Should I tell his girlfriend about our affair?

[susanneB]

First of all, apologies mumsnet for posting on your site - I am not a mum, but there is a lot of wisdom from women on here, so I am hoping to get an answer.

While on a recent group expedition to a beautiful, rugged country (one week, 10 people) I had an affair with the organiser. He was lots of fun, plus conscientious, decisive and caring. Just great company.
He never mentioned that he had a girlfriend, and only told me so after we'd first kissed. He said it was "complicated" and he'd tried to break up for over a year now and had cheated on her once before "when I realised it was over a year ago". But since they have been living together for 10 years, it was hard. Crucial was the fact that he didn't see a future for their relationship, as he wants marriage and kids and she doesn't.

So, we had unprotected sex a few times, also back home after the trip.

However, he has since turned from "conscientious great-guy" to "cheating chicken", and seems to have no intentions anymore of leaving her.

I feel completely taken advantage of now. I am not "the other woman". He was quite dominant in bed, and I only agreed to that because of who he was and what he said. He was completely open with me in front of everyone on the trip, so much so that people were surprised to hear back home that he is still with his girlfriend.

We never said that we would get together once he breaks up, but I am hugely upset now and have been off work with a bout of depression (in fairness, I am clinically depressed, but this was an unnecessary low).

So, what to do? I feel she should know, not least as we had unprotected sex. I would also, possibly, provide some closure for me.
But is this really vindictive and spiteful?

I genuinely don't know what to do. I had given up on men for a good five years, because I have a phenomenal talent for pulling the wrong ones. Now, knocking on 40, I thought I could give it another go. And, sure thing, another bad one.

Thank you to anyone and everyone for advice.

Well, the lie could simply be that she DOES want marriage and kids and he's the one holding off, rather than that she doesn't exist. But that lie paints him in a good light and encourages women to mentally slot themselves into place as prospective wife-and-mother.

As you didn't stop as soon as you found out he had a girlfriend, I'm finding it very hard to understand why you feel taken advantage of. As others have said, he told you he'd cheated on his girlfriend before and that he'd spent the last 12 months with her, even though he knew it was over. He made it very clear to you that he was a liar and a cheat, but you chose to repeatedly have unprotected sex with him. What on earth did you think would happen?

I strongly suspect that your desire to tell his girlfriend stems from a desire to seek revenge rather than some altruistic bid to save the woman from future heartbreak.

You are the other woman.

Stop pretending to be a victim. Taken advantage of? You wanted this sex didn't you?

Telling her because 'you want closure', really? I think you've already got that. He doesn't want you, he only wanted you because you gave sex to him freely.

Grow up, own your mistake, learn from it and move on. You need to do this for the sake of your mental health.

That is harsh, but I think it's what you need.

You so are the OW & were from the moment he told you he had a girlfriend-did you miss that bit ffs

Leave his GF alone, yes she deserves to know but not from some fucking idiot that is in a long line of fucks, which make no mistake is what you are...

My Ex cheated on me. I wish the woman who he had cheated with had told me at the time. By the time she did I was so invested and believed his lies.

I bear no malice to her but if she had told me at the time (instead of years later just before our marriage), it would have saved me a lot of heartbreak and material loss.

You had sex with a guy on the basis of that BS story?...

Honestly, you're just as bad as he is are now looking to make your self feel a little better by making out as though you'd be doing a 'good deed' in telling his GF. The bottom line is you knew he had a GF when you chose to sleep with him, so don't make yourself out to be a victim who has been "taken advantage of". Just stop it. You're an adult, and you took an adult decision.

Don't tell his GF - your motivation is disingenuous. Learn, become a better person and move on.

I'd like to know how you'd broach this with her.

'I knew he had a girlfriend but slept with him anyway, thought you'd like to know'

It really bugs me when the other woman does this. She has no qualms about shagging him when she thinks he's going to run off into the sun set with her, but as soon as he rejects this idea she turns all do-gooder and tells the woman.

What a creepy guy. Goodness. He's well versed, isn't he?

I'm not surprised you are depressed given the latest lines you've fallen for.

I think you feel like a sucker and you want to let his 'girlfriend' know she's a sucker too and make her feel shitty too. And him. Basically you want to ruin their cosy life illusion. And who could blame you?

Except he won't feel shit really. It's what he does. His way.

So learn. Be a but discerning. Critical. Sceptical. Make the men you meet work a bit harder. Most of all, do more and more stuff for you. And never shag an attached man.

Do you have her contact details anyway? Gosh I can't believe how reckless he is. Did he think that he might end up making babies with all that unprotected sex?

I would want to know.

This arse hole is opening her up to STIs.

What Winky said. Also I half suspect there is no GF. Or Shagging Man for that matter. Where, oh where, is the OP?

Oh, I smelled bullshit on this when I first read it. The way it's written is dire. Why the need to mention the 'beautiful, rugged country'? It just reads like a piss-poor attempt at a Mills & Boon to me.

Doubt very much that the OP will be back...