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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Today I learnt about my husbands affair.

21 replies

Doodles4 · 01/12/2013 22:48

Sorry this is my first ever post and I'm devastated that it's to say that today I found out my whole married life is a lie. He's admitted an affair with the local village bike - someone who wished us both a happy anniversary on Facebook on the 14th November, and liked the photograph of the gift he bought me! I am numb, I don't know what the hell to do with Christmas so close as well. I have two daughters 17 and 14 but he has been a father to them for 12 years - they will be devastated. I work for him (we rub our own business). I can't bring myself to tell anyone, what a mess.

OP posts:

RhondaJean · 01/12/2013 22:51

Here's a hand to hold until someone with advice comes along. There are lots of wise people here who can help you have come to the right place.

Have you just found out now? Can you make a cup of tea?

Original poster

Doodles4 · 01/12/2013 22:52

I found out this morning, not really sure how I've made it through the day but I have, thank you x

OP posts:

Notnastypasty · 01/12/2013 22:52

Not any advice but didn't want to read and run. So sorry to hear this, I've been there too and know hiw devastating it is. Do you have someone in your family or a best friend you can trust? Talking to people I knew I could trust really helped me through the first few weeks.

LetsCancelChristmas · 01/12/2013 22:55

I'm so so sorry you're going through this.
You don't need to hear about how I went though, got through and survived the same thing right now.
You'll survive. I promise.

Find someone who loves you - tell them - then cry your heart out.
That's all you can do right now.

ladygoingGaga · 01/12/2013 22:55

You don't need to tell anyone yet, you need to come to terms with this yourself before anything else.

An affair doesn't necessarily make your whole marriage a sham, you need some time to think, decide what you want.

Can you get some time alone, without him?

Cerisier · 01/12/2013 23:47

I am so sorry you are going through this. You need some time to process everything calmly now. Don't rush into any decisions.

Original poster

Doodles4 · 02/12/2013 00:27

Thank you all, I just feel numb, then worthless, then angry. I will speak to someone. I hate crying in public so fingers crossed this uncontrollable sobbing stops soon!

OP posts:

myroomisatip · 02/12/2013 00:29

I know it is complicated because you share a business but it is not insurmountable.

Get yourself off to the CAB and to a solicitor (or a few solicitors) and get some advice.

As for your daughters, well, I think you need to set a good example to them.

I also agree that, if possible, you need to get him to leave to give you time to process this.

beaglesaresweet · 02/12/2013 00:33

Does he know that you know? what is he saying?
Entirely natural to sob, be kind to yourself.

Mellowandfruitful · 02/12/2013 00:34

Sorry this has happened to you. Do you know how long the affair has gone on for? I take it he doesn't know you know yet?

What are you supposed to be doing tomorrow? Can you take the day off (without telling him) and just give yourself time to work through it and get calm enough to speak to him?

eden263 · 02/12/2013 00:40

Haven't got much in the way of advice, sorry, but your daughters are old enough to understand what he's done and that he's caused this, and will be able to at least hug you if not practically support you. I would think that they will be pretty angry with him for doing this to their mum.

Crying is fine and perfectly natural, and a good release. You will get through it. It will be shit and horrid and difficult, but you will. xx

Original poster

Doodles4 · 02/12/2013 01:32

Yes he knows I know, it's only been a short 2 month affair and I've been convinced he's up to something the whole time - he did all the textbook bull about me being paranoid and not trusting him (when I have 100%) but at least he had the good grace to admit it when I intercepted a text from her. So much going on in my head.thank you all x

OP posts:

ThreeLittleWords · 02/12/2013 01:39

How horrible for you doodles.

A one night stand may have been forgivable. Two months is a long time and a lot of lies.

Take time to consider what you want to do. Don't let financial reasons keep you there.

Stay strong.

KiwiJude · 02/12/2013 04:05

Sorry you had this happen to you Doodles :( I'm hopeless in these situations and never know what to say, but in your case if she's the village bike get to a doctor and have STI and infectious bloods done pronto.

Hopefully you have a friend who will pass tissues, wine and/or chocolate.

Mrscaindingle · 02/12/2013 04:54

I too didn't want to read and run, some hand holding here too. I have also just found proof (pictures in my case) of my STBX's affair even though he too swore blind that nothing was going on.
I'm up at 4 in the morning feeling sick and shaky and like I'm back to square one(we split 5 months ago) and it is the most horrible feeling.
It is shock really and I think you need to let someone in RL know to support you. I've got my mum staying with me to help with the kids as I feel like I am on auto pilot right now and not functioning properly, just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel really.

Original poster

Doodles4 · 02/12/2013 10:47

Ohhh mrscaindingle (cool name by the way) you poor thing. It's all a little overwhelming at the moment but I have told a really good friend (she doesn't actually know my husband so I feel that helps) Decided last night that for now I'll try and carry on until Christmas my girls love Christmas and the upheaval of moving out is just too much now. I don't think we have a future I don't think I can forgive but in all honesty I don't yet know. I gave up a lot to be with him and 12 years have just been dumped on. The girls love him like a father (biologically he's not their dad) they will find it hard to forgive - I won't tell them if we stay together but if I do leave they will be told.

OP posts:

Mrscaindingle · 02/12/2013 14:02

You're a braver woman than I Doodles, I'm not sure I could keep it up for that long but then I think as mums we often do what's best for our kids even if it's harder on us.
I hope you manage to give your girls a lovely Christmas, they are very lucky to have you as their mum

Vivacia · 02/12/2013 14:11

Between now and Christmas is a long time. I wouldn't rush in to any decisions for four week's hence. The standard advice in this situation is to ask the cheating partner to leave for a few days. Gives you time and space to gather your thoughts and gives them the realisation of what they stand to lose.

Hissy · 02/12/2013 14:39

I agree with Vivacia, take each day as it comes.

TBH, the best thing is to get him to get out for a while, give yourselves time to think and he needs to see what LOSS is.

ormirian · 02/12/2013 14:40

Best advice I can give is don't rush into anything. It's totally up to you what happens now.

So sorry x

houmousandcarrotsandwich · 02/12/2013 15:39

Hand holding x

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