Is my relationship over?

[yeahyeah75]

My BF wants kids NOW and I'm just not "there" yet, hence 9 year relationship might be over.

Will I ever be "there?" What if I don't want children but I have one to please him and I hate it but it's too late? He is 33 and I'm 28 so I feel like I still have time. :0(

At the minute it is destroying us and forgotten how to be happy together.

I would say if your relationship isn't strong before you have children, adding them in to the mix will not make things better.

Honestly, if you are not sure that you will ever want them then let him go so that you can both find people who are happy with your decisions/needs.

I think unfortunately if he really wants them right now and you don't, there isn't any way of squaring the circle, he'll have to find someone else.

Are you arguing about this a lot? I'm just interested in the "forgotten how to be happy together" comment. Is it really coming up that much?

Yes it's coming up a lot, he's given me an ultimatum, said I will never be "ready" and I will keep putting him off forever.

Hm, the "being ready" question. So far as I can tell from whenever these threads come up, some people are definitely "ready" early, some later, some people never feel ready at all but decide to go for it anyway (with mixed results - some regret it) and some people never feel ready and never have a go either (again, with mixed results - some people regret not doing it when it's too late).

So every scenario you can possibly imagine has happened, and there are no easy predictions. He might be right that you'll never be ready (and I guess his implication is "you just have to go for it") but he might also be totally and utterly wrong. He's constructing a narrative that happens to suit him.

What about the practicalities? Would it be you giving up working years and future earnings to raise this child?

What do your family/friends think?

I was in the same position, and with the benefit of hindsight I would say split now, don't waste your youth being unhappy, feeling under pressure, and living with constant resentment.

It took me until I was 39 to decide I did want children, and right now looking at my 9 month old dd I can say she is the best thing that ever happened to me, but I am glad I waited until I was ready. Motherhood is pretty all consuming. You need to want it to enjoy it.

MadBusLady - Thanks for the different viewpoints, I would continue to work full time and he would be SAHD, it would be a struggle but I guess we could manage. My friends; well I don't really have any to be honest apart from one... they have all kind of drifted away in the last few years. My family just want me to be happy.

Worsestershiresauce - How did you come to make your decision in the end?

Tell me about the friends drifting away. This might be more relevant than you think. When I have been through phases like that I have been directionless and prone to bad decision-making, in a bit of a "fog" where I try to second-guess my feelings and future feelings. I think this is down to a lack of feedback and perspective from enough other people. My life simplifies dramatically when I pick up friendships again. No romantic partner can or should be the whole of anyone's psychological resources - and certainly not in a high stress situation like early years child-rearing.

Well the friendships I did have kind of withered over time, I always made the effort to keep them going but kind of fizzled out. We have no "coupley" friends of our own or friends with children that we could hang out with but that doesn't bother him as he says that friends will come and go but we will always be a constant.

I have to admit to feeling lonely a lot (not his fault) and I worry if we do have a child these feelings will just be amplified :0(

Don't have a baby if you don't really want one. If he chooses to leave you then so be it.

He has some very definite views, doesn't he. Does he know that you feel lonely a lot?

I'll come off the fence and say I think your instinct is correct. I don't know anything about having children really, but I do think wanting/having them should come from a place of joy, not be attended by fear of how much worse they're going to make everything and what they're going to curtail. And it certainly seems like a bad idea to have them when you're not even sure you've built a complete and satisfying adult life for yourself first - unless you have the rush of hormones that overpowers everything, of course, which you don't.

Just out of interest, do you think he'd be a good dad?

Yes I think he'd be a great Dad, he is very secure in himself and content with life but it's myself I'm more worried about.

It's very hard as I know in a few years I'll probably be in the same place as him but by then he will have found someone else and had a family with them. Again that's not a reason enough for me to have a child though.

Yeah, "secure in himself and content with life" is very much the impression I'm getting. Again, does he know you're lonely? Has he always taken a lead in making decisions in your life, and pronouncements about what does and doesn't matter? From what you say, you'd like to have some couply friends, but he's not bothered, and the net result of that seems to be that it doesn't happen. Why is that?

Would it be so completely heartbreaking if the relationship ended? You've been with him since you were pretty young. People change. And time is on your side to find someone who is more on your timetable.

Agree with above posters. As someone who is 38 weeks pregnant and feeling like crap, I am massively grumpy with my DH at the moment - and I was very very keen to get pregnant in the first place. Can't imagine how resentful I'd feel right now towards him if I'd not been keen. Being pregnant is so much more difficult and uncomfortable than I thought it would be (granted, not everyone feels this way) and having a baby is a huge life change, so definitely worth being on the same page as your partner if you can, before you commit to it. Hope you can resolve this amicably.

yeah I can only speak from my own experience but I was very wishy washy about having kids with XH and we didn't thank god. With now DH I couldn't wait to start a family and was so surprised with myself as I always was a bit meh about the whole kids thing.

Loads of women are with the right man and don't want a family and that's fine of course. But are your reasons for not wanting children purely personal and not to do with whether he's the right one for you? I just have to ask sorry if it's a bit intrusive. If he really loved you he'd wait is my thinking. It's hard for us because our lives change so fundamentally in terms of career, bodies, priorities and men I don't think will ever understand or appreciate that fully.

Just on a purely biological front you have time right now and you don't need to rush into a decision. I never thought I would say this as I sound like my mum but honestly I wouldn't leave it too long if you would like children at some point. You don't know what life may give you on the whole conception journey. Not that you should rush off and have a baby with whoever is available but just factor the age thing into longer range thinking. Others would say different and there are tons of happy examples on forums here thank goodness. But it isn't always how we think it will and giving yourself the time a) to come to the right choice for you and b) allowing enough time for that choice to happen are important.

And as my mum also says, there is never a good time to have a baby no matter how we may plan it!

yeah I can only speak from my own experience but I was very wishy washy about having kids with XH and we didn't thank god. With now DH I couldn't wait to start a family and was so surprised with myself as I always was a bit meh about the whole kids thing.

Loads of women are with the right man and don't want a family and that's fine of course. But are your reasons for not wanting children purely personal and not to do with whether he's the right one for you? I just have to ask sorry if it's a bit intrusive. If he really loved you he'd wait is my thinking. It's hard for us because our lives change so fundamentally in terms of career, bodies, priorities and men I don't think will ever understand or appreciate that fully.

Just on a purely biological front you have time right now and you don't need to rush into a decision. I never thought I would say this as I sound like my mum but honestly I wouldn't leave it too long if you would like children at some point. You don't know what life may give you on the whole conception journey. Not that you should rush off and have a baby with whoever is available but just factor the age thing into longer range thinking. Others would say different and there are tons of happy examples on forums here thank goodness. But it isn't always how we think it will and giving yourself the time a) to come to the right choice for you and b) allowing enough time for that choice to happen are important.

And as my mum also says, there is never a good time to have a baby no matter how we may plan it!

yeah I can only speak from my own experience but I was very wishy washy about having kids with XH and we didn't thank god. With now DH I couldn't wait to start a family and was so surprised with myself as I always was a bit meh about the whole kids thing.

Loads of women are with the right man and don't want a family and that's fine of course. But are your reasons for not wanting children purely personal and not to do with whether he's the right one for you? I just have to ask sorry if it's a bit intrusive. If he really loved you he'd wait is my thinking. It's hard for us because our lives change so fundamentally in terms of career, bodies, priorities and men I don't think will ever understand or appreciate that fully.

Just on a purely biological front you have time right now and you don't need to rush into a decision. I never thought I would say this as I sound like my mum but honestly I wouldn't leave it too long if you would like children at some point. You don't know what life may give you on the whole conception journey. Not that you should rush off and have a baby with whoever is available but just factor the age thing into longer range thinking. Others would say different and there are tons of happy examples on forums here thank goodness. But it isn't always how we think it will and giving yourself the time a) to come to the right choice for you and b) allowing enough time for that choice to happen are important.

And as my mum also says, there is never a good time to have a baby no matter how we may plan it!

yeah I can only speak from my own experience but I was very wishy washy about having kids with XH and we didn't thank god. With now DH I couldn't wait to start a family and was so surprised with myself as I always was a bit meh about the whole kids thing.

Loads of women are with the right man and don't want a family and that's fine of course. But are your reasons for not wanting children purely personal and not to do with whether he's the right one for you? I just have to ask sorry if it's a bit intrusive. If he really loved you he'd wait is my thinking. It's hard for us because our lives change so fundamentally in terms of career, bodies, priorities and men I don't think will ever understand or appreciate that fully.

Just on a purely biological front you have time right now and you don't need to rush into a decision. I never thought I would say this as I sound like my mum but honestly I wouldn't leave it too long if you would like children at some point. You don't know what life may give you on the whole conception journey. Not that you should rush off and have a baby with whoever is available but just factor the age thing into longer range thinking. Others would say different and there are tons of happy examples on forums here thank goodness. But it isn't always how we think it will and giving yourself the time a) to come to the right choice for you and b) allowing enough time for that choice to happen are important.

And as my mum also says, there is never a good time to have a baby no matter how we may plan it!

God sorry for all those posts stupid phone

Thanks for the input Violet, hope you will be relieved soon :0) Relieved? Can you say that to a pg woman?!

He knows I'm lonely yes, he thinks I would make more friends by having kids but I think that's a bit of a risk to take..

I would be heartbroken if it ended mainly because I don't feel I could love someone else as much as I love him, but again maybe we're hurting each other more by staying together when we both want different things.

yeah biological clock I think. I had to look after my niece for a week as my sister was unwell. On the last day as I drove her to nursery she said 'I'll miss you Aunty Worse', and when I drove away I could see her watching me through the window with tears running down her face. It broke my heart. I loved that little girl so much and she wasn't even mine. I really grew up that week, and suddenly realised life wasn't all about me, it was about the next generation, and having the experience of loving a little dependent person more than you ever realised was possible.

Children are a massive commitment, but they give back more than they take. Having a family is a very personal choice though and one you should enter into on your terms not be pressurised into by someone else.

Well, again, I'm getting the impression he knows best for himself and thinks he knows what's best for you. You have a problem, which is you're lonely. His solution = something he happens to want anyway. And having kids in order to make friends seems like a very roundabout way of going about it, to say the least. Anyway, if he's the SAHD he'd be the one going to all the baby groups and making all the school gate contacts, so it doesn't even make sense.

So again, I think, listen to that inner voice. You have priorities which it is your right to pursue. They are not necessarily the same as his priorities.

Not quite sure about this.

My husband years older than me and was very broody, quite early on. But he never pressurised me. I didn't have my first child until 5 years into the relationship & 3 years after we were married.

I'm just wondering why your bf is putting this much pressure on you. Why it's so important to do it now. Why can't he wait until you're ready? It's not like he has a biological clock.

You cannot pressure someone to risk their life to carry a baby if they are not 100% committed. It's your body, he should respect that. And, as others have said, motherhood is so all consuming that you have to be completely ready.

Also - is that the only reason that you've 'forgotten how to be happy'? Are there other issues?