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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I tell his girlfriend about our affair?

63 replies

susanneB · 06/12/2013 08:54

First of all, apologies mumsnet for posting on your site - I am not a mum, but there is a lot of wisdom from women on here, so I am hoping to get an answer.

While on a recent group expedition to a beautiful, rugged country (one week, 10 people) I had an affair with the organiser. He was lots of fun, plus conscientious, decisive and caring. Just great company.
He never mentioned that he had a girlfriend, and only told me so after we'd first kissed. He said it was "complicated" and he'd tried to break up for over a year now and had cheated on her once before "when I realised it was over a year ago". But since they have been living together for 10 years, it was hard. Crucial was the fact that he didn't see a future for their relationship, as he wants marriage and kids and she doesn't.

So, we had unprotected sex a few times, also back home after the trip.

However, he has since turned from "conscientious great-guy" to "cheating chicken", and seems to have no intentions anymore of leaving her.

I feel completely taken advantage of now. I am not "the other woman". He was quite dominant in bed, and I only agreed to that because of who he was and what he said. He was completely open with me in front of everyone on the trip, so much so that people were surprised to hear back home that he is still with his girlfriend.

We never said that we would get together once he breaks up, but I am hugely upset now and have been off work with a bout of depression (in fairness, I am clinically depressed, but this was an unnecessary low).

So, what to do? I feel she should know, not least as we had unprotected sex. I would also, possibly, provide some closure for me.
But is this really vindictive and spiteful?

I genuinely don't know what to do. I had given up on men for a good five years, because I have a phenomenal talent for pulling the wrong ones. Now, knocking on 40, I thought I could give it another go. And, sure thing, another bad one.

Thank you to anyone and everyone for advice.

OP posts:

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 06/12/2013 08:57

Um why did you have unprotected sex with a stranger?

Gigondas · 06/12/2013 09:00

Don't tell her-it will hurt her( and she has done nothing wrong).

Get yourself checked out for std as if you had unprotected sex you are at risk (not sure I believe the one thing).

I am sorry to hear you are depressed -are you getting treatment for this? I think from some of things in your post it would help on your sense of self worth. the idea of being talked into bed and dominated isn't good-you should feel equal and bark to assert yourself in a good relationship.

Also the comment about being 40- is this significant as you want kids or just feel life going on without you?

I hope you can put this behind you and learn from it but I don't think telling his girlfriend is a good plan.

EQ2Junkie · 06/12/2013 09:01

You are not doing it out of guilt or for her.

If you were I would say tell her.

You chose to sleep with him after he told you about her. You are angry not remorseful.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/12/2013 09:01

Your problem is with a man who lies, not his girlfriend who is as innocent a party to all this as you are.

SarahPercyAndBill · 06/12/2013 09:02

Honestly, I'd seek counseling. If a man I had kissed told me he had a girlfriend, that would be it. It wouldn't continue to unprotected sex. Numerous times. He told you what he was and for whatever reason, you chose to continue. That, really, is what you need to focus on. Telling his girlfriend will just create drama that will take your attention away from the issue you need to work on.

tootiredtothink · 06/12/2013 09:03

It is vindictive and spiteful. And yes, you are the ow as you knew he was seeing someone but went ahead anyway.

So don't tell her, try to move on. You deserve better than him.

Makeminealarge · 06/12/2013 09:04

telling his partner would achieve very little on your end. He used you but then you knew he had a partner after the first kiss before he 'dominated you in bed'. His point of view it was a consensual fling. yes it was wrong but it happened. Ideally you should have used contraception as he admitted to sleeping with others behind his partners back. depression can blur what is going on and how to see things clearly. you say you pick the wrong men, perhaps use this as a lesson and stay away from men for a while until you are better and perhaps stay away from men in a relationship no matter what they say to you how bad that relationship may be.

Cabrinha · 06/12/2013 09:05

You'll get people saying tell her and don't tell her.
I definitely think she needs to know what a shit she is with. I think your motives for telling her are pretty suspect, but to me that doesn't matter - as long as you do it as simply as you can.

You say you let him be sexually dominant because of who he was... you need to work on yourself. It's all very well to avoid men for some time, but you need to work on yourself in that time. You made a bad choice. Can you look into the Freedom Programme, or counselling?

Top tip: if you meet someone you like, if they don't like you enough to end their current relationship IMMEDIATELY, then walk away.

colafrosties · 06/12/2013 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 06/12/2013 09:06

How is OP innocent?

She had sex with him knowing that he has a girlfriend!

You need to wonder why you believed & fell for his crap tbh.

ThistletoeAndWine · 06/12/2013 09:08

Regardless if he said he was leaving her or not you still knew he was with somebody so yes that does make you the ow !!! And stupid for unprotected sex with a stranger!!! And I very much doubt you are the only person he has done this with!!

Walk away and leave well alone!!!

Cabrinha · 06/12/2013 09:08

I never understand all the people on threads like this that say don't tell the woman.
Because it will hurt her?
Because having a scumbag lying cheat who exposes her to infection won't?
I totally agree that the OP is not acting from remorse here, but I really do think she should tell.

And agree that you can't say you're not the OW. We all make mistakes, you may be in a bad place and vulnerable, but you need to own to what you did.

SqueakyCleanLibertine · 06/12/2013 09:08

Why didn't you use contraception though? We're you hoping to conceive? Forget about the girlfriend (poor woman) and concentrate on sorting your head out so you don't keep targeting the wrong men.

Pancakeflipper · 06/12/2013 09:09

Don't tell her.
Take some responsibility.
You had sex with him several times and you knew he had a girlfriend. And you had unprotected sex.

He's not going to leave this girlfriend whilst there are women around who will shag him even when they know he's got a girlfriend.

Floggingmolly · 06/12/2013 09:09

You knew he was in a relationship, therefore you were the other woman whether you like it or not.
It didn't bother you then; so your only motivation to tell her now is simple spite, stop kidding yourself.

Blu · 06/12/2013 09:10

You realise he has probably done this on every other trip he has organised?

I am sorry you had such a bad experience, but I think your priority is to move forwards and look after yourself - esp getting some STD tests - and spend some time looking at why you are looking for whatever you are looking for in such risky situations.

An affair is all well and good, but the signs were loud and clear in his first utterance of the word 'girlfriend'. It isn't complicated t leave a gf who isn't even the one who wants marriage, and there are no kids etc, it is merely cowardice, or expediency, or whatever suits his purpose.

Sorry about the 5 years - did you undertake counselling during those years?

Also, don't condemn yourself - everyone can make a mistake, even people who do not have a track record in falling for the bad ones. But look at you, rather than casting off men as a wholesale bad lot.

craftynclothy · 06/12/2013 09:21

Personally I think you should tell her. If he's had/having unprotected sex with you and others I think she should know so she can get checked out.

mammadiggingdeep · 06/12/2013 09:23

Very naive to fall for the old ' we're breaking up' routine. I don't know why you would have unprotected sex with him- I should imagine you're not the first ow he's done that with. We all make mistakes but I think you should be reflecting on why you fell for all of that so easily. I think she should know to be honest but it would hurt her enormously hearing it from you so I'm torn on that one.

Helltotheno · 06/12/2013 09:43

You realise he has probably done this on every other trip he has organised?

This. It's obvious the guy is shagging rings around him so your first priority should be to get yourself to an STD clinic before doing anything else.

The reason you want to tell his GF is to get back at him through her because you feel hurt. That's not a good reason. No doubt she'll cop on to the twunt sooner rather than later but you need to step back and let that play out.

Are you pregnant?

stillcryinginside · 06/12/2013 09:50

If someone told me they where in a relationship, whether leaving or not that would be a deal breaker for me. I could not and would not take things further. I'm a 'fixer' type of person and would most likely be trying to talk to him, listen and offer advice from a woman's perspective to hopefully help his relationship rather than complicate it further.

Should his partner be aware of his cheating scumbag actions? ... Yes she should I'm afraid, it's not fair on her if she's sat at home thinking everything's fine and he's out and about sowing his wild oats with all n sundry!

Would I tell her? ..... Hmmm, I'm not honestly sure if it would be my place, he needs to man up and leave if he really doesn't want to be in the relationship with her. But I can see it's complicated. I'd want to know if I was the girlfriend if my partner was cheating on me no matter how painful I know it is.

I'm really sorry to hear your suffering from depression, it's not nice and I know from personal experience how it can affect you. I hope your getting help with it. I've just started reading a great book called 'In the Meantime: Finding Yourself and the Love You Want by Iyanla Vanzant. It's really helping me to see things more clearly. I've realised I need to work on ME and stop worrying and trying to fix others.

Good luck OP, I can't condone what you did but I hope you can learn from this experience and move on.

CerealKillerMom · 06/12/2013 10:02

I would tell her - whatever your motivation.

If he's had unprotected sex with you chances are he's had it with others.

Does nobody care if their bits turn green and drop off, anymore.

I remember the 'don't die of ignorance' adverts

tiredoldmum · 06/12/2013 10:55

I really don't understand the unprotected sex thing?

He does this on every trip he organises and there is some sap who falls for it every time.

The only reason to tell the girlfriend/wife is because she is being exposed to diseases and may have no idea. Sure it is hurtful but she'd rather know than go along be the last one to know until she get some STI from this piece of shite.

MadBusLady · 06/12/2013 11:03

You're trying to take an action which will move you out of this shitty place - which is good, but telling his girlfriend isn't it. She's going to have to fend for herself here because your biggest priority should be you and fixing your own thinking so that this doesn't happen again.

The action you should take is to seriously read your own OP back until you get it.

Read your third para "He never mentioned..." and then read the next one "So, we had unprotected sex..." and ask yourself how on earth you can ever have thought the latter should flow from the former. That "So" is like running aground on a bloody great rock. It's like reading a story that makes no sense whatsoever.

He told you he had a girlfriend, he told you he was finding it hard to break up with her, he sort of wanted to but he sort of wasn't cos it was too hard blah blah, he even told you he'd cheated before.

And you took this as the signal to have unprotected sex with him?

What, exactly, would you consider a red flag?

I have to hand it to him for honesty, he practically sat there and told you he was a spineless, unscrupulous, cheating bastard and for some reason you heard... well, I'm not entirely sure what you heard to be honest.

You got "another bad one" because when bad ones pop up, you sit there and give them the time of day rather than telling them to get lost.

kilmuir · 06/12/2013 11:06

Are you 16.? Unprotected sex?
Why do you need to hurt his girlfriend? Trying to make yourself feel better? You were both in the wrong. Own it

Kaluki · 06/12/2013 11:19

I fell for someone like this once, I thought he was single, but he turned out to be in a relationship ... he loved me of course, but his gf was vulnerable and mentally unstable and he was scared to leave her in case bla bla bla .
As soon as I found out about her I ended it there and then because all trust for him went out the window and I went straight off him.

Turns out his gf was far from mentally unstable or vulnerable. He was just a serial adulterer and that was one of many lines he used to get girls into bed.
You need to fine tune your radar and get some help to find out why men like this use appeal to you.

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