DH complaining that I never have anything to say

[loopylouu]

And he's right, really, but the more he gets frustrated and angry about it, the more I withdraw.

He puts me under so much pressure to talk and be upbeat that it makes me go the other way sometimes.

I have virtually no self esteem anyway, and this is knocking me down as well. I really do have nothing to say though. I am at home all day, I am 24 weeks pregnant, I was studying prior to pregnancy but I am taking time out due to complications. I have an older hold from a previous relationship, but thats it. I lost the few friends I had when I split from my ex and I am not all that good with friendships really (I suffered horrendous bullying as a child so I never had friends at all as a child or teenager, so I missed out on learning about friendships). I have always been happier being a but of a loner.

He gets annoyed that I have no hobbies or any real interests, but I just don't. I moved across the country from a very rural location to a large city to be with him three years ago, my life prior to that was quite full, ds did some activities which took up time and I had friends through those, living so rurally has it's own distractions, I had a lot of animals to look after. Since moving here, my interests have gone really.

I had a shitty breakup with ds dad, he is still making life hard, I don't have the energy anymore to even think. I have felt so low and depressed for a few years which doesn't help.

I get very upset when he puts pressure on me and gets angry. He will literally get home and click his fingers in my face saying 'talk, come on, say something, anything'. I panic and it makes me feel so shit. I have nothing to say.

And all the time he's asking me 'what shall we do tonight' all the time. I am not a clown. When I turn it round and say 'well I don't know, what do you want to do' he gets in a stop and says he'll do his own thing then.

He's sometimes horrible to me but he says that's to provoke a reaction and to get me to respond. He has also stopped wanting to have sex as I don't stimulate him mentally apparently (another bone of contention, he doesn't have a high sex drive anyway, I always did, I've had to kill it for my own sanity since being with him) and when we do have sex, I am so pathetically grateful that he's showing me attention that it's all about him not me.

I am so miserable at the moment I don't know what to do.

I have tried talking to him, but he always turns everything around so I can't be bothered anymore.

I get lonely in the daytimes, but now I dread him coming in from work. And I know he does too, he's always saying how much of a laugh he has with people at work, how he looks forward to going in and chatting to them. It makes me feel even worse about myself, I cry all the time.

Tell him your taking a class in forensics, how they tell you how to get away with the perfect murder and that you have just finished reading a book about a woman who was abused by her husband and she kiledl him in the end....yeah give him something to listen to.

what an arse. I really don't even know what to suggest but Im sure someone will be along to help soon.

But don't be pushed around and bullied, I too what retreat into myself but I think you need to get angry, he cant talk and treat you like that. what does he talk to you about???

This isn't really about you having nothing to say, is it? There's other stuff going on here. Do you think you might be clinically depressed

What was your relationship like before you got pregnant - and was that pregnancy a joint decision?

You really don't sound happy at all, and that's not a good thing when you're mid-way through a pregnancy.

THis doesn't sound good. You sound desperately unhappy and instead of receiving support you're being ground into the ground by the one who should be propping you up.
How is your pregnancy? Are you feeling excited about your new baby? FOr the future?

Yes, I have been depressed since I was a young child. That's nothing new. I've dealt with it for more than 20 years.

Yes the pregnancy was a joint decision.

He's not good with my feelings. I can never tell him I feel low or whatever without being berated for it, but if he's feeling low for some reason (e.g when he had work problems) the whole world has to stop and I have to be supportive.

I am happy about my pregnancy. I have an older child as well.

Do you read any books? Maybe you could do a book club type thing together? Sounds a bit geeky but sometimes DH and I read a book together or at same time and discuss it. Could be a novel or a factual book.

Or what about having film nights? Take turns to pick something.

Does your DP do much with your older DC? Does he help out with house chores?

Would you be willing to talk to Womens Aid and start planning your exit out of this dysfunctional relationship?.

Not at all surprised you're miserable; anyone would be in this situation of abuse. That is what this really is; an abusive relationship.

You and your children would be far better off away from this individual, what do you think your other child is learning about relationships here?.

He clicks his fingers in your face. Dear God. I almost stopped reading there.

This man isn't very nice. But you know that because you dread him coming home. You don't tend to dread nice people coming home.

I'm sure you'd have lots to say if you weren't living with this arse. He seems to be wanting to make you feel bad so he can feel good. He is a bully. The good news is that you don't have to put up with it. You can tell him to fuck off. You can leave him and be free. He, on the other hand will always be an inadequate bully.

In fact what would he do if you did tell him to fuck off?

Are you sure this is your natural way of being - or is your relationship to blame. I always feel worried when i see that someone has moved away from their friends and family to be with their partner as this leaves you very vulnerable.

he is using your own reactions as an excuse to be horrible to you (this NOT your fault). he chooses to be horrible and what kind of reaction does he expect to get from you? Wouldn't being nice to you and encouraging give him the reaction he wants - a woman who is upbeat, excited and happy?

The clicking fingers thing is abuse, pure and simple. this is intimidation and putting you in a position where you have no right thing to say.

Yours sounds like a nightmare existence and worse still, a child is about to enter the picture. I can guarantee that this will get worse when that happens. You will then become a boring Mum with nothing but the child to talk about (which I am sure he will find incredibly boring...)

You need to find a life for yourself. For you, not him. You sound as though self esteem has been an issue for most of your life and people like your OH choose those with esteem issues because it makes them feel better and in control. Your self esteem would improve no end if you were free of the relationship and I don't say that lightly. Ending a relationship should never be the first step, but I bet you have already walked a long way...

If anyone clicked their fingers in my face, they'd be out the fucking door.

Take your kids back to the country and be with the animals. Stay away from this abusive arse.

You're not a performing monkey!
What boring shit stuff does HE talk about?
My p was exactly like this until I pointed out I was at home with a baby all the time and there's only so many times you can say 'baby poo'd smiled cried' ect before it gets boring.
I'm also the same as you when I get pressure put on me, you wonder what the other person wants from you, you overthink it, then get left with nothing to say because you're worried that whatever you say, it'll be wrong/boring.
He sounds a right arsehole who is trying to pick holes in your self esteem/bring you down.
Sorry you're going through this. I'm not going to say LTB but and listen to the good advice you've had up thread x

I don't even know why I am posting. I know the answers anyway, that I should leave, that I shouldn't have wanted to have a baby with him.

He's made me feel worse than I ever have done about myself really. I was so much stronger before I met him. I was so confident in myself and my abilities. Now I won't even drive the car incase I scratch it or something happens and I get the blame. Sad thing is, I've been driving for 16 bloody years, all over the world.

My ex was an epic arsehole, but I never, ever let him speak to me in a rude or aggressive way, I didn't stand for it if he tried. Now I just roll over and take it and then cry myself to sleep. I don't know what I've become, I am disgusted with myself. I don't know who the hell I am anymore.

But life isn't always that black and white and leading isn't always an immediate option for many, many reasons.

As an aside when I walked away I told HIM he was a boring fucker as all he had to talk about was -work, himself, what cars he had when he was younger, what girls he went out with, and that stupid way when round younger men he started with 'dropping the b line' yeah man I can get down with the teenagers even though I'm an old man I think I look cool

Snort

I can't walk away easily. I have nowhere to go. I don't have any family, other than a very elderly father, my mother died when I was young and I have no siblings.

He wouldn't leave. He works, he pays the rent, so he sees it at his house. I have nothing and believe me, I know how hard it is to rent while on benefits, no one will take a housing benefit.

I also have my older dc to consider. Ex is dragging me over the coals and if I couldn't provide a stable home, I am scared that I would lose custody to ex (he is v rich so if it came to living in a hovel with me or being off with ex, I am scared dc would leave me).

He doesn't really talk to me about anything - he says he waits for me to say something. Or he just goes on and on about stuff from when he was younger, or how great his workmates are.

I read all the time. He doesn't; he's proud that he's never read a book. So we can't talk about that, he's not interested.

Gosh. I was going to suggest a subscription to the Economist as I have sometime that problem and I find that reading some good articles or debates makes me able to do chit chat with DH and others.

But when I got to him snapping his fingers at you. I realise this has nothing to do with your alleged lack of conversation. It is not a healthy relationship.

Can you talk to him about his behaviour? There is a lot to talk about there. Is it safe for you to do so?

Can you talk to your HV about this?

He has drained you Lou.. My p used to yell at me about where I parked the car! When I first went out with him, if he'd done that, I'd have parked the damn car in a wall and asked how he liked that..
I often wondered why I took the shit, simple answer is they grind away at you slowly until you've got nothing left and feel like you have to look to them for approval for every move you make, because 'they're always right and they're doing it to stop you making an idiot of yourself'

I stayed with mine after he cheated, then beat me up badly when I found out and messaged all the women (numerous) and their partners, I guess I should have thought right then that if anyone had a right to give someone else a battering it should have been me, but I had just had a baby, he brought social services back into my life, I can't look at pictures of my own son because it throws me back to that time. All your partner has stolen from you will be evident if you do this simple thing.. Look at photos of yourself from before you met him, then any recent ones. Notice the hollow, dead eye, afraid look, the sadness in your face. That's what I did.
Then repeat to yourself, 'I don't want my son making a woman feel this way' I did that too. Because your children will either become him, or accept someone like him, and that's my biggest regret. Don't let it become yours x

Women's aid will help you though sweetie, hell, I reckon you'd get offers from people on here of somewhere to stay if it'd get you away from that penis.

And how interesting it must be, his idea of conversation, yet I bet you listen without faux yawning, or saying 'fuck me you're boring' while snapping your fingers in HIS face.

He knows he has you trapped doesn't he, and is taking advantage of the opportunity to be a cock.

Angry on your behalf

He clicks his fingers in your face goading you?! That's awful. What a bully!

Things your post made me cry.

There is a photo of us in the bedroom that my dad took of us (it's the only one of us, and the only photo of me since I have been with him, he's never taken a photo of me) and I hate it. I have to turn it round when I am drying my hair. I look so bloody sad (and a fat, miserable mess) even though I am pretending to smile in it. It's next to a photo of me and ds on his firth birthday, a few years before I met dh. I look like a different person entirely and I was happy.

this is bullying, plain and simple. i lived with a man like this when i was seventeen. the manipulation, constant low-level abuse and sheer nastiness are exhausting.

looking back, i stayed because i was just so happy not to be living at home any more. you sound as if you feel trapped by the situation with your ex and your older child - this isn't healthy for you, your child or your unborn baby.

please think about contacting women's aid - even if just for advice. are you in regular contact with your GP? you can also confide lin your midwife.

i really wish you well - nobody should have to live like this.

I am sorry that you are going through this - he is treating you very badly.
What would you like to happen? Do you want to stay with him if he stops this behaviour? Or would you like to start afresh even though it would be scary to begin with?

I think you need to decide what you want, because your other half is not kind or supportive or loving. And you deserve all of those things.

Could you speak to Women's Aid? Or your GP, midwife or health visitor?you need some real life support to help you see what is really going on and to get some counselling, hand holding and support.

You are pregnant and he should be caring for you, not putting you down!

Please try and call someone to help you. It really can only get better.

Sorry I didn't want you to be upset.
Sadly it's a well known fact that a lot of abuse starts during pregnancy.
You're vulnerable, and less likely to leave. Your 'man' is a prat and I bet he knows it.
You mentioned the world having to stop if he was a bit low and wanted to talk about it. Mine was exactly the same, he'd ask how my day was then launch into his own tale of woe while I was mid sentence.
I did enjoy telling him that 'the world doesn't evolve round planet (p's name) lol it made him do goldfish impressions with his gob.

And don't down on yourself for posting here. You need support and will get it, you're among friends here. I understand you have struggled in rl, with no family/friends, try speaking to the midwife or, as I did, trot along to your nearest sure start centre, they are fab and the staff should be supportive, you'll meet people there depending on what you do service wise and make friends, shamefacedly I admit to having no friends when I had to move area and it wasn't until DS was at school when I found loads of people who wanted to talk to me and wanted my company, after years of being ground down it was fantastic.

Honestly, I wish I lived on my own.

My ex wasn't all that nice (but not this bad) but he worked abroad and was only home one weekend a month so it was bearable. I was happy on my own with ds. I have always been lonely, I have never had many friends and no real proper friends IFSIWM, so when I met now dh I though that finally I would be happy living in a proper marriage.

For someone upthread who asked, I did leave a lot for dh. But not friends or family, I didn't really have anyone where I lived, so I didn't isolate myself. I am miserable living in a city though, but dh has said he will never live in the country.

I had a very bad experience talking to HVs and midwives when pregnant with ds, I found them to cause more stress rather than help.

It hasn't just stated since pregnancy. He's awalys been like this. I knew I'd made a mistake when I moved in with him (believe it or not he has got better) but I was already stuck due to ex h and complications there.

Your ex remains abusive and this current man has just carried on with that process of abuse. You were targeted as before to be abused; your innate low sense of self worth and esteem was a magnet in both cases for such lowlifes to take advantage of.

You would, it goes without saying, be better off apart; this is no life for you or for your children for that matter. What do you think your eldest child is learning from the two of you about relationships here?. Do you want him thinking that what he is seeing is actually normal and how people behave in relationships?.

I would also urge you again to talk to Womens Aid and start planning your exit from this before any more damage is done to both you and your children. You would also very much benefit from their "Freedom Programme" as this is specifically for women who have been in abusive relationships.