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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my relationship over?

77 replies

yeahyeah75 · 02/12/2013 11:59

My BF wants kids NOW and I'm just not "there" yet, hence 9 year relationship might be over.

Will I ever be "there?" What if I don't want children but I have one to please him and I hate it but it's too late? He is 33 and I'm 28 so I feel like I still have time. :0(

At the minute it is destroying us and forgotten how to be happy together.

OP posts:
LittlePeaPod · 03/12/2013 12:13

Op 28 is nothing. I am 37 and we are having our first child this month (due NYE). You have plenty of time to have a child and when you are ready, you won't have any doubts.

I felt just like you do at 28. Career focused (still am), wanted to own my own property and have some stability and resources. I just wasn't read for a child.

I don't regret a thing and I am glad I followed my heart.

ImperialBlether · 03/12/2013 12:17

I agree with LittlePeaPod. 28 really is nothing. You are a very young woman!

QuintessentialShadows · 03/12/2013 12:18

OP, remember we are mostly in our 40s, some of us think 28 is young. Wink

Original poster
yeahyeah75 · 03/12/2013 12:29

I know I have a clock and it will start to tick but it's not ticking that loudly yet Sad

OP posts:
SummerPlum · 03/12/2013 12:34

He's got it all planned out, hasn't he?

That little nagging voice you can hear, OP? It's resentment. Listen to it.

QuintessentialShadows · 03/12/2013 12:35

I doubt your clock will start ticking with this man. It isnt right for you.

Dont leave finding a proper life partner so late that the clock run out of oooomph by the time you do....

scallopsrgreat · 03/12/2013 12:36

I didn't want kids at 28. Furthest thing from my mind. I wasn't sure I ever wanted to have kids. I did eventually have them...10 years later. Not recommending that as a solution btw as that comes with many risks - fertility being one of them.

As WallaceWindsock says having a baby is irreversible and has so many more risks for women than men. You absolutely have the right to take your time over this. The implications for him are not the same as for you. He, at the moment is completely disrespecting that and disregarding your feelings.

I am another one who is Hmm about it being selfish the going out with friends too.

scallopsrgreat · 03/12/2013 12:39

"I have a good job but I suspect everything would fall to me in terms of responsibility and I'm not sure if I'm up for that." See it's there again. That little red flag. Why would it be your responsibility? Especially as he is is supposedly going to be a SAHD?

LittlePeaPod · 03/12/2013 12:40

Op some people are desperate fir kids in there 20s and would do anything even sacrifice their careers etc. nothing wrong with that but is that really for you? It certainly wasn't fir me. But I followed my dreams, I have a great career and when I was ready I fell pregnant. But it was all on my terms and I didn't have to compromise.

You will know when you are truly ready. Do all the things you want you do, have a great career, get financially stable so you don't have to rely on anyone when you do have you child. Enjoy your 29s. You have lots of time! Enjoy your life. Don't get saddled with life long commitment you are not ready for.

QuintessentialShadows · 03/12/2013 13:03

"We have no "coupley" friends of our own or friends with children that we could hang out with but that doesn't bother him as he says that friends will come and go but we will always be a constant. "

and then:

" he likes the fact that we'd be tied together for life."

I bet he does! If you are looking for an ulterior motive, it is right there!

He wants you, and only you. And your child. You go out to work and bring the money in, he stays at home and look after the baby. You want a secure job and a step on the housing ladder, but he does not care about that, does he?

In fact, he has been in and out of jobs, and now when he has a job he is not enjoying, he is looking for you to provide him with a child so he could stay at home without guilt, in order to motivate him. Had he shared your values, he had also been keen to bring a stable income to the table, and to buy a home rather than rent. He wants to lay all the responsibility of earning on your shoulders now.

"He actually said that me giving him a child would give him more motivation to succeed in his life "

This is a massive red flag. His motivation should come from himself.
But how does this tally with his ideas that he should be a stay at home dad while YOU work?

"He is very much thinking have a baby and go with the flow type thing."

So he does not really have a plan. And at the end of the day you are worried that you will be landed with all the responsibility of the home anyway.

"At the minute it is destroying us and forgotten how to be happy together." I am not surprised.

You say your family want you to be happy. How is he getting on with your family? His own?

QuintessentialShadows · 03/12/2013 13:04

".. the friendships I did have kind of withered over time"
"I have to admit to feeling lonely a lot (not his fault)"

How can it not be his fault when he is resentful and he calls you selfish when you are meeting friends?

Listen to that little inner voice, it is trying to tell you something here!

MadBusLady · 03/12/2013 13:15

OP, there is a lot of space between "abusive" and "not a good partner".

Why the sneaking feeling that all the responsibility would fall to you?

Why the sneaking feeling that he hasn't thought this through properly?

Why the withered friendships? Why no new ones, even though that's what you want?

Why is his solution to your loneliness something that pleases him?

Why isn't he listening to your desires re: security and a house?

Why is he trying to guilt you by saying you've "led him on"? Hmm Who the hell starts going out with someone at 19 and sees that as an immediate commitment to babies?

Why is he saying you could make new friends as a mum if he's going to be the SAHD? It makes no sense.

Why does he need a child to make him secure and motivated? That is ridiculous, and a hell of a lot of pressure to put on a helpless new soul.

All these are doubts you have voiced, directly or indirectly. You can have legitimate doubts about someone's character and responsibility and your future with them, without seeing them as evil or abusive.

MadBusLady · 03/12/2013 13:17

Oh yes, and most of all, the being "selfish" for going out with friends thing.

I suspect we all noticed you avoiding saying anything further on that subject.

Do not crush that particular doubt down. It is important.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 03/12/2013 13:22

Yes, the idea that a young, childless woman is selfish for going out with her friends is pretty messed up.

sunbathe · 03/12/2013 13:24

I never wanted children until I was with dh, married (important to me), and in our own house.

Then I wanted children. I felt settled and ready. I was 33.

Something's not right for you, op. Can you agree to revisit the issue in a year and in the meantime rediscover yourselves as a couple?

Mishmashofstyles · 03/12/2013 13:51

I don't know why he's necessarily such a monster for wanting a baby and perhaps hoping to stay at home in his thirties after a nine year relationship. He could be any one of a number of my female friends!

QuintessentialShadows · 03/12/2013 13:52

"Can you agree to revisit the issue in a year and in the meantime rediscover yourselves as a couple?"

The sensible thing to do, but alas, he has issued an ultimatum, and is trying to guilt trip her, saying she led him on.

A bit difficult in those circumstances. Sad

I am not saying he is abusive, just that they dont seem suited. Especially not as parents, when this is the starting point.

Weegiemum · 03/12/2013 13:58

I quite often end up posting this on threads about conception.

Firstly - your boyfriend sounds like a bit of an arse, and it sounds like he'd have dc with anyone and you don't want them with him. All his talk of validation, giving him the impetus to succeed - all crap. Sounds like he actually has no idea what it's really like (well, honestly do any of us?) and I'd take the sahd talk with a generous pinch of salt!! I was going back FT to teaching in secondary school when I had my first - I didn't teach much again until my youngest was 4 and that's in the charity sector, very different!!

My take on conception is this - I've 3 dc, now 13,11,10 who were born when I was 29,31,32. We've been married since we were both 24. However I had some odd symptoms when I was 35 and after investigation I was found to be entering the menopause. I'm now out the other side - and 43! Lots of people will tell you that you have loads of time - there are people on here who've had babies at 46. But tbh that's as unusual as early menopause. My OB said that for every woman who he sees who conceived within a year naturally over 38, he saw a woman with prem menopause. I'm not trying to scare you. But lots of women assume they have all the time in the world and many simply don't.

I'm not in any way saying that will happen to you. From what you've described, I'd certainly be considering my options wrt your relationship. But it's something to bear in mind!

QuintessentialShadows · 03/12/2013 14:08

Yup,

I have two sons. They are 11 and 8. I am 41. I was 30 and 33 when I had them. I had been with my husband since I was 21, and although we knew were were "it", we had no aspirations of having kids early. We did want the same things though, so worked hard in interesting jobs, were travelling to interesting places (on a shoe string) and got on the housing ladder back in 2000, two years before our oldest was born. He was not planned, truth be told.

My best mates have different stories. Gina got married in 2003. Her husband came from a large family and were dreaming of lots of children. Tina got married in 2010 after a string of weird and stormy relationships. Tina has just given birth to her second child. Gina has had three rounds of unsuccessful IVF treatment, and at 41 is now too old. She is scared her husband will now leave, because at 41 he is still young and handsome, and can easily find a new partner to give him children.

You never know what life will throw at you, and you cant take neither your relationship nor your fertility for granted. The best you can do is to not waste time in relationship which is not right for you.

worsestershiresauce · 03/12/2013 16:30

There seems to be a consensus opinion that he has some less than admirable motives behind his desire for children, but actually it could just be as simple as he really wants to be a dad. If I look round my friends, I'd say that in the majority of cases the push for starting a family came from the man. Perhaps we should allow him the benefit of the doubt on this. The OP can know if there is more to it, but we can't really.

My DH was so desperate for children he was prepared to try surrogacy, anything, and in the end our marriage almost ended over it. That was an emotional and biological urge that over came everything else in his life. He just wanted children. He is an excellent dad, but before dd was born I had my doubts. I knew him as a career obsessed, rather selfish man. Fatherhood completely changed him, and I think he would agree that the responsibility of children is a big motivation to provide financial security.

It is never right to put pressure on a partner, but sometimes people do things that aren't right in this particular situation. It doesn't make them fundamentally bad in all respects.

SELondonSwede · 03/12/2013 16:55

I have been there but the other way around. I was ready for years when my oh wasnt. This was unbelievably hard for both of us. We have a gorgeous child now and we are very very happy. But it was so hard for the two of us, it consumed us both for so long. In hindsight I would not advice anyone to wait the way I did. It is souldestroying and i would not do it again.
Ultimately though you are both adults and it is his choice if he wants to stay. That is of course provided that you are honest enogh to tell him that you may never be ready. If you give him the cards he can make a choice. If you tell him ot yet but mean never- then be kind and leave him.

Twinklestein · 03/12/2013 16:59

I agree worcester he could just want to be a dad, so why wasn't that on his list of reasons?

Original poster
yeahyeah75 · 03/12/2013 16:59

I think you've hit the nail on the head there Worsestershire. It is literally his dream to be a Dad and that's what it boils down to. He has no real career plans, is more of a work to earn money to pay the bills type person.

Me on the other hand my job/independence is really important to me and I guess I'm scared of losing that and being reliant on him.

OP posts:
livingzuid · 03/12/2013 17:01

OP no 28 is not old, of course not. But I just want to share my situation - met right man at 32, decided to actively ttc 33, mc in Feb and finally now 13 1/2 weeks today at 35. Over 2 years of trying. Every single woman in my family gets pregnant just being in the vicinity of sperm - my mum included. I had aunts and cousins fall pregnant easily in their late 30s and early 40s. Not me. We never think it can happen to us and chances are it won't - but if you do want children please don't leave it too long :)

Moy question still remains if this is the right man of you to have those children with. Forget the clock for a second, think about what you want from your life partner with him as a dad and supporting you as a mother. Does he fit the bill of what you want and need?

livingzuid · 03/12/2013 17:07

And my DH is the same he wants to be a dad so badly, it's more of a lifetime dream for him than it ever was for me. He only works to pay bills so we clash over that sometimes. But boy he works hard and has 2 jobs and runs a business with his dad on the side. His priority is making sure he can take care of his family and I'm just not getting that sense from your OH - to stay at home is a joint decision not arbitrarily decided by him because it's his life goal.