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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How predictable, another husband and porn thread

132 replies

jadeddazedandconfused · 29/11/2013 20:06

Well my husband has finally admitted 'a problem ' with porn, no surprise to me, he says it's all mainstream but I cannot come to terms with the way he has rejected me for such a long time so I think it might be game over. He has always known I don't care about mainstream porn it's the lying and replacing a physical relationship with his own interests.

He has always been 'a lovely man' but over the years there have been some 'incidents' which have been unnerving for me.
There was a lot of child abuse around my family when I was growing up and I am unsurprisingly more sensitive to it than most people.
I have witnessed what I believe to be inappropriate behaviour from him, with young people /children which could be written off or barely noticed by some people. and i found one websearch in 2008 which could be construed as dodgy depending on your feelings about the subject
I don't think I can go further in finding out what he's 'in to' I can't be bothered, I am angry and feel let down and if he is a pervert I don't think I'm ready to find out.

He works in IT for 30 years and if he wanted to he could hide anything. He is generally quite secretive and not particularly sexual with me unless I make a big deal of it, although I know he is interested in sex because I have in the past done limited cyber stalking and apart from one occasion I found him to have 'normal' interests.

The other big issue is that I suffer with anxiety which has been made worse following the birth of my children and it's hard for me to work out what is a genuine problem and what is my over active and paranoid imagination.
I can't discuss it with friends because it's such a controversial subject and I can't just rock up at the police station with the computer because if I'm wrong It will of course wreck my marriage although it feels pretty much shattered now.

I need to know if there is anything to be concerned about though, I have daughters and we are around other children all the time. We have argued about it over the years but my husband was adamant it's all 'in my head.

I have discussed this in counselling but he has previously refused come to counselling although today he says he will get counselling and sort out his 'problem' and wants me to give him a chance.

I feel like I have given him all the chances, in the early days he was interested in me sexually but it died down quite fast, he convinced me I just had a high sex drive and I tried to come to terms with our differences because everything else about him seemed so wonderful. We probably have sex every six weeks normally after I have moaned about the lack of intimacy,
I have pretty much stopped initiating it as the actual act is too depressing, like an act, I felt like a vessel no sparks from him and to be frank I feel like I've gone off him.
He thinks we could get back on track if he gets 'help' although on the other hand he says he's no different to any other man, I maintain that if you are withholding intimacy and replacing it with pornography and god knows what else then it is different from other men who can enjoy porn alongside a healthy sexual relationship.
Sorry my thoughts are all over the place, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I chose him over other men when I was dating men who I'm sure would have wanted a healthy sexual relationship, now my self esteem is thorough the floor and I don't know what to do next.
We have a beautiful home, he is the main earner and my brain is shot!

OP posts:
jadeddazedandconfused · 06/12/2013 10:26

I believe that H's secret and dissociating from me has had a huge impact on my mental health I don't think that my physical issues have helped but I know it's him that's caused the problem.
My friend's husband believes I should give Him a chance to get therapy because he's been under so much pressure from my various illnesses.

I can't go to the doctor I'm top scared of what they'll do. I won't ever act on the thoughts but whenever I'm feeling low or under pressure it is on my mind.
It was a regular tool that my parents use to get their own wayd so I have grown up with suicide as a natural thought process when things go wrong.

I can't and won't leave my children with a mum who topped herself but at the same time I feel such a failure and frightened of everything that's happening / going to happen that I just have this constant thought : just end it all its easier than facing anything.
It's a pile of shit. I can't deal with the kids and I can't tidy or get any of us dressed, we are all full of colds and I just want to cry on my own and crawl into a cave.

I have been through some difficult times in my life and this takes the biscuit.
I know it seems like I'm just moaning but I am moving just wading through treacle.

OP posts:
MissScatterbrain · 06/12/2013 10:34

The wading in treacle makes me think you might be depressed and in need of ADs - you do not need to tell the GP everything if thats what you are worried about.

Your friend's husband does not know the full story - so you cannot take his advice. Your H is very fucked up, with really vile views of women and sex - I am not sure if therapy will work for him especially if he only going to use it as a way of getting you to shut up and put up.

Your H's views of underage sex are very worrying and you cannot expose your DC and other children to him - it is asking for trouble.

jadeddazedandconfused · 06/12/2013 10:57

Ads always make my anxiety worse. I might contact the police anonymously and ask for advice, that's why I'm waiting to hear back from the child abuse people they said 3-5 working days and I contacted them on Tuesday I think so it shouldn't be too long. I think I will take my cues from them as I don't know where to start on my own.
I will ask arsehole for bank statements etc but I'm scared of what I will see.
I'm such a fucking fool. I thought I had everything and now I have nothing, although I have my children that's the only positive thing. My brain is jelly my body is fucked my husband's a possible pedophile.
Me the kids have been decorating the tree in between me posting on here and me trying to hide my tears.
Ho fucking ho merry fucking Christmas!!!

OP posts:
jadeddazedandconfused · 06/12/2013 12:02

Well a timely response, here's the reply from 'stopitnow' below.
I guess the next step is to phone them to discuss further. I just told them all the things I'd said here.

My friend's husband is a psychiatric nurse and I wonder if he thinks my fears are based in anxiety?

Hi there,

Thank you for getting in touch with Stop it Now! and for your e mail. You have obviously been concerned about your husband’s sexual interests and boundaries for some time, and I hope you find my comments below helpful. However, your situation sounds complex, and I would encourage you to call our confidential helpline to discuss your concerns in more detail (see below). You don’t have to give your real name or to identify yourself, and you may find that talking things through with us helps you clarify your thinking.

Of course it is difficult to know for certain what someone else might be thinking or feeling about children and/or sexually. Nevertheless, as responsible and protective parents and carers we cannot afford to wait to have our suspicions confirmed or disproved; we must air our concerns and protect our children in the first instance. My impression is that you have done exactly this, by talking to your counsellor and to your husband, albeit that you seem not to be reassured by your husband’s response. I wonder, is there someone else you could talk to, who knows your husband well, and whom you trust? Their perspective might be of value.

The next step that parents can take, if they remain concerned about another adult’s behaviour, is to try and establish some kind of contract or expectations about what’s OK and what’s not OK. This might include, for example, use of the PC (where, when, how often etc), the viewing of pornography, physical boundaries with children (both one’s own and other people’s), involvement in the children’s intimate care, privacy in the family home etc. Often people’s partners will agree to this kind of ‘contract’ and for their behaviour to be challenged if they do not keep it up. Might your husband agree to this kind of thing? If not, this raises the issue of how much respect he might have for you and your feelings – the kind of thing that couple’s often explore in counselling.

Another strategy that might be helpful is to talk to your children. I’m not sure of their age, but empowering children and building their resilience is one of the best ways of preventing child sexual abuse. It is important that children know about what’s OK and what’s not OK in terms of physical touch and private parts of their body; and that they know they can share any worries or fears they might have with a trusted adult who will listen and respond to what they say. To this end, depending on the age of your children, there are some good books that raise relevant issues in a non-threatening and helpful way. For example, for younger children the following books may be relevant: â €˜Come and Tell me’ by Helen Hollick (ISBN: 1-903285-29-1); ‘Your Body Belongs to Youâ €™ by Cornelia Spelman (ISBN 978-0-8075-9473-5). Likewise, if you access our website, you could download the Child’s Play leaflet, which you may find helpful.

I would also recommend that you visit our website – www.parentsprotect.co.uk – which provides a wealth of information to help parents protect their children from sexual harm. Perhaps you and your husband could take time to look at the website together (you might want to familiarise yourself with the site first) and this might help the two of you discuss your concerns, and how best to safeguard your children.

I hope some of the above information is helpful. In essence, your task is to keep talking to your husband, your children, your friends, your counsellor and, if appropriate, other family members too; to build your children’s resilience and sense of safety; and to endeavour to set appropriate boundaries on other’s behaviour (notably your husband’s) towards them. Having ensured your children’s safety, and if you are inclined to do so, you then might feel you have the emotional energy and freedom to explore some of the issues in your marriage that are troubling you.

Finally, as noted above, please remember that you are welcome to call our confidential helpline on 0808 1000 900. You don’t have to give your real name. (If you do call the helpline please quote reference no. 215521 so that we can link your call to your e mail).

Thanks again for getting in touch and best wishes.

The Helpline Team

Stop It Now! Helpline - 0808 1000 900 Mon - Thurs 9.00am - 9.00pm Friday 9.00am - 5.00pm

To: Stop It Now! Original Message Sent: Tue 03 December 10:00

OP posts:
TheAwfulDaughter · 06/12/2013 12:35

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TheAwfulDaughter · 06/12/2013 12:37

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TheAwfulDaughter · 06/12/2013 12:40

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jadeddazedandconfused · 06/12/2013 13:48

theawfuldaughter I did make a huge fuss at the time with him and periodically bring it up in argument or when I'm feeling vulnerable but I was too embarrassed to tell anyone else plus he was so convincing & my boundaries have been skewed since infancy.
I had a massive visceral reaction and couldn't differentiate between jealousy and horror.

I came on here and posted on here and was pretty much told to get a grip. I tried to conceal my worries even from myself because I wasn't convinced of my own perceptions. And that's why we're still 'together'.

I couldn't Trust my own mind and everyone else is praising him for being an amazing husband and father, so supportive and people tell me he's a saint and no other man would have managed all the things he's done to support my physical and mental health problems.

We enjoy lots of the same interests and I tried to ignore the crap sex life because previous bad relationships had been based in sex so I thought at this time I was being mature and looking at the bigger picture. It seems the opposite of I can't see the wood for the trees: I was looking at too broadly at the wood and didn't notice any trees at all!

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 07/12/2013 12:20

Hiya OP, I'm sorry how awful this is for you and that you're feeling so low. I understand that you feel ADs make you feel more anxious, they don't work for everyone.

This no man's land with your husband is the most stressful and exhausting thing possible. You looking for proof and not finding it, he having disappeared the accounts, which of course makes you fear the worst. It's a nightmare. In your position I think I would just say this is it, it's over. No more negotiation, time to change, counselling, that's it. If you are feeling suicidal it's time to end your marriage not your life.

I can only imagine how stressful the last few years must have been. There's nothing worse for physical health than stress. Once you get away from him you may find your mental and physical health improves.

jadeddazedandconfused · 07/12/2013 21:25

Hey twinklestein you are so kind.
there is a part of me which is already feeling stronger. I still haven't had any space or time to make any clear decisions. He has given me his account info and there is nothing untoward he says why would I pay there's loads of free stuff online.

Re the questions about his sexual proclivities he has invited me to get his various gadgets checked out and says he only views porn on his phone and wouldn't do it on ipad or computer where me and the children use them.

He keeps trying to kiss and cuddle me and was on about planning a fucking date night next weekend!

I feel that it is over but I feel in limbo, I feel guilty about the children, I feel guilty that I'm not supporting him. He's asked for a glimmer of hope and swears he's not letting our family break up.
He says neither of us can afford to run two homes and blah blah blah. I haven't done anything about seeking legal advice just because it's so much effort. My friend said make sure the solicitors don't rip you off, I swear if I had money I'd just go and put a deposit down now and deal with the rest later.
I just wish he'd fuck off
and disappear so I don't hav to make any decision.
I'm lying in bed in total agony which also weakens my ability to think and plan.

I definitely won't be committing suicide though. I have been through shit times before, the difference is I only ever had myself to think about now there's two little people to consider . I have survived some awful things and started afresh. I am strong a decent determined when push comes to shove but in the past I didn't have this disease to manage.

OP posts:
jadeddazedandconfused · 07/12/2013 21:26

Hey twinklestein you are so kind.
there is a part of me which is already feeling stronger. I still haven't had any space or time to make any clear decisions. He has given me his account info and there is nothing untoward he says why would I pay there's loads of free stuff online.

Re the questions about his sexual proclivities he has invited me to get his various gadgets checked out and says he only views porn on his phone and wouldn't do it on ipad or computer where me and the children use them.

He keeps trying to kiss and cuddle me and was on about planning a fucking date night next weekend!

I feel that it is over but I feel in limbo, I feel guilty about the children, I feel guilty that I'm not supporting him. He's asked for a glimmer of hope and swears he's not letting our family break up.
He says neither of us can afford to run two homes and blah blah blah. I haven't done anything about seeking legal advice just because it's so much effort. My friend said make sure the solicitors don't rip you off, I swear if I had money I'd just go and put a deposit down now and deal with the rest later.
I just wish he'd fuck off
and disappear so I don't hav to make any decision.
I'm lying in bed in total agony which also weakens my ability to think and plan.

I definitely won't be committing suicide though. I have been through shit times before, the difference is I only ever had myself to think about now there's two little people to consider . I have survived some awful things and started afresh. I am strong a decent determined when push comes to shove but in the past I didn't have this disease to manage.

OP posts:
jadeddazedandconfused · 07/12/2013 21:29

He feels like a stranger but friends keep going on about counselling, I feel that counselling would just prolong it and I would still never trust him, I feel that counselling would be papering over the cracks for another God knows how many years!

OP posts:
MissScatterbrain · 08/12/2013 08:53

Please do not feel guilty.

He is the guilty one.

He is the one who is breaking up his family with his actions and lies.

He is the one who should be supporting you.

He is the one who made these choices, not you.

I would make a list and do one thing at a time - ie, see a solicitor who offers free half hour consultation.

Have a look at this useful blog

jadeddazedandconfused · 08/12/2013 09:49

Morning Missscatterbrain thanks for your advice. I have contacted a family member who works in the legal profession. I have emailed, we are not particularly close and I don't feel ready to discuss it over the phone.
I have also looked at the link you posted and bookmarked it, my relative's speciality is not family law but I thought he'd be a good place to start, he might help me cut through some of the quagmire and I will systematically work my way through the list you sent plus create my own list: it's all in my head what I need to do but it's all so huge.

It's really strange being out and about bumping into friends and neighbours. I am being quite short with people rather than having to be deceitful and risk getting upset and over sharing!

I'm back at work tomorrow which is a mixed blessing.
I have confided in one colleague who I trust implicitly so at least I have someone to talk to if it gets too hard but they are all good work friends, invariably the conversation turns to Christmas plans, family chat etc. I am fortunate that H is on nights over the festive season so it's easier to talk about crimbo just in relation to me and the kids.

OP posts:
jadeddazedandconfused · 08/12/2013 09:56

Oh and H now says that the 'young' search was curiosity and he wanted to see what was out there and was shocked and horrified and has never done it since...

This is why I feel I can't continue with him, he keeps changing his story and it's exhausting keep asking and going over the same old ground.
He agrees to if the boot were on the other foot he would feel the same way as me.

He says his story keeps changing because my interrogation makes him nervous and he's trying to say the right thing to please me but keeps tripping over himself. I must confess I have been most intrusive and pressurising with my questions.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 08/12/2013 10:20

he's trying to say the right thing to please me

Not, I notice, the truth.

jadeddazedandconfused · 08/12/2013 10:28

Indeed anniegetyourgun.

OP posts:
MissScatterbrain · 08/12/2013 10:28

Exactly Annie Hmm

OP, you do sound a bit more determined. You can only do this in stages and I am sure once you know where you stand legally, you will feel much stronger and better informed about what you need to do next. This stage is so hard as you have so much questions and uncertainties.

Take things easy today.

jadeddazedandconfused · 08/12/2013 11:22

I am taking it easy, it's difficult because normally I'd be focused on Christmas prep now but I can't get my shit together. I have long distance relatives and would normally be getting the parcels ready now, I had also planned to make a lot of gifts this year, I have all the gubbins but none of the motivation!
And the kids are running riot wrecking the house while I continue wading through the treacle!

OP posts:
TheAwfulDaughter · 08/12/2013 19:40

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Twinklestein · 08/12/2013 21:32

Friends tend to say what they think good friends should say. They've only found out recently about your difficulties and therefore encourage you to persevere. But from all that you have said here, it's too late. This has gone on too long. You could do counselling every day for a year and you still wouldn't trust him at the end of it.

As for the changing stories on the 'young sex' issue - it just gets worse and worse! Who the f*ck is curious about 'young sex' apart from pervs? There are 1000s of girls who look incredibly young on mainstream porn sites, there's masses of stuff if that floats your boat, no reason to go looking for more. It's hard to believe that an adult man doesn't understand that the truth is what is needed here. Unless the truth is too damning...

Twinklestein · 08/12/2013 21:36

Awful Daughter - would it be possible to get a IT specialist to trawl the pcs first - rather than taking them straight to the police? Do the police have methods not available to civilians?

Because if there's nothing incriminating on there, the husband is going to get on his high horse and stay there, and the OP will feel foolish for wasting police time.

jadeddazedandconfused · 09/12/2013 03:44

Twinklestein you always hit the nail on the head. That's why I was speaking to guy who works in data recovery. He specialises in PCs though and we have macs. Also he said due to the number of OS updates it might be impossible to find.
I do think about contacting the police but the stress of having a swat team ransack our house, e distressing our children and for all the neighbours to witness is more than I can bear. I am not ready to take that on.

It's probably a lot easier for you and on the outside looking in than it is to be here with the kids and his constant protestations.

OP posts:
TheAwfulDaughter · 09/12/2013 12:12

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jadeddazedandconfused · 09/12/2013 16:46

Hey says it's on his iPhone and he has invited me to get all the gadgets checked out although he could be calling my bluff.

OP posts:
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