DH complaining that I never have anything to say

[loopylouu]

And he's right, really, but the more he gets frustrated and angry about it, the more I withdraw.

He puts me under so much pressure to talk and be upbeat that it makes me go the other way sometimes.

I have virtually no self esteem anyway, and this is knocking me down as well. I really do have nothing to say though. I am at home all day, I am 24 weeks pregnant, I was studying prior to pregnancy but I am taking time out due to complications. I have an older hold from a previous relationship, but thats it. I lost the few friends I had when I split from my ex and I am not all that good with friendships really (I suffered horrendous bullying as a child so I never had friends at all as a child or teenager, so I missed out on learning about friendships). I have always been happier being a but of a loner.

He gets annoyed that I have no hobbies or any real interests, but I just don't. I moved across the country from a very rural location to a large city to be with him three years ago, my life prior to that was quite full, ds did some activities which took up time and I had friends through those, living so rurally has it's own distractions, I had a lot of animals to look after. Since moving here, my interests have gone really.

I had a shitty breakup with ds dad, he is still making life hard, I don't have the energy anymore to even think. I have felt so low and depressed for a few years which doesn't help.

I get very upset when he puts pressure on me and gets angry. He will literally get home and click his fingers in my face saying 'talk, come on, say something, anything'. I panic and it makes me feel so shit. I have nothing to say.

And all the time he's asking me 'what shall we do tonight' all the time. I am not a clown. When I turn it round and say 'well I don't know, what do you want to do' he gets in a stop and says he'll do his own thing then.

He's sometimes horrible to me but he says that's to provoke a reaction and to get me to respond. He has also stopped wanting to have sex as I don't stimulate him mentally apparently (another bone of contention, he doesn't have a high sex drive anyway, I always did, I've had to kill it for my own sanity since being with him) and when we do have sex, I am so pathetically grateful that he's showing me attention that it's all about him not me.

I am so miserable at the moment I don't know what to do.

I have tried talking to him, but he always turns everything around so I can't be bothered anymore.

I get lonely in the daytimes, but now I dread him coming in from work. And I know he does too, he's always saying how much of a laugh he has with people at work, how he looks forward to going in and chatting to them. It makes me feel even worse about myself, I cry all the time.

You are not to blame for being abused; you were targeted actively by these low life men who have basically shat all over you and your life.

Your life can be rebuilt but you need to take the first, often the most hardest of steps, on your own to get out. The first step out is to make the call to Womens Aid.

The thing is, he's so hard to talk to.

He thinks he's wonderful. People at work fawn all over him for some reason. When I first met him, he had friends buying him presents all the time. I just don't get it.

Why does everyone at work think he's so great? He must have a personality change on the way home.

He's also always doing things for workmates brining home their laptops to fix, sourcing bits and bobs of computer gear for them, he will take up whole evenings doing it. Yet when I ask him to put the washing on the radiators you'd think id asked him to to move a mountain. I don't understand why he's so dismissive and horrible to me.

The night I before we moved in together, my ex, just to be nasty locked me out of the house. My poor ds was screaming inside for me. I had no one to turn to so I rang (now) dh. Several attempts and he didn't pick up. I text him what had happened (I had to sleep in my car for the night in the winter) and he still didn't call back. The reason? His flatmate had found out her boyfriend had cheated on her and she was in a bad way, he had to be there for her and listen.

I wanted to call it all off there and then, but i had no choice but to leave and had just singed a lease with him on a flat.

Abusers like your H are often very plausible to those in the outside world but I would think that one or two of them have their doubts about him.

You know what he is really like behind closed doors. You've always been put last and you will always be last; he does not care a jot for you. Such types as well hate women, all of them.

Would you be willing to call Womens Aid?. They can and will help you here.

Oh loopy. My heart is breaking for you. You deserve so much better.

Tbh I doubt they think he is that great at work. He sounds like a guy I used to work with. In fact I imagined this guy to be very like your H when he got home.

As Attila says, please think about ringing Women's Aid. They can help and once you are away from him things will seem so much clearer.

If you can't have you thought about making a diary of every time him and your ex belittle you, make you feel like shit. As well as being useful for you to see what is happening and how often in a more detached manner, it could be used as leverage, information for police/solicitors etc should it get to that. It might also help formulate your thoughts when you are able to speak to Women's Aid.

Out of interest did you report your ex to the police for locking you out of your house?

No I didn't.

He was already threatening me with calling social services. I'd had PND when ds was born and I've suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. He was theatening telling them and his solicitor that I was a danger to ds (I'm not). I'd already had a cow of a health visitor threaten me with having ds taken when he was a baby (she reported me to ss as she thought my depression may harm him in the future, SS weren't interested though and didn't even come out, but I've always be wary since). So I didn't call the police as I was scared they would involve SS.

Dh doesn't know that I've suffered depression or about PND. I'll never be daft enough again go give anyone else ammo against me like I did with ex.

Just a thought here feel free to shoot me down in flames but do you think he is faithful to you? Just asking if you've noticed anything odd as he sounds like he's looking for ways to belittle you and disengage/have something bad to say about you. This is often what guilty people do to satisfy themselves that they're entitled to do whatever it is they're doing and shouldn't be, by making themselves believe they deserve it because 'you're a nightmare to live with'

Hope that was understandable..lol

Yeah I know what you mean, but I don't think he is or has been unfaithful. If he's not at work, he's at home, there's no late nights etc.

I forgot to mention it earlier but he does the good cop/bad cop thing constantly. Like he'll say something nasty, have a go at me for buying the wrong bin bags, stomp, swear, then hug me and tell me how much he loves me.

It's constant, a horrible thing then a nice thing. I never know where I stand.

He also loses his rag one second and then is calm the next. Makes big noises about being nice to me, doing something nice and then it doesn't happen.

To be honest sometimes I wish he would have an affair and fuck off. But even then He wouldn't leave, his family and friends have to see him as mr wonderful.

I truly do not understand why you planned this pregnancy, he has been vile from the beginning. Why?

Because I guess in moments of calm it feels okay.

I don't know. I will never, ever regret this baby whatever happens.

Loopy I'm so sorry. He knows exactly what he's doing and has no right to make you feel this way, I am also furious on your behalf. Can you call women's aid? It doesn't mean you have to leave straight away, it's someone to talk to and it will hopefully help you to realise that you do have options and don't have to live with this abusive idiot.

Timetoask not very appropriate, don't you think?

I wanted to pm you but won't allow me - would you be comfortable saying what part of the country you're in?

But your ex locked you out of your house. He just simply isn't allowed to do that.

This is why getting a physical distance away from abusive partners also releases the control mechanisms they use. When you are with an abusive person and still beholden to them then you really can't see the woods for the trees. He knew the threat of Social Services was enough to make you back down despite the fact that he was the one acting illegally and witholding his DS from his primary carer.

No, timetoask was right to ask me that. It's stupid of me I know. At almost 35, you'd think is know better. We lost a baby earlier this year at 16 weeks. I was devistasted. I wanted my baby back more than anything.

I'm in the midlands.

It wasn't my house though it was ex's. He flatly refused to put my name on it.

I'm not having a go at you there btw. I totally understand why you didn't go to the police and I thought it might have been something like that.

I do think you need to get some RL help though whether that's Women's Aid or a counsellor (maybe your GP can help with that).

OK, well I don't want to dwell on that as it isn't really the problem in hand but what he did was still wrong keeping you from your son. And if you were married it was your home regardless of what ex did with the deeds.

I agree with scallops. If DH ever locked me out away from my children, I would call the police so fast his head would spin and I would also push for him to be removed/arrested.

Women's Aid can help you. That is why everyone keeps going on about it! Do you feel up to calling them, maybe?

Sorry to hear about your baby loopy.

Don't forget all those that are saying they would have rung the police, you wouldn't have had months or years of your partner undermining you, emotionally abusing you and making you doubt yourself, and believe that if the police come social services will get involved and take your child away because you've been told you're an u for mother etc.

Yes, I will call them in the morning.

With regard to ex and the house we'd already separated. Ds and I were staying on my dads floor for two weeks, my divorce was going through. I'd taken nothing from him, I'd walked away from it all without a penny. I was collecting the last of my things when he locked me out.

*you're an unfit mother

Sorry about typos.

And yes, he'd always threatend to take ds from me. Which is why I walked away penniless and with nothing, it was that or have him drag me through courts for full custody. He's a horrid man.

Yes he sounds it . You did what was best for you at the time. He knew which buttons to press and kept on pressing them. However, now you have made the best decision ever and posted on MN! The power of MN (and some RL help) will help you get through this.

And I'm so sorry about your baby loopy. Been there ((hugs)).

Thank you - to everyone.

I've never written down or said aloud any of this before

God that man sounds like my abusive ex from 20 years ago. Landlords DO take housing benefit claimants/ people on benefits- my friend is a LL and his tenant was pregnant and had split up from her DP when she moved in. I echo contact Womens Aid and get some advice then plan your next steps. You are worth more than this chump and there ARE decent men out there.

God, I wouldn't want another man, ever.

The housing situation is why I am so scared. Honestly, finding a landlord or agent who will take HB is like a needle in a haystack.

We claim partial HB at the moment, only £200 per month, dh works full time, was (taking a break) a full time mental health nursing student and still no one would take us. We were in a hovel which was almost dangerous for over a year before we found this flat, which is still far too small. It is so hard to find anywhere, we've been looking to move from here for six months now to somewhere more suitable, we are knocked back all the time, so I don't fancy my chances of finding somewhere alone with a child and a baby on the way.

I was the student, sorry