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Relationships

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Original poster

Should I tell his girlfriend about our affair?

63 replies

susanneB · 06/12/2013 08:54

First of all, apologies mumsnet for posting on your site - I am not a mum, but there is a lot of wisdom from women on here, so I am hoping to get an answer.

While on a recent group expedition to a beautiful, rugged country (one week, 10 people) I had an affair with the organiser. He was lots of fun, plus conscientious, decisive and caring. Just great company.
He never mentioned that he had a girlfriend, and only told me so after we'd first kissed. He said it was "complicated" and he'd tried to break up for over a year now and had cheated on her once before "when I realised it was over a year ago". But since they have been living together for 10 years, it was hard. Crucial was the fact that he didn't see a future for their relationship, as he wants marriage and kids and she doesn't.

So, we had unprotected sex a few times, also back home after the trip.

However, he has since turned from "conscientious great-guy" to "cheating chicken", and seems to have no intentions anymore of leaving her.

I feel completely taken advantage of now. I am not "the other woman". He was quite dominant in bed, and I only agreed to that because of who he was and what he said. He was completely open with me in front of everyone on the trip, so much so that people were surprised to hear back home that he is still with his girlfriend.

We never said that we would get together once he breaks up, but I am hugely upset now and have been off work with a bout of depression (in fairness, I am clinically depressed, but this was an unnecessary low).

So, what to do? I feel she should know, not least as we had unprotected sex. I would also, possibly, provide some closure for me.
But is this really vindictive and spiteful?

I genuinely don't know what to do. I had given up on men for a good five years, because I have a phenomenal talent for pulling the wrong ones. Now, knocking on 40, I thought I could give it another go. And, sure thing, another bad one.

Thank you to anyone and everyone for advice.

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 06/12/2013 11:21

You really don't need to tell her.
Examine your motives - are you doing it to get back at him? Or because you are genuinely sorry for her that she is with a cheating shitbag?

I think if I was with a cheating shitbag I'd want someone to help me open my eyes up to that fact; but I wouldn't be at all grateful, especially if the person who did it was actually the other party in the cheating.

You are unlikely to feel better about it even if you DO tell her, let's put it that way.

ormirian · 06/12/2013 11:32

Yes, I would tell her. I think she needs to know that he has a habit of shagging a different woman whenever he organises a trip. The unprotected sex this boggles my mind - and that's another reason to tell.

Only you can say what your motivation to tell would be but I don't suppose she will care.

Jan45 · 06/12/2013 11:34

It's up to you whether you tell her or not, that's your call but why have unprotected sex with someone who, you knew was in a relationship - if you're going to play with fire then you're going to get burnt - don't kid yourself this was all him, it takes two to tango, lick your wounds and remind yourself that you're nobody's second best.

hookedonchoc · 06/12/2013 11:38

Sorry to hear about the depression. It sounds like you are very low and don't value yourself very much. Please believe that you are worth more than this "great guy".

As to whether you should tell the girlfriend... As you are having a hard time emotionally, I would say do whatever will be easiest for you and make you feel good in the long run. If I was the gf I would want to know. But if telling her is going to be difficult and problematic for you, just walk away and protect yourself as best you can. And, as others have said, get STD checked.

akawisey · 06/12/2013 12:30

If this guy is so cavalier as to flaunt you in front of people maybe he'd like you to do his dirty work for him.

He won't want you though.

Anniegetyourgun · 06/12/2013 12:34

It's so easy to be fun and great company etc when you're on holiday for a week with people who don't know you and who you'll never see afterwards. You can switch on the charm and be whatever they want you to be. It is not a fair measure of a person at all.

TodgerDodger · 06/12/2013 12:43

I would tell her.

The fact that you had unprotected sex means that you have info about her potential health that she needs to know about (if that makes sense).

If she got ill as a result of his affairs and you know about them, you would owe it to her to tell her.

As to why in earth you did it in the first place...

TaleTastic · 06/12/2013 13:00

If I was the GF I would want to know.

Doubt very much this is the first time he has done this. She may be unhappy/trapped with him and thus could be her ammunition to leave.

Sorry you are depressed. Definitely work on your self esteem. Buy yourself some condoms and aim much higher than this loser.

HowlingTrap · 06/12/2013 13:01

I would tell her, purely for STI/STD related reasons.

But this 'poor me' act needs to stop.

livenlet · 06/12/2013 13:07

Wow clearly not a mother , pick your self up and move on he used you n you allowed it these are school girl errors you need to think better of your self , respect you first cause if you dont no one eles will

AnyFuckersfrogslegs35 · 06/12/2013 13:09

It depends on your motives for wanting to tell her.
Lets be honest though, you slept with him after he told you so don't really come across as holier than thou or having his Gf's best interests at heart.

If you (and him) usually have unprotected sex with people so quickly then I'd say she should know so she can get herself checked out.

Get yourself checked too, if he was so eager to quickly jump unprotected into bed with you, imagine how many others there's been.

AnyFuckersfrogslegs35 · 06/12/2013 13:17

Posted too soon -
Also wanted to add, Work on your depression, don't blame only yourself - it takes two to tango and all that but learn from it. Find your self esteem, you're honestly worth more than having to sleep with human equivalent of a randy dog.

randomAXEofkindness · 06/12/2013 13:24

I definitely think she needs to know what a !@#$%^& she is with*

This.

Quoteunquote · 06/12/2013 13:29

I am not "the other woman". He was quite dominant in bed, and I only agreed to that because of who he was and what he said

I don't understand this bit,

What has being dominate in bed got to do with anything?

and who he was, what does that mean?

SomeDizzyWhore1804 · 06/12/2013 13:36

I would say tell her- whatever your motivation she should know.

I also suspect that he does this a lot and that she may already know and is choosing to stay for her own reasons

MadBusLady · 06/12/2013 13:58

I suspect "dominant" is minimising language and OP simply means she felt coerced into some things. Which may be another thing to seek help with talking through now.

Floggingmolly · 06/12/2013 14:04

I only agreed to that because of who he was and what he said
Or she was made promises or thinks she was that weren't kept, MadBus. Quite different as far as coercion goes.

CoffeeTea103 · 06/12/2013 14:19

I just can't believe how naive and gullible some people are. Sorry but you walked into this one, you verified none of his background by taking the time to get to know him.

Dirtybadger · 06/12/2013 14:20

If I were his girlfriend, I would want to know.

Even if my health wasn't at risk, I'd want to know. Because this relationship sounds like a waste of time for his girlfriend. I can only speak for myself, his girlfriend may be different, but I'd be grateful (oh yeah, after the anger). I would be furious with myself, my DP and the 'other woman' if I discovered, 3, 4, 5 years down the line (or much longer!) when he was caught out again, that I'd unnecessarily wasted years of my life with a cheat!

Vivacia · 06/12/2013 14:25

However, he has since turned from "conscientious great-guy" to "cheating chicken", and seems to have no intentions anymore of leaving her.

No shit. I'm afraid I also think this is something he can get away with on every trip. And I second the question of what did you mean by this?

I am not "the other woman". He was quite dominant in bed, and I only agreed to that because of who he was and what he said

VanitasVanitatum · 06/12/2013 14:32

clearly not a mother - what, because mothers never take a step out of the moral line?! Sheesh. That's an awful thing to say.

VanitasVanitatum · 06/12/2013 14:34

Sorry OP, also meant to say, yes you made a big mistake carrying on with him after he told you he had a girlfriend, his stated intention to end it was irrelevant. You need to forget all about this guy and move on. Personally I wouldn't tell her, she will find out soon enough and your motive to tell her is probably a bad one. You need to get him out of your life altogether.

LittlePeaPod · 06/12/2013 15:02

Op firstly I think you need to get help for your depression if you haven't already sort it. It's important you look after your own MH needs before anything else.

With regards this situation. To be honest regardless of what he said to you, you knew he was in a relationship before you slept with him. He had also admitted you weren't his first affair so it should have rang huge alarm bells. If he didn't leave his DP first time round, why would you be any different? Also you are both as bad and as in the wrong as each other. As much as he shouldn't have cheated, you shouldn't be sleeping with someone else's partner.

His a cheat and I doubt he ever intended to leave his DP. Move on Op. With regards telling her, well no one can tell you what to do. Personally, if I was her, I would want to know if my DH had been cheating on me.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 06/12/2013 16:48

What the others said plus...are you sure this 'girlfriend' is an actual person, in that, does she actually exist? I imagine him playing ShovePiggyShove with a new conquest on every single trip he is involved with and the 'girlfriend' in the background is a ruse to stop any or all conquests wanting more/ disturbing his peace/ interfering with his nice set up. It is a possibility.

bordellosboheme · 06/12/2013 18:21

Yes something fishy a woman at home not wanting kids or marriage. Most women want those things (not all I agree).

What do you mean by dominating in bed?

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