How predictable, another husband and porn thread

[jadeddazedandconfused]

Well my husband has finally admitted 'a problem ' with porn, no surprise to me, he says it's all mainstream but I cannot come to terms with the way he has rejected me for such a long time so I think it might be game over. He has always known I don't care about mainstream porn it's the lying and replacing a physical relationship with his own interests.

He has always been 'a lovely man' but over the years there have been some 'incidents' which have been unnerving for me.
There was a lot of child abuse around my family when I was growing up and I am unsurprisingly more sensitive to it than most people.
I have witnessed what I believe to be inappropriate behaviour from him, with young people /children which could be written off or barely noticed by some people. and i found one websearch in 2008 which could be construed as dodgy depending on your feelings about the subject
I don't think I can go further in finding out what he's 'in to' I can't be bothered, I am angry and feel let down and if he is a pervert I don't think I'm ready to find out.

He works in IT for 30 years and if he wanted to he could hide anything. He is generally quite secretive and not particularly sexual with me unless I make a big deal of it, although I know he is interested in sex because I have in the past done limited cyber stalking and apart from one occasion I found him to have 'normal' interests.

The other big issue is that I suffer with anxiety which has been made worse following the birth of my children and it's hard for me to work out what is a genuine problem and what is my over active and paranoid imagination.
I can't discuss it with friends because it's such a controversial subject and I can't just rock up at the police station with the computer because if I'm wrong It will of course wreck my marriage although it feels pretty much shattered now.

I need to know if there is anything to be concerned about though, I have daughters and we are around other children all the time. We have argued about it over the years but my husband was adamant it's all 'in my head.

I have discussed this in counselling but he has previously refused come to counselling although today he says he will get counselling and sort out his 'problem' and wants me to give him a chance.

I feel like I have given him all the chances, in the early days he was interested in me sexually but it died down quite fast, he convinced me I just had a high sex drive and I tried to come to terms with our differences because everything else about him seemed so wonderful. We probably have sex every six weeks normally after I have moaned about the lack of intimacy,
I have pretty much stopped initiating it as the actual act is too depressing, like an act, I felt like a vessel no sparks from him and to be frank I feel like I've gone off him.
He thinks we could get back on track if he gets 'help' although on the other hand he says he's no different to any other man, I maintain that if you are withholding intimacy and replacing it with pornography and god knows what else then it is different from other men who can enjoy porn alongside a healthy sexual relationship.
Sorry my thoughts are all over the place, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I chose him over other men when I was dating men who I'm sure would have wanted a healthy sexual relationship, now my self esteem is thorough the floor and I don't know what to do next.
We have a beautiful home, he is the main earner and my brain is shot!

Twinklestein, I'm not saying SS would act on that little information, just that my safeguarding dept would advise me to tell them about it. Just to clarify!

I have read all of this thread as it interests me. I had an Ex(D)P that put me in a similar position to you. I left as I discovered something about him I just could not live with. In your shoes I would HAVE to know one way or the other if it's mainstream or something more sinister, before I could make the decision to continue the relationship or not. Rather than thinking about getting into his computer which would be difficult because it would involve someone else and he may realise what has happened, I would try to secretly film him on his computer. This sounds a bit 'out there' or a bit OTT but consider how much hinges on this one piece of information! Bit devious perhaps but you have children. A friend of mine suspected her ExDH was abusing her daughter at bathtime so she taped the conversation using very unsophisticated methods but got all the evidence she needed on the first attempt. He did jail time as a result of her case against him. A little cam such as people use to check on their nanny or the carers for their elderly parents would be all you need to put your mind at rest or the opposite but at least you would know. I don't know the legality of this so I may get deleted but this is my honest advice to you OP.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay great username! I hadn't thought of the camera idea before. I don't know how I would do it, he has the phone, the ipad plus at work and the computer I'd have to put them in every room, how much does something like that coast??! How awful for your friend though that she actually found something. I will think about it.

I went out last night and had an absolute ball, I was silly and loud and laughed lots and lost my voice.
I came home reasonably early and sober and told my friend nearly everything, I included the ambiguous websearch and excluded the 7 year old girl observation and she was very sad but also incensed on my behalf.
She already knew that I haven't been raving about our services life but assumed that I'd come to terms with it. She said how she thought how beautiful I looked when I went out last night and was really jealous (promise it's not a stealth boast!) and she couldn't believe how ugly I feel and that he wasn't interested in me in that way

He came home from work this morning all affectionate and sorry and worried his job is going down the pan on top of our marriage as he spent most of the night crying and thinks he fucked up work and of course I feel guilty because I knew how much pressure he's been under at work with a bullying boss.

He often talks about how he was badly bullied at school ( it was a boys' school in the 70s) and nd blames ,some of his communication problems on this. My friend wondered if it was sexual bullying /assault and that he's actually looking at gay porn so I and him and he laughed and said that doesn't remember any sexual assault and isn't gay.
He kept asking me to make a decision and I said I can't yet he kept trying to cuddle me telling me he loves me.

Not services life, *sex life. Typing fast in between childcare!

In your post you say your H tells you he loves you everyday. Is it a genuine 'I love you' or habit? Tbh, whether he loves you or not makes no difference if he's acting unsavory.

You say that sex/intimacy has declined and occurs about once every 6 weeks. Your posts don't make clear if h is usually the cuddly type as he is being with you now (trying to hug you all the time). If he isn't why do you think he's doing this now? Has he ever feared losing you in the past and if so was he trying to hug you all the time then too. Or is this more a sign of desperation that he fears he really could be losing you this time or is there more to his fears that he's afraid May about to be revealed re his porn addiction?

Try to filter out the 'white noise' of what he wants. You would not be being selfish to concentrate on your own needs and your own needs alone now. Self preservation and all that. He is a grown adult and able to control/change what he does. Even if the suspicions remained just suspicions only, do you want out anyway? If so, save yourself the dosh on the tech stuff and make a plan.
The ignoring you in preference to porn is dissociating from you on the most basic level. If you want to live your life free of all that, make a life for yourself away from it.

I had a similar thing happen to me with an Ex. There were several 'tells' to his behaviour that alerted me and one day I found an order form for stuff that left me in no doubt whatsoever what his interests were and it was as bad as it can get IMHO. When tackled he said it was merely 'curiosity' but I considered he was too old for it to be just that ( he wasn't 17 if you get me ;) ) I wish I had just left though, rather than it being obvious that I had found the form as he thought I had been snooping when I hadn't been, I was looking for something else and had put the 'tells' to the back of my mind by that stage! If only I had shown more dignity instead of getting upset as I have always felt I showed weakness/sadness at the loss of the relationship when actually I wanted to batter the B!

He tells you he loves you.

But his actions show no love.

Actions speak louder than words.

Stillcryinginside no we have always been affectionate and say I love you a lot but the affection is always very chaste and it's only ever me who tries/tried to ramp it up to a saucy level.
Sex every six weeks generally happens after I've said I can't live in a sexless marriage. Lately he's been the one to instigate it but I feel as though it's because he knows I am subconsciously detaching from him. When he instigates it he's often wants full works a massage and fucking soothing music and it goes on too long especially when it doesn't even appear that he's that turned on. I say I just want a bit of cheeky sex or a quickie sometimes , I'm knackered and don't want a whole night of lurve making but he wants it to be romantic.
Reading that back makes me feel like I'm the one with the problem I should be grateful for a man who wants the full works but it sounds better written down than the actual event.
When we have sex without the massage and candles it's perfunctory and there are never any sparks. He is silent every time and mostly has his eyes closed, sometimes I catch him watching I the mirror but if I see he quickly looks away.

The ignoring you in preference to porn is dissociating from you on the most basic level. If you want to live your life free of all that, make a life for yourself away from it.

This

The ignoring you in preference to porn is dissociating from you on the most basic level. If you want to live your life free of all that, make a life for yourself away from it.

This

bold fail

The sex between you sounds grim.

He has a huge problem, doesnt he? But whether it is 'just' porn addiction or something more sinister is the question.

What are you planning to do?

I think you have to try tinget perspective. If you have feelings or suspicions that he is a paedophile, get out, for fuck sake.

*try to get perspective

Sorry posted too soon.

Netter tosort this mess out from a safe distance, rather than share your bedwith a man you have even the slightest suspicion may be a paedohphile.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay H said the same thing as your ex re just curiousity, he also said he was looking for sex tips for our relationship! Sex tips, ha! He is late 40s and had several longterm relationships before me, what a dweeb.

Hawtchocolate you are right re the distance, I don't really know how to get it. I have used all my work leave already due to stress (I didn't want to go sick for various reasons) I don't have family nearby and there is nobody I can think of who'd want to temporarily out me up with two small children. I just think I have to give it time rather than distance.

I can't make a decision overnight and I can't take action until I know my rights but I feel like I have checked out of the relationship. My friend was saying why rush? It's not as though you're having sex at the moment.. I don't know...

This is a message from my husband at work I'm so confused I understand but I will change. I have a problem which I will sort out but I do NOT have any awful secrets and it's the thought that I've made you think that that hurts the most. I don't know why I haven't come clean in the past or why I've been so stupid, I bitterly regret it now and the thought that we may lose everything makes me so sad. I will do everything in my power to win you back again and prove that I am still the person you fell in love with. I will continue to help you in any way I can with your health issues, please don't shut me out of your life though.

I meant to add some punctuation!

This is a message from my husband at work, i'm so confused :
"I understand but I will change. I have a problem which I will sort out but I do NOT have any awful secrets and it's the thought that I've made you think that that hurts the most. I don't know why I haven't come clean in the past or why I've been so stupid, I bitterly regret it now and the thought that we may lose everything makes me so sad. I will do everything in my power to win you back again and prove that I am still the person you fell in love with. I will continue to help you in any way I can with your health issues, please don't shut me out of your life though."

The dodgy web search was 'young sex pics' and h said it was to avoid seeing grannies because of course GILFs are prevalent in your everyday porn search arent they!?
he convinced me it was normal for men to want to look at girls in their late teens/early twenties

Am sorry OP but I have warning bells ringing here too, as do you, trust your instincts I say. No matter how much he is trying to cloud them.

Withholding intimacy and replacing it with pornography does so much damage to the other person in the relationship, it is no wonder you feel shot to pieces!

I don't think your earlier experiences are making you more sensitive to things either. Any computer-savvy person does not need to use that search term btw. Nor is it 'normal' for men to want to look at girls in their late teens/early twenties. A lot of girls in the porn industry that age look younger anyway so god knows how old the ones are that he's searching for.

I must sound really harsh but all the bullying at school/job going down the pan stuff/notes proclaiming how 'he will change' do not wash with me. i really think that you need time and space to think OP, without interference from him!

Botanicbaby you speak a lot of sense. I have tried to minimise it for so long and half hoped that he would suddenly become amorous but it has not changed my me iota. I do need time and space to think and I don't know how to get it.
My life is work and kids. I have no parents to speak of. I have an addict father and a toxic mother and no contact with either to preserve my sanity.
I don't dare go away and leave the kids: I have gone away a few times on my own but if I'm going to be embroiled in a custody battle at some point I don't think flat going away will work in my favour alongside your mh nd physical health issues.
I'm so exhausted after a day with the kids that night time isn't the best time to think.
I also have an issue with insomnia so am shattered most of the time. H doesn't always work nights so from Tuesday he will be around in the evenings too.

I have lived my whole life without guidance from anybody else and it's time like these I just want a big cartoon hand to come down and pluck me out of the situation, take control and fix it up better for me.

I sick and tired of fixing things and managing everything on my own. Even though H is very hands on at he I often despair of where his brain is and feel so fucking responsible for everything. Life is hard sometimes, I thought we could Make a good team and it turns out I have been alone the whole time.

I hate to say it and don't like it personally but I think it is, in fact, very normal for men of all ages to want to look at women in their late teens/early twenties. Page 3 and any gross tabloid will tell you that. This is why I think the 'young sex pics' search your DH carried out is far too ambiguous to read into or use as evidence. His crap reason (grannies), could be to just hide his embarressment over being caught out using that phrase.

redcarrot1 page 3 was exactly the example he cited.

I think his message to you about changing seems quite earnest and everyone deserves another chance. If you split with him further down the line at least you'll know you gave him every opportunity to turn things around.

We can agree to differ on the "most men want to look at naked 16-25 year old women". However, I also think we all agree that there's a difference between that and looking so often it means you withdraw sex from your partner.

Secondly, I think that there's two separate things going on the. There's the problem of whether to give him another try but before that I think there's a safe guarding problem. The latter needs dealing with first for both the safety of the children you know and because you need to make an informed decision about whether to stay with him or not.

You probably can't imagine him abusing your daughters or their friends. But I can't help but picture them as adults remembering inappropriate looks, touches, comments etc and being confused and hurt and damaged because of these memories.

I think his message to you about changing seems quite earnest and everyone deserves another chance. If you split with him further down the line at least you'll know you gave him every opportunity to turn things around.

This might all be true if it was "just" a porn-use relationship problem. It's not, the OP has other concerns.

I think his message to you about changing seems quite earnest and everyone deserves another chance. If you split with him further down the line at least you'll know you gave him every opportunity to turn things around.

This is minimising the situation here - it is not just porn. Op is worried about their lack of intimacy and poor sex life and more worryingly, suspects there are child protection issues. These concerns need to be taken seriously.

And he is saying all these things because he is crapping himself and wants OP to shut up and sweep it all under the carpet.