Well a timely response, here's the reply from 'stopitnow' below.
I guess the next step is to phone them to discuss further. I just told them all the things I'd said here.
My friend's husband is a psychiatric nurse and I wonder if he thinks my fears are based in anxiety?
Hi there,
Thank you for getting in touch with Stop it Now! and for your e mail. You have obviously been concerned about your husband’s sexual interests and boundaries for some time, and I hope you find my comments below helpful. However, your situation sounds complex, and I would encourage you to call our confidential helpline to discuss your concerns in more detail (see below). You don’t have to give your real name or to identify yourself, and you may find that talking things through with us helps you clarify your thinking.
Of course it is difficult to know for certain what someone else might be thinking or feeling about children and/or sexually. Nevertheless, as responsible and protective parents and carers we cannot afford to wait to have our suspicions confirmed or disproved; we must air our concerns and protect our children in the first instance. My impression is that you have done exactly this, by talking to your counsellor and to your husband, albeit that you seem not to be reassured by your husband’s response. I wonder, is there someone else you could talk to, who knows your husband well, and whom you trust? Their perspective might be of value.
The next step that parents can take, if they remain concerned about another adult’s behaviour, is to try and establish some kind of contract or expectations about what’s OK and what’s not OK. This might include, for example, use of the PC (where, when, how often etc), the viewing of pornography, physical boundaries with children (both one’s own and other people’s), involvement in the children’s intimate care, privacy in the family home etc. Often people’s partners will agree to this kind of ‘contract’ and for their behaviour to be challenged if they do not keep it up. Might your husband agree to this kind of thing? If not, this raises the issue of how much respect he might have for you and your feelings – the kind of thing that couple’s often explore in counselling.
Another strategy that might be helpful is to talk to your children. I’m not sure of their age, but empowering children and building their resilience is one of the best ways of preventing child sexual abuse. It is important that children know about what’s OK and what’s not OK in terms of physical touch and private parts of their body; and that they know they can share any worries or fears they might have with a trusted adult who will listen and respond to what they say. To this end, depending on the age of your children, there are some good books that raise relevant issues in a non-threatening and helpful way. For example, for younger children the following books may be relevant: â €˜Come and Tell me’ by Helen Hollick (ISBN: 1-903285-29-1); ‘Your Body Belongs to Youâ €™ by Cornelia Spelman (ISBN 978-0-8075-9473-5). Likewise, if you access our website, you could download the Child’s Play leaflet, which you may find helpful.
I would also recommend that you visit our website – www.parentsprotect.co.uk – which provides a wealth of information to help parents protect their children from sexual harm. Perhaps you and your husband could take time to look at the website together (you might want to familiarise yourself with the site first) and this might help the two of you discuss your concerns, and how best to safeguard your children.
I hope some of the above information is helpful. In essence, your task is to keep talking to your husband, your children, your friends, your counsellor and, if appropriate, other family members too; to build your children’s resilience and sense of safety; and to endeavour to set appropriate boundaries on other’s behaviour (notably your husband’s) towards them. Having ensured your children’s safety, and if you are inclined to do so, you then might feel you have the emotional energy and freedom to explore some of the issues in your marriage that are troubling you.
Finally, as noted above, please remember that you are welcome to call our confidential helpline on 0808 1000 900. You don’t have to give your real name. (If you do call the helpline please quote reference no. 215521 so that we can link your call to your e mail).
Thanks again for getting in touch and best wishes.
The Helpline Team
Stop It Now! Helpline - 0808 1000 900 Mon - Thurs 9.00am - 9.00pm Friday 9.00am - 5.00pm
To: Stop It Now! Original Message Sent: Tue 03 December 10:00