How to deal with the fallout after affair

[FoxyTerrier]

Am new here, but have been lurking for advice/support for a while. I need some advice/thoughts please.

DP of 21 years has had an affair. I am just stunned and wounded beyond belief. OW's husband called me from the other side of the globe to tell me 8 weeks ago now...am finding it so hard to process.

A bit of background: have 2 dc, been very happily together for ages...best friends and soulmates really. We had a business together, which has been hard recently, so DP went back to his old line of work 2 yrs ago. Cant go into loads of detail, but works from home, tho it's a worldwide company. Employees come together twice a year, a week at a time. He met OW who also has young kids, is married and she lives abroad. They bonded over a shared interest, and on return from the meet-up kept in contact by instant messaging. This progressed onto more flirty, sexual stuff and at the next big company meet up they slept together. They then continued to email/message daily, said they were in love with each other, etc...but couldn't see a way to be together...all a bit 'star crossed lovers' I guess. I felt something was wrong; was distant, uncharacteristically grumpy and arsey with me; but I just couldn't think why/who. Assumed it was work/my business pressures. He says he was guilt ridden.

Anyway, since finding out, DP has cut all contact and is nothing but remorseful. He is doing all the 'right things'...being in contact with me throughout the day, open with phone/computer passwords, loving, kind...back to his old self. He cannot explain why he let this happen; in fact, why he positively encouraged it and that once the bubble had been burst (ie. after OW husband phonecall to me)..it all just fell away and was rootless. He said he could 'see it for what it was'...and has no interest in it at all...I think it was thrill seeking initially, but I guess progressed into more. He almost wants to just move on, but I just cannot. We are reading 'More than Friends' at the moment and that is helping..he will talk and listen to me for hours about it. But I just get so angry at times...and I don't know where that comes from - I guess a flashback will set me off/image of them together..the thought of them having 'internet sex' in our house...the list is endless. I feel so raw and sad at times, and then completely warm and in love at others.. It's confusing and I don't know where to go next with it.

I am making it worse my looking online at a music site, that OW is on..I know that she is playing 'significant' songs (to them)...and lots of other stuff, that has very loaded lyrics...(it was music that bonded them, so I know this could be used by her as a weapon)..DP hasn't seen this site, but I have and it's driving me insane...I know I shouldn't torture myself with it..it sounds pathetic. But makes me think she's not over it.

Last night, I was prodding for more detail..it transpired they had sent each other naked photos of each other and it has made me feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I am in a bad place today and don't know how to dig myself out of the hole. We've made such a promising start, and now I think I might just blow it out, cos I can bare the thought of these pictures.

Any thoughts/help/advice would be so gratefully received. Have confided in one fabulous friend, but find it so hard to keep it together with work/kids/family etc.

Sorry this is so long....am amazed if you've got this far!

It doesn't matter one little bit if she is not over it! The important factor here is that he is and is clearly making a concerted effort to make this better. It will take time to get over this I am sure, but you both sound like you are doing the right things and are committed to sorting this issue out. The pain of this will be raw for a long time to be honest, but you must find a way to console yourself with the fact that, ok he did a terrible, hurtful, deceitful thing, but he has realised his mistake and is clearly trying to win you back. That is in essence what needs to happen, he must win back not only your love and affection, but also your trust. It will take time, but be strong and know that it will get better. Take it one day at a time to start with and don't be afraid to take a time out to yourself if the anger starts to rise. This is a perfectly normal way to react and he will understand this, so don't worry. We are here for you when you need to vent.

I think that I would want full and absolute disclosure of everything that happened because

1. The thought of new information coming out (such as these naked photos) would put me straight back to square 1.
2. It would mean I could make a fully informed decision as to whether I wanted to stay in this relationship.

Another thought foxy, there's no reason why you can't make a different decision now, 8 weeks on. For example, to insist that more people are told or that he needs to leave the house for a week to give you time to think (without having to play happy families or have hysterical bonding sex or to hurry to forgive and forget...).

he has realised his mistake and is clearly trying to win you back. my personal reaction is that he's not trying hard enough if pertinent facts are still coming to light 8 weeks on.

oh I am so sorry.
Its a situation too many of us MNers have been in (the unfaithfulness I mean)

He sounds like he is making all the right moves & sounds but I would be completely thrown also with the 'extra' information (being the naked photos).

The anger you will have to either live with, work on and control. Either via counsellor or self help, otherwise it can consume you. You sound very strong so well done.
I would stop with the music website, your driving yourself insane by it. Its like a trigger.

Good luck OP, I have no more advice as the anger consumed me (and still does), so I made the decision to separate but circumstances were different & its each to their own.

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and advice.
EXTERMINATE...yes, you're right, so many MNers have been here...I'm so saddened and staggered by the number of affairs disclosed, on it seems a daily basis.

Yes, the photo thing has really got to me...it just makes my stomach flip. He'd minimised the 'cyber sex' element and I asked him if they'd ever sent pictures - I didn't think for a minute he'd say they had. He was open about it, but only because I prodded. God, I don't know what to think...am feeling like I'm stuck in the bottom of a black hole right now, and I want to get out. I don't think there is any more to come out.

I have given him hell over this today, but it's not making me feel any better . The thing that keeps making me so sad, is the level and length of deception..it must've taken a lot of effort to keep it going for so long..but he maintains he still loved me. I just cannot believe this, or get my head round it.

Foxy, I'm so sorry you're going through this but glad you started your own thread. I have been getting invaluable support on mine.

I agree with Vivacia, in order to move on, you need full disclosure, it will hurt but you cannot keep getting things pop up as time goes on. IMO, he does need to try harder.

Whatnext...thank you. Yes, you're right he does need to try harder...he says he just bundled it all up in 'disgusting behaviour' and can barely bring himself to think about it. He seems genuine, but it's making it hard.

My real worry, is that there is 'staff meet-up' in the USA early next year. She will be there, and DP is expected to go for a full week (100 plus staff there)...but it will be intense/focus group/workshop/social environment...this is where they first met. I am already tying myself up in knots about this...it really is non negotiable that he needs to be there, but short of getting a new job in the next month, I can see no way out...

I still cant believe he has done this to me; I thought he was someone different

Having seen pics of her online...I just don't 'get it'...I mean, cant see what the attraction was. Is that a common feeling..I guess it's self-preservation?

Apologies, am rambling now.

I guess it's a combination of self-preservation and of trying to make sense out of the nonsense.

Don't apologise, you're not rambling. I can't imagine how you are feeling with the build up to the meet up in January.

I looked up my H OW and expected to see some hairy ugly piece of s*. Instead I saw a beautiful, stunning woman, older than me but like a model. I have come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter what the OW looks like in an affair, your DP has betrayed you.

If my H did decide to plead for forgiveness and if I did take him back (neither of which will happen), I would insist that he left his job and got in touch with his contacts for another job. My H also works abroad a lot and also is quite specialised in his field so jobs are hard to come by but I would sacrifice the salary for the sake of my marriage so he didn't need to be in the same work situation and especially away from home with her.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh and impractical but a career can be built up again but a marriage needs both of you to be serious about fixing it.

There is no way your husband should go abroad with the OW. I don't care what the circumstances are or who else will be there - this is very, very dangerous and disrespectful territory. She will speak to him - of course she will, and when he tells you (or you find out), it will rip you up. I'm sorry but he needs to fake a serious illness that will get him out of flying.

He must not go. This is really imperitive and I know you're going to say that we don't understand the situation, he really has to go etc... there are no excuses. He simply cannot go abroad to be with the woman he cheated on you with.

Failing that - how about you go with him, stay in his hotel etc?

Yes, I think you're right Whatnext. He has been making enquiries about new jobs, just fear it wont happen soon enough...and my business is struggling, which is why we need the income. However, I would live in a tent right now if it meant not feeling like this. I cannot believe he would jeopardise everything in this way...her husband also works for the company part time...God knows what would happen if he felt vengeful at some point.

It's very hard to make sense of it all isn't it. I feel as though I've been living in a bad dream for the last couple of months..can barely function.

tummybummer I agree with you...we chatted about it again earlier, and he agrees. He will need to fake illness, or something...that's his problem. We were talking last night about coping strategies to not encounter her...but that's just being unrealistic right? Am sort of hoping that her husband will go, instead of her (he works 1 day, she 4 days)....but think it's unlikely.
DP had been trying very hard to win back trust/love, but I feel there are so many obstacles in the way, and I'm just so tired

hello, I replied briefly on the other thread

your husband should not go on the meet up, and if he does I would consider it The End

however, it seems you are working with him to help him through this ?

can you clarify what you mean by that ?

how is he helping you through his deceit and disrespect ?

I would sacrifice the salary Foxy, my H earns shedloads but I would tell him to leave without a doubt. Get some mortgage protection too. There is no way I would allow it and I'm sorry to say that even if he went and came home & told you the truth, could you believe it?

I don't want to make you feel worse lovely but imagine how you will feel as he's packing his bag to go away.

MistAll...that was bad phrasing...what I mean was, we've been trying really hard together, and he has been trying hard separately. However, I am in no way dewy eyed about his efforts...I do love him deeply however, and always felt he loved me. That's the biggest head f*ck I think...I just couldn't behave in that way towards someone I love (though am not perfect, or so naïve to think that shit doesn't happen)

He said that because of the distance, there was an element of 'safety' in ...as it was mostly 'virtual' (apart from the 1 encounter in the summer) and he didn't think it would lead to anything. It just seems so out of character of him...I'm starting to question if I ever knew him.

I need counselling right?

no, you don't

he does, he is the one that did wrong

has he suggested it ? To find out why he gave himself permission for his sordid little adventure. Why he would throw away all you had ?

the ball is in his court and if he isn't stepping up, then maybe you should call time

WhatNext...yes, have imagined driving him to the airport and how I would feel. Brings back all sorts of feelings..like dropping him in the summer, when he knew he was going to shag her. When did you find out about your husband's affair, and what was the outcome, if you don't mind me asking?

MistAll...he is happy to go to counselling. We haven't yet, as the healing process seemed to 'mainly' well. It was last night that it all blew up again...or namely, I blew up. Understandably. I have the number of a recommended counsellor...is it wise to see the same person (though would want to do this individually)? thanks for any advice on that.

His behaviour changed overnight Foxy. Turned from a loving man into a cruel stranger. I thought he was having a breakdown or felt it was work pressures (I could write your post).

Passwords on his phone etc, I eventually found a diary he bought for him and OW with their '5 year plan'. I had asked him many times if anyone else was involved, he denied and said it was all in my head.

Told my H to go as soon as I found out, he's living in one room now and I have sought legal advice - mediation in January. He still denies it's an affair, blames her for seeking him out (he didn't need to act on it) and doesn't want a divorce. He calls it a new relationship, Must have forgotten the 'forsaking all others' part of our vows.

I'm afraid your DP cannot go on the trip, let him face the consequences at work but he can't go if he's serious about your marriage.

Whatnext...am sorry to hear what happened to you...hope you're okay? Sounds like you have been extremely strong. Thanks so much for taking the time to listen to my posts....it feels good to get it off my chest. Have been bottling it. I'm seeing much more clearly now about his work trip...it really is a deal breaker. Thing is, there will be another in July, but I can go with him on that (if still together)

you can talk on here as much as you like

even if you don't take on board all the responses, we all have your interests at heart

Have made no firm decision as to what I'll do yet MistAll...but really do appreciate all the responses; even when they hurt. Couldn't hurt any more than I do now and feel am running out of energy.

That is true. Your H has hurt you very badly. x

I'll be okay Foxy, thanks.

Mist is right, the advice you get on here will help a lot. Keep posting.

Your H needs to know that whatever scenario you are currently running with could change at any time

And that you are in the driving seat, not him

his behaviour brought you both to this point, and you should be the one that dictates which way it goes from here on in