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Original poster

Proposed but wont move in with me because of his cat :-(

79 replies

feltpaperchains · 06/12/2013 19:03

I have had a whirl -wind couple of weeks, my trusted, long term lodger has moved out and DP and I were discussing him moving in with me (as his house is way too small for us both.
He said that he couldn't leave his cat and we could wait for a house to come up on a safer road so that we can all be together (even though his neighbours offered to have the cat)
I was happy to wait(ish) and thought Id get another lodger.
Then a week later he proposed to me in a very beautiful way. I said yes because I love him and we had a cloud nine weekend/ week.
Today I started advertising for a lodger and started to feel really resentful that I have to go through the inconvenience and vulnerability of having a total stranger live in my house whilst he comfortably enjoys me going round his house all the time and nothing needs to change for him at all.
Am I being unreasonable to have switched from being really cool about it to really scared of trying to do my degree in the house with some stranger who may or may not be cool?

OP posts:
tinkertaylor1 · 07/12/2013 00:06

I'm staggered that your partner is not making any real commitment to you because of a bloody pet!

Shock Shock you are going to give up your lovely nice cosy home because he wont leave his chuffing cat!

If he wanted you he would have give the cat to who ever said would have it,not expect you to give your home up!

wake up and smell the coffee pissy cat litter

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 07/12/2013 00:11

tinker some people love their pets. I think the man has done the right thing and it's to be respected, it's something I'd value 100% in a partner. Just because he loves his cat doesn't mean he doesn't love the OP, he just actually cares about the animal and acknowledges the distress it would cause it (which is massive by the way, we tried to move ours and he had what I can only describe as a nervous break down)

Tiptops · 07/12/2013 00:26

I think he sounds like a lovely man who stands by a commitment instead of dumping his pet on someone else.

Cats can happily go from free roaming to indoor only providing you give them enough stimulation. Another option would be to cat proof the garden so the cat has risk free access to the outdoors.

JumpingJackSprat · 07/12/2013 07:12

You would have had to leave your house at some point. By moving in with him you're just doing it sooner than you otherwise would. Do you own it? If so it would be worn keeping hold of it and renting it out so you have somewhere to go if it all goes tits up.

Hissy · 07/12/2013 07:25

Why doesn't he/you both look for a new house to rent, surely you can consider other nearby villages ig the one you live in doesn't :ave too many properties coming up?

CeQueLEnfer · 07/12/2013 07:26

Aw, he sounds like a really nice guy. I think it's a great idea that you move in with him until you find something suitable for all of you. Including the cat.

Good luck with everything Smile

HanneHolm · 07/12/2013 07:35

Both sell. Buy new home

Jengnr · 07/12/2013 07:41

Why doesn't he move on with you and keep the cat indoors (as they should be)

If it's only a temporary measure he shouldn't have a problem with that.

paxtecum · 07/12/2013 07:55

Jengr: Moggies should not be kept indoors.
In much the same way that tigers shouldn't be in a circus.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 07/12/2013 10:24

jeng why should they be kept indoors Confused and the cat will literally go crazy if kept indoors after having freedom. I attempted it once, he was running into walls and shreieking. It was actually horrific.

Anniegetyourgun · 07/12/2013 10:37

Cats have feelings, rented houses don't. No contest.

Am guessing Jengnr has had to clear up cat poo from the lawn once too often ;)

Joysmum · 07/12/2013 11:16

Good for you OP for realising he shouldn't be pressed to give up his cat and the way forwards is to move in with him and then look to rent somewhere together.

tinkertaylor1 · 07/12/2013 11:50

I would never put the feelings if a loved human being behind the feelings of a cat/dog/pet ect...

I have a cat and have had dogs and I also have children. The pets fit in around the family. My family do not revolve the pets.

Giving up your home so a fucking cat dosnt get it's feeling hurt - sad!

I've just asked my Tom ( in feline language of course ) and he meowed that "they are all a bunch if pusseys and should man up " !

tinkertaylor1 · 07/12/2013 11:53

^^ my tom is top cat round here! He is beautiful^ grey with three white socks. BUT I still wouldn't give up my home for him. He'd have to come like it it lump it!

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 07/12/2013 11:56

It's not about hurting the cats feelings, it's about the health of the animal. It's not going to think 'oh shit my owner hates me', it's going to get ill. This isn't the same for a cat that's been indoors all it's life, obviously.

Like I said before, mine did himself an injury when we moved and tried to keep him in. In the end for his sake he went to live with the lady who lived next door to our old home. It broke my heart but I knew she looked after him well (he was always nipping in to her previously) and he was happy knowing he could prowl his 'territory'.

tinkertaylor1 · 07/12/2013 11:58

Why will he get ill because he has moved house ?

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 07/12/2013 12:01

Because he will have to be kept indoors.

If they are used to being outdoors, they will do ANYTHING to get back out. Very few cats take well to the transition. Most will become aggressive, refuse food, hurt themselves by trying to get out, they'll attempt to run out of any open door and a lot of the time refuse to come back in. They attempt to go back to their old area. Some have panic attacks.

An animal that is used to having freedom will not take kindly to being stuck indoors, it's a basic fact.

Anniegetyourgun · 07/12/2013 12:12

Obviously one's first loyalty is to one's own species, but we do owe a duty of care to our companion animals, and this isn't a case of choose between cat and girlfriend. It's choose your options taking all factors, including the cat's welfare and the owner's affection for it, into consideration. Nobody's having to sell their childhood home or keep the baby in the basement because of the cat.

Cruelty or callousness towards animals is one of the red flags, don't you know? Along with lack of politeness to waitresses etc. Waitresses also come behind girlfriends, and you'd save your girlfriend before the waitress in a sinking ship scenario no doubt. That doesn't let you off behaving like a decent human being to people, and animals, as a general rule.

MagicLlama · 07/12/2013 12:18

You could enclose your garden, which is what a friend of mine has done. Shes added trellis to her existing fencing, and then put some mesh over the trellis and all over the top, tall enough for her to stand in so she still enjoys her garden, yet the cats are trapped in. She checked with her neighbours first, and it looks surprisingly OK.

Joysmum · 07/12/2013 12:19

tinker I think you're missing the point, it's not about the cat it's about both people have the same rights and considering the other person here. She should no more expect him to give up his home than she should give up hers.

She's already made her choice anyway and (from what she's written) it's the right one. Good for her.

Rosencrantz · 07/12/2013 12:21

Don't agree to marry someone you've not lived with!

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 07/12/2013 12:22

I agree rosen, you don't truly know someone until you've lived with them Grin

Sunflower49 · 07/12/2013 12:37

Glad you've found a potential solution.
I agree, a man who has loyalty toward his pet is a decent person-was he to dump his beloved cat and move in with you, I would be Xmas Hmm
He isn't putting his cat before you, if he doesn't do what you want(ed) you wouldn't't risk death or become ill-the cat would if he does the opposite. That's the difference. Plus he'd probably be full of regret and likely resent you for it.
It's good to have a decent man who takes responsibility seriously.

Good luck :)

TotallyBursar · 07/12/2013 13:26

The whole shebang worries me tbh.

He has a daughter. You can't negotiate past the cat.
You are just as bad as him in terms of not wanting to leave a house you can't afford. He may have a man cave but if that is within his means, good for him. Is this his child's cat?
You will become a step parent and if this has become an issue you need to both work on your communication skills.

Lazyjaney · 07/12/2013 15:57

What Totally said, also seems to me waiting for the right place is best.

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