How predictable, another husband and porn thread

[jadeddazedandconfused]

Well my husband has finally admitted 'a problem ' with porn, no surprise to me, he says it's all mainstream but I cannot come to terms with the way he has rejected me for such a long time so I think it might be game over. He has always known I don't care about mainstream porn it's the lying and replacing a physical relationship with his own interests.

He has always been 'a lovely man' but over the years there have been some 'incidents' which have been unnerving for me.
There was a lot of child abuse around my family when I was growing up and I am unsurprisingly more sensitive to it than most people.
I have witnessed what I believe to be inappropriate behaviour from him, with young people /children which could be written off or barely noticed by some people. and i found one websearch in 2008 which could be construed as dodgy depending on your feelings about the subject
I don't think I can go further in finding out what he's 'in to' I can't be bothered, I am angry and feel let down and if he is a pervert I don't think I'm ready to find out.

He works in IT for 30 years and if he wanted to he could hide anything. He is generally quite secretive and not particularly sexual with me unless I make a big deal of it, although I know he is interested in sex because I have in the past done limited cyber stalking and apart from one occasion I found him to have 'normal' interests.

The other big issue is that I suffer with anxiety which has been made worse following the birth of my children and it's hard for me to work out what is a genuine problem and what is my over active and paranoid imagination.
I can't discuss it with friends because it's such a controversial subject and I can't just rock up at the police station with the computer because if I'm wrong It will of course wreck my marriage although it feels pretty much shattered now.

I need to know if there is anything to be concerned about though, I have daughters and we are around other children all the time. We have argued about it over the years but my husband was adamant it's all 'in my head.

I have discussed this in counselling but he has previously refused come to counselling although today he says he will get counselling and sort out his 'problem' and wants me to give him a chance.

I feel like I have given him all the chances, in the early days he was interested in me sexually but it died down quite fast, he convinced me I just had a high sex drive and I tried to come to terms with our differences because everything else about him seemed so wonderful. We probably have sex every six weeks normally after I have moaned about the lack of intimacy,
I have pretty much stopped initiating it as the actual act is too depressing, like an act, I felt like a vessel no sparks from him and to be frank I feel like I've gone off him.
He thinks we could get back on track if he gets 'help' although on the other hand he says he's no different to any other man, I maintain that if you are withholding intimacy and replacing it with pornography and god knows what else then it is different from other men who can enjoy porn alongside a healthy sexual relationship.
Sorry my thoughts are all over the place, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I chose him over other men when I was dating men who I'm sure would have wanted a healthy sexual relationship, now my self esteem is thorough the floor and I don't know what to do next.
We have a beautiful home, he is the main earner and my brain is shot!

To be fair we had the conversation 6 years ago where he said he'd change and asked r another chance that's when I found the 'young' search. Because of my background and his minimising I thought I'd give him that chance and it quietly eroded my self esteem.
I also came on here then to discuss it and was flamed and felt a complete idiot so never mentioned it to anyone except in counselling it until this happened on Friday

Well when he said he'd change in 2008 he also said it was a one off but he'd never jeopardise what we have so he'd never look at porn again. My reaction apparently shook his up too much... Bollocking Bollocks. I'm at work now and so fucking angry.

I feel angry for you. I hope you're ok.

I'm glad your friend was so supportive.

It seems that even when he does instigate sex it's on his terms not yours - which is insensitive and continues the theme of prioritising his 'needs' over yours sexually. I put needs in inverted commas because they are wants rather than needs.

I can understand that your husband would be hurt if he genuinely isn't into the worst interpretation of 'young sex', but the problem is what he is up is up to is quite bad enough on its own.

It sounds like you have had enough OP, and as these recent promises to change appear to be on top of past unkept promises of the same, it may well be too little too late.

Thanks vivacia and twinklestein
I can't concentrate at work I thought it would be a good distraction but I have too many friends here and can't trust myself to be normal around them, plus he is at home so I can't go home.

Too little too late is how it feels.
It is not the first time I have caught a partner out with sexual lies either, the first time was a long time ago and hurt me badly, this time it feels as though the main blow was six years ago and now is just reopening the wound
It makes me feel as though there's something wrong with me to keep attracting people like this. They have all been either impotent, hypersexual or had addiction problems now I seem to have the whole combination rolled into one attractive package.
Honestly I thought I'd hit the jackpot with him and so did everyone else.

You know, I think even if you'd had twice as many boyfriends with these problems it wouldn't say anything bad about you. I think the only issue is if you choose to accept inappropriate behaviour.

I know. I keep feeling galvanised a then confused. I have accepted too much already. I gave an ultimatum a few months ago and it didn't make a bit of difference. I have told 3 friends now and all without exception have suggested couples counselling. I don't know if I'm doing 'us' a disservice by not considering it. Probably need to go on my own.

I gave an ultimatum a few months ago and it didn't make a bit of difference. 'Ultimatum suggests an "If Than" outcome. So far you've mentioned a change being expected 6 years ago and another a few months ago. Now there's one promised this week. An ultimatum only works if there are consequences involved.

When your friends suggest couples counselling are they in full possession of the facts?

One is in possession of most of the facts excluding the 7 yr old girl incident which if I try to say it out loud just makes me feel as though I'm unhinged!

the other two just know the mainstream stuff which frankly is easier to tell. They all know my background though and why this is such a big deal for me even without the weird suspicion.

Hey I'm still no further forward. I have contacted the child abuse helpline for support bug have to wait for reply due to high volume of calls.

H reckons he had a healthy interest in sex with previous partners then the last two weren't interested so he turned to porn then we got together and it was normal again then old habits crept in and he started using again.

He has now said he will contact a therapist but needs to know I'll be there for him. The trouble is I don't know if i will be able to spend the rest of my life always wondering or snooping.
For example I have started snooping on his Google history. there are obviously times when he uses private browsing and times when he doesn't, I have seen that on Tuesday night he was googling porn addiction.

Another thing that is strange is that I thought I'd start checking bank statements to see if I can ascertain which sites he's been paying for and I can't find any statements, he has religiously kept every statement for as long as I've known him and now hey are not in either of the places they normally are.

I don't want to get into crazymaking ripping the house apart trying to get information about something I already know but at the same time I don't just want to sit on my laurels.

This a horrible situation for me with anxiety anyway.
I don't believe I can do it for much longer
H is adamant we are not splitting up over this.
I just want to move on but I don't know how to get from here to there.

I just want someone to come and fix it for me and the kids to pick us up and take us away and to fast forward to a better time.
I don't even have a mum I can escape to for some time alone or separation.
I have talked a bit more than one of my friends and she said she would feel the same way as me. I just wish I'd talked about it sooner. I have been reading about porn addicts but all I can find is Christian websites where it's all about the couple working together with God to save the marriage or I find pseudo scientific articles about how it affects the brain or articles for the addicts themselves and there seems to be nothing for me! (selfish woman)

I like our whole relationship is based on a lie, I feel so sad about all the nights out where I have worn lingerie and dressed up and looked my best and we have just come home and he has got straight to bed and gone to sleep.
I feel so sad about the hope I had that he would spontaneously notice me and alight a spark in us both and when I have been aching for a bit of slap and tickle. He convinced me that he was prudish and shy when all along he was seeking out God knows what and sorting himself out.

I'm waffling Again I'm just tied up in knots. He keeps asking me for answers : what are you going to do? I miss you, don't go, I need you to support me etc and I feel alternately angry and numb.
FUCK it! So another thing he hates is swearing. Fucking cunt.

Tell him you can't make any long term decisions until you have the whole picture and have processed your own feelings and thoughts.

If he is really serious about change, he would start going to therapy with or without your support. Instead he is using this as a carrot to dangle in front of you.

And speaking of support - where is HIS support for you, you are the betrayed party, the victim in all this.

The bank statements thing is very dodgy - with internet porn being free, he must have been paying for services e,g webcams, meet ups, escorts etc.

You can look up years of statements on line now at my bank (natwest) so hopefully you can do the same op.

Fuckynell I I don't know his online login details. He has two accounts his current and a credit card. His log in details used to be saved on the phone but santander have changed their security settings.

Missscatterbrain I dread to think what he's been doing! when I suggested that it's more than just viewing porn he was vehement in his denial but tbh I don't believe a word that comes out of his effing mouth, he's like a stranger to me.
I do believe he's using the therapist as a carrot. I told him it's not my problem and there's nothing I need to do to make anything better.
He does run out of money very fast, we have a joint account which both our wages go into for bills then we each take a monthly allowance into our own account. He does have an expensive phone contract plus car finance whereas I don't have any large personal outgoings. I spend a lot on fripperies and his tastes tend towards expensive gadgets although he doesn't buy them every month.

Again if he really wants to make amends, he should hand over all login details for his bank and credit cards - refusal to do so will tell you all you need to know.

If he's serious about "being adamant" that you're not splitting up over this then he will give you full access to his bank account details, emails, browsing history etc.

I'm concerned that his constant contacting you will make it very difficult for you to see the wood for the trees. I think he needs to give you time and space.

Vivacia I feel the same. We are both in the same house there's no fucking escape. I tend to go out when he's home as I can't sit in the lounge with him, he goes to bed earlier so I wait up until he's gone to sleep. Luckily due to my health and pain issues I have zip and link beds so although we share a room we currently have separate beds.

I haven't asked for access to accounts etc, we share all our technology apart from phones so I have access to his email, Facebook etc which leads me to believe he had secret accounts which I will never know about unless I use torture and interrogation!

He works long hours away from home in IT so there's so much scope for underhand stuff, I'd never get to the murky bottom.

Why have you not asked for access to accounts?

Surely you need to know what your money is being used for? what he is spending family money on?

You don't need to know everything but you do need to take control of the situation - especially with the possibility that there is a child protection issue.

Please do take action.

I haven't asked for access to accounts because I am only presuming that he has separate email accounts and there is no way I can prove it. It will just be me saying you have other email accounts and him saying 'no I haven't' I don't know how I can argue with that, that's probably why it's gone on so long because all he does is deny and I don't have the strength to argue that black is white.

Also it wasn't until last night that I though of checking k his statements to see if I could work out what he's doing and that was before I went to bed, he was out and I didn't want to speak to him at 11 when he got in and he left at 6 for work, I haven't seen him to ask him for statements.

Part of me thinks it's too raw and I don't want to know the other part of me is waiting to hear from the child abuse agency to hear their take on it.

I told him that I know of someone in data recovery and he said that's fine, take all his technology and they won't find anything dodgy.

By accounts I mean bank/credit card accounts - not emails.

I will ask him re bank accounts later when he gets home tonight. I honestly didn't think about it until last night when I was reading about porn addiction.
I hate this and trying to work and bring children up and operate in society is too hard too much and my brain keeps shutting down.

I think that not dealing with this, and having it all on your mind, could be causing your difficulty with coping at the moment (not all of the other things).

I think you're going to put this to the back of your mind and cover it up. I understand why you'd do this, but I just couldn't, just couldn't given the nature of your suspicions.

I can't cover it up which is why I'm starting to tell people. I have been having nightmares about it for a long time and now he's partially admitted to something it's added grist to my mill, I just can't do it all at once.
I keep flitting between inviting the police in and trying to take baby steps.

My mental health has been weak for 4 years which is why I am moving so slowly now, it's hard to see from the outside but I am not settling for this life anymore I just can't do it fast.
I had a couple of quite severe depression episodes in the last two years where suicide was high in my thoughts and those thoughts are coming back again this week and it's a huge struggle to stay on top of it.

I don't want to end up in hospital and having even less control than I do now.

Vivacia it has been in the back of my mind for years and I have tried to ignore it it has driven me mental and I can't do it anymore. My subconscious has become the conscious.

All you can do is move at the speed you can. I do wonder just how much this might have exasperated your mental health problems. If you're having suicidal thoughts, is it worth going to your doctor?

Sounds like its all too much for you to bear, no wonder you have been ill and is struggling - all that secrecy and deceit

I think the only way to free yourself is to tell people your worst suspicions - the police etc will take control and you can then begin to detach yourself from the whole thing.

I agree a trip to the GP would be a good idea. You need outside help.