I've NC with my sister but she's texting my 12 yr old dd...wwyd?

[Shellywelly1973]

Over 6 months ago I decided to go NC with my sister. She used to live very close but moved about an hour away few months ago.

My older dc have some contact with my sister. They are grown up & although they are aware I have decided not to talk to my sister, they don't know any details.

My 12 year old dd did go to my sister house 2/3 times between May & Sept. My dd & dn are of a similar age & have friends in common.

My dd told me this morning she has been texting my sister & they have arranged for my dd to stay at my sister's during the Christmas holidays.

My sister is openly very critical of me, my dp, my home, my pregnancy, my dc, my dc behaviour & my ds with SNs.

My sister would say to my dd who's 12- thats shes ' too big' & that I need to 'sort' dd's teeth out as examples of the crap she comes out with.

Do I have the right to deny my dd a relationship with my sister?
My sister hasn't invited my son's at Christmas only dd.

Wwyd?

Give me some perspective... im pregnant & too involved to see this situation subjectively.

Thanks!.

Must be hard for your dd, she is in a mid position between grown up siblings, younger siblings, and now her mum is pregnant again?
Maybe she values your sisters company and enjoys being with her? Why stop her developing relationships with family?

What is wrong with your dds teeth?

I think, given that DD is only 12, you are fully entitled to dictate who she does and doesn't spend Christmas with. Possibly you need to explain more to DD why you've dropped contact or she'll think it's something and nothing. You're in charge of DD.

Poor dd has very severe 'buck teeth' . She has a problem with her lower jaw that exaggerates the problem. She will be starting orthodontic treatment next month.

My sister wouldn't spend time with my dd. My dd & dn would be left to there own devices.

We see my other sister and family very frequently.

Dd is delighted that we are having a new baby in the family.

My concern is my sister will say stuff to dd. Your right Cogito. I need to explain to dd why I don't have contact with my sister. She's a very young 12 year old so I didn't want her to hear negative or horrible things. I do feel very protective of dd.

Just to point out I realise im not subjective or objectives!!!

I know I don't want a relationship with my sister but am I being protective or overbearing when it comes to dd?

Err, no. She is 12, you are responsible for her... and that includes making an executive decision that you are going to ensure that your poisonous sounding sister does not start using your DD as a tool to manipulate you, her, or the rest of your family, and distress her in the process.

Your sister is trying to bypass you and make decisions for your DD, probably as a way of trying to show you that despite you cutting contact, she can still influence your family and make decisions over your head.

Well, she can't.

This isn't a spat between you and her - it's you deciding that you aren't going to let a nasty influence cause trouble in your family and affect your children. If she's making comments about or to your DD that you think are harmful, it's your business and your prerogative to put a stop to it.

I'd be sitting your DD down and telling her in no uncertain terms that she does NOT make plans to stay ANYWHERE without your permission FIRST, and without discussing it with YOU. And that her aunt is exactly the same as any of her other friends' mums and is NOT in a position to tell her she will be staying anywhere. And that at the moment you are not pleased with her aunt and some of the things she has been saying and you do not want DD contacting her without it coming through you.

Don't be afraid to explain these things - she is old enough. Tell her that her aunt has been saying nasty things about the baby and that right now you think it is best that you don't see her. Explain that you definitely don't want DD feeling awkward if aunt says similar things to her, and that you don't want aunt to think it's ok to say these things. Explain that it's not nice of aunt to try and contact DD behind your back and make arrangements at the same time as being nasty about the family. If it were one of DD's schoolfriends behaving like this - the school would think it were bullying nasty behaviour, wouldn't they?

Curt text to aunt informing her that DD will not be staying over Christmas, and to stop contacting her on her phone as it is not appropriate given the circumstances.

Don't worry about the relationship with the niece. It's certainly not a prority over the situation with your DD being manipulated.

What Talkative Jim wrote in its entirety.

You cannot and simply must not allow your DD who is but 12 after all to be manipulated by your sister. She is not old enough to realise that she is actually being manipulated and is in turn being used by her to further get back at yourself.

The last two posts highlight a point I deliberately didn't state in my original post...

I feel my sister is manipulating dd to get to me. I know my sister. She thinks she knows my dc better then me. My sister rang social services a few years ago as she said she knew me, better then I knew myself...she thought I was going to have a nervous break down. When I didn't appreciate her help she stopped talking to me until the February- no explanation- nothing.

Another time she phoned my dc headteacher, as she was concerned my dp might be autistic as my ds is autistic. Dps isn't autistic- he was terribly depressed & couldn't cooe with ds SNs. I was absolutely gob smacked. Worst thing was HT didn't mention it. My sister told me months later.

She will do whatever she wants if she perceives it to be the right thing regardless of the consequences. I always thought she was well intentioned & was motivated by the desire to help.

I realised earlier this year its about her & controlling people around her.

Blimey! Definitely explain to your daughter and send text to sister to tell her to back off. She sounds very underhand. Nightmare! Good luck

I think that at 12 she is completely old enough to understand about manipulation. My kids are much younger and totally get it. I am always honest about these things with my kids - your dd cannot make informed choices if you don't give her the information.

I texted my sister. I just put in it if she would check with me before making plans with my dd as we've got a lot of plans for the Christmas holidays & I don't want dd or dns to be disappointed.

She informed me that the plans have already been made. Im to drop my dd at my mother's house on Boxing Day & my sister will be picking them up. She will drop them back to my mothers on the Sunday... She told me not to be awkward that our mum has every right to see her gc...

I haven't replied as im absolutely shaking with rage.

How dare they make plans involving my dd without contacting me first?

Last year my mother was one road away from us but wouldn't come & visit us. My other sister was here last Christmas with her 2 dc & my 5 dc but my mum wouldn't come round for an hour. I invited her everday but she went home without coming here. Its nearly 6 years since my mother visited us.

I really need to calm down im 31 weeks pregnant & really don't need this crap!

Text back, No, that doesnt work for us,

and leave it there.

Your family sound awful.

ok, first thing - change the sim on your DDs mobile and do not give out the number.
2nd explain to DD that you have other plans for Christmas and that its not possible for her to go. Also explain that as her Mother your sister needs to check with you first.
Then text back to you sister 'No, that doesn't work for me' thats it, nothing else.

Oh, that's a shame that the plans have already been made without your knowledge as you're doing something else that day and the day after. If only she'd discussed things with you first . It just won't be possible for DD to be dropped off to GM and then to your sister's.

OMG, that's several days, she can't stay over.

Just tell 12 year old a reason why you don't have contact with DSis and say that therefore she can't go, but she will be able to, maybe, when she is older (much).

If you start negotiating it will get more stressful, say no, and no more debate.

Also, why does she not want your DS's?

"She informed me that the plans have already been made. Im to drop my dd at my mother's house on Boxing Day & my sister will be picking them up. She will drop them back to my mothers on the Sunday... She told me not to be awkward that our mum has every right to see her gc..."

I'm trying to think of a polite way to tell her to fuck right off. But I can't. So fuck right off would cover it.

"Then your plans will have to be un made. You seem to be labouring under the delusion that you have rights over my daughter and her time, that you are able to make decisions and arrangements for her with out contacting me. You are wrong. Do not contact myself or DD again. If you do then this will be considered as harrassment and the appropriate steps will be taken"

Oof.

You do in fact need to tell her to fuck off. Two options, you know what will work the best with her particular brand of slappability.

First is the 'That doesn't work for us.' line - a lot to recommend it;

Second, something like:

'My first text was an attempt to put this politely. You can unmake your plans. DD won't be visiting you. Don't you ever dare again to attempt to decide what is happening with my daughter without consulting me first. As for Mum, our relationship with her is also none of your business.'

Good luck!

Also - you really need to tackle this situation with your DD NOW. At 12, you are in control of her. In a couple of years, you won't be... And she'll also be busy rebelling against you in any way she can! It sounds like your sister would like nothing better than to undermine your relationship with your daughter, and if she continues whispering in her ear, you risk ending up with your fifteen year old daughter screaming at you that you're just as horrible as Auntie X has always said you are.

There was an awful thread here a while back with a mum bitterly regretting not cutting contact with her mum when her son was small. Said toxic mum had more or less completely turned the now teenage lad against his mum-he'd rejected her and gone to live with his gran who provided a consequence-free environment from where the boy was starting to get into bigger and bigger trouble. Nothing the mum could do. Her frankly hideous mother was delighted that she'd managed to come between them and spent the time crowing to the poor mum about how her DGS loved her best. Fucking horrible.

Don't let that be you. If you do one thing here, make sure your DD is no contact with your sister.

The reason she doesn't want my ds' s is that ds 8 has a diagnosis of ASD & ADHD. Ds5 is being assessed for ASD so they are, to put it politely, lively & noisy & thsts on a good day!

My instinct was to ring her & to tell her to fuck, the fuck off but I reckon thats exactly what she wants. She's been trying to get me to engage especially over the last few months but I just ignore her. She told me she was coming to my MIL funeral but didn't turn up. She's text my older dd & ds as well.

Our mothers an alcoholic. I visit her a maximum of twice a year. I speak to her about once a fortnight. She is totally intolerant of children especially my boys.

They are a horrible pair of individuals. I defended them time after time. I couldn't see what others see but after this year I can't ignore their behaviour anymore.

Hmm... I think your DD needs a swanky new sim phone for christmas. Sadly your sister's number gets wiped in the transfer of contacts.

You need to tell your dd the (age appropriate) truth about your dsis, and you will have to overrule the plans as all plans come through and will be only allowed through you.

Know this: your mum and your sis are too toxic for you. They therefore are way too toxic for a 12yo.

Don't allow them access to your family, in any way shape or form.

When the cousins are old enough, they can have an independent relationship with your dd if that's a positive thing for her.

Take charge, before she undermines you so badly as to steal your dd.

There is a mumsnetter on here that has had her family in effect stolen by her toxic sister, it's shit like this that does it.

Tell your sister to FTFO and never ever to darken any door you happen to have been in, and that goes for dm too.

I struggle with stopping dd from having any contact as its so controlling...it makes me as bad as them.

I spoke to dd this afternoon. I told her a very basic account of why we don't see my sister. She seemed to understand.

I also told her about a few treats I have planned for the Christmas holidays. The baby's due the end of January so I really want the dc to enjoy the holidays as it will be a big change when the baby arrives.

Its not controlling Shelly, its protective, you do not want these toxic, self entitled, horrid people around your children, they have turned you in to the black sheep, your DD will either be an extension of that or used as a tool against you.

You need to call a family meeting.

Your kids and partner if applicable and state the stance going forward, the truth, the risks and the facts.

Make sure that everyone is well aware that it's dsis/dm that's the problem, and that it's no reflection on any of them.

Explain that some families aren't nice, but that you all are a unit, and these people won't weaken you.

No it does not make you as bad as them, someone has to protect your DD from such toxic influences. That person needs to be you. A good rule of thumb here is that if the relative in question is too difficult/toxic for you to deal with, then this relative is also far too toxic for your both vulnerable and defenceless child to have any form of contact with.

Also your as yet unborn child will need protecting from such people as well. Neither your mother or sister bring anything positive into your life; the mistake people make here is to keep going back in the forlorn hopes that such people actually change. They do not. It is not your fault that you come from a dysfunctional family unit.

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as it could help you.