doesn't sound great
so am I supposed to stop feeling any negative feeling as soon as I become married?

What about a cat run in the garden?

Ill suggest it..thanks

"Feeling resentful towards a man you have just got engaged too doesn't sound great
so am I supposed to stop feeling any negative feeling as soon as I become married?"

no, i think that the previous poster was suggesting that it might only get worse! it's not a great starting point.

anyway, just out of interest... how small is his place? i mean, i know a family of 4 who live in a one-bed house... if you want to make it work you can.

Good god... don't have children with this man if the two of you are unable to sort out the cat. Both of you have homes that are unsuitable for you living together. Clearly you need a third place to live together as a happy, cat-owning unit. Is it very difficult to find a new place to rent together where you live (as it is a village)?

So he's choosing a cat over you? I love cats, I have two, but I would be incredibly offended in your situation and would offer to have the ring resized to fit the fecking cat! If you don't live together now, then when? After the wedding? What'll happen to the cat then? If this were a casual relationship I'd say don't stress but clearly he's proposed without actually making any real commitment.

Have you posted about him before?

I think he's being a bit unreasonable here. It won't do the cat any harm to be kept inside for a bit - and surely in the grand scheme of things you are more important? (Saying this as a devoted cat-owner)

Your smiley put me in mind of a cat's bottom... a deformed cat admittedly.

how old is the cat?

The fact that you need a lodger in your house to pay the rent is your own responsibility OP, it's not fair to blame your fiancé.

I think he's being perfectly reasonable, you're engaged and the plan is to find a place where you call all live together.

I would never rehouse a cat, and I wouldn't move onto a main road either.

If you've found lodgers before you'll find a nice one again.

I understand both sides.

He has an animal he loves and is responsible for. The sort of person that dumps an animal because he has to move house is not the sort of person I would want to marry. Your house is not suitable for the animal.

You are unhappy because now you have to live with a stranger when you would rather live with your DF. Also reasonable.

Now both of you need to communicate and find a suitable answer.

It sounds more reasonable to move into his house for the meantime, even if it is small, rather than risk the cat being killed on the road.

Then you will both be together, which is the main thing. Could you then look for another place together?

Why don't you move in with him?

I have a cat. I think it's irresponsible to have a cat living on a dangerous road. I would not rehome my cat - I would definitely want a third home for all of you. I wouldn't keep my cat indoors either.

Sorry, I'm with the cat on this. It is cruel to move it and then move it again, cruel to keep it indoors when it's an outdoor cat. He has a responsibility to the cat.

Find a new house that suits you both. I'm unclear as to why you can't move into his in the short term, but he clearly can't move into a place where 'cats get killed all the time' (how nice )

That said, you should live with him before you get married. Not to may be a recipe for disaster.

Why can't you move in with him?

Or better yet, why don't you find a new home for you to start your life together?

This worries me am I supposed to stop any negative feelings once I get married. What negative feelings? There will be many times during your marriage where negative feelings will arise do to circumstances within and without your control. Having them already before you even walk up the aisle is not good.