I've NC with my sister but she's texting my 12 yr old dd...wwyd?

[Shellywelly1973]

Over 6 months ago I decided to go NC with my sister. She used to live very close but moved about an hour away few months ago.

My older dc have some contact with my sister. They are grown up & although they are aware I have decided not to talk to my sister, they don't know any details.

My 12 year old dd did go to my sister house 2/3 times between May & Sept. My dd & dn are of a similar age & have friends in common.

My dd told me this morning she has been texting my sister & they have arranged for my dd to stay at my sister's during the Christmas holidays.

My sister is openly very critical of me, my dp, my home, my pregnancy, my dc, my dc behaviour & my ds with SNs.

My sister would say to my dd who's 12- thats shes ' too big' & that I need to 'sort' dd's teeth out as examples of the crap she comes out with.

Do I have the right to deny my dd a relationship with my sister?
My sister hasn't invited my son's at Christmas only dd.

Wwyd?

Give me some perspective... im pregnant & too involved to see this situation subjectively.

Thanks!.

Turn your phone off or give it to your dp. If your dd hasn't got a new sim yet turn off her phone as well.

You Do Not have to answer the phone or read the messages.

I have been there and it is hard. But it is not you, it is them. Could you imagine doing this to anyone, regardless of what they had done?

With time apart from them you will grow in confidence and learn to trust your instincts, feelings and thoughts. 4 years down the line, I do. I have the occasional wobble but so does everyone.

Protecting your kids is not the same as being controlling. Imagine it is a physical threat like fire instead of mental/emotional threat -would you step into protect them then?

It will get easier, i promise. You just have to survive through this bit.

So, she reckons that sending you abusive texts is going to make you change your mind about letting your dd go to stay with her at Christmas?

Completely NC is the way to go with your sister and mother.

The problem with having just a bit of contact (even if it's just to say "fuck off") is that it creates an opportunity for the buggers to contact you and start being vile again.

I went NC with my mother after years of her dramatics and stirring. Life is so much more peaceful now!

And don't feel guilty about it. They have driven you to do this by behaving so appallingly. You have your DP, lovely children and friends.

You're not on your own OP. You have a supportive DH and us here on MN. Well done for standing up to them. A 'normal' family would not have reacted like your mother and sister have done. Actually a 'normal' family would not have tried to arrange a holiday to them without your knowledge!

Stay strong Shelly and ignore them as they try to make you feel guilty - you have done the right thing to protect your DD.

Do not delete the texts - use them as evidence in order to take out an injunction as described upthread by DisgracetotheYchromosome.

Your sister and mother sound hideous.

Wow & thank you all for the lovely supportive replies.

Dp is very quiet... honestly he drives me bit nuts. I havepposted on here before but last night, he became all assertive & took my phone! Lol.

Then my oldest dd, who can be rather similar to my mum & sister popped in. Shes possibly the most blunt person ever& she really put things in perspective for me.

I invited my mum to come for Christmas just last week but she said she didn't know whst she was doing. When I asked her yesterday if she'd made plans, she told me she was going to my sisters all over Christmas... yet again.

My dd was so blunt. She said, mum u look like a weeble now. How u gonna deal with Nanny & Christmas dinner in another 4 weeks! As well as the little ones & the driving (hour) to get nanny here. Let Auntie have the pleasure of her drunken & annoying behaviour. Stinking her house out with her fags!! As my dd reminded me my sister would literally be begging us to come up Christmas evening or Boxing Day as my mum would be driving her nuts!

Everything my dd said is true. My mum always does what my sister wants.

My sister won't be able to conract me or my dd12 in a few days as we're both getting new sim cards.

I have much less contact with my mum then I used to, I think its time to go NC. I get nothing from having the very limited contact we have at the moment. When she's drunk she's all lovey dovey & talks shit. When shes sober shes critical & uninterested. She acts like im talking nonsense yet it's her as she forgets her lies.

Thanks everyone. You've really helped. x

I'm pleased you're feeling better about Christmas. Those Sims can't come fast enough! Be prepared though, when you mum/sis realise that your pulling away they will turn on the charm to try to reel you back in. Just ignore any theatrics on their part.

A nice, peaceful Christmas awaits.

Thanks. I don't speak to my sister at all. My mum doesn't do charm she isolates...

She did it to my younger sister. Luckily we have each other!

Your DD is fabulous!

She informed me that the plans have already been made. Im to drop my dd at my mother's house on Boxing Day & my sister will be picking them up. She will drop them back to my mothers on the Sunday... She told me not to be awkward that our mum has every right to see her gc...

This is similar to what I experienced with my sister. She would announce an action in my presence, not really talking "to" me, more like talking "at" me. And then expect me to pop up and perform her bidding as though I were some sort of brainless android completely under her power (or spell? ). The effect was to make me invisible. Invisible in my own life. This goes beyond simply sucking out self esteem; it pushes you down with both hands into depression: keeping one pressed down = depressed.

I am NC with her. Last saw her Christmas '07, spoke about a year ago, returned a gift last Jan (upon which she announced to my other sister that she would never speak to me again: result!). Mumsnet (thank God for MN!), and two counsellors helped me revalidate myself, dig out of the perpetual dysthemic state I had adopted as a coping skill, and now I feel almost back to "me". But the damage was done, the years were lost, and I am left feeling that I have been robbed of fulfilling my potential, iyswim.

Sorry to go on about me, but I wanted to share in hopes of helping you reinforce your resolve, Shelly. You are doing the right thing, zero doubt.