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Original poster

Proposed but wont move in with me because of his cat :-(

79 replies

feltpaperchains · 06/12/2013 19:03

I have had a whirl -wind couple of weeks, my trusted, long term lodger has moved out and DP and I were discussing him moving in with me (as his house is way too small for us both.
He said that he couldn't leave his cat and we could wait for a house to come up on a safer road so that we can all be together (even though his neighbours offered to have the cat)
I was happy to wait(ish) and thought Id get another lodger.
Then a week later he proposed to me in a very beautiful way. I said yes because I love him and we had a cloud nine weekend/ week.
Today I started advertising for a lodger and started to feel really resentful that I have to go through the inconvenience and vulnerability of having a total stranger live in my house whilst he comfortably enjoys me going round his house all the time and nothing needs to change for him at all.
Am I being unreasonable to have switched from being really cool about it to really scared of trying to do my degree in the house with some stranger who may or may not be cool?

OP posts:
HellonHeels · 06/12/2013 19:48

I've known people set up home together in a studio flat when circumstances didn't allow anything more convenient or spacious.

Why cannot you move into his flat until you can find a place to rent that suits all of you?

A man who has taken responsibility for a pet and wants to see that through properly is a decent person. I would certainly have major doubts about a partner who casually suggested rehoming my pets to suit their own plans.

WhoKnowsWhereTheMistletoes · 06/12/2013 19:51

Can't you rent both your places out entirely and find somewhere to rent together? Or sell them.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 06/12/2013 19:53

Well, of course you aren't expected to not feel negatively towards your fiancé - surely having just got engaged you should be all loved up surely - but how do you think this is going to work when he won't live with you because of his cat? Has he a time limit in mind for when he is going to find the cat approving house?

abbeynationall · 06/12/2013 19:59

He really should be exploring options with you to make that moving in happen. His inflexibility and standoffish-ness doesn't sit well with me ... at this point in the relationship

Original poster
feltpaperchains · 06/12/2013 20:07

Thanks it will be hard to move from my beautiful big house into a man cave but if he promises it will br a temporary thing maybe i can handle it. :( his house is freezing badly ventilated, dark blue carpet tiles its horrid.. I wont have space for my office space (uni related)
Mines only 50£ a month more and is warm big and would have a light room for his daughter... Maybe ill nove in with him but ill be heart broken to leave my home

OP posts:
tribpot · 06/12/2013 20:12

Well what did you expect was going to happen when you started your new life together? Despite being a dark blue man cave, it would be less disruptive for his daughter to stay where he is as well - have you considered that?

Ifcatshadthumbs · 06/12/2013 20:13

Rigggght. He's unreasonable because he doesn't want to leave his cat or risk it getting run over but you won't move in with home because you like your house better. Hmm

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 06/12/2013 20:13

This is such a pivotal point in your relationship. If neither of you is prepared to give up what you currently have to be together, then why on earth have you agreed to get married?

I really think you need to be having conversations about finding a new home together.

Ifcatshadthumbs · 06/12/2013 20:13

Him not home

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 06/12/2013 20:15

So you move from your "beautiful big house into a man cave." What does he do for you?

Moving would be a big mistake imo.

Good luck.

nooka · 06/12/2013 20:17

What did you imagine would happen feltpaperchains? Did you really think he'd just dump his cat on his neighbour and move in with you even though he had been clear that was a no goer? I think that your fiancee made the sensible suggestion, just because you have recently become engaged it doesn't mean that you need to rush into moving in together, and finding a new home together should be your next step. That you need a new lodger is to some extent irrelevant, although I can totally see why you are anxious about finding someone.

Totally understandable that you love your home and will be sad to leave it, but it's also obvious that it's not going to work for both of you. Your fiance obviously loves his cat, it's a part of his family and not something he can or should jettison.

So you need to get a feeling about time frames. How quickly can the two of you find a new home, and can you afford not to get in a new lodger until then.

Scarletohello · 06/12/2013 20:18

Think you need to be looking for a new place you can all live happily in...

nooka · 06/12/2013 20:19

I don't really see why the fiance is being described as inflexible or standoffish. He can't move without his cat, and he can't move somewhere that is unsafe for the cat. As a cat owner these seem to be statements of fact. They need to find a new home together. That should be fun and a sign of their new life together surely?

newlifeforme · 06/12/2013 20:22

I'm with catswiththumbs here, he has a daughter who is used to his house and a cat however he has to make the move so that your needs are accommodated.I think you might have different priorities and need to sort out this out.Other than carpet tiles, space for study and warmth is there anything else? Would you move in if he fixed the carpet and heating? Is this being discussed?How long have you been together?

lighthousesea · 06/12/2013 20:23

I don't think I would be rushing into marriage before this issue is settled. I hope you find a way that you are both happy with.

Bakingtins · 06/12/2013 20:31

Why can't you move in with him as a temporary measure whilst you both look for somewhere suitable for the pair of you, the cat and his daughter? No hassles finding another lodger, cat is safe, you save some money to beautify a new place, pay for a wedding or as a deposit to buy a property.
The fact that the prospect of being crammed in somewhere with him is unappealing is a bit worrying in the honeymoon period....bit early for seperate bedrooms!
I do think there is much to be said for a fresh start somewhere that is equally "yours" though.

Acinonyx · 06/12/2013 20:33

What kind of partner would expect you to sacrifice your beloved cat Xmas Shock

He's making a big mistake....

mrsm22 · 06/12/2013 21:14

I'm sorry big I think you sound very selfish and jealous of his cat. I agree with all the posters above, he would be disgraceful to just give his cat to a neighbour or give away to anyone and I think he sounds lovely to care so much for his cat. Think you should sort yourself out and realise it's a nice new place that suits all or accept how it is and stop moaning. If you can't understand how people love and care for their pets then you are with the wrong man.

optimusic · 06/12/2013 21:20

Op, are you really a dog person? You don't seem to be a cat person.

Original poster
feltpaperchains · 06/12/2013 21:20

I have gained so much clarity, thank you all for your perspectives Im going to move with him with a view to move in to a new place when one comes up. Thank you!

OP posts:
tiredoldmum · 06/12/2013 22:01

He could move in with you and keep the cat in the house cant he?

Or try the man cave for a bit but have deadline to get a new suitable place.

Acinonyx · 06/12/2013 22:02
Xmas Smile
tribpot · 06/12/2013 22:50

He could move in with you and keep the cat in the house cant he?

No - this isn't something that is fair to do to a cat who is used to be able to go outside. Some info from Cats Protection here. Cats are not domesticated in the way that dogs are - as my mum says "dogs have owners, cats have staff" :)

bestsonever · 06/12/2013 23:49

Simple, you both move into somewhere new together that you both put equal amounts of money towards. Don't get why that is a hard solution to come up with. It's never a good idea to move anyone into your castle anyway, start afresh.

Mrswellyboot · 06/12/2013 23:54

I would get a lodger, enjoy your engagement and look around for a marital home. I didn't live with my dh until we got married and it didn't do us any harm. Take your time and enjoy this period of happiness without niggles over living arrangements. He sounds like a caring sort of man from your post

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