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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I ring my Dad?

18 replies

JingleMyBells · 01/12/2013 12:19

I haven't spoken to my dad in over 6 months. We had a fight because he wouldn't let DS and me come to stay with him. In fact it was just DS he didn't want to stay. He claims it is because his dog is viscous but that's not true, it's because DS was once rude to my stepmother. This was three years ago when DS was 7 so not exactly swearing etc just normal 7 year old high jinx really that got a bit out of hand.

Anyway, I do want to talk to him but I am cross because I know that his wife has allowed her son to have his baby in their house. Yet my son is not allowed. My dad has a history of not talking to me, he once ignored me for 8 years until I called him.

What should I do? Should I just call and accept that DS is not welcome? This has been festering for ages and I know I will have to be the one to make the first move.

OP posts:

Monetbyhimself · 01/12/2013 12:23

Call him.

Lweji · 01/12/2013 12:25

Why do you want to talk to him?
Why would you want to keep in touch with someone who ignored you for 8 years?

Original poster

JingleMyBells · 01/12/2013 12:26

Two very different responses!!

OP posts:

Hassled · 01/12/2013 12:28

I wouldn't call - I'd move on and leave it. Your son isn't welcome and "normal" parents don't not talk to a child for 8 years - can you ever imagine doing that to your own DS? It must be bloody hard for you to deal with and I'm sorry, but focus your attentions on the people who do care about you and who do matter.

Lweji · 01/12/2013 12:30

For a better perspective, what happened with your son and why were you not in contact for 8 years?

Monetbyhimself · 01/12/2013 12:35

Call him because his behaviour towards you may be influenced by his wife. Call him and see if he wants to hesl the hurt. Because life is just too short.

hoppinghare · 01/12/2013 12:35

Oh. I was going to say call him. He is your dad and I would love to call mine but I can't. But if he ignores you for years he isn't like a 'dad'. He sounds mean. I wouldn't not talk to him but I wouldn't care too much how nice he was to me if he was like that.

Original poster

JingleMyBells · 01/12/2013 12:37

When we weren't in contact for 8 years that was when I was a child so that was more "adult" stuff that didn't concern me. There was nothing stopping him contacting me though. Keep thinking about him and how I miss him. He is just a very stubborn person and unless I make the first move then no-one will It's just so hard because DS isn't welcome.

OP posts:

Lweji · 01/12/2013 12:43

If my DS wasn't welcome anywhere I certainly wouldn't go.

How is your dad normally, when you were in contact?

And what did your DS say? And how did you react to it?

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 01/12/2013 12:50

No.

My Dad has never apologised in his life. In fact after reading Toxic Parents and time on the stately homes thread, I've realised he'll never change. He is who he is. I miss the idea of a loving father but he actually brings nothing good to the relationship, it was all me making it work and trying to gain his approval and trying to fix things. Life is easier without him in it tbh. He never liked my kids and lost patience with them. Ironically my twin brother is the golden child and his son is very welcome there.

Obviously my pov is based on my experience but the fact your Dad can hold such a grudge for so long, doesn't look good at all to me. But I understand why you want to speak.

I do sometimes cry and miss talking to my Dad but he was awful. If any of this rings a bell, maybe you should swing by the stately homes thread.

clam · 01/12/2013 12:52

Seriously, who holds a grudge against a 7yr old's antics for 8 years? And if it's his wife's doing, then that almost makes it worse. You can call it being stubborn if you like, but I'd call it being a bastard. His own daughter and grandson? You're being too understanding here.

clam · 01/12/2013 12:53

Oops, sorry - just seen the grudge hasn't been for 8 years, but 6 months.
Either way, the point remains.

Monetbyhimself · 01/12/2013 13:00

I do understand toxic parents. My Ex MIL is one and flits in and out of Exs life every few years. So I do understand. I also know how powerful a spouse can be when it comes to their husband or wife's children. If you miss your dad, call him. Worst case scenario, things don't go well. But living with uncertainty is horrendous.

ThumbInTheAir · 01/12/2013 15:31

Call him, he could be killed by a bus next week.
If he gives you the cold shoulder then at least you tried...

MrsMoon76 · 01/12/2013 15:39

I don't know if I could see him if he didn't want my DS around but maybe you could have some kind of relationship by telephone? Or invite him out? If that didn't work then I think I would leave it.

pumpkinsweetie · 01/12/2013 15:48

Call him, if you believe your stepmother has played the most part in the fued. If it was indeed completely your dad's feelings of your 7yo then don't bother as he won't have changed.

Flisspaps · 01/12/2013 16:01

I wouldn't call.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/12/2013 16:02

What would you want to achieve from this call if it was made?.
Why would you want to start talking with your dad who did not previously talk to you for 8 years (for some spurious reason no doubt).

I would not call him; infact he and his wife sound as bad as each other. He seems very much under her thumb and as such acts out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

Flip