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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've NC with my sister but she's texting my 12 yr old dd...wwyd?

60 replies

Shellywelly1973 · 28/11/2013 10:44

Over 6 months ago I decided to go NC with my sister. She used to live very close but moved about an hour away few months ago.

My older dc have some contact with my sister. They are grown up & although they are aware I have decided not to talk to my sister, they don't know any details.

My 12 year old dd did go to my sister house 2/3 times between May & Sept. My dd & dn are of a similar age & have friends in common.

My dd told me this morning she has been texting my sister & they have arranged for my dd to stay at my sister's during the Christmas holidays.

My sister is openly very critical of me, my dp, my home, my pregnancy, my dc, my dc behaviour & my ds with SNs.

My sister would say to my dd who's 12- thats shes ' too big' & that I need to 'sort' dd's teeth out as examples of the crap she comes out with.

Do I have the right to deny my dd a relationship with my sister?
My sister hasn't invited my son's at Christmas only dd.

Wwyd?

Give me some perspective... im pregnant & too involved to see this situation subjectively.

Thanks!.

OP posts:
LunaticFringe · 28/11/2013 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy · 28/11/2013 19:11

Dear god love, it's doing what's right, not controlling at all! You are protecting them!

Please stop covering up for the badness of your sis/mum.

Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 28/11/2013 19:13

I know your right...

I don't have contact with my dns they are 15 & 11. I don't feel its appropriate. When my dns found out I was pregnant, the 11 year old said, 'However will you cope?'. It's exactly the sort of thing my sister would say.

I hadn't thought of the future to much but the point of my sister getting between dd & I is very valid.

OP posts:
Hissy · 28/11/2013 19:15

I didn't mean 'stop covering' as that implies you are enabling them. I meant don't *llow them any 'in' to your dc. They aren't able to deal with them, they can't fight toxic.

Tell your sister that her plans aren't convenient and therefore won't be happening.

Then change YOUR numbers, and that of your 12yo, and anyone else ideally that she has contact with.

Explain to those too old to do this that contact stops now, for good reason, and to show all texts received fromher to you, without fear, but not to reply, under any circumstances. Let you deal with it.

lunar1 · 28/11/2013 19:22

There is no way anyone like that would get near my children, she sounds absolutely toxic.

Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 28/11/2013 19:32

I got what you meant Hissy.

The older dc are in their 20's so I really don't feel I can 'tell' them who to have contact with. The oldest dc was furious with my sister & he doesn't have much to do with her. The other dc does but shes a grown up. Her own home etc so entitled to chose who she speaks to.

My dp fully supports my decision. He can't understand why it took me so long to see my sister for the person she really is.

He's blocked my sister's number from dd & ordered new sim cards.

Im not even replying to her.

My mother has phoned but I didn't pick up...it too predictable!

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 28/11/2013 20:09

Thank goodness. It is not controlling to protect her from your sister. Not at all. Keep her away from her, she sounds vile.

FluffyJumper · 28/11/2013 20:21

As a parent you are supposed to 'control' certain aspects of your DCs life, because you are the adult and you know best.

Mellowandfruitful · 28/11/2013 22:01

I can see your sister must have been pretty toxic over the years for her to even think she can order you about like this with regard to your DD. Definitely right to put a stop to the visit.

Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 28/11/2013 22:58

FlufgyJumper that's why i posted on here. My confidence & judgement are all over the place!

OP posts:
cjel · 28/11/2013 23:00

Well done OP , I'm so pleased that your dp has supported you. I hope your dd understands, perhaps your older dc could help to explain if she is upset?xx

Divinity · 28/11/2013 23:05

I would text her a curt "no that is not happening" with no other explanation otherwise she will believe that your dd is coming. Nip it in the bud now.

Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 28/11/2013 23:07

Too be honest dd isnt that upset. She said she didn't feel comfortable making plans thst I didn't know about.

My older dc don't really know all the details. They aren't questioning my decision as they know I have never fallen out with anyone- let alone actually stop talking to someone.

I didn't make a decision to stop contact with my sister. It just got to the point that I couldn't tolerate her anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 28/11/2013 23:14

Your right Divinity.

I will text her tomorrow morning with a direct & clear NO!

I will also call my mum & invite her to lunch or dinner around Christmas so she can't say she wasn't given the opportunity to see the grandchildren. I don't actually care if my comes or not but im not going to listen to her whinging about it til next Easter!

OP posts:
Mellowandfruitful · 29/11/2013 01:07

That sounds like a good plan, both with your sister and your mum. Glad your DD sees it sensibly.

FluffyJumper · 29/11/2013 01:45

You don't even need to make excuses about 'being busy', because that just gives them something to argue against.

Rockinhippy · 29/11/2013 01:59

I would come down like a ton of bricks & put a stop PDQ & explain the whys & where fors to your DD - just as talkativejim has already described -

you are not controlling your DD - your are protecting her from your toxic DSIS influence

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 29/11/2013 14:57

Hi OP.

Given your sister's lies and interference, you could exercise your rights under the Protection from Harassment Act to take out an injunction against her. This would ideally forbid her from contact with you, DH and your minor children. You would have to convince the court you are NC, or would be from the service of the Letter Before Action.

You can DIY through the County Court for £150 application fee.

It goes: Letter Before Action with a request to etop the behaviour complained of and an undertaking to desist. Then if the undertaking is refused, apply for the injunction. Gather your evidence.
At the hearing, which will be in front of District Judge and in civvies IYSWIM, you present your case and then sister has a chance to answer. Hopefully she will make a complete arse of herself.

I did one as a layman; got the chap to admit impersonation of Plod and a solicitor in front of a live microphone. Heh heh heh.

Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 29/11/2013 17:36

I've just typed out a long post but its disappeared!

Sister got really nasty. Sent me loads of horrible texts. She's got my mum on side & I had her on the phone as well.

Its what I expected really but I feel very on my own... family? ! ?

OP posts:
FluffyJumper · 29/11/2013 18:44

Stay strong OP.

This is exactly why you don't want these people in touch with your DD. In a sense they have played into your hands by validating your gut feeling that they are a poisonous influence.

cjel · 29/11/2013 19:30

Shelly, that sounds awful, How are you?

In a way it makes the choice to avoid them easier though doesn't it?

Bogeyface · 29/11/2013 19:31

Well now you know you did the right thing, because her reaction has proved how vile she is.

Stay strong. Do not reply to any other texts and if you want to speak to your mother (you dont have to if you dont want to!) then say that you have no wish to discuss the matter, you have already made your decision.

Keep the faith. You ARE doing the right thing, and you know you are :)

Hissy · 29/11/2013 19:42

Sweety, I only have me and my 7yo ds in the world, i'm NC with the rest of them for, frankly, less than you're going through.

Get new numbers asap and stop them from being able to contact you.

Report the abusive texts to your network and get her barred if poss.

I'm so sorry, this really is so painful, I know!

Have you read toxic parents?

Mellowandfruitful · 29/11/2013 19:49

Sorry it went that way, OP, but it does confirm that you are right as Bogeyface says. Stick to NC and don't reply to anything.

Meerka · 29/11/2013 19:57

this sounds horrible shelley

you are so right to prevent it.

What do you think of disgracetotheYchromasome's suggestion above? it sounds pretty good to me. And keep all texts as evidence.

I do think as well you need to explain to your 12 year old just what is going on and why. At that age she's intelligent enough to understand clear nastiness, though young enough to not be able to pick up on subtle manipulation and lies.